My son and my ex cannot get along and are drama waiting to happen - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

retcop0470 · 04-05-2006, 06:54 PM

Any help. My son, 10, and daughter, 12, are awesome. However, my daughter and my ex get along fantastically. My son and my ex, do not. Constant tears and fighting about toys, taking showers, sleeping on the floor, "mom is a liar" type things. I get a call a week with my son crying, and my ex upset. It has come to the point where I have finally told her, "I know you are having problems and I don't know what to do, but I live 30 miles away, and I cannot referee anymore. Be the 38 year old parent. We have had many a problem prior to this and she has said, "if my hand doesn't work then I will find something that does" "you need to be the parent" "I am moving because you have too much time with the kids" "why can't .....be like....." "why is it he leaves your house and he comes here and he is out of control" I have had enough. I cannot solve all the world's problems. But I am always wrong. I always back her, but cannot handle the constant upheaval. Any comments or help? I need to know some input on how to deal with her. Because right now she thinks she is God's gift, and anything the kids have done WELL AND GOOD, it's her fault......and anything (including anything that may occur BADLY in 20 years) will be something I have done. I am worried about the kids and whether they will love me in the end. Thanks

ngdawg · 04-05-2006, 07:08 PM

Does your son badmouth his mom when he's with you? Does she badmouth you to him? If she does, that has got to stop. The best thing any set or parents can do is be consistent, but backing her unconditionally won't work either. Perhaps it's time to have a one on one with her out of earshot of the kids and find out what's going on face to face.
Kids will play one parent against the other when they're together. Apart, they're probably doing it even more.
Can your son live with you if it's that bad? That would be something else to consider.

maleficent · 04-06-2006, 04:28 AM

First off, how long have you been divorced? and how did junior get along with mom before you were divorced? Basically is this new behavior or old behavior getting worse.

Have you considered family counseling?

retcop0470 · 04-06-2006, 05:18 AM

Hey thanks for replying, I didn't think that would happen. This has really just occured over the last two years when she moved both of them out of our school system where I worked at their school, to another system, and instead of taking them to school everyday, and seeing them everyday, I see them once a week for dinner and everyother weekend except during the Summer when it is one week on/one week off throughout. She has our 12 year old watch him after school, and I think he feels it is two against one. I would meet her before school to take them to school, but they both start at different times, and she will not meet me in the morning half way to do this. Another problem I think is her revolving door boyfriend (since our divorce 10 years ago, she has been engaged twice, one broken off, the other she divorced and about 8 boyfriends since then, always "their" fault.) After their fight last night over a toy she promised him (all I heard over the phone and usually is, I want to come live there, she promised me and she is a liar, and crying uncontrollably.) (Very hard to listen to when you are 30 miles away). I asked her last night if she wanted him to live with me and she told me, "no that is not the answer, he has to learn to live by my rules." Well, told her I could not get him to calm down over the phone. I feel that she has so much upheaval there, and wants all of us to feel the way she is, so she is sharing. Because although we get along, there is usually something that happens, or I'm not doing enough to handle the situation. Well, certainly cannot handle that anymore. Sorry this is so long. However, she is the type of person that expects them to get straight A's and B's, to have their homework done before she gets home from work, and when a project is due it is usually "I think that should be a father-son project." When he gets mad and tries to talk ill of his mother, I tell him not to. I, although I inside cannot stand her, will never say anything bad about her, because I work with children and see the effects of that. This is only the tip of the iceberg.

maleficent · 04-06-2006, 05:25 AM

I'm gonna ask the question again, because it sounds like with all the upheaval in both children's lives, it might be needed... Have you looked into family counselling?

Your daughter, it seems now is being put into a position of responsibilty which she might or might not be ready for. Your son, sounds like he's being a bit rebellious, and thinks the girls are ganging up on him (ask any guy who grew up in an all female household, I think that's a common reaction)

Crying because he didn't get a toy he was promised, sounds like an overreaction for a 10 year old, there's something deeper there, perhaps it wasnt the toy but the fact that he was going to spend some time with mom - and that didn't happen... Dad has already left and doesn't seem him every day.. now mom said he was going to get somethign an didn't coem thru... 10 year olds minds work differently...

(or i could completely not know what i'm talking about...

)

When a kid cries, heck when an adult cries, it's usually over frustration... it's rarely about what they say they are crying about. (unless they stub a toe because that hurts like hell)

retcop0470 · 04-06-2006, 05:27 AM

Sorry, also, regarding family counseling, she takes him to a counselor, but tells me when I ask what is happening, "it's none of your business, it is between ....and I." And when I ask him what is bothering him, he says, "nothing." When I ask her she is mum also. This has been going on for about a year regarding the docs. She is someone that if you agree with her she is a friend, if not you are the enemy, no in between. I keep telling myself 8 more years. And although we will still be his parents, he will be old enough to speak for himself and no more support.

maleficent · 04-06-2006, 05:39 AM

I was the crown princess of "nothing" as an answer when i was a kid, I've since gravitated to high priestess of "nothing".. .I will say nothing... but it'd be a huge lie... the trick is... that would have worked with me... someone asking the right questions... I wish i could tell you what those questions are... (I had an the beginnings of an ulcer at age 11, because i never talked about what was bothering me)

Are there any after school activities he can join, that would get him around other boys, rather than going home and being minded by his sister...

Mom's answer is a bullshit one... he is your son, what goes on with him definitely concerns you.. .perhaps you could make an appointment to see the counsellor with your son (it's be best of mom was there, but just the guys might be helpful too)

retcop0470 · 04-06-2006, 05:48 AM

Thanks for listening, well he wouldn't turn in his homework to start off until recently (hiding it, not turning it in, saying he turned it in etc...that was stressing me out especially when I can check so little) but he has started to turn it in and bring his grades up (although unk. if he will pass to 6th grade now) and has no interest in joining anything after school or any time else, although he has been in baseball one year a little basketball, but is in down time again. He does so much better here, I don't see everything she see's, and I told her I don't know what the answer is, but it is there and it is constant between those two. Well, won't take up anymore of your morning, hope to talk to you soon. Thanks again. Gotta go to school.

maleficent · 04-06-2006, 09:53 AM

Quote:

"no that is not the answer, he has to learn to live by my rules."

does he have a clear understanding of what the rules are?

I'm gonna go for brutally honest here... and say it sounds like you and your ex-wife have to figure out how to parent as a team-- 30 miles apart or not -- the team has to them make a set of rules and expectations for your son and daughter and consequences if they are not followed.

I'm willing to bet that what your son is doing is attention seeking. and it's working-- he's getting attention... Not good attention but to a 10 year old - doesn't matter.

Elphaba · 04-06-2006, 11:48 AM

Ditto what Mal said, and I would specifically recommend a family therapist. They view the family as a system, because it's rare that one individual is the full source of all the problems. It appears that "triangulation" is at work in your case. Mom points to son as problem, points to Dad as causing problem, son points to mom as source of problem. And around we go. Systems therapists usually can get to how each member is contributing to ongoing problem. And there are NO secrets between the parents and child.

My two cents

ngdawg · 04-06-2006, 04:00 PM

First, I see nothing wrong with demanding the homework be done and if he's been that lax at it, it should be checked as well.
Having said that, I know that as the oldest of 4, being put in charge of the others was a huge mistake on my mother's part. I was way too bossy and they were of the thinking, 'You're not mom, I'm not gonna do what you say.'
As for the 'none of your business' retort, you really need to demand what's going on-that's your kid and everything that happens to him is your business.
You might not like this part but....30 miles is at the most, 45 minutes, less than 30 minutes by freeway, if there's one there. This is YOUR kid-I should think he'd be worth the time and effort it might take to get over there and talk immediately instead of waiting for your allotted time. He's in crisis, bordering on depression; grades, crying, fighting....I agree with the attention-getting scenario, but bickering with the ex isn't helping. Someone needs to be the adult, get a spine and fix it.

04-05-2006, 06:54 PM	#1 (permalink)
retcop0470 Upright	My son and my ex cannot get along and are drama waiting to happen Any help. My son, 10, and daughter, 12, are awesome. However, my daughter and my ex get along fantastically. My son and my ex, do not. Constant tears and fighting about toys, taking showers, sleeping on the floor, "mom is a liar" type things. I get a call a week with my son crying, and my ex upset. It has come to the point where I have finally told her, "I know you are having problems and I don't know what to do, but I live 30 miles away, and I cannot referee anymore. Be the 38 year old parent. We have had many a problem prior to this and she has said, "if my hand doesn't work then I will find something that does" "you need to be the parent" "I am moving because you have too much time with the kids" "why can't .....be like....." "why is it he leaves your house and he comes here and he is out of control" I have had enough. I cannot solve all the world's problems. But I am always wrong. I always back her, but cannot handle the constant upheaval. Any comments or help? I need to know some input on how to deal with her. Because right now she thinks she is God's gift, and anything the kids have done WELL AND GOOD, it's her fault......and anything (including anything that may occur BADLY in 20 years) will be something I have done. I am worried about the kids and whether they will love me in the end. Thanks Last edited by retcop0470; 04-05-2006 at 06:59 PM..

04-05-2006, 07:08 PM	#2 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	Does your son badmouth his mom when he's with you? Does she badmouth you to him? If she does, that has got to stop. The best thing any set or parents can do is be consistent, but backing her unconditionally won't work either. Perhaps it's time to have a one on one with her out of earshot of the kids and find out what's going on face to face. Kids will play one parent against the other when they're together. Apart, they're probably doing it even more. Can your son live with you if it's that bad? That would be something else to consider. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

04-06-2006, 04:28 AM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	First off, how long have you been divorced? and how did junior get along with mom before you were divorced? Basically is this new behavior or old behavior getting worse. Have you considered family counseling? __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

04-06-2006, 05:18 AM	#4 (permalink)
retcop0470 Upright	Hey thanks for replying, I didn't think that would happen. This has really just occured over the last two years when she moved both of them out of our school system where I worked at their school, to another system, and instead of taking them to school everyday, and seeing them everyday, I see them once a week for dinner and everyother weekend except during the Summer when it is one week on/one week off throughout. She has our 12 year old watch him after school, and I think he feels it is two against one. I would meet her before school to take them to school, but they both start at different times, and she will not meet me in the morning half way to do this. Another problem I think is her revolving door boyfriend (since our divorce 10 years ago, she has been engaged twice, one broken off, the other she divorced and about 8 boyfriends since then, always "their" fault.) After their fight last night over a toy she promised him (all I heard over the phone and usually is, I want to come live there, she promised me and she is a liar, and crying uncontrollably.) (Very hard to listen to when you are 30 miles away). I asked her last night if she wanted him to live with me and she told me, "no that is not the answer, he has to learn to live by my rules." Well, told her I could not get him to calm down over the phone. I feel that she has so much upheaval there, and wants all of us to feel the way she is, so she is sharing. Because although we get along, there is usually something that happens, or I'm not doing enough to handle the situation. Well, certainly cannot handle that anymore. Sorry this is so long. However, she is the type of person that expects them to get straight A's and B's, to have their homework done before she gets home from work, and when a project is due it is usually "I think that should be a father-son project." When he gets mad and tries to talk ill of his mother, I tell him not to. I, although I inside cannot stand her, will never say anything bad about her, because I work with children and see the effects of that. This is only the tip of the iceberg. Last edited by retcop0470; 04-06-2006 at 05:21 AM..

04-06-2006, 05:25 AM	#5 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I'm gonna ask the question again, because it sounds like with all the upheaval in both children's lives, it might be needed... Have you looked into family counselling? Your daughter, it seems now is being put into a position of responsibilty which she might or might not be ready for. Your son, sounds like he's being a bit rebellious, and thinks the girls are ganging up on him (ask any guy who grew up in an all female household, I think that's a common reaction) Crying because he didn't get a toy he was promised, sounds like an overreaction for a 10 year old, there's something deeper there, perhaps it wasnt the toy but the fact that he was going to spend some time with mom - and that didn't happen... Dad has already left and doesn't seem him every day.. now mom said he was going to get somethign an didn't coem thru... 10 year olds minds work differently... (or i could completely not know what i'm talking about... ) When a kid cries, heck when an adult cries, it's usually over frustration... it's rarely about what they say they are crying about. (unless they stub a toe because that hurts like hell) __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

04-06-2006, 05:27 AM	#6 (permalink)
retcop0470 Upright	Sorry, also, regarding family counseling, she takes him to a counselor, but tells me when I ask what is happening, "it's none of your business, it is between ....and I." And when I ask him what is bothering him, he says, "nothing." When I ask her she is mum also. This has been going on for about a year regarding the docs. She is someone that if you agree with her she is a friend, if not you are the enemy, no in between. I keep telling myself 8 more years. And although we will still be his parents, he will be old enough to speak for himself and no more support.

04-06-2006, 05:39 AM	#7 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I was the crown princess of "nothing" as an answer when i was a kid, I've since gravitated to high priestess of "nothing".. .I will say nothing... but it'd be a huge lie... the trick is... that would have worked with me... someone asking the right questions... I wish i could tell you what those questions are... (I had an the beginnings of an ulcer at age 11, because i never talked about what was bothering me) Are there any after school activities he can join, that would get him around other boys, rather than going home and being minded by his sister... Mom's answer is a bullshit one... he is your son, what goes on with him definitely concerns you.. .perhaps you could make an appointment to see the counsellor with your son (it's be best of mom was there, but just the guys might be helpful too) __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

04-06-2006, 05:48 AM	#8 (permalink)
retcop0470 Upright	Thanks for listening, well he wouldn't turn in his homework to start off until recently (hiding it, not turning it in, saying he turned it in etc...that was stressing me out especially when I can check so little) but he has started to turn it in and bring his grades up (although unk. if he will pass to 6th grade now) and has no interest in joining anything after school or any time else, although he has been in baseball one year a little basketball, but is in down time again. He does so much better here, I don't see everything she see's, and I told her I don't know what the answer is, but it is there and it is constant between those two. Well, won't take up anymore of your morning, hope to talk to you soon. Thanks again. Gotta go to school.

04-06-2006, 11:48 AM	#10 (permalink)
Elphaba Deja Moo Location: Olympic Peninsula, WA	Ditto what Mal said, and I would specifically recommend a family therapist. They view the family as a system, because it's rare that one individual is the full source of all the problems. It appears that "triangulation" is at work in your case. Mom points to son as problem, points to Dad as causing problem, son points to mom as source of problem. And around we go. Systems therapists usually can get to how each member is contributing to ongoing problem. And there are NO secrets between the parents and child. My two cents

04-06-2006, 04:00 PM	#11 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	First, I see nothing wrong with demanding the homework be done and if he's been that lax at it, it should be checked as well. Having said that, I know that as the oldest of 4, being put in charge of the others was a huge mistake on my mother's part. I was way too bossy and they were of the thinking, 'You're not mom, I'm not gonna do what you say.' As for the 'none of your business' retort, you really need to demand what's going on-that's your kid and everything that happens to him is your business. You might not like this part but....30 miles is at the most, 45 minutes, less than 30 minutes by freeway, if there's one there. This is YOUR kid-I should think he'd be worth the time and effort it might take to get over there and talk immediately instead of waiting for your allotted time. He's in crisis, bordering on depression; grades, crying, fighting....I agree with the attention-getting scenario, but bickering with the ex isn't helping. Someone needs to be the adult, get a spine and fix it. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.