NeverBorn

I've been reading and watching alot of Hong Kong flicks lately and I had this crazy idea for a revenge story, sort of like the Crow only probably not as much about the love bullshit. Here is the first paragraph or so. Its still in progress,


It was raining on the day I died, the cold hard rain pooled into steaming puddles on the hard concrete. I remember the smell vividly, that acrid odor like the bite of acid on the tongue, it was a fragrance that would haunt me the rest of my existence. A paused a moment in my thoughts as rolled a single black tipped bullet through my calloused fingers. The chrome cased angel of death gleamed of the dingy yellow lights of the city night. Another oder seemed to creak back into the theater playing out in my mind, that stingy smell of burnt powder. The docs on the scene could hardly believe that there was anything left after the torrent of fire that was laid down. Spent casings were strewn about the scene like ants gathered at a family picnic, their gleaming surfaces lying quietly in victory. The blood had emptied from the various holes in the corpse and had begun to mingle with the rain water, like lost siblings reaching for each other. A sound of movement to my right snapped me back into the present, the sins of the past would have to be addressed but those were for another moment, this moment was already dedicated. My fingers worked the lone bullet back to its bretheren like a surgen delicately cutting his patient. With a satisfying click the round slid back into the chamber ontop, as if screaming “me first”. The barretta sat cold and silent in my grasp, like the brush of a master artist it was mearly awaiting its canvas. The clip entered gently into the handle of the great tool and hence the brush was ready to paint. I took a glance upward into the dying light of the moon as it fought valiently against the opprosive clouds and the harsh buzzing light of the city threatning to drown it out.

cierah

I liked the idea of this and I liked specific parts of the writing like the following...
and But somehow it doesn't seem to flow very well. I also had to reread it like 5x before I realized that the guy was talking about his death in the past tense (that could just be me being an idiot though! lol!) That could be fixed but just saying 'It was raining on the day I died.' and then new sentence or even new paragraph. I guess the flow is impeded by it being all one paragraph. There is some really nice images in there though. I would like to see the rest....

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Hain

Because I am a huge fan of The Crow I am not the best of critics. I like it but I forsee far too many Crow-like or Punisher-like scenes, stripping this of it's originality. Still, I want more.

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ryborg

I thought the descriptions were a bit to flighty for a first paragraph. I would expect that sort of depth from a character that has established himself. Since I don't know the character, his massively descriptive thoughts make him sound like a philosopher...that happened to be murdered in an alley. I think the atmosphere is good, but it seems way too deep. If I was suddenly killed and left my body I don't think I would immediately become so exceptionally insightful. I think you should have him reach the same level of descriptive/insightful depth, but do it more gradually. Perhaps have him describe his initial shock of looking over his body, and then the feelings of confusion/horror he discovers as he uncovers the bullets. When he finally walks away from his body, have him begin to relive the experience, have him really think about it...and then suddenly, like an epiphany, he discovers that his death much be avenged. That sequence would allow you to build up his character for a few paragraphs, which would help make his descriptive/insightful self seem more legitimate because we can now identify with his circumstances.

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NeverBorn

I'm going for a very, The Crow meets hong kong blood opera feel.