bluelou

Long story short, my wife cheated on me, I found out, we split....perhaps there were reasons for it, I'm not entirely blameless for the situation. She took our little one. She begged for another chance (we were apart nearly a year), I was angry, but still love her..so I did. Now...it's different...I still love her, but am not in love with her, I see her differently...I often wonder if I made a mistake, did I just get back together for our daughter sake? I am wondering now if I should leave and find happiness elsewhere, I don't think I've forgiven her..and I don't know that I will, I work long hours...but now seem to find any excuse to stay out longer, so she'll be asleep when I get in...and to be honest I think she does the same sometimes...I don't know if I'm actually looking for advice or just saying it out loud to the world....

Mister Coaster

While your daughter IS important, your happiness and mental well-being is too. After all, your daughter will be well taken care of no matter who ends up with custody, but if both you and your wife are miserable, there's no benefit to being together. My parents stayed together for the sake of us kids, and they were very unhappy people. Also she strayed once, chances are if you give her the opportunity (which it looks like you are) she will stray again.

Life is too short to be miserable for 15 years of it. The 2 of you will need counceling to truly get back together, because its obvious that you don't connect the way you did before the split. Good luck.

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squeeeb

things have changed and will not be like they were before, period. they can be as good, better, or worse, but not the same. the problem starts with trying to have what you used to have, and you can't. what you had no longer exists, and you can't re-create it, and trying will only lead to feelings of failure and frustration.

good luck to you....

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onward to mayhem!

ratbastid

People generally misunderstand forgiveness. We say, "I forgive you", and we mean, "I release you from the consequences of your earlier action, but I'll be watching for you to do it again." Obviously there's no real forgiveness there. That sort of "forgiveness" is just plain toxic.

Consider the word "forgive". In earlier iterations of the English language, it was spelled "foregive", and it meant quite literally to "fore-give". To give that person how it was before, as if the thing you're forgiving them for never happened.

You're either willing to do that, or you're not. Even if you DO do that, that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. You can say, "I forgive you, and it doesn't work for us to be together anymore." But until you're dealing with REAL forgiveness (including, possibly, your choice not to extend her real forgiveness), not much is possible in your relationship with her.

absorbentishe

If you want to be together, then you need to seek counseling, right away. If you don't want to be with her, then walk, and walk fast. Because she cheated, that doesn't make her a bad person. If you can get back to where you were before the incident, then do it, otherwise, it will be doomed to failure.

Cynthetiq

have you forgiven yourself?

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ruggerp11

If you love her and you want to find a way to fall in love with her again the its only going to come through long hard work counseling, communication and an open mind.

First things first though you have to want that to happen (as does she).

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Do What makes you happy
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BUT!
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abaya

I concur with Rat on this one, and wanted to chime in that the English goes back to the Old Norse, which is what we speak here in Iceland today. And the Icelandic phrase for "excuse me," or "I'm sorry," (even just after bumping someone in the street) is still fyrirgefðu, which if you break it down, is the same as for(fyrir)-give(gefa)+ you(ðu).

Or in longhand... "Please give me what we had before I injured you."

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MrFriendly

Mate, you need to talk to her about this, you guys need to sit down, and nut out how you both feel. Chances are you might need a councilor to help with that.

But what you're going now, by bottling it up, is going to destroy you, push her away, and create a difficult environment for your little girl. I had to grow up in family where dad didn't communicate, and mum resented the fuck out of him, it wasn't a fun house.

If you continue on like this, it will be unfair to your wife, unfair to your daughter, and most importantly, very unfair to you.

As others have so eloquently said, life is just to short to be miserable.

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You are not a slave

bluelou

Thanks, I still love her..but the trust is just, well, gone. Every time she's not home it gets me wondering...and yeah, I don't want the little one to suffer as a result of our problems.

ratbastid

Okay, so you haven't and won't truly forgive her. That's fine. But tell the truth about it--it'll make things go much easier for you.

tenniels

I don't think I could ever stay with someone who cheated on me. But then again, it all depends on how you feel in the situation, so I guess I'm predicting I would not be able to stay with someone who had cheated on me. And as for staying together for your daughter, while this may be noble of you, it in the end will not be the best thing for your daughter. Happy parents make the best parents and if you're unhappy in your relationship you are unable to live to your full potential. I hope you find peace in your decision, keep us posted.

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cyklone

This is the best advice you could get. You can rebuild a very good relationship, different from what you had, but so what, that didn't work so why rebuild the same thing. You will need professional help.

bluelou

Well we split, 3 weeks ago...but how is this...I've since found out a guy stayed over THAT night! And for the last couple of weeks has virtually lived there! Apparently nothing in it..they are just "friends"..a few nights maybe...but every night for 2 weeks? And to come over on the first night after I left..what sort of a slut is she? And what kind of A@#hole is he!

Nisses

Don't worry about it Bluelou,

You left her, and seeing how this happened so quickly, you left with good reason.

Leave it be, don't worry about her anymore, worry about your kid, and yourself.

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Sultana

I'm very sorry to hear it. I'd guess that she's trying to distract herself from the painful situation with the other guy, but of course that's the wrong thing to do.

I hope you can get past the pain and work on making a better new situation for yourself and the little one.

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bluelou

The really sad thing is that it's not even the same guy she cheated on me with! Doesn't say much about the type of person she is does it!

hagatha

You're not talking like a man who loves his wife. It sounds like this relationship is over. Some hurts we never recover from and if the trust is gone, you got squat.

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Acetylene

Who has custody of the little girl? She should NOT be exposed to a constant parade of "new daddies". It is extremely harmful to a child to have their parent start dating again so openly and so quickly, especially if he's sleeping there.

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tooth

Fully agreed. This is totally unacceptable behavior, for any reason, from either parent.