randygurl

I'm in a new relationship - have been seeing this guy for about three months now - and its going fantastic!

Its really great, we both love spending time with the other person and get along great! He makes me feel sexy and wanted and appreciated - something I've been craving since my last serious relationship which did not end well....

The one 'glitch' if you will, is that he's 38 and I'm 21. Neither of us consider it a problem and it really doesn't bother us at all - in fact we like to joke that he's only 7 years younger than my dad (I have very young parents)

He does have two children from his marriage - which lasted ten years and has been over for two. I haven't met the kids yet (at least not since we've been seeing each other, I met them years ago when we were just friends) but that's fine with me. In fact, I'm enjoying this time that is just for the two of us and I'm totally willing to let him introduce me in his own time.

The downside is that I know my parents will never approve of him. I know I don't need their permission by any means - if it makes me happy, I'm going to do it - but they are very religious and won't approve of a guy who doesn't belong to the same religion I was raised in, plus there's the age factor.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this relationship makes me very happy. It may or may not be heading for something long term, but I realize we have some things working against us and yet I'm happy just to enjoy the ride and see where it goes.

How have you of the TFP found relationships of such an divided nature to be? Both taking into consideration the age factor and the religious issues? (FYI - I basically left my parents religion straight out of high school and so therefore it isn't an issue for myself alone)

Sorry for rambling, let me know if this even made sense

analog

Welcome to being a young woman being attracted to a older guy. Lots of young women do it. Older men are astonished, but nonetheless happy that young chicks still want them.

Good luck, though... the long-term success rate of those types of relationships isn't always incredible. Enjoy

spindles

One thing I have learned is that it is surprising what your parents will accept. Don't automatically assume they will not be accepting just because he is older.

I have been surprised quite a few times with pre-judging what my parents think (not necessarily relationship stuff, but still relevant).

You should enjoy the relationship for what it is - when it is all said and done, your parents aren't dating him!

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pornclerk

One thing you really need to be aware of when dating someone older is that you two are probably in very different stages in life. It may not be apparent to you right now because you are still in that googly-eyed phase. It will start to become more obvious though how much older he is than you. I mean think about the future...when you are 40 he will be 57. Is this okay with you? He already has kids and by the time you are ready to have your own, he may not want any because he may feel he is too old.
It's not to say that age difference always gets in the way, but you need to be aware that someone who is 38 thinks a lot differently than someone who is 21.

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Rodney

Enjoy the ride; but as pornclerk says, your guy is in a different stage of life than you, and might not want the things you want down the line , because:

* he's already been there and done that and doesn't need to do it again, or

* he's at a stage where he wants to settle down and take it easy while you still want to climb mountains (literally or figuratively).

Also, right now he's probably the guy he's going to be for the rest of his life. He knows who he is and what he wants. You, however, might have a complete change of goals and priorities in the next five or seven years. That happens a lot in the '20s, and that's why a good number of early "serious' relationship go under stress: because one or both of the partners now wants different things than they did when they married.

So enjoy. But keep these things in mind whenever you get starry-eyed about "forever." And remember that all good things aren't expected to last forever.

Sage

Yay for finding a relationship that makes you happy! That's so very important, doubly so when your last relationship was crappy.

The age thing- if it works for ya, roll with it. Just enjoy being together right now, and enjoy being young!

The parents thing- either your parents are going to be happy to see you happy and not care about this guy's religion and age, or they're going to get uptight and not approve because this guy doesn't meet "their" vision of the guy that "should be" dating their daughter. If they really love you unconditonally, then they'll share in your happiness and keep their misgivings to themselves. However, there's also the possibility they'll be miopic about the whole situation and see everything through their religion-colored glasses, and be very disapproving. It's unfortunate, but it happens.

If you are no longer the same religion as your parents, who the fuck cares? One of the hardest things to do when you "grow up" is realize your parents are people too, capable of being selfish, bigoted, and flawed. You can still love them despite the less desireable bits however, and realize that you no longer have to get your parents approval for everything you do. If you like this guy, well hell, enjoy it! If you start getting serious with him, then parents are going to be just a little more imporant than they are now, and they're about .01% important to your relationship right now.

Have fun! You're only 21 once in your life- ENJOY IT!

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American

Sexual promptness changes as a man ages, get my drift? You ain't like you was when you were 25. Nevertheless, you there is a much shorter learning curve, and you're in no hurry.

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A Conservative in your face

ngdawg

40 and 57 are 'closer' than 21 and 38 life-stagewise. (Plus when the genders are opposite, those ages work better )

At 18 I was seeing someone twice my age. It didn't work out because of age primarily but it was fun while it lasted. Which is the main point. If you're enjoying each other, don't think twice. Second-guessing makes one lose what otherwise could be a wonderful experience. And all experiences, regardless of their conclusions, are good things that keep us growing and learning. 38 is far from old-it's really a terrific man-age

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Eweser

I don't have much to add to what's already been said, but being in a big age gap marriage, I can tell you that you will most likely encounter situations where you are at different mindsets. But it can be comforting to have someone close to you that has seen and done a bit to help ease stressful situations too.

But, if long-term isn't foremost on your mind, enjoy it. I agree with Sage. At his point in the relationship, your parents aren't as important. Just keep in mind as the seriousness grows, that they'll become a bigger part.

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Ustwo

My 'mental' cut off is about 10 years. If I were single I might go out and find some wonderful, great, 19 year old but I'd feel like I'd be cheating her out of a lot of living by doing so. Plus I'd have to explain half my jokes, as what I grew up with in the 70's and 80's would be to her what the 50's and 60's were to me.

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abaya

Ustwo has some good points here (/pinches self, remembering that we are outsied of the Politics board ).

There is something to be said for having a long-term relationship with someone around your age (I'd say 5 years above or below my age is about my limit, though 10 is definitely a cut-off for me). I've always enjoyed growing together with my peer-groups, and I don't take to being friends with people who are more like parents, aunts, uncles, older cousins/siblings, etc to me (or being friends with people to whom I am an "elder" of some sort, as laughable as that sounds).

Life stages are really important things to go through together, for me... that is a huge part of the joy of "growing old" together. (What use is it, if the other person has already "grown old" and is simply watching you go through it all?... or vice versa.)

Cases in point:

I watched my aunt, in her 40s, marry a man in his 20s... they were initially very happy, but became miserable once she hit menopause (after 5-10 years). He cheated on her multiple times. I think he has always been resentful of her and of himself for believing that this thing could work once physical changes started manifesting themselves. He is really no longer attracted to her, obviously.

I also watched my uncle, in his 50s, marry a woman in her 30s. They had a child together, but the man is basically like a grandpa. The wife had a briefly happy time at the beginning of the marriage, but after a few years (and a kid, yes, at his age) she basically became like a daughter/servant of his, because he needed constant care. She was no longer his lover, partner, or anything of the sort. Not to mentio he stopped being able to get it up at some point, due to his age and health. I believe her best years were stolen from her by my uncle.

Not saying this always has to happen... but notice that at least in these two cases, the people were blissfully happy at the beginning, and then it faded even more quickly than most same-age marriages fade. The reality sets in after a few years together... different generations are pretty hard to mesh. Then again, people say that about interethnic relationships, too, and I believe firmly in those! So, who knows.

I'd say enjoy it while it lasts. But don't set your heart on it lasting too long. If it does, woo-hoo. If not, move on and learn from it. Ngdawg knows what's up.

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for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
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savvypup

I've always been attracted to older guys and the age you're at at the moment isn't that big .... I believe. When I was 18, my boyfriend was 36 and that worked fine - then. I've just casually been seeing a 49 soon to be 50 yr old and I've just turned 31. Although I really enjoy his company among other things, I know it would never work long term. I'd be quite happy, but he on the other hand has grown kids a few years younger than me. He's at a different stage unfortunately.

So really, as long as you're both at a similar place - does the age make a difference. I certainly don't sit there & think 'hey, you're 20 years older than me'. Just enjoy each other.

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ciao bella!

Deltona Couple

OK, here are the basics, I was 28, she was 17(met 3 days before her 18th birthday, loooong story, and I don't need the critisism) We have been married now for 9 years, have a wonderful relationship, get allong great, rarely fight, and my two daughters love her to death! Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't, we are an example of one that works. My advice? the absolutely most important, don't forget, must have, REALLY important.... COMMUNICATION! ALWAYS talk to each other about everything, even if it is something you feel you don't like about the other person. No relationship is perfect, but if you never lie, and are always honest, ANYTHING can work!

randygurl

Thanks for all of the comments

A little update on the relationship - everything is still going fantastic! We're growing closer and closer each day and the age factor is not presenting itself as an issue at all!!

Still haven't told a word of it to my parents, but all in due time I guess....

Keep the comments coming, I like hearing of relationship similar to mine that have happy endings

SirLance

I think your key words in the OP are "new relationship." I've dated older women, and I've dated younger women. I think compatibility has less to do with age than with viewpoints and maturity. Sure, experiences will differ. He'll have had some you haven't and want to, and you should talk that over. Maybe even vice versa.

I think you shouldn't be concerned about the age issue. I think you should enjoy yourself, but I would not entertain thoughts of marriage for at least a year, and I'd recommend a year engagement (assuming you're thinking long term). This will give you PLENTY of time to see how you are together when no one is on their best behavior.

You can tell a lot about a man (I am one, so I'm qualified to comment) by how he treats people that can't do anything for him. Is he nice to the waiter? The convenience store clerk? The gas station attendant? If the answer is yes, then he'll be nice to you, forever, even though he might be mad sometimes.

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pig

Luckily, I have worked this out in exhaustive detail:



According to these comprehensive calculations, it's just not acceptable. However, I say to hell with it all, have a good time and what not. I hate to sound brutal, but there are a ton of reasons why relationships might fail; if it turns out that age kills this one, so be it. Enjoy it and learn while you're there.

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Deltona Couple

OK, I looked at your chart, looked again, read the text, looked again...lol. I may not be good at charts, cause my only comment is....WTF??....lol

tecoyah

My first marriage was to a woman 12 Days younger than myself, Christian Methodist, and devout. We divorced after seven years of her trying to convert me (I am Pagan).

My current wife is over ten years younger than me, and Pagan.....we just passed the seven year mark, and live in perpetual bliss.

Age is Irrelevant, compatiibility, and compromise make a marriage work.

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Dane Bramage

While I agree with you tecoyah (i'm gonna marry a woman 10 years younger then me) there are a few things that can put a damper on relationships with this large of a gap.

The first thing that pops into my mind is kids. Do you want any... because I would venture a guess that (as someone said above) has "been there, done that" and probably doesn't want to go down that road again.

With that being said, if you are enjoying life with this guy right now... then enjoy it. Nothing wrong with that. I would just caution about getting too serious with him until you've been together for quite some time. Years, and years and years.

In any event, I don't see why it's harmful in anyway. Just be careful.

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randygurl

Just a response to some of people's comments:

I actually don't want kids myself. He has two daughters from his previous marriage and while I wouldn't be adverse to having a role in their life, if this relationship were to last long term, I wouldn't be wanting him to commit to having children with me. I have had plenty of people tell me that I will change my mind when I get older, but I have always known that I am not meant to have children of my own. I have always planned to be the 'cool aunt' and let my brother have all the children So to find a guy that has already accomplished what he wants in that aspect of life, would really suit me just perfectly.

That is exactly where I'm at - the thought of marriage really hasn't even entered my mind. Right now I'm just enjoying the time we have together. Though on the same token a girl has to think a wee bit rationally, and if I didn't think I could ever see myself with this guy long term then there would be no point in continuing the relationship, so I have thought about it, but only to the extent that I can see myself with him - way in the future.....

Dane Bramage

You know... i do disagree with you a bit on this one. So long as the relationship isn't destructive, then why worry about it. You are 21... quite young, I might say. There is no reason to really worry about all that adult stuff yet. Of course, you are responsible for yourself, safe sex, emotional/physical abuse, that kind of thing, but as long as no one is getting hurt, I wouldn't say that you should break up with him just because you dont' see youself being married to him. No reason why you can't enjoy life and what you have.

My two cents.

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Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules — and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress.
Kurt Vonnegut - Sirens of Titan

genuinegirly

See... there you go. You can see yourself with him in the future, and you're having a good time.

Go for it. Why should age matter?

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