Gman

Normally I just lurk around here, but this particular event caused me to want to seek some outside insight.

Here's the setup. I am your average 18 year-old guy. My best friend is a 18 year-old girl who doesn't smoke, drink, or swear. Much like me... except swearing I'll admit I have feelings for her, but I'm not acting on them right now. I've acted on my feelings for her before and it only turned into a whole lot of awkwardness for a good 3 months. College is coming up and pretty much all of the friends we have are leaving the city, leaving just the two of us alone. She had a mild seizure earlier in the year so she can't drive, leaving me the driver once school starts. We also scheduled our classes together to make it easy for me to bring us both to school everyday. You can picture how awful 3 months of awkwardness being that close to each other every day would be if I told her how I felt. So it's better for me to remain the loyal friend until we're not forced together anymore.

Now that you kind of understand who we are, here's the situation. I was talking to her online and she was telling me about a guy she was talking to. Here's the conversation since it's probably better if you read it yourself:
HER: neway, this other guy IMed me about a week ago, he's great!
HER: just...
HER: he's 23
ME: wow
ME: that's kinda not cool
HER: he just got outa the air force, which is impressive in itself, and he doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't like to curse, he's gonna go to school in the spring to be a math teacher!
HER: and he's cute
HER: Josh (old boyfriend, dated when he was 20 and she 17) just turned 21!
HER: look at Friend of Our's dad, eww that's just gross, at least it's not that bad
ME: still, he's 23
HER: so what?
HER: do u understand how hard it is to find a guy like taht???
HER: well I hope not!
HER: but it's hard!
ME: Ahem, like I've been saying to all of you for a while. That's me :-)
HER: but u're ME
ME: but really, you and Josh were acceptable... 17 and 20 is borderline okay. But 18 and 23?
ME: don't remind me
HER: it's only 6 years!
HER: Erica's dad just turned 41 and his fiancee's 25!!!! so don't talk to me about age!
ME: Hey, hey calm down.... I'm trying to talk to you as a friend here
HER: yeah I know
HER:
HER: well I'm goin to bed. I'll ttyl.
HER: g'nite
HER: lata
ME: Nite!

So where does everyone stand on this? Am I right in thinking that a gap in age that big for someone just starting college and having one boyfriend is wrong, or do you think maybe my feelings are clouding my head a bit and it's perfectly okay?

Mael

that age difference isn't really a big deal. the five years won't mean anything later. it's the same as a 30 year old with a 25 year old. the thing is, she's just starting college, and he's just done with the air force. where he is in his life experiance-wise is leaps and bounds above her. since they'll both be in school, it's not that bad, but still, they really are both in different parts of life and that could cause problems. but 5 years isn't that big of a deal.

BBtB

Sorry man I have to go with Mael on this one. I mean an 18 year old with a 13 year old. No. But once you get to 18 or 19 going even to mid 20s is fine. Once you get passed 25 even as much as 10 years isn't much. I think the real issue here might be along the lines of you likeing her still and not wanting to see her with anyone.

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Meridae'n once played "death" at a game of chess that lasted for over two years. He finally beat death in a best 34 out of 67 match. At that time he could ask for any one thing and he could wish for the hope of all mankind... he looked death right in the eye and said ...

"I would like about three fiddy"

Gman

Thanks for the insight so far, and please, keep it coming! I'd really like to hear more opinions on this, because I spoke with my friend about it and he said that it's cradle robbing. I had thought that my feelings for her were no longer affecting the way I thought, but if the general voice states that it still is, it'd be nice to know.

BBtB

Well of course we can't tell you how you feel. All I said was just based on what you said and your feelings for her.

__________________
Meridae'n once played "death" at a game of chess that lasted for over two years. He finally beat death in a best 34 out of 67 match. At that time he could ask for any one thing and he could wish for the hope of all mankind... he looked death right in the eye and said ...

"I would like about three fiddy"

Slims

You can't blame her. After all, since he is a little older, he probably has learned a few more lessons in life, and better knows how to make a girl happy.

The guy seems like a nice respectable guy who has admirable career goals. I think it is easy to understand why she might be interested in him. The only argument you could make, in my opinion, is that he is too far along in his life for her to satisfy his needs. But then you are telling her that she isn't good enough for someone.

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cowudders14

By your own words, you still have feelings for her, so of course they will be affecting the way you think. However, it's not neccesarily in a bad way. Try to distance yourself in your mind and ask yourself: Do you think this is bad because you see him as a threat to your hopes of getting with her eventually? Do you you see this guy as a threat from the point of view of him maybe hurting her (emotionally or otherwise) and are worried about her/want to protect her? Or are you simply genuinly concerned about her happiness and just want what's best for you - note - if this was the case you'd have to be happy with her going with him - see if you can admit to yourself that you would be.

HTH

Sparhawk

I agree, trying to phrase that argument would be friendship homocide. Or, as I like to call it, friendshipicide.

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eyeseepeedude

I say that if they like each other, then nothing you say otherwise will make a difference to them. Five years isn't really that much of an age gap shouldn't make any problems in the future. Age is only what you make of it. I've known 60 year olds who still think and act like 20 year olds.

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geep

My wife is 6 years older than I am. We have been married for 18 years. Age is not a factor here. The real story is your feelings for her. These feelings need to be dealt with because it seems that your relationship with her is going to change. How that change will unfold will depend on several different factors, some of which you have control over. Re-think your position on telling her how you feel about her. If you do have feelings for her, you may not have the chance to let her know later.

Met22

It's all in the mind
I'm 44 my wife is 29, never been happier

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cdwonderful

take note, age is chronological not spiritual.

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sierra2774

That sounds like a great age difference to me...

Age differences don't really scare me at all, in fact I never thought too much about it until recently...Even now it doesn't bother me at all...It actually makes me feel good that I can be compatible with someone who is 14 years older than me...Compatible in so many ways..

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absorbentishe

Every time you talk with her, you must be showing some kind of sign, and she knows what you think about her. If you were to show her some indifference about that kind of feeling, and start talking about other girls you see or talk to, she will take more note of that than worshipping her feet. Works every time.

snowace56

I draw the line at 6 yrs at the most. The 13 to 18 age difference is wrong though. I wouldn't worry about it, shes attracted to this guy because he mature and has his future planned out.

Leviathan[NCV]

A math major might do her some good.


On a real note, the chances of it lasting long arent great, so sit on the sidelines and wait for it to shatter, then pick up the pieces.

As hard as it is...


Leviathan

Lebell

No, 5 years isn't that bad at that age.

As you grow older, you realize this.

I was 21 and my future ex was 30. (No, age wasn't the reason we split.)

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sleephla

Definitely agree with that. And what everyone else said... I'm trying to hook with up a chick who's 25... and I feel very young and I'm 21. :-(

punx1325

It's all what makes you happy, anything more than 10 yrs would proably be a bit wierd. However, if its not legal, its not right.

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If something seems too good to be true, then it probably is....

platypus

It's never the age difference that matters, although that is the thing that gets many people whispering. The difference in emotional development and social maturity is what will help or hinder a relationship. Anyone who is just starting college has alot of growing to do yet. Not saying it won't work, but it's got a couple strikes against it.

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Sparhawk

I think all 50 states would tend to disagree.

Age of consent, anyone?

__________________
"In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard. It's - and it's hard work. I understand how hard it is. I get the casualty reports every day. I see on the TV screens how hard it is. But it's necessary work. We're making progress. It is hard work."

gibber71

Age doesn't mean squat as long as people are adults.This past weekend I had some drinks with a girl who had just turned 24. I'm 37. One of my sister's says to me "isn't she a bit young?" and "what did you talk about,Britney Spears?" As a matter of fact we did talk about Britney Spears.We also talked about G-forces and other stuff I don't understand.Why did we talk about those things? Well I'm a musician and she's an aerospace engineer.

Vaultboy

I find all this age doesnt matter talk very cute in a cuddly sort of way. Fact is age does matter. It moght not matter enough to break up a relationship, but that depends on how much you are willing to take.

You are never in a relationship purely with one person. You take on his/her baggage, family and especially friends. If you are 40 years old and start a relationship with a 24 year old woman, you should be aware that when you're 50, she'll still be clubbing till 03h00 in the morning and leading a social life and have interests completely different to yours. Can you deal with that? Only you would know.

Same thing goes when going out with an older woman. Plus theres biological clocks and menopause and crap to deal with.

I would say that in your twenties, age wouldn't matter so much, because 20 somethings are still the most adaptable age group there is. But even if both of you are in your twenties but onthe opposite ends now, when you get older your interests may grow apart. Then its a matter of whether your love can take it.

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Mr.Deflok

What would you say if a 19 year old was sleeping with a 16 year old?

Sparhawk

If the age of consent in your jurisdiction is 16, I'd say have fun and be merry.

__________________
"In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard. It's - and it's hard work. I understand how hard it is. I get the casualty reports every day. I see on the TV screens how hard it is. But it's necessary work. We're making progress. It is hard work."

zipper

My wife was young 17 when I met her, I was 22. It was cool w/almost everyone. Her dad and a few of my superiors weren't cool w/it. Twelve years later.......we are still married and very happy.

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boredjerk

I'm 31. My last girlfriend (besides the chick I live with) was 19. She thought I was some kinda god. And she looked like a porn star with dreadlocks. It was beautiful even though the sex kinda sucked (my fault). 3-4 years is nothing. 11 years caused a lot of "when I was your age" conversations. It sucked because she never had an opinion. That doesn't really answer shit does it?

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dunkelhelmut

Something at this age is very likely not permanent. I had a short relationship with an 18 year old when I was 23 (5 yrs difference)

However, it sounds like your friend is being very materialistic. She's going after this 23 year old simply because he's 23. Hopefully she'll get more mature soon...

rat

Show me a former military man that doesn't curse, and I'll show you one who missed the bus to boot camp. Show me a military man that'll pass up someone buyin him a beer, and well, I'd be almost as surprised. I'm not saying this guy is full of shit, but it's really easy to put out a facade for nice young (and I take it attractive) ladies.

Add to that the experience of being in a regimented lifestyle and then meeting someone that has no clue what it's like. I've lived a cadet lifestyle, and if it weren't for a major injury to my left elbow, I'd be in the Army right now. Even a cadet lifestyle separates you from other people both in the manner you live and the manner you think. Priorities are very different, and routine is something that is the foundation of that lifestyle. Routine and methodical actions/thinking come with the territory, and it's generally a step-by-step process. Yea, he may be going to college, but for him, it's an adult saying "i need to find a career, and this is the next step to get there" not a kid saying "i need to get an education."

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bing bing

your concern is derived from jealousy.

rocinante2003

TxStar is older than me by many years. It has never worried or bothered me, and to be absolutely truthful, I have never ever fealt so secure, loved and respected in my entire life. Age means nothing, not a thing if you are mature and WANTING to be in a meaningful relationship. Age is, and can be an issue if you are not in the relationship for the right reasons, or your just still finding your feet. As for the "Baggage" mentioned earlier. TxStars daughter absolutely adores me, and I do her. Even if me and TxStar were the same age, we would still share the same baggage. The biological clock isnt anything to be affraid of either.

I can honestly say, with my hand on my heart, that the last 6 years of my life have meant the most to me, and if, i were to leave this big blue blob tommorow, I would truelly be thankful for every SECOND that I have been with her, and her "baggage".

We only live once (as far as I know lol) and I am not going to let anyone tell me age does matter, because once your past your early 20's and want to settle down and have a meaningfull long term relationship, the only three things that do matter are LOVE and RESPECT. and TRUST.

OK enough of the soft side of me, Im heading back to talk computers and look at bewbies lol

BilldaCat

5 years is fine, especially if the girl is younger, they mature faster. no big deal here, move along.