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06-26-2003, 07:44 AM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Follower of Ner'Zhul
Location: Netherlands
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2 poems of mine...
Out of my more troubled teenage years. Honestly, let me know what you think about it, I hunger for feedback.
 'The splendour of a star' I see your light You seem so small In such a small place One million miles away Yet every night you show yourself On the other side of day What a lonely life you live Alone in that vacant place You seem so much like me Alone in outer space 'Burning inside' Could I but describe what I feel It would be poetry It would shine so bright Like the light of a thousand suns Cast upon the moon that is me Blinded by this energy I do all but shine I take it all in and make it mine Inside it is ready to burst But not ready enough My hands are numb The light feels heavy in its sum It weighs on my heart Knows no rest But torments me instead Until I cease to supress That feeling inside me Copyright © Boy Baukema, 2000 - 2003 
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The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. - Nathaniel Borenstein |
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06-26-2003, 04:32 PM
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#2 (permalink) |
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Naughty Just Right
Location: Euphoria
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"Yet every night you show yourself on the other side of day"
What a great line! Well thought out and I like it. I like both samples of your work. I just happened to be pulled by that line with quite a strong tug. Thank you for sharing. I hope you have more for us to sample. 
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 In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer. ~Albert Camus |
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06-28-2003, 04:03 PM
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#5 (permalink) |
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Upright
Location: Massachusetts
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Critiquing amateur poetry is a treacherous thing to do.The poet always asks for your honest opinion.It's sort of like a mother with her new baby asking if she's cute.You feel you must lie to spare any hurt feelings.After all mothers and poets are emotional people.When people ask me to read something they wrote I always tell them in advance that I will be honest.Even if that means I think it really sucks.However this young man does not suck at all.He is quite good.The poems read well.They flow easily and gracefully.The people who know about these things call that meter.It is usually the most difficult part of writing good poetry.These poems can be read aloud without sounding forced,the hallmark of good poetry.I think this poet has a good grasp of sound and phrase.Now for the 'but'.The poems lack the power to make them great.The words are too ordinary,even trite.I don't mean to go out and find every obscure word and plug it into the poem.That doesn't work either.But rather a poem is a distillation of ideas into words.And distillation is taking something and reducing it into something more potent and dense.That's what I mean by having power.Some examples:Ready to burst;this is a very tired phrase,it is without the power to excite.Another example:The light feels heavy:this is just too cute perhaps unintentional.Using opposite values is confusing.Now here is where I put the knife all the way in.The stanza that reads:
It weighs on my heart Knows no rest But torments me inside Until I cease to supress It reads great,smooth as butter.But is it memorable?Does it have power.OK here is where I go out on a limb and try my hand at it.I just want to display what other words can do. It thickens my heart A forlorn pulse. This rage within Rattles the gates of reason It needs work,but that's the nature of the beast.You have talent my friend and I encourge you to follow your heart.No matter what anyone says,including me.
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Every time I understand the equation the parameters are changed. |
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06-29-2003, 02:15 PM
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#6 (permalink) |
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Follower of Ner'Zhul
Location: Netherlands
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Thank you fleep... like I said, I love feedback... which is neither criticism or praise and always constructive...
And now for a response... Thank you for saying I have talent, I suspect it seeing as I already have 3 poems that are published, but I know I'm still a long way from professional or even great work. I know that I somewhat lack linguistic skill at the moment and the subject of the poem is rather light, but as I said, they were teenage poems, written by (at the time) a 17 year old Dutch boy. I'm even goanna have to look up forlorn... lol. I still have a lot to learn, of life and of language so I'm not really expecting anything from what I write except experiance. Once more, thanks...
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The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. - Nathaniel Borenstein |
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06-30-2003, 04:30 AM
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#7 (permalink) |
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Upright
Location: Massachusetts
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Hi RelaX,I'm glad that you took my comments so well.Some people can get very upset.Actually I would not have responded at all unless I was interested in the poems.You have style and I felt compelled to encourage you to write more.I wasn't aware that you are Dutch and that you are writing in a foreign language.Like my quote at the bottom of my message page says,"That changes the parameters."My ancestry is Flemish,but I don't speak a word of it,except for a few swear words.I would be hard pressed to write a poem in a language other than English.
Carry on my friend,you have my respect and my admiration.
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Every time I understand the equation the parameters are changed. |
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