I liked the idea of this and I liked specific parts of the writing like the following...
Quote:
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Originally Posted by NeverBorn
The chrome cased angel of death gleamed of the dingy yellow lights of the city night.
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and
Quote:
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Originally Posted by NeverBorn
Spent casings were strewn about the scene like ants gathered at a family picnic, their gleaming surfaces lying quietly in victory. The blood had emptied from the various holes in the corpse and had begun to mingle with the rain water, like lost siblings reaching for each other.
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But somehow it doesn't seem to flow very well. I also had to reread it like 5x before I realized that the guy was talking about his death in the past tense (that could just be me being an idiot though! lol!) That could be fixed but just saying 'It was raining on the day I died.' and then new sentence or even new paragraph. I guess the flow is impeded by it being all one paragraph. There is some really nice images in there though. I would like to see the rest....