ryborg

I thought the descriptions were a bit to flighty for a first paragraph. I would expect that sort of depth from a character that has established himself. Since I don't know the character, his massively descriptive thoughts make him sound like a philosopher...that happened to be murdered in an alley. I think the atmosphere is good, but it seems way too deep. If I was suddenly killed and left my body I don't think I would immediately become so exceptionally insightful. I think you should have him reach the same level of descriptive/insightful depth, but do it more gradually. Perhaps have him describe his initial shock of looking over his body, and then the feelings of confusion/horror he discovers as he uncovers the bullets. When he finally walks away from his body, have him begin to relive the experience, have him really think about it...and then suddenly, like an epiphany, he discovers that his death much be avenged. That sequence would allow you to build up his character for a few paragraphs, which would help make his descriptive/insightful self seem more legitimate because we can now identify with his circumstances.

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