Green Tea

So I posted this under Ladies Lounge... but I realized it would be good to have guys' perspective on this subject too... So I shall put this here:

So this is the situation: My ex met me and this other girl around the same time 1.5 years ago. At that time, he was only talking to her to try to hook her up with his cousin who lived on the same floor as her in the dorm (we're all college students). The hooking up didnt work out and instead, they just all became friends. (What I don't get is why he still continued to talked to her when it was obvious she wasn't interested in his cousin at all?) At around that time him and I became boyfriend-girlfriend and throughout that period of time, I met her maybe once or twice and she never made any more of an effort to talk to me other than "hi" or "bye" (the formalities).

Now I don't know about the rest of you but if I had a friend with a SO, I would try to befriend BOTH of them. I mean, I'm not going to try to be BEST friend with the SO, but I would at least try more than a "hi" or "bye." To me, it just seems to be more polite and social etiquette. However, my ex doesn't think this way at all. He thinks that if he had a friend with a SO, it wouldn't matter and he woudn't try to be friends with the SO and even if it's in a setting with the 3 of them, he would only talk to the friend and not the SO. I totally don't understand that AT ALL. Someone please explain this way of thinking to me.

So... throughout our relationship, he's maybe hung out with her a total of about 15-20 times in the span of 1.5 years (this number is from him) and talked to her on aim like an average of 3 times a week (number also from him) and the occasional text messages. However, ever since we've been together she's asked him to hang out like every week or every other week.

Skip forward to now, 1.5 years later, him and I have been broken up for about 5 months, but we still like each other and are in a "complicated" friendship. We're still seeing each other like everyday and doing everything together, eating all our meals together, and sleeping over at each other's house everyday. The reason for break-up is that he feels like he is too young (21) to be in a committed relationship and just wants to have fun, but haven't dated or really shown interest in anyone since our break-up. And btw, I think his reason for break-up is sooooo BS and stupid... but yea, what can I do...

So one time we were all at a club, with a lot of our friends, but the other girl didn't go in the same group as us but she was there. My ex and I both drank a lot. The thing is, I saw them dancing and I got pretty pissed. The alcohol just made it worse because I ended up making a big scene away from the dance floor, by the bathroom. The thing is... everytime we've been at a club together, she's ALWAYS asked him to dance. And if my ex says no, she'll just keep asking. I think she asked him to dance everytime she saw my ex (at least 3 times) that night. That obviously didn't help the situation and just pissed me off even more. So ever since that time she's thought I was crazy because I was arguing with him so much.

So finals week is next week and everyone in school is studying like no other... And my ex and I went to the library to study today. Out of nowhere she messages him "you're missing out it's a party here at the library me and phil (a mutual friend of me, my ex, and her) are both here come study!! ( I took it word for word from the text). So then my ex texts her back that him and I are also studying at the library and she replies with "oh shit... just kidding. please disregard my last message :X haha you can have fun with her" (taken word for word... WHO SAYS THAT?). Of course I'm kinda TICKED off from that comment because to me it's like ok... so she'll ONLY want to hang out with him if I'm not there? Is that not shady or what? So I call our mutual friend and asks him where he is at the library and we both go meet him up. To my surprise, that girl wasn't even there! She was on the same floor, but our mutual friend wasn't even studying with her and he hasn't even seen her that day. They were just on the same floor and talking on aim. So my thing is... why would she tell my ex to go study with them, when there was no them? And the fact that because I was also at the library, she didn't want to hang out together anymore. I found that to be very shady... So our mutual friend probably told her on aim that I wasn't in a good mood when we got there and then she msged my ex "I heard ur ex isn't in a good mood. There's no way I'm going over (And here's my FAVORITE part) she's going to chop my head off" (Taken word for word). Now WHY would she say that? Even at the club when I was argueing with my ex and I saw her walk by I just IGNORED her. I was super pissed at her for asking him to dance so much, but not once did I say a word to her. So I was pretty pissed off when I heard that she was scared that I was gona "chop her head off." To me, that just seems like she's trying to make me look bad and play the victim to get some sympathy from my ex.

So my question is... and I over reacting to this girl? Does she really just want to be friends with my ex and nothing more? Because to me, she is definitly trying way too hard to hang out with him and dance with him if they're just friends. I know she's asked him to go study at the library a lot of times or go get boba (along the lines of getting starbucks), but he's never gone. But she still persists on asking him on a weekly basis. So that makes me feel like there is no way this girl just wants to be friends. I duno if I'm reading too much into things, so I would like your opinions. My ex has told me that he's told her that he just wants to be friends, and everytime they talk he says hey friend, or oh do you have any cute sisters I can hook up with, or do you have any cute friends I can meet, etc. So he feels like he's been pretty obvious about being friends. And whenever I get mad at him, he'll tell me that even though she's asking him to do stuff, he's still right there with me and not hanging out with her. So I do believe that he just wants to be friends with her, but I don't understand why she is still trying so hard to be more than friends (in my eyes).

I really want to know what you girls/guys would think about this whole situation... and of course my ex would like to know too, because he thinks I'm just over reacting and have no reason to be upset about anything. So I would appreciate anything you would have to say about this subject... anything at all!!! I know it's been a VERY VERY LONG post and I really appreciate and thank you for sticking with it... I hope that your thoughts will give me a better idea as to what to do. THANKS!!!

monkeysugar

In a nutshell it sounds like you're in a "complicated" relationship status with your ex. Another girl is romantically interested in him (or just wants to jump his bones) but the feeling isn't mutual.

1. She's being a bitch to you because she wants him and you have him. Whether you "official" or not, for all intents and purposes you have him. She's probably trying to make him think that you are psycho/whatever in order to get him to quit hanging out with you. If he's got a brain in his head he'll see what she's doing and won't fall for it. however.....

2. That's a pretty fucked up reason to break up with someone. If he likes you, what's wrong with being in a relationship with you? Sounds like he's collecting the benefits and calling in sick from work. I know you like the guy, and he probably likes you too, but if he can't man the fuck up and be committed to you, is he even worth your time? Sounds to me like he's comfortable with you, but is keeping things unofficial so if someone else comes along that he likes better, he's free to go without the negative stigma of cheating on you or dumping you for another girl.

You deserve better, kiddo, and if you are looking for a relationship I guarantee that there are plenty of decent guys on any given campus that aren't afraid to be in one.

__________________
I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

little_tippler

This rings alarm bells in my head. To me it's like she's trying to get him to come meet her, by lying and making it sound like she'd be accompanied by another person, and so your (ex)boyfriend would think there'd be no way she'd try anything if someone else was there, and then if he did show up she'd be alone and could "have her way with him" so to speak.

Also the fact that she sends your (ex)boyfriend bitchy messages making you sound like a pain in the ass isn't "friend" behaviour.

I think you should be worried. But I don't think you should go to your (ex)boyfriend about it. Because that is exactly what she wants you to do. She wants you to be the bitch, who is paranoid about her "boyfriend's" girl - "friends". She wants him to get tired of your "nagging" and come and commiserate on her shoulder. I'm not sure what you can do without losing out. It depends entirely on the opinion of your ex.

And this brings me to another important point - he is your ex right? So she wants him and now the two of you are on similar ground, though you clearly have the advantage. Make sure he's worth fighting for. I mean, he can't commit to you. It has nothing to do with age. Ever heard the expression "it's not the quantity, it's the quality"? Some people are with one single person their whole lives. Do you think if you asked them they'd express regret over this? Or do you think they might consider themselves luckier than most? It's all about perspective. It could just be he needs time to realize how important or not you are to him.

I think you need to distance yourself from the anger/frustration you're feeling. Accept that there's probably not much you can do about this, and the worst that you could do is to pick his brain about it. If you can lay back and just concentrate on your relationship with him, it may work your way. Just be your normal, great/interesting/intelligent/sexy/attractive self and all that he fell for, and maybe he'll see his mistake in breaking up. Or not.

I'm sure you don't want to hear this but if it doesn't work out, you'll find someone else. Someone better and worth your time. Really.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Cynthetiq

move onwards and upwards. if he's going to be with you he'll come to you.

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GoldenOuroboros

I agree alot with what monkeysugar has said and little_tippler

Perhaps try to change her views on you? Yes he might be chasing your 'turf' but you don't want your bf or ex seeing you as the bitchy gf. Show him that you can be kind to what he calls a 'friend'. It might be her with the idea and he might just see her as a friend.

Also as stated, the way he doesn't want to commit is pretty crappy, yes it does sound like he just doesn't want the responsibility of the relationship so he can just go off when/if he finds something better.

As cythetiq said Move on up, if he wants to follow you he will

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feelgood

I got a question for you: Why are you so concern about his relationship with her? Yeah sure there's always gonna be feelings of tension or jealousity between the girlfriend and the bf's female friends. But your relationship with him is over and its a good thing you're still friends with him but you gotta ask yourself why you're concern about his relationship with other people, especially with this girl.

Can't you trust him enough to judge you based on the relationship you have with him? Rather than having to judge you based on what others, especially this girl, has to say about you?

[threadjack]
Not really a fuck up reason, I had the same reason. Perhaps the ex didn't really talk out why he broke up with her fully. There's more than meets the eye.
[/threadjack]

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Looking out the window, that's an act of war. Staring at my shoes, that's an act of war. Committing an act of war? Oh you better believe that's an act of war

Cimarron29414

He still has you around because you are willing to have sex with him and he doesn't have to be committed to you. As soon as he finds another, he will discard you. To maintain your own self-respect and dignity, terminate your contact with him entirely and immediately. Otherwise, you are sacrificing them for his benefit.

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"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

ryfo

i agree with Cimarron29414 wholeheartedly. An ex is an ex and while you may meet on occasion and be friendly, living in each others pockets is just asking for trouble. Its like stll living at home with mum and dad. Everythings there and available but with no responsibility. Find someone who isnt afraid of commitment and your self respect and dignity will remain intact.

opus123

little_tippler has said pretty much what I was going to say. Take a deep breath and relax. School is more important than relationships at school anyways. How much money is college nowadays ? Don't let this gal bring your grades down. Just ignore her most of the time.

Jonathan

abaya

What everyone else said, plus this:

If you broke up, then you are EXES. You are not friends, you are not cuddle bitches, you are not study buddies. You are EXES. Period.

Right now, your (and his) behavior is not reflective of being broken up, so I would address that as the primary issue to solve here. It doesn't have much to do with the other girl, whatsoever. It has to do with YOU. TWO. No one else.

Either decide that you're together, and call it what it is, or get a backbone and honor the reality that you are no longer a couple. That means, end contact, move on, do not look back.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I get so tired of couples who are broken up, but don't have the balls to own that reality. It's delusional.

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for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran