What the hell? I can't help but think this kinda sux... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

K-Wise · 10-20-2004, 04:33 AM

But I am my worst critic. I'm not really happy with this as a whole but I showed it to 2 friends of mine and they loved it so much they wanted me to send them a copy of it. I figured maybe I should give it a shot..how can I learn if I don't right? Feel free to be brutally honest about it. My first effort at writing something that doesn't rhyme and end up turning into rap lyrics. Wanted it to be a little cynical or humorous but also a little insulting as I am insulted by the things women say.....whew..

What is love? Love is a 4 letter word that brings up 119,000,000 webpages on google.com. I just checked. Ya know not a one a those can tell you a damn thing about love right? What do they say?
Men are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken - What exactly makes them good parking spaces? That they're closer to the place you wanna be? Lord forbid you have to walk 10 extra feet....Lord forbid you have to work. Is this how women see men? Is this how they see love? Lord forbid you have to work for love....just wanna get it over with huh? Whats the rest of the joke? And the ones that aren’t are handicaped....Haha! Yeah last time I checked I wasn’t handicaped. Thats right I’m single. And all these so called good men that are taken; would any of these happen to be the men our girlie-friends always complain to us about?
“He just uses me.”
“He's an asshole but I love him!”
“I wish he would change!”
“I wish I had a boyfriend like you.”
But all the good men are taken...or they’re gay! Yeah thats right now I’m gay too!
Me? A good man? How could I be? There are no good men in the world. I don’t exist...at least not to a woman. See they don’t really want a good man...No they want their man to be good. Meanwhile a shoulder to cry on comes in real handy.
“Nice guys finish last.”
“Nice guys are boring.”
Yes theres nothing more boring than someone who actually appreciates you and treats you like a person. But you would rather try to make love work with a man who loves himself too much to love you any more. A man in love with a convenience...not a person.
I once thought things were looking up. I saw a girl with a beautiful soul that was screaming for a good man. Screaming to be loved. I nervously approached her and, with the courage of a man with nothing to lose I uttered, “Hi. My name is Cris..And I am a good man!” She smiled with a smile as sincere as any smile I’d ever seen before, and then she slapped me in the face. I guess I should have asked her what was wrong instead.

Dunno if this qualifies as poetry though...almost borders on being a rant. I'm happy with bits and pieces of it...maybe the opinions of others can make me happy with it on more pieces or even as a whole. Shit...

Asta!!

sparkly · 10-20-2004, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by K-Wise

What is love?

I'm personally not a big fan of verse starting with a simple question - simply because it's been done SO many times. I think that it sounds great starting right off the bat with "Love is a 4 letter word that.....". (perhaps spell out four?).

Quote:

Originally Posted by K-Wise

Dunno if this qualifies as poetry though...almost borders on being a rant.

Ranty free verse perhaps?

I like it... Though I can't tell if you're quoting stereotypical things women say or stuff you found in your google search for love? If none of those are linked to the google thing, I would either 86 the google line OR incorporate some of the search results from google that fit in with your "theme" here.

Not much of a critique but I hope this helps some.

amonkie · 10-21-2004, 10:48 AM

The Lit thread isn't just poetry, it's anything coming from your mind that you've written down. While I don't neccessarily agree that ALL girls are the type described, your writing gives us a sense of your frustration with the girls you have dealt with. And there is poetry in your writing, especially in the "sincere as any smile, then she slapped me in the face" line. Thanks for giving me something to think about today!

K-Wise · 10-21-2004, 02:47 PM

Hmm what exactly did I make ya think about? I don't think ALL girls are that way either. But by sayin that ALL of them are like that you find out just how many aren't. That gives me something to look foward to heh. To be honest I might be able to throw out at least the first 3 lines. They almost mean nothing to me. I hate when I have to write filler.

Asta!!

CityOfAngels · 10-21-2004, 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by K-Wise

What is love?

Dun dun dun dun da dun dun dun dun da dun dun dun dun da dun dun dun Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me...no mo'. *Continuously bobs head to the left*

Sorry. Just had to do that.

K-Wise · 10-21-2004, 07:28 PM

That is now the best part of this post.

Asta!!

SiNai · 10-21-2004, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by K-Wise

She smiled with a smile as sincere as any smile I’d ever seen before, and then she slapped me in the face.

Dude, I cry for you.

amonkie · 10-21-2004, 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by K-Wise

Hmm what exactly did I make ya think about? I don't think ALL girls are that way either. But by sayin that ALL of them are like that you find out just how many aren't. That gives me something to look foward to heh. To be honest I might be able to throw out at least the first 3 lines. They almost mean nothing to me. I hate when I have to write filler.

Asta!!

The section you wrote about people wanting the easy way into Love.... the phrase "falling in love" seems to suggest that as well. It can help pull people into the mindtrap when they don't see love as an ongoing action and choice.

K-Wise · 10-22-2004, 01:59 AM

Well bravo! That kicks ass that you get it. Well ughh good luck with your love interest(s) then.

Asta!!

10-20-2004, 04:33 AM	#1 (permalink)
K-Wise It's All About The Ass!! Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!	What the hell? I can't help but think this kinda sux... But I am my worst critic. I'm not really happy with this as a whole but I showed it to 2 friends of mine and they loved it so much they wanted me to send them a copy of it. I figured maybe I should give it a shot..how can I learn if I don't right? Feel free to be brutally honest about it. My first effort at writing something that doesn't rhyme and end up turning into rap lyrics. Wanted it to be a little cynical or humorous but also a little insulting as I am insulted by the things women say.....whew.. What is love? Love is a 4 letter word that brings up 119,000,000 webpages on google.com. I just checked. Ya know not a one a those can tell you a damn thing about love right? What do they say? <i>Men are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken</i> - What exactly makes them good parking spaces? That they're closer to the place you wanna be? Lord forbid you have to walk 10 extra feet....Lord forbid you have to work. Is this how women see men? Is this how they see love? Lord forbid you have to work for love....just wanna get it over with huh? Whats the rest of the joke? <i>And the ones that aren’t are handicaped</i>....Haha! Yeah last time I checked I wasn’t handicaped. Thats right I’m single. And all these so called good men that are taken; would any of these happen to be the men our girlie-friends always complain to us about? “He just uses me.” “He's an asshole but I love him!” “I wish he would change!” “I wish I had a boyfriend like you.” But all the good men are taken...or they’re gay! Yeah thats right now I’m gay too! Me? A good man? How could I be? There are no good men in the world. I don’t exist...at least not to a woman. See they don’t <b>really</b> want a good man...No they want their man to be good. Meanwhile a shoulder to cry on comes in real handy. “Nice guys finish last.” “Nice guys are boring.” Yes theres nothing more boring than someone who actually appreciates you and treats you like a person. But you would rather try to make love work with a man who loves himself too much to love you any more. A man in love with a convenience...not a person. I once thought things were looking up. I saw a girl with a beautiful soul that was screaming for a good man. Screaming to be loved. I nervously approached her and, with the courage of a man with nothing to lose I uttered, “Hi. My name is Cris..And <font size=3><b>I</b></font> am a good man!” She smiled with a smile as sincere as any smile I’d ever seen before, and then she slapped me in the face. I guess I should have asked her what was wrong instead. Dunno if this qualifies as poetry though...almost borders on being a rant. I'm happy with bits and pieces of it...maybe the opinions of others can make me happy with it on more pieces or even as a whole. Shit... Asta!! __________________ "I love music and it's my parents fault (closing statement)." - Me..quoting myself...from when I said that...On TFP..thats here...Tilted Forum Project *It ain't goodbye, it's see ya later! I'll miss you guys!* - Asta!!

10-21-2004, 10:48 AM	#3 (permalink)
amonkie Drifting Administrator Location: Windy City	The Lit thread isn't just poetry, it's anything coming from your mind that you've written down. While I don't neccessarily agree that ALL girls are the type described, your writing gives us a sense of your frustration with the girls you have dealt with. And there is poetry in your writing, especially in the "sincere as any smile, then she slapped me in the face" line. Thanks for giving me something to think about today! __________________ Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

10-21-2004, 02:47 PM	#4 (permalink)
K-Wise It's All About The Ass!! Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!	Hmm what exactly did I make ya think about? I don't think ALL girls are that way either. But by sayin that ALL of them are like that you find out just how many aren't. That gives me something to look foward to heh. To be honest I might be able to throw out at least the first 3 lines. They almost mean nothing to me. I hate when I have to write filler. Asta!! __________________ "I love music and it's my parents fault (closing statement)." - Me..quoting myself...from when I said that...On TFP..thats here...Tilted Forum Project *It ain't goodbye, it's see ya later! I'll miss you guys!* - Asta!!

10-21-2004, 07:28 PM	#6 (permalink)
K-Wise It's All About The Ass!! Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!	That is now the best part of this post. Asta!! __________________ "I love music and it's my parents fault (closing statement)." - Me..quoting myself...from when I said that...On TFP..thats here...Tilted Forum Project *It ain't goodbye, it's see ya later! I'll miss you guys!* - Asta!!

10-22-2004, 01:59 AM	#9 (permalink)
K-Wise It's All About The Ass!! Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!	Well bravo! That kicks ass that you get it. Well ughh good luck with your love interest(s) then. Asta!! __________________ "I love music and it's my parents fault (closing statement)." - Me..quoting myself...from when I said that...On TFP..thats here...Tilted Forum Project *It ain't goodbye, it's see ya later! I'll miss you guys!* - Asta!!