An Unfortunate Situation - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

mafugga · 06-22-2003, 05:07 PM

This has been bugging me for the last 6 or so weeks and I figured I might as well share it with you, since no one else I know has given me any decent advice on it.

Ok, here's the situation. I have this friend, I consider her to be my best friend and so does she. I have known her for quite some time now and at one point we also were invloved. It didn't work out because she ended up moving to NY and I am on the west coast. We remained very very close though, like I said, Best Friends. We would talk on the phone every night, but it wasn't sexual, just as friends. Anyway, a few months ago, she started seeing this guy and now they are offically dating. The only problem is, he is so insanely jealous about the relationship she and I have that we barely talk anymore. He won't let her call me if they are together and she even has to email me on the sly.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her, and I am glad she found someone, however I am not thrilled about the fact that he doesn't want her talking to me. Apparently he is extremely insecure and feels I am a threat. I am not a threat though, she is just my best friend. She said she would talk to him about this, but so far hasn't gotten up the nerve to.

I feel like maybe I should just accept the fact that while she is with this guy that I am the forbidden fruit and just stop talking to her. On the other hand, she is such a close friend that I don't want to let it go because of some moron's insecurities. This is such a tough situation because I want her to be happy with this guy and not mess anything up by me being involved, but I feel like I am having my best friend taken away.

The last 6 weeks I have tried not to contact her as much and I guess I feel like I should maybe keep it that way indefinitely. Just wondering if anyone else has been in such a situation. I would really be curious to know how you handled it and the end result.

Thanks

johnyto · 06-22-2003, 05:15 PM

hmm...a guy like him being jealous == problematic guy. If he does that with her now, believe me he will be with the co-worker of hers no matter what. In simpler words, that guy doesn't deserve her. He is no one to end a long time relationship even though is not more than a good relationship. I hope she dumps him. I wouldn't be jealous if my (wherever that g/f i will have, someday) talked to her best friends. Just my two cents. Good luck.

rogue49 · 06-22-2003, 05:32 PM

just keep in touch with her when you can.
his jealousy is his issue,
he should be able to work through it.

My best friends hubby had to do the same with me,
he is now also a good friend and trusts me completely with her.
I've known her for 13 years, him for 10.

just keep it on the level, be straight.

rockzilla · 06-22-2003, 05:35 PM

I had a female friend whose boyfriend was insanely jealous of any guy talking to her, myself included. She eventually decided that she'd rather keep him happy and have nothing to do with me than confront him about his unfounded jealousy. It sucked, but it was her choice to make, not mine.

There isn't really anything you can do, your friend is the one who has to decide if you're worth talking to him about his jealousy. I find wanting to have that kind of control over someone is one of the most repulsive traits a person can have, and I hope either she sees that, or he fixes it. Either way, if you get back in touch with her, welcome her back with open arms and forget the whole thing ever happened, but you'd probably do that anyway.

Slims · 06-22-2003, 10:23 PM

I think it is perfectly fair to expect reasonable behavior on your part. I.E. no slumber parties with your friend, full body massages, etc.

However, she has no right to ask you to abandon a loyal friend just to appease her jealousy.

Old loyalties before new ones.

absorbentishe · 06-23-2003, 10:29 AM

Just keep it cool.... E-mail now and then, call when you know he's not around. His jealously will eventually lead him away from her, once she realizes what an idiot he is.

mtsgsd · 06-23-2003, 11:08 AM

I was in this situation once. I went to college near home, and she went away. We stayed in contact, even when she started seeing a guy. Long story short, she became ingaged after college, and moved back to my town. She let it be known (without saying it outright) that all I had to do was say the word, and she'd drop him for me. We had only gone out once together, and I felt that she was more comfortable staying friends and didn't pursue it.

Well of course I was mister honerable and wouldn't even consider it. Even though I had heard things from mutual friends that made me question why she was even marrying him. We talked about it a year or so later and only then discovered that we BOTH had huge crushes on each other, and were afraid to act on them. Our one date? What I saw was her nervousness at finally dating me. She just assumed that I wanted to stay friends when I didn't ask her out again. Anyway it seems she had been hoping that I'd help her get up the courage to leave her fiancee etc. etc.

He was a big problem for her with drugs, alcohol etc. for awhile but finally straightened out for her. She has that affect on men. Meanwhile we hardly ever talk or write because I'm worried that he would get the wrong idea.

They're still married, and so am I, but I'll always wonder what would have happened if I had the balls to do what I wanted to do.

Sorry, still long. Bottom line. Look at what she means to you now, and then decide what to do. Fuck her jerk BF. She is what is important. If she's that good a friend, then don't let this guy break you up.

Memalvada · 06-23-2003, 11:17 AM

Its worse to lose a true friend than a bf/gf. Hope she realises this.

chavos · 06-23-2003, 12:10 PM

I'd put her on the spot. Make her realize that best friend or not, you won't be treated like a crappy poor relation, and that you want to openly be a friend to her. It's up to her to make this guy back down...

clavus · 06-23-2003, 02:01 PM

Some friend. She chose him over you. Think about it.

clockworkgreen · 06-23-2003, 03:15 PM

Yeah. I agree. In essence, you were dumped. That's not a good friend.

rat · 06-23-2003, 11:31 PM

Don't. Ever. Give. Up.

I went through this two summers back, and it was fucking hell. My best friend had been dating a guy off and on for 8 months or so, and he'd never been happy with her having male friends. Her being my best friend, we'd hang out tons. Since I was working and she wasn't, I wouldn't let her pay for things when we went out. That's just how I was raised. Well, one of my ex-gf's really liked him, but I thought she had better sense than to go after him. Turned out I was wrong, and she fooled around with my best friend's boy. Two months later, as I'm talking w/ my ex-gf about hanging out, she kinda lets it slip. So me being the best friend that stuck around for months while this guy harrassed my best friend about spending time with me, I tell her what's been going on. She didn't believe me, so I did what you're thinking about...I walked away. For three months, my best friend and I didn't talk because I'd given up rather than fighting for her friendship and trust. I regret it, and you will too.

Don't. Ever. Give. Up.

phredgreen · 06-24-2003, 11:23 AM

here's my take on things... my ex had lots of "guy friends" some of them i was incredibly cool with and some i fucking suspected with all my being for one reason: they made themselves shady. they would call and hang up if i answered the phone, they were incredibly rude to me, they were just really asses (and it turns out i was right regarding more than one of them, but that's besides the point).

the best thing you can do to help your friend's boyfriend get over the whole you thing is to befriend him. hang with him, let him get to know you, let him know he's safe and not in any danger of losing her to you. if he's comfortable with you in his life, he'll be fine with you in hers. just don't do anything stupid like make a move on her - if you do, when he's done with you i'll give you a smacking-around.

mafugga · 06-25-2003, 10:19 AM

Well, I talked to her the other night on the phone and we were having a nice talk about all of this, that is until he got on the line and told me to "just give up because she was his now". I tried to explain to him that it wasn't that way at all, that I am not romantically attracted to her and that he shouldn't feel like I am trying to move in on her or anything. Then he said that since she was at his apt. on his phone he had every right to break into our conversation at any time and "monitor" it to make sure than nothing fishy is going on. After that, she was kind of rude to me saying that he has every right to be suspicious of me and that I should be happy with what little time she gives me.

It was pretty lame how they both acted, you just don't treat your friends like that. So at this point I feel that she really doesn't value me as a friend. It's too bad but I wish both of them the best. I am sure they will be very happy together.

Mr-KLipp · 06-25-2003, 11:40 PM

This dude sounds like serious bad news. Bottom line, this is the kind of guy that ends up beating up his girlfirend because he gets in it his head that she was flirting with someone. But, even better, you may well not be in a position to tell here this due to her possibly thinking you are just trying to break them up so you can date here. If you know any of her friends, you might want to talk to them about it, as this guy does not at all good for her.

06-22-2003, 05:07 PM	#1 (permalink)
mafugga Upright	An Unfortunate Situation This has been bugging me for the last 6 or so weeks and I figured I might as well share it with you, since no one else I know has given me any decent advice on it. Ok, here's the situation. I have this friend, I consider her to be my best friend and so does she. I have known her for quite some time now and at one point we also were invloved. It didn't work out because she ended up moving to NY and I am on the west coast. We remained very very close though, like I said, Best Friends. We would talk on the phone every night, but it wasn't sexual, just as friends. Anyway, a few months ago, she started seeing this guy and now they are offically dating. The only problem is, he is so insanely jealous about the relationship she and I have that we barely talk anymore. He won't let her call me if they are together and she even has to email me on the sly. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her, and I am glad she found someone, however I am not thrilled about the fact that he doesn't want her talking to me. Apparently he is extremely insecure and feels I am a threat. I am not a threat though, she is just my best friend. She said she would talk to him about this, but so far hasn't gotten up the nerve to. I feel like maybe I should just accept the fact that while she is with this guy that I am the forbidden fruit and just stop talking to her. On the other hand, she is such a close friend that I don't want to let it go because of some moron's insecurities. This is such a tough situation because I want her to be happy with this guy and not mess anything up by me being involved, but I feel like I am having my best friend taken away. The last 6 weeks I have tried not to contact her as much and I guess I feel like I should maybe keep it that way indefinitely. Just wondering if anyone else has been in such a situation. I would really be curious to know how you handled it and the end result. Thanks

06-22-2003, 05:15 PM	#2 (permalink)
johnyto Upright Location: Chicago, Ill	hmm...a guy like him being jealous == problematic guy. If he does that with her now, believe me he will be with the co-worker of hers no matter what. In simpler words, that guy doesn't deserve her. He is no one to end a long time relationship even though is not more than a good relationship. I hope she dumps him. I wouldn't be jealous if my (wherever that g/f i will have, someday) talked to her best friends. Just my two cents. Good luck. __________________ This life is good...well, if you think of it being that way!!!

06-22-2003, 10:23 PM	#5 (permalink)
Slims Eccentric insomniac Location: North Carolina	I think it is perfectly fair to expect reasonable behavior on your part. I.E. no slumber parties with your friend, full body massages, etc. However, she has no right to ask you to abandon a loyal friend just to appease her jealousy. Old loyalties before new ones. __________________ "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

06-23-2003, 11:17 AM	#8 (permalink)
Memalvada Psycho Location: South of the border	Its worse to lose a true friend than a bf/gf. Hope she realises this. __________________ "The weak are food for the strong, so die and let me feast!" - Makoto Shishio (RK)

06-23-2003, 02:01 PM	#10 (permalink)
clavus pow! Location: NorCal	Some friend. She chose him over you. Think about it. __________________ Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

06-22-2003, 05:32 PM	#3 (permalink)
rogue49 Loser	just keep in touch with her when you can. his jealousy is his issue, he should be able to work through it. My best friends hubby had to do the same with me, he is now also a good friend and trusts me completely with her. I've known her for 13 years, him for 10. just keep it on the level, be straight.

06-22-2003, 05:35 PM	#4 (permalink)
rockzilla Junkie Location: The Kitchen	I had a female friend whose boyfriend was insanely jealous of any guy talking to her, myself included. She eventually decided that she'd rather keep him happy and have nothing to do with me than confront him about his unfounded jealousy. It sucked, but it was her choice to make, not mine. There isn't really anything you can do, your friend is the one who has to decide if you're worth talking to him about his jealousy. I find wanting to have that kind of control over someone is one of the most repulsive traits a person can have, and I hope either she sees that, or he fixes it. Either way, if you get back in touch with her, welcome her back with open arms and forget the whole thing ever happened, but you'd probably do that anyway.

06-23-2003, 10:29 AM	#6 (permalink)
absorbentishe Boy am I horny today Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!	Just keep it cool.... E-mail now and then, call when you know he's not around. His jealously will eventually lead him away from her, once she realizes what an idiot he is.

06-23-2003, 11:08 AM	#7 (permalink)
mtsgsd Addict Location: Wisconsin, USA	I was in this situation once. I went to college near home, and she went away. We stayed in contact, even when she started seeing a guy. Long story short, she became ingaged after college, and moved back to my town. She let it be known (without saying it outright) that all I had to do was say the word, and she'd drop him for me. We had only gone out once together, and I felt that she was more comfortable staying friends and didn't pursue it. Well of course I was mister honerable and wouldn't even consider it. Even though I had heard things from mutual friends that made me question why she was even marrying him. We talked about it a year or so later and only then discovered that we BOTH had huge crushes on each other, and were afraid to act on them. Our one date? What I saw was her nervousness at finally dating me. She just assumed that I wanted to stay friends when I didn't ask her out again. Anyway it seems she had been hoping that I'd help her get up the courage to leave her fiancee etc. etc. He was a big problem for her with drugs, alcohol etc. for awhile but finally straightened out for her. She has that affect on men. Meanwhile we hardly ever talk or write because I'm worried that he would get the wrong idea. They're still married, and so am I, but I'll always wonder what would have happened if I had the balls to do what I wanted to do. Sorry, still long. Bottom line. Look at what she means to you now, and then decide what to do. Fuck her jerk BF. She is what is important. If she's that good a friend, then don't let this guy break you up.

06-23-2003, 12:10 PM	#9 (permalink)
chavos Banned Location: St. Paul, MN	I'd put her on the spot. Make her realize that best friend or not, you won't be treated like a crappy poor relation, and that you want to openly be a friend to her. It's up to her to make this guy back down...

06-23-2003, 03:15 PM	#11 (permalink)
clockworkgreen Psycho Location: DC	Yeah. I agree. In essence, you were dumped. That's not a good friend.

06-24-2003, 11:23 AM	#13 (permalink)
phredgreen who? Location: the phoenix metro	here's my take on things... my ex had lots of "guy friends" some of them i was incredibly cool with and some i fucking suspected with all my being for one reason: they made themselves shady. they would call and hang up if i answered the phone, they were incredibly rude to me, they were just really asses (and it turns out i was right regarding more than one of them, but that's besides the point). the best thing you can do to help your friend's boyfriend get over the whole you thing is to befriend him. hang with him, let him get to know you, let him know he's safe and not in any danger of losing her to you. if he's comfortable with you in his life, he'll be fine with you in hers. just don't do anything stupid like make a move on her - if you do, when he's done with you i'll give you a smacking-around. __________________ My country is the world, and my religion is to do good. - Thomas Paine

06-25-2003, 10:19 AM	#14 (permalink)
mafugga Upright	Well, I talked to her the other night on the phone and we were having a nice talk about all of this, that is until he got on the line and told me to "just give up because she was his now". I tried to explain to him that it wasn't that way at all, that I am not romantically attracted to her and that he shouldn't feel like I am trying to move in on her or anything. Then he said that since she was at his apt. on his phone he had every right to break into our conversation at any time and "monitor" it to make sure than nothing fishy is going on. After that, she was kind of rude to me saying that he has every right to be suspicious of me and that I should be happy with what little time she gives me. It was pretty lame how they both acted, you just don't treat your friends like that. So at this point I feel that she really doesn't value me as a friend. It's too bad but I wish both of them the best. I am sure they will be very happy together.

06-25-2003, 11:40 PM	#15 (permalink)
Mr-KLipp Upright	This dude sounds like serious bad news. Bottom line, this is the kind of guy that ends up beating up his girlfirend because he gets in it his head that she was flirting with someone. But, even better, you may well not be in a position to tell here this due to her possibly thinking you are just trying to break them up so you can date here. If you know any of her friends, you might want to talk to them about it, as this guy does not at all good for her.