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Green Tea · 06-11-2006, 12:18 PM

So I posted this under Ladies Lounge... but I realized it would be good to have guys' perspective on this subject too... So I shall put this here:

So this is the situation: My ex met me and this other girl around the same time 1.5 years ago. At that time, he was only talking to her to try to hook her up with his cousin who lived on the same floor as her in the dorm (we're all college students). The hooking up didnt work out and instead, they just all became friends. (What I don't get is why he still continued to talked to her when it was obvious she wasn't interested in his cousin at all?) At around that time him and I became boyfriend-girlfriend and throughout that period of time, I met her maybe once or twice and she never made any more of an effort to talk to me other than "hi" or "bye" (the formalities).

Now I don't know about the rest of you but if I had a friend with a SO, I would try to befriend BOTH of them. I mean, I'm not going to try to be BEST friend with the SO, but I would at least try more than a "hi" or "bye." To me, it just seems to be more polite and social etiquette. However, my ex doesn't think this way at all. He thinks that if he had a friend with a SO, it wouldn't matter and he woudn't try to be friends with the SO and even if it's in a setting with the 3 of them, he would only talk to the friend and not the SO. I totally don't understand that AT ALL. Someone please explain this way of thinking to me.

So... throughout our relationship, he's maybe hung out with her a total of about 15-20 times in the span of 1.5 years (this number is from him) and talked to her on aim like an average of 3 times a week (number also from him) and the occasional text messages. However, ever since we've been together she's asked him to hang out like every week or every other week.

Skip forward to now, 1.5 years later, him and I have been broken up for about 5 months, but we still like each other and are in a "complicated" friendship. We're still seeing each other like everyday and doing everything together, eating all our meals together, and sleeping over at each other's house everyday. The reason for break-up is that he feels like he is too young (21) to be in a committed relationship and just wants to have fun, but haven't dated or really shown interest in anyone since our break-up. And btw, I think his reason for break-up is sooooo BS and stupid... but yea, what can I do...

So one time we were all at a club, with a lot of our friends, but the other girl didn't go in the same group as us but she was there. My ex and I both drank a lot. The thing is, I saw them dancing and I got pretty pissed. The alcohol just made it worse because I ended up making a big scene away from the dance floor, by the bathroom. The thing is... everytime we've been at a club together, she's ALWAYS asked him to dance. And if my ex says no, she'll just keep asking. I think she asked him to dance everytime she saw my ex (at least 3 times) that night. That obviously didn't help the situation and just pissed me off even more. So ever since that time she's thought I was crazy because I was arguing with him so much.

So finals week is next week and everyone in school is studying like no other... And my ex and I went to the library to study today. Out of nowhere she messages him "you're missing out it's a party here at the library me and phil (a mutual friend of me, my ex, and her) are both here come study!! ( I took it word for word from the text). So then my ex texts her back that him and I are also studying at the library and she replies with "oh shit... just kidding. please disregard my last message :X haha you can have fun with her" (taken word for word... WHO SAYS THAT?). Of course I'm kinda TICKED off from that comment because to me it's like ok... so she'll ONLY want to hang out with him if I'm not there? Is that not shady or what? So I call our mutual friend and asks him where he is at the library and we both go meet him up. To my surprise, that girl wasn't even there! She was on the same floor, but our mutual friend wasn't even studying with her and he hasn't even seen her that day. They were just on the same floor and talking on aim. So my thing is... why would she tell my ex to go study with them, when there was no them? And the fact that because I was also at the library, she didn't want to hang out together anymore. I found that to be very shady... So our mutual friend probably told her on aim that I wasn't in a good mood when we got there and then she msged my ex "I heard ur ex isn't in a good mood. There's no way I'm going over (And here's my FAVORITE part) she's going to chop my head off" (Taken word for word). Now WHY would she say that? Even at the club when I was argueing with my ex and I saw her walk by I just IGNORED her. I was super pissed at her for asking him to dance so much, but not once did I say a word to her. So I was pretty pissed off when I heard that she was scared that I was gona "chop her head off." To me, that just seems like she's trying to make me look bad and play the victim to get some sympathy from my ex.

So my question is... and I over reacting to this girl? Does she really just want to be friends with my ex and nothing more? Because to me, she is definitly trying way too hard to hang out with him and dance with him if they're just friends. I know she's asked him to go study at the library a lot of times or go get boba (along the lines of getting starbucks), but he's never gone. But she still persists on asking him on a weekly basis. So that makes me feel like there is no way this girl just wants to be friends. I duno if I'm reading too much into things, so I would like your opinions. My ex has told me that he's told her that he just wants to be friends, and everytime they talk he says hey friend, or oh do you have any cute sisters I can hook up with, or do you have any cute friends I can meet, etc. So he feels like he's been pretty obvious about being friends. And whenever I get mad at him, he'll tell me that even though she's asking him to do stuff, he's still right there with me and not hanging out with her. So I do believe that he just wants to be friends with her, but I don't understand why she is still trying so hard to be more than friends (in my eyes).

I really want to know what you girls/guys would think about this whole situation... and of course my ex would like to know too, because he thinks I'm just over reacting and have no reason to be upset about anything. So I would appreciate anything you would have to say about this subject... anything at all!!! I know it's been a VERY VERY LONG post and I really appreciate and thank you for sticking with it... I hope that your thoughts will give me a better idea as to what to do. THANKS!!!

06-11-2006, 12:18 PM	#1 (permalink)
Green Tea Upright Location: La Jolla and Arcadia, CA	I NEED ADVICE- My ex and his friend... So I posted this under Ladies Lounge... but I realized it would be good to have guys' perspective on this subject too... So I shall put this here: So this is the situation: My ex met me and this other girl around the same time 1.5 years ago. At that time, he was only talking to her to try to hook her up with his cousin who lived on the same floor as her in the dorm (we're all college students). The hooking up didnt work out and instead, they just all became friends. (What I don't get is why he still continued to talked to her when it was obvious she wasn't interested in his cousin at all?) At around that time him and I became boyfriend-girlfriend and throughout that period of time, I met her maybe once or twice and she never made any more of an effort to talk to me other than "hi" or "bye" (the formalities). Now I don't know about the rest of you but if I had a friend with a SO, I would try to befriend BOTH of them. I mean, I'm not going to try to be BEST friend with the SO, but I would at least try more than a "hi" or "bye." To me, it just seems to be more polite and social etiquette. However, my ex doesn't think this way at all. He thinks that if he had a friend with a SO, it wouldn't matter and he woudn't try to be friends with the SO and even if it's in a setting with the 3 of them, he would only talk to the friend and not the SO. I totally don't understand that AT ALL. Someone please explain this way of thinking to me. So... throughout our relationship, he's maybe hung out with her a total of about 15-20 times in the span of 1.5 years (this number is from him) and talked to her on aim like an average of 3 times a week (number also from him) and the occasional text messages. However, ever since we've been together she's asked him to hang out like every week or every other week. Skip forward to now, 1.5 years later, him and I have been broken up for about 5 months, but we still like each other and are in a "complicated" friendship. We're still seeing each other like everyday and doing everything together, eating all our meals together, and sleeping over at each other's house everyday. The reason for break-up is that he feels like he is too young (21) to be in a committed relationship and just wants to have fun, but haven't dated or really shown interest in anyone since our break-up. And btw, I think his reason for break-up is sooooo BS and stupid... but yea, what can I do... So one time we were all at a club, with a lot of our friends, but the other girl didn't go in the same group as us but she was there. My ex and I both drank a lot. The thing is, I saw them dancing and I got pretty pissed. The alcohol just made it worse because I ended up making a big scene away from the dance floor, by the bathroom. The thing is... everytime we've been at a club together, she's ALWAYS asked him to dance. And if my ex says no, she'll just keep asking. I think she asked him to dance everytime she saw my ex (at least 3 times) that night. That obviously didn't help the situation and just pissed me off even more. So ever since that time she's thought I was crazy because I was arguing with him so much. So finals week is next week and everyone in school is studying like no other... And my ex and I went to the library to study today. Out of nowhere she messages him "you're missing out it's a party here at the library me and phil (a mutual friend of me, my ex, and her) are both here come study!! ( I took it word for word from the text). So then my ex texts her back that him and I are also studying at the library and she replies with "oh shit... just kidding. please disregard my last message :X haha you can have fun with her" (taken word for word... WHO SAYS THAT?). Of course I'm kinda TICKED off from that comment because to me it's like ok... so she'll ONLY want to hang out with him if I'm not there? Is that not shady or what? So I call our mutual friend and asks him where he is at the library and we both go meet him up. To my surprise, that girl wasn't even there! She was on the same floor, but our mutual friend wasn't even studying with her and he hasn't even seen her that day. They were just on the same floor and talking on aim. So my thing is... why would she tell my ex to go study with them, when there was no them? And the fact that because I was also at the library, she didn't want to hang out together anymore. I found that to be very shady... So our mutual friend probably told her on aim that I wasn't in a good mood when we got there and then she msged my ex "I heard ur ex isn't in a good mood. There's no way I'm going over (And here's my FAVORITE part) she's going to chop my head off" (Taken word for word). Now WHY would she say that? Even at the club when I was argueing with my ex and I saw her walk by I just IGNORED her. I was super pissed at her for asking him to dance so much, but not once did I say a word to her. So I was pretty pissed off when I heard that she was scared that I was gona "chop her head off." To me, that just seems like she's trying to make me look bad and play the victim to get some sympathy from my ex. So my question is... and I over reacting to this girl? Does she really just want to be friends with my ex and nothing more? Because to me, she is definitly trying way too hard to hang out with him and dance with him if they're just friends. I know she's asked him to go study at the library a lot of times or go get boba (along the lines of getting starbucks), but he's never gone. But she still persists on asking him on a weekly basis. So that makes me feel like there is no way this girl just wants to be friends. I duno if I'm reading too much into things, so I would like your opinions. My ex has told me that he's told her that he just wants to be friends, and everytime they talk he says hey friend, or oh do you have any cute sisters I can hook up with, or do you have any cute friends I can meet, etc. So he feels like he's been pretty obvious about being friends. And whenever I get mad at him, he'll tell me that even though she's asking him to do stuff, he's still right there with me and not hanging out with her. So I do believe that he just wants to be friends with her, but I don't understand why she is still trying so hard to be more than friends (in my eyes). I really want to know what you girls/guys would think about this whole situation... and of course my ex would like to know too, because he thinks I'm just over reacting and have no reason to be upset about anything. So I would appreciate anything you would have to say about this subject... anything at all!!! I know it's been a VERY VERY LONG post and I really appreciate and thank you for sticking with it... I hope that your thoughts will give me a better idea as to what to do. THANKS!!! Last edited by Green Tea; 06-11-2006 at 12:51 PM..