joeb1

Ok... I started this thread because I did not want to hijack the "young kids and Xbox thread"

I do have some concern for my almost three year old. He has become very violent lately. At least in my eyes.

Just a couple of examples....

Our eight month old is sitting in the floor. The three year old is playing with a toy. The eight month old crawls over to where the other is playing. Sits up and grabs the three year olds toy.
The three year old turns to him and pushes him while trying to get the toy back. The eight month old falls over backward hitting his head on the hardwood floor. He was not a happy camper.

Another example would be:

My wife and I were sitting on opposite sofa's last night talking. I was on the edge of mine, kinda with my back to the hallway. All the sudden I feel this pain in my lip, with little sparkles flying around my head for a couple of seconds. It took me a while (a few more seconds) to realize what had just happened. He had his little play sword out. (It is actually kind of big for him, but belonged to his older brother when he was younger.) Yep.. you guessed it. He had whacked me in the mouth. Now it is swollen and cut. Ouch... did not see that one coming. I was very upset and left the room. My wife talked to him. My wife thought I was to harsh on him.

Would you view this as overly aggressive behavior, or just normal boy behavior? How would you deal with this?

We basically give him a stern NO! You do not treat anyone this way! You are hurting the person type response. It does not seem to be sinking in though. Even though he apologizes, he continues to do it (be aggressive). Now granted not in the same day, or week.

I sometimes wonder if he is learning this type of behavior as a coping mechanism? Maybe to deal with being the lower man on the totem pole?

He does have an older brother (12)and sister(8).

His older brother does play a lot of video games in front of him. Mostly Star Wars type games. No grand theft auto or Halo. We don't own those. I don't know if this is having an effect on him? But looking at his current behavior. I would have to suspect something is going on somewhere?

Any suggestion on how to deal with the behavior, if at all. I certainly don't want it to get worse.

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Disco Duck...

Coppertop

Overly aggressive? No, this is pretty much every male child at that age range I've been around. And trust me, I've been around kids my whole life. It's not acceptable, of course, but this is about the age when children learn that.

desal75

I think (i have two) all kids go through this overly rough phase. In some ways I don't think they understand that it hurts. IE that can't see far enough in advance to understand the outcome.

Not to start a giant disagreement or flame war but have you considered spanking in severe instances? It worked for me.

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The Man in Black fled across the desert and the Gunslinger followed.

joeb1

I will try to resolve this peacefully for now. I have not reached that stage yet. Although it might be a possibility in the future. I think my profanity before I left the room was enough to scare him.

I think you are correct that maybe he does not associate hitting or shoving with the pain that it causes.

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Disco Duck...

discotequi

I think it is stuff like this that I find most intimidating about the fact that I'm 5 months away from becoming a first time father... has anyone found any parenting books that were helpful in at least starting you thinking about the right things? Or shall I learn everything I need to know about parenting right here?

dksuddeth

how do the 12 and 8 year old interact with each other? If he sees them fighting then he could be emulating the older boy's behavior also.

As far as taking the hit in the mouth, tell your wife she's being overly protective. You should have taken the toy sword away and given him a serious timeout to let him know in no uncertain terms NEVER to swing anything at anyone again.

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"no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything. You cannot conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him."

joeb1

That is a possibility also. They are the normal brother/sister. Lots of pulling each others strings. Trying to see what kind of reaction each little thing will get. Theirs is more mind games.

I have never seen those two get physical. They are both Jr. Black belts right now. It would not be good if they got into it.

Maybe it is something he has picked up watching them train at the school? I am sure he gets confilicting signals all the time. It will just take some time because of this.

Don't worry about it discotequi. You will be fine. There are plenty of books out there. I currently am reading one called "Raising Cain, protecting the emotional life of boys" (If you are having a boy of course) I think there is also one similar for girls. Although I have not looked into that one yet.

We currently have 3 boys and 1 girl.

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Disco Duck...

clavus

Sounds like normal behaviour to me. Stay on top of it. Keep telling him what is right and wrong.

I've always told my oldest (now 4.5 years old) that his JOB is to be the nicest person in his brother's life. We emphasize how important he is to his little brother and that nobody else can take his place. Everybody has jobs in our family, and we take them seriously. So when #1 is not nice to his brother, we remind him of his job and it seems to resonate.

(Yes, we emphasize love and respect too. Its not all about the job)

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CityOfAngels

I'm still wondering how this is related to anything re: XBOX?
I personally feel that videogames and TV don't teach kids anything unless:
a) The material is overtly educational and pertains to reality as much as possible
or b) The poor child isn't getting a proper education at home and must turn to other things to learn life's principles from.

I agree that if you stick a kid in a room and have him play San Andreas, have that be his only daily activity with no interaction with other people, for a year, he will not only go insane, but adopt the game as his/her primary source of learning.
But if you stick a kid in that same room for an hour each day, and then give him/her a proper education and upbringing, the game's only positive or negative affects would be on fun factor for an hour each day, which would depend on the child's tastes.

I'm sick and tired of parents trying to find scapegoats for their bad parenting. Not that I'm saying you are, but surely your skepticism derives from other parents doing just that.

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The words "love" and "life" go together. It is almost as if they are one. You must love to live, and you must live to love, or you have never lived nor loved at all.

joeb1

Not really tring to find a scapegoat. My uncertainty lies with "parenting" as something we are not born knowing how to do. I have not placed the blame on anyone or anything. I thought it was a relavant topic online with the xbox post.

Just wanted to explore some answers as to why he has acted the way he has. And to find out if this behavior is typical of a boy his age and situation.

If it is normal behavior.. fine.

If it is because of "bad parenting". Even better... it is easier to change my actions than his.

I personally feel that you are way off base. Kids learn and absorb ALL that is around them. The good and the bad. From TV, video games, parents, siblings. And it does not take sticking them in a room with that as their only stimuli.
Fun factor or not.
A young child is still going to mimic what they see or hear. Or as my scientist friends say, "The brains pre-frontal cortex will at a young age pick up on this type of environmental stimuli."

The brains pre-frontal cortex is responsible for planning, organizing and sequencing behavior for self-control, moral judgment and attention.

His is still developing. And I am trying to teach him the correct way (right from wrong). If the stimulus from the xbox is affecting him in a negative manner. Then the negative will be removed until he is able to discern that it is just a game.

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Disco Duck...

CityOfAngels

Once again, I was not accusing you of finding a scapegoat, but rather basing your skepticism on the claims of parents who have. While all that you said is true, all it takes is a parent to be present and say, "No!" Viola, the child either stops, or does it again and needs some negative reinforcement from the parent (how you punish your child is none of my business, just as long as its done out of love and not anger).
My main point is this: So many people say, "Videogames teach my kids...," "Movies teach my kids...," "Television teaches my kids...," while they're completely missing the actual problem. If the parents are there to guide the children, rather than talking on the phone 24/7, laying on the couch, eating cheesie puffs while watching Ricki Lake (Believe me, I've come home from school when I was little to see my mom doing just this, while my little 2 year-old brother ran amok), then the child has a chance. Their problem is the parenting, not the entertainment that they throw at their kids.
Sure, I understand some children require aggressive limitations on this kind of stuff, such as overly-hyperactive children (I was pretty hyperactive as a child, even though I was never diagnosed as such, and I did some pretty stupid stuff. You should've seen my grandma's face when I took my baked potatoe and screamed "Test your might!" and karate chopped it), but for most, all it takes is a parent's presence and action.
So you say your kid is getting into light-sabre fights with you out of nowhere. Give him some negative reinforcement. Of course since it's been quite awhile, he may need aggressive limitation to the exposure of any sort of media, but not for more than what it takes for him to stop. Once you get it in his head that certain things are not OK, I would assume when he saw such things on TV, he would see it as something bad happening in the game. Children are children, but they're not stupid. They learn just like you and I do; they just need your help as they're still developing physically and physiologically.

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The words "love" and "life" go together. It is almost as if they are one. You must love to live, and you must live to love, or you have never lived nor loved at all.