girldetective

How does one become adult? Or put another way how does one find who they are, become aware of what they want or want to do? How does one self-actualize? I apologize for this elementary question, but I'm new and finding my way. I don't know anyone like me. I am a person who knows so little about herself that I like to be what others would have me be. I like to create what others need/want in most any way. You want to fly to Bali, I'll ensure you have a ticket. You want me to go with you for an extended time, I will quit my job. Do you want a fat girl? I will overeat. Do you want a new book? I'll ensure it is in your hands. Blind? I will read it to you. I am a life slut. I believe happiness can be achieved, but personal fulfillment has me flummoxed. How does one go about feeling fulfilled without relying on others and their happiness?

Plan9

I've heard that a man isn't really an adult until he experiences the death of his own parents... perhaps the birth of his children.

Marriage and academics don't seem to hold as much value these days. Easily obtainable and often disposable.

*cue Lion King's "Circle of Life" tune*

Environmental hardship and life experience create more mature individuals.

Good OP. I ask myself these things all the time.

I wonder, "Is this what it is to be an adult?"

I get the feeling we all lead double lives.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Hain

We all live with some sort of mask, hiding the things we can't let people know. Some people have many masks to take on many different roles. I was something similar, not to that extent of the original poster, but I felt like I had no inner self.

When are we adult though? I really don't know. I always felt like an adult because I would think things differently than my peers. And now being "grown up" I still have that childish wonder of the world.

I guess when we are willing to live with the unforeseen consequences of our actions. Or when we accept we can live a life alone and still be happy with just ourself. Maybe when one realizes, really understands, that one is going to die- maybe not today, not tomorrow, but sometime.

One day, I threw away my masks, and kept on living. Legally I am an adult. Am I really though? ... I bet it was the first step towards it, at least.

__________________

////\\// IRONSKY.NET \\//\\\\

girldetective

Crompsin (Daddy): My parents are dead; I have two children. There is probably no hope for me. I have arrived in the world after a somewhat priviledged and what some might think of as ideal situation. I did not think it was ideal because it was extremely insular. I am naive, although many people look at me with romantic envy and tell me I am virginal or just beginning and they are right, too. If I am lucky and this is an enviable position, where do I go to maximize it and what is it I want to maximize? I am a passionate person who doesn't know where to put that passion, how to best utilize it. When most of the world is new and available, and it all looks good and shiny, how does one know what to do, which direction to take, which will be most helpful, most fulfilling? It's not that I am necessarily immature, but inexperienced. How does one get experience, and how do they know what to experience? Does this make sense?

Hain

Write. Art. Poetry. Or learn languages and visit the world [on your own accord]. The more people you interact with the more ... singular [unique] but connected you realize you are.

You have a passion for experience, so experience the rest of the world and it's people.

[ Also, you have two children and you do not live for them?

Creating your own goals and seeing them through is a good measure of maturity and being adult... I guess. I realize I am too young for this discussion. ]

__________________

////\\// IRONSKY.NET \\//\\\\

girldetective

Augi: I have lived for my daughters. They are in graduate school on the east coast and I have paid for their education, and raised them to be champions of the world. They are good and smart people who are world travelers that bring dimension to my world. I would like to catch up to them. Its funny because I actually do art and some of it is good and I like doing it, but I always feel somewhat like a fake or imposter when Im done. One of the problems I see is knowing what goal to create and is it genuine.

And, Im probably to old for this forum at 42.

The_Jazz

Doubtful. I'm 37. There are at least 6 other staff members that I can think of off the top of my head over 40. Our most prolific poster is in his 50's (that's a shout out to you, Bobby).

Art takes many forms. Augi can tell you about mathmatical art, since he's well versed in that. I, on the other hand, don't have an artistic bone in my body. TFP, however, serves as a creative outlet when I need one. Expressing my ideas is cathartic and serves to help me define them.

If you think you're too old for us, I feel sorry for you. I can't remember what movie it's from (Shawshank Redemption?) but you should "get busy living or get busy dieing". You get experience by doing. Go do things. Find out what makes you happy. Or don't. Solitary existence is experience too.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Willravel

Old is a state of mind (says the 24 year old).

I knew I was an adult as soon as it happened. I believe that if you have a time where you say to yourself, "Ah, I'm an adult now.", then you're probably an adult.

Cynthetiq

I was an adult when I took care of myself 100% and didn't have to rely on any one but my own self.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

jewels

You're already an adult. I can relate to so much of what you're saying because you've spent so much time pleasing everyone else that you're not sure what you want. The kids are grown and it's empty nest time. That means it's YOUR TIME! That's a new concept, right?

Draw, write, express yourself. Surf the web, get out to libraries, art shows, museums... think about your childhood dreams. What was it you wanted? What is it you're thinking you're too old to do?

I'm not ashamed to say that I'm older than you, and I still have 2 of my 3 girls at home (one's still in middle school). But since I will have had 28 years of raising children when the youngest turns 18, I've had lots of time to think about what I want to accomplish, what will make me feel good.

Yes, it's all about me. It's your time to shine for YOU and no one else.

Take your time. It's probably staring you in the face or somewhere in the dark recesses of your mind. Something that inspires passion, joy and fulfillment. When you find it, you'll know.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

girldetective

Whoa, dudes! I apologize for any confusion. I don't think this has anything to do with age, nor do I think I'm too old. My response was simply smart ass to Augi who mentioned he was probably too young. But I have it now. Thank you for slamming it into me. I will never make that mistake again.

Jazz: That's right for me, too. I feel less visually artistic and more like a student. However, I am surrounded with visual artists and feel compelled to be like them rather than like me. It is simply not my field. I am excited to move on. I think my field might be exploring and learning and people. It is fun for me, entertainment as well as serious business. Since I have so much to learn and so much opportunity, but little experience, I wonder where to start. For example, I look at a college catalog and I can find something intriguing in most any subject. Not necessarily every class, but every broad subject. How does one go about narrowing it down? I look at a travel catalogue and I want to go to each place. How does one start in a meaningful direction?

Willravel: I guess I am an adult, but I am wanting. I just don't know what.

Plan9

Did someone just call me Crompdaddy?

BET... here I come!

...

Society's merit badge system of "I have" and "I am" seems like a whole lot of crap as far as measuring who is and who isn't an adult. These integers are a good way to gauge how old somebody might be as far as years on this dirtball... but not necessarily their maturity or experience.

You don't have to be smart or rich or good looking to be an adult... despite what all those damned full-color froo-froo magazines tout.

...

Being an adult. Double lives.

Who we think we are... and who we are because we have to be.

Hmmm.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

girldetective

C-Daddy: Yes. Yes, I did call you Daddy.

How do we integrate who we are with who we have to be, or who we want to be? And how do we know who we want to be? How do we become, and more importantly how do we know who we want to become? This is really terrible the more i go on because I realize I am lacking the self gene. But, I'll figure it out.

What the hell is that a picture of? I like it.

Jewels443:Yes, that is all right. However, this is a chronic piece that is missing for me. I never learned it before, and I don't seem to have picked it up in the interim. I can focus, but I don't know where to focus. I know a little about a lot, but nothing in depth. It's a question of pick and stick. How does one choose or narrow it down when it is all ripe?

PonyPotato

It's Muppet Jesus. He lived in a cinnamon roll.. and then I ate him.


As for the topic of adulthood.. I suppose I feel personally that there is always another "level" to achieve, another experience to have. I feel like I am "an adult"--I understand responsibilities and consequences, I'm legally recognized as an adult--but I still believe there are other steps to climb before I reach the level of "well-rounded, experienced human being."

__________________
"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Ustwo

When I was a child I thought there was some magic point where I'd be an 'adult' and know all those things I wanted to know.

I was wrong, there is no time where you are an adult, its a constantly evolving state.

I thought I was an adult when I was in college, I was wrong.
I thought I was an adult when I was married, I was wrong.
I thought I was an adult when I became a doctor, I was wrong.
I thought I was an adult when I had my first child, I was wrong.
I think I'm an adult now.

By definition, I've been an adult at all those points, but I've changed so much as a person, improved and matured, that I can look at my past 'adult' selves and think 'god what a stupid kid I was'.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

jewels

I don't think it matters until you find it. Maybe if you try focusing on the journey itself, enjoy the seeking. Take the pressure off yourself and then eventually you'll find what you're looking for. Try everything that's ripe and try not to worry about "pick and stick" until you find it. And hey, who knows, there may be a few things you can do that will work well for you.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

PonyPotato

This post was a much better way of wording what I think I was trying to say.

__________________
"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Plan9

*cue "Circle of Life" tune*

Yes, yes... we are what we do.

Whammawhamboo... hmmm, I don't know if I agree with your evolving definition of adulthood... you seem to be using experience in the place of maturity. Maturity can exist without experience. Experience simply gives you perspective on how you'll act/feel the next time. Increases "oh shit" reaction times. An emotional high fiber diet.

Is adulthood a lifelong achievement? Like education? Hey, I learn something every day... but not too many people feel that my time in Iraq / A-stan was educational.

It was an experience.

We aren't adults because we're ready for things... we're adults because we acknowledge our weaknesses or failures, we're adults because we accept our limitations and still get up in the morning and go off to work with a reasonable amount of "Aah, that's life for ya!" on our coffee-stained HUDs. Adults = true doers, go-getters, thinkers.


My prostate. Stop looking at it. I can't do it when you watch.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

fracas

well it's a personal thing depending on however you achieve independence of means and mind from your childhood

however sexual maturity is an objective factor - setting up a new unit separate from your parents depends on emotional unity with another person.. which of course depends on sexual unity.

self denial doesn't sound like a good vector for self actualisation though, at least if it is in any way unreal

Sugarmouse

I dont think there is much difference. We continue to grow spiritually and mentally until we die, constantly changing..

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Sugarmouse=Festered

Crack

Perhaps you can only be an adult to others? Take my grandfather for instance, he was a crotchety old man from the time he was 9. For all I know, he still felt like a child when he died at 96.

Impressions of ones self are fleeting and almost always unfulfilled when you try to accomplish something that wasn't there by default. Perhaps some of us are not meant to be adults. I like that idea.

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

genuinegirly

namako,

You understand yourself in a way that most do not.

You are where it begins. Next you must read. learn. absorb. Find your opinions and voice by challenging all you read and experience, approaching subjects from a new direction.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

AngelaSI

If being an adult means being like most people 18+ then I will stay a child

SSJTWIZTA

i couldnt agree more.

__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

ngdawg

Of all the things I've done as an adult, I didn't truly feel like one until I went away alone. No spouse, no kids, just me in my car driving for 11 hours. It was heaven, it was freeing....and I was 47 years old.....from that point on, my life changed the way I wanted it to.
I've never been younger.........

levite

1. Read. Read a lot. Read books on self and psychology. Read books on spirituality and religion (and not just one or two varieties). Read classical literature, poetry, and philosophy. Read books on science and history. Think about what you read. How does it make you feel? Why?

2. Expose yourself to Art. And I don't mean start flashing actors. Go see plays, operas, and concerts. Go to museums and gallery shows. Do it a lot. Think about what you see and hear. How does it make you feel? Why?

3. Introspect. Think about who you are, where you're at, where you came from, and what you've seen and done. Think about what you like and dislike, and ask yourself why. Confront the things in yourself you are reluctant to confront. Analyze the most painful, least pleasant experiences you've had: how have they affected you? Why are they so painful? What made you feel as you did? Do the same for your most pleasant experiences. Confront your sexuality: what turns you on? Why? Do you have a good sex life? What works and what doesn't? Think about everything in your life, past, present, and your hopes and dreams and fears and worries about the future.

4. As an aid to 3, consider spending some time talking to a therapist of some sort. There is nothing wrong with this, and one need not be unbalanced or neurotic in any way to benefit from time spent talking to a competent professional. A good therapist is unintrusive, acts as a sounding board for you to analyze yourself.

5. Learn to meditate. Meditation fosters clarity, balance, and inner peace. Most communities of any size have classes in meditation someplace. There are many good books on the subject. Meditation, in one form or another, is compatible with all religions, or with atheism, or agnosticism.

6. As an aid to 5, consider taking up a physical practice that promotes meditative goals. This might be some kind of yoga, or tai chi. Perhaps a martial art. Such practices promote good spiritual discipline, awareness, attention, clarity, and healthfulness.

7. Give yourself concentrated down time. Awareness and self-actualization are promoted by lack of stress. Take one day per week (usually one of the weekend days is best), and do nothing. Don't bring work home with you, don't think about work. Don't space out in front of the TV. Don't do housework or home maintenance or gardening. Don't run errands. Don't pay bills. Don't go shopping. Don't fight or quarrel with anyone. Instead, meditate. Sleep late. Eat and drink things you enjoy. Take a relaxing bath. Read. Listen to calming music. If you're married or involved, talk to your husband/BF. Play a game. Have sex. If you're single, don't worry about dating. Enjoy being with yourself. Have a glass of wine. Masturbate. Have a friend or two over for lunch or dinner, not to talk business or politics, but just to chat and laugh and relax.


All these things, taken together, promote self-awareness, awareness of the world around you, introspection, self-analysis, self-actualization, deepening of the self, maturity, and healthful happiness.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

indy-p

To me being an adult is more than just being physiologically mature. It's also about having more mature attitudes, values and perceptions.

Someone aged 28, say, could be expected to own his/her own house, pay the rent/mortgage, hold down a job, look after his/her kids. etc. But could a 12 year old? No. The 28 year old has more life experience and greater wisdom, and thus has the means to handle additional responsibilty. IMO, having extra responsibilities requires a more mature perspective.

telekinetic

I became an adult yesterday, when I bought a minivan

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twisted no more

loquitur

I wrote a very long blog post a while ago about the precise moment when I realized I was an adult. Rather than quote it here, I'll link it. I'm interested to hear what other people may think of this.

Cynthetiq

hmmmm Macaulay Culkin had those at an age close to 12... he was far from being or acting like an adult.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

indy-p

OK, so when he was 12 he fathered kids, huh? Which 12 year old American do you know who has done that?

I was just simply saying that being an adult is more of a state of mind, and that in general having more responsibilties in life does change one's outlook, maturity and perspectives.

Plan9

OH SNAP. You're finished. Isn't "Buy A Minivan" a Mortal Kombat fatality?

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

snowy

There have been times in my life where I've said, "Holy CRAP! I'm an ADULT!" but then I am usually reminded somehow that part of me is still learning and growing, and I'm still in the "mistakes must be made to learn" stage of my life. Failure is a distinct option. Does embracing that make me more grown-up? I don't know.

Part of me feels 25 is old, and that a lot of what I want to do with my life has passed me by. But then I look at those older than I am, my clients, parents, and friends, and realize I still have a lot of living left to do, and all of the things I want to happen can happen someday. In that respect, I still feel like a child.

I think of the other people I know who are my age, and I'd like to think we're all facing many of the same questions, the same dilemmas. I went to a potluck a couple of weeks ago where many people my age were present, as well as an older contingent of the host's family members, including his mother. The group addressed this issue of becoming adult as we talked, and a lot of us feel as if we are sort of in this proto-adult stage, regardless of what we've done or where we are in life. The host's mother agreed with this sentiment, and she said even she, in her fifties, feels the same way. We are adults when we have to be, I suppose, and the rest of the time, something else--regardless of our age.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

RenaissanceII

I believe that a part of being an adult is taking ownership of ones actions and feelings, even if those at times are selfish and childish.....

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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin


I Wish You Well.

Nimetic

I reckon I'm an adult - because I view many other people as childish.

So it's simply a relative term yes?