RelaX

Out of my more troubled teenage years. Honestly, let me know what you think about it, I hunger for feedback.



'The splendour of a star'

I see your light
You seem so small
In such a small place

One million miles away
Yet every night you show yourself
On the other side of day

What a lonely life you live
Alone in that vacant place
You seem so much like me

Alone in outer space



'Burning inside'

Could I but describe what I feel
It would be poetry
It would shine so bright
Like the light of a thousand suns

Cast upon the moon that is me
Blinded by this energy
I do all but shine
I take it all in and make it mine

Inside it is ready to burst
But not ready enough
My hands are numb
The light feels heavy in its sum

It weighs on my heart
Knows no rest
But torments me instead
Until I cease to supress

That feeling inside me

Copyright © Boy Baukema, 2000 - 2003

__________________
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
- Nathaniel Borenstein

Angel

"Yet every night you show yourself on the other side of day"
What a great line! Well thought out and I like it.

I like both samples of your work. I just happened to be pulled by that line with quite a strong tug.

Thank you for sharing. I hope you have more for us to sample.

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In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer.
~Albert Camus

MacGnG

J.R.V.A.

I like them. They are really good . Honestly

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And as she plays,
her sweet song of laughter
floats through the air
and warms my heart

fleep

Critiquing amateur poetry is a treacherous thing to do.The poet always asks for your honest opinion.It's sort of like a mother with her new baby asking if she's cute.You feel you must lie to spare any hurt feelings.After all mothers and poets are emotional people.When people ask me to read something they wrote I always tell them in advance that I will be honest.Even if that means I think it really sucks.However this young man does not suck at all.He is quite good.The poems read well.They flow easily and gracefully.The people who know about these things call that meter.It is usually the most difficult part of writing good poetry.These poems can be read aloud without sounding forced,the hallmark of good poetry.I think this poet has a good grasp of sound and phrase.Now for the 'but'.The poems lack the power to make them great.The words are too ordinary,even trite.I don't mean to go out and find every obscure word and plug it into the poem.That doesn't work either.But rather a poem is a distillation of ideas into words.And distillation is taking something and reducing it into something more potent and dense.That's what I mean by having power.Some examples:Ready to burst;this is a very tired phrase,it is without the power to excite.Another example:The light feels heavy:this is just too cute perhaps unintentional.Using opposite values is confusing.Now here is where I put the knife all the way in.The stanza that reads:
It weighs on my heart
Knows no rest
But torments me inside
Until I cease to supress
It reads great,smooth as butter.But is it memorable?Does it have power.OK here is where I go out on a limb and try my hand at it.I just want to display what other words can do.
It thickens my heart
A forlorn pulse.
This rage within
Rattles the gates of reason
It needs work,but that's the nature of the beast.You have talent my friend and I encourge you to follow your heart.No matter what anyone says,including me.

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Every time I understand the equation the parameters are changed.

RelaX

Thank you fleep... like I said, I love feedback... which is neither criticism or praise and always constructive...
And now for a response...

Thank you for saying I have talent, I suspect it seeing as I already have 3 poems that are published, but I know I'm still a long way from professional or even great work.

I know that I somewhat lack linguistic skill at the moment and the subject of the poem is rather light, but as I said, they were teenage poems, written by (at the time) a 17 year old Dutch boy.
I'm even goanna have to look up forlorn... lol.
I still have a lot to learn, of life and of language so I'm not really expecting anything from what I write except experiance.

Once more, thanks...

__________________
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
- Nathaniel Borenstein

fleep

Hi RelaX,I'm glad that you took my comments so well.Some people can get very upset.Actually I would not have responded at all unless I was interested in the poems.You have style and I felt compelled to encourage you to write more.I wasn't aware that you are Dutch and that you are writing in a foreign language.Like my quote at the bottom of my message page says,"That changes the parameters."My ancestry is Flemish,but I don't speak a word of it,except for a few swear words.I would be hard pressed to write a poem in a language other than English.
Carry on my friend,you have my respect and my admiration.

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Every time I understand the equation the parameters are changed.