J-Dubs

First off I'd like to thank those who have taken the time to read this and also reply. You input is very much appreciated. I'll try and make this short and brief, since I'm a long winded person when it comes to explaining things.

I've been seeing this wonderful girl now for almost 2 months now and everything seems to be going great. At this point I couldn't ask for anything more, yet I am confused by her (aren't we all confused about women ) . Let me explain a bit about us both before I continue. I am 29 and haven't been in a relationship for 3 years due to 2 bad relationships in a row with the last one having cheated on me. Plus I really haven't been looking since then, but luck and happenstance has graced me with this situation. She is 25 and has just gotten out of a 6 year relationship 8 months ago. She has 2 boys, four and two; she wasn't married, but this was pretty much the only guy she has been with. She left him because he was a big drinker and extremely jealous. I don't drink and I'm not the jealous type.

Anyway I knew who she was, who her boyfriend was and that she had 2 kids before hand. I talked to her for like 1 minute one night at a bar when she approached me. I had to leave due to uncontrollable circumstances and cut it short. Well I saw her at the gym and talked to her, mentioned I had seen her, knew who her boyfriend was and knew about the boys. She asked me to give her my number and I did. She called the next day and we talked everyday until our 1st date the next week. Everything went great on that date, we hit it off. We just clicked there is the attraction, common interests, we love hanging out, etc... I obviously find her beautiful physically, she has a great personality, is a wonderful mother, and the more I learn each day the more I like her. Right now I find her even more beautiful inside than out.

We have talked everyday but a couple since that first phone call. She has told me time and time again that she hates talking on the phone, but with me it's different we can talk for hours and when she gets off the phone she always checks the time we were on and it's usually at least an hour, but it never seems that long to her or me. I have met both her parents (divorced), brother, and multiple other relatives and they all love me. She has always been straight forward with me (so she says and I've heard that before), but I honestly believe her. She told me early on she wants to take it slow, she doesn't know what's she's really looking for and was even dating other people the first month we were dating. But she has said the other dates, were nothing of interest and would rather have spent time with me. Now me on the other hand I wish it would move faster, since I haven't been in a relationship in 3 years. But I can understand her situation, first off she has to be cautious for her kids and herself. She doesn't want to jump into something to quick and have it back fire. I have told her I understand and I am willing to move slowly, but I wouldn't mind if it moved along at a faster pace. From the get go I never asked to do this or that with her boys and/or meet them. I said that would be up to her, which she loved to hear. She doesn't want to bring guy after guy around that she may be dating and introduce them and confuse them. She wants to wait until she knows its right. I have been in the same position as them when I was a kid so I can understand her thinking. So I didn't see them for the first month or so. Then recently I have been around them and being myself, but she hasn't introduced me as anything other than a friend.

So here is my question/issue and where my confusion lies. She always introduces me as her friend, says that we are "seeing" each other, not dating. Which I is fine. But she talks to her friends and family about me all the time, how good I am to her and nice I am. The one's I've met have commented to her how obvious it is I care about her. They tease her about me being her bf, when she tells them we are seeing each other. A few weeks back I went on a week long business trip. I saw her the night before I left, the next day in the afternoon she sent me a text saying she missed me already. The reason I mention that is she told me after I got back that before I left me being away would let her know more about how she felt about me. Since she missed me it was obvious she cares more that she lets on at times. She has said she wants me to meet the boys' dad, before I meet them. BTW they are still friends, she says he's a great dad, but they don't work well together. Much like my own mom and dad were, so I understand that.

But then there are things she says and does that makes it seem like she doesn't want to be with me or like she wants me to move on. Early on in our dating she would tell me about dates with other guys and not just she went on dates, but weird details. I would just hear it out and move on. I honestly didn't worry, since I'm not the jealous type if she wants me great if not oh well is my motto. I always thought she was testing me and my reaction to things to see if I was like her ex. Then recently she has said things like. She can't see herself with me, because of how her mom and dad's relationships were and she probably will end up like that. Or that I deserve better. She doesn't deserve me. She sees me with such and such type of girl, etc..... I've told her not to think or say that because even if she did really like, fall for, or love me now or in the future thinking that way will end up making her walk away from me even if she really doesn't want to. We've talked in depth about what we want in life, a relationship, etc... She has said she thinks the rug might get pulled out from under her in relation to us, if we move forward more. Her big thing is making sure that the next one she is with is the right one, again she wants to take it slow to make sure this (or even I am) the one. I totally understand this and that's why I’m moving slow for her also and I like I've said and I've told her I'd love if it moved along faster. But I guess as the old adage goes "the best things come to those who wait". And I'm willing to do that for her. I told her I was willing to wait just the other day, but what I really meant was taking it slow. Anyway when I said that she said I shouldn't wait for her and should date around if the opportunity was there I told her if even if I'm dating one person I can't date others people it's something I can't do.

So basically my question I guess, why is she acting like she's trying not to like me when I really think she does? Or why is she thinking the way she is? I am pretty damn sure she likes me a lot. I mean like I said we talk everyday, friends and family love me, she allowed me around her boys, she missed me when I was away. When I don't send her a text message or call for most of the day she always texts back and ask if I'm alive etc... She always says "call me tomorrow" after we talk. I know she knows I can give her all she would want, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc... I really really like her inside and out and I sure she likes me too, but WTF? What should I do? Maybe it's all a test by her to see if I will stick it out through it all.

Thanks again.

genuinegirly

She loves you. But she is still healing. Give her time, patience - everything you have given her. Since her whole family seems to be loving you, this appears to be a wonderful scenario. She probably sees you as having multiple options available. She doesn't seem convinced that you're interested in her for herself, and her loving sons.

Two months when a family is involved may seem like forever, but honestly, it sounds like you're making excellent progress.

All of the instances that you have brought up with being unsure about what she means by certain things, etc... you should learn to bring these up with her. Productive communication begins with realizing where incomplete communication is already occuring. You're completely on the right track. It sounds like you may be beating yourself up a little when it comes to using the right verbage. It's ok. Don't beat yourself up. Sounds like you will have plenty of time to say the right words, since you already seem to be figuring them out.

Each woman has a different communication style. This woman seems a bit insecure, like so many of us. I think that you will gain some respect by informing her of your honest opinion of her. Remove all hints of impatience from your voice (sounds like you already have) when it comes to discussing where the relationship is going. I think it is a good sign that she's not seeing other men at this point. Take that as a little trophy. Keep working on gaining trust, and communicating everything you have said to us - with her.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

amonkie

No matter how she is feeling, her boys come first, and I have a feeling that is what is floating on the top of her head. She needs to provide them a secure home first, and so from what you have said I get the impression she's as many precautions as she can to find out whether this is something that could work.

As long as you realize her boys come first, if you are [i]truly[/] willing to wait for her .... use this time to deepen your friendship.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

little_tippler

Well, I'm not so sure. Her saying she doesn't deserve you and that you should move on if the opportunity arises and always backing away from you doesn't sound good to me. I may be exaggerating but I feel that even though it all seems perfect to you, it may not be perfect for her. She may not be ready, and probably is too insecure and doubtful right now to make her mind up to share herself with you as well as herself and her children. I'd say wait, if you feel this strongly, but it may not work out. I think you're on the edge of the "friend zone". But I hope not and maybe she's just been so hurt in the past that she's really scared to dive in, so to speak.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

lurkette

So she was with this other man since she was 19, and she comes from a "broken home" and the only real relationship she was ever in failed. It seems reasonable that she'd be a little "gun-shy," whether it's logical or not. The only thing you can do is accept her concerns, listen to them, and don't try to change them. Her only models for relationships have turned out badly...it's going to take some time (longer than 2 months) for her to be able to see anything else in her future. Accept that she is attracted to you, but that she needs time to sort things out in her head. Take things as slowly as she wants - you're both young, and pushing right now will only set off warning sirens in her head.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

J-Dubs

Well thanks for the advice and replies to those who did. I'll mull over what was said and I will talk to her in the next couple of days I need to think through what I want to say and then discuss it with her. The comments have helped me a lot in understanding somethings. I am a bit confused about a couple things, but I think I can figure it out if I sit and think about it.

Again the advice and comments are much appreciated. I do hope it all works out with her I really do like her and want the best for her. I know what I can bring to the table would make her more than happy. But if it's not me then I honestly do hope the best for her she does deserve it.