Halx

I rewrote a poem. The original was written on a contact high. It's fairly spontaneous, very passionate and a complete gush of emotion. I was never happy with it to the degree where I couldn't introduce it without mentioning *I was on a contact high* while writing it. So anyways, the new version is a much smoother, more clever interpretation. I seem to like it more. You decide.

Original:

I want to write you a poem
that you will recite as it's created
with every whisp of the quill
you will speak the line
as a breathy gasp
and a tense exhalation
my art's marionette
your body will voice
every verse and every stress
and it will sing
it will enhance my words
with it's symphony
every stroke of the pen
evokes your passionate scream
serenade me with my own work
with vicious pleasure
call for me and let it take you over
let each stanza possess you
the rhythm and the meter
drawing forth your soul's melody
SING FOR ME
until your throat rasps
until you pant in strained waves
and beg me for the encore


New:

If you could feel each line I pen
Every syllable transcribed
With each stroke I take, you'll know
and all my rhymes imbibed
Coaxing little whispers from
your wetted trembling lips
my words take hold your shaking hands
and rest they twixt your hips
My letters form your countersign
to cast off your soul vest
as stanzas will you moan my name
sweat forming on your breast
quaking from my meter quick
you're crying out for me
submitting to my passion's voice
my quill's metonymy

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braisler

Hey, I like them both. I think that they each reflect something of the experience. I imagine them on facing pages of the same book. The first is the experience as it is happening and the author is trying to capture it as it is, right then. The second is after some reflection. Together they may be greater than each separately.

Yeah, reading them again. Keep them both! Definitely. And, nice work there.

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Halx

That's a nifty thought.. thanks

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K-Wise

I'll have to agree with him. It's pretty much verbatum. I like both of them as well.

Asta!!

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thinktank

From the constructive criticism department, and no harm meant:
I liked the first one better. I felt it held a lot more raw emotion, i guess it just felt more genuine to me. The "olde tymey" words in the second one clashed a lot with the rest of the language, which I felt made the point a little muddled.
Good stuff though, I'd like to read more.

ironmaiden7o7

Hi dear,
Like I said earlier, I like the original more, mainly because of it's appeal. It's raw and real. Don't get me wrong, I like them both, but something about the original one that took me along while I read it. Great job!

tecoyah

I will break from the throng.
I enjoyed the second more, as the first seemed more a trip down egos potholed lane.
The second seemed to portray more of a message, and a good one at that.
I still enjoyed the first poem , as it was somewhat insightful concerning the author, as writting when buzzed regularly does. But again, the second version is liquid heat, and I imagine (perhaps incorrectly) that is what you were shooting for.

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