ara3n

Hello
This is my first post. I've been visiting TFP for about 4 years, and have read a lot of interesting topics here, but never replied. So here is something I've noticed during interacting with waitress or waiter when I'm with another person dinning. Well they never look at me, always at the other person that is with me, and other people are my friends, my coworkers, or clients. I've talked to one coworker about this, and she suggested that I should grin and have a happy face, to be more approachable. When the waitresses ask a question to both of us, e.g. are you ready to order? Or how are you today? Or how about desert, or any other kind of questions, the waitress looks at me for a second and looks at the other person and waits for him or her to answer. I feel like they think I am an indecisive person, and can’t answer for both. So I would like to know how I can change that, and you might think I'm crazy or something, but this has bugged me for a while. I’m an introvert so I am not asking for attention. I'm trying to figure out what people think when they see me. Do they get scared, is it my race? I'm from Afghanistan btw. Is it my eight? 6"2'. I’ve been long enough in US to know how to behave in a restaurant, and have dinned in hundreds but as I mentioned above, when I’m with somebody else, the waitress looks at the other person almost every time to make a decision. I don’t think it’s just the area I live in, because when I travel for work, I see the same results, and I’ve been to many places on east cost, and even central US. If they are asking a question, should I be looking somewhere? Any advice

Mantus

Some tip,

- Don't hunch over the table. Sitting up or leaning back in your chair is a sign of confidence.
- Turn your entire head to face the waiter.
- Make and hold eye contact.
- Glancing at your guest at this moment means they are the decision maker.
- You don't have to grin like a fool but a quick smile never hurts.
- If you haven't made a decision, pick up the menu instead of slouching over it on the table.
- Look at your guest after you've made your choice.

Remember, there is no such thing as not-communicating. Even when you are just sitting there your body is screaming with signals to other people.

ara3n

I guess this could be it. I'll try not to look at anybody else, just the waiter.

KirStang

I've worked as sort of a waiter. But basically, do what Mantus said.
-Address the waiter/waitress directly.
-Eye contact
-Confident body position. Don't look down, don't hunch, etc. etc. =)

xepherys

/agree

Mantus is more or less right on the money, so to speak.

Impetuous1

Don't forget, once you decide to speak to also have a clear, confident voice. A voice that says, "I am in charge. Bow before me!" Or maybe that's a little too much.

Seaver

It's not that they dont see you, they do. However if you are new to societies the VERY minor things are the killers.

Mantus hits a bunch of them. How you sit tells a lot about a person (right or wrong).

Hunched over can mean:
- Upset, not happy with the world, leave me alone
- Low self-esteem
- Indecisive
- Introverted, doesnt like much interaction with others

Sitting upright means the exact opposite generally. There's a big connotation of closing oneself off to the world when (especially in a restaurant) you're hunched over looking into your menu. As an ex-waitor I can attest it's easy to pick up on that as a waitstaff, and they generally learn that those hunched like that want as little interaction as possible. It goes past the general consideration because how others like their service directly affects their income. If you look them in the eye and give a small smile they will almost always reciprocate (some might not depending on their mood).

Rodney

All of the above. When an outsider approaches a group on some sort of business mission -- a salesman, a waitress, etc. -- they'll most closely interact with the person who most appears to be ready for interaction.

Basically, when the waitress asks, "Are you ready to order," you don't look as ready as the guy next to you.

Bill O'Rights

I'm guessing that right there is the core of the problem. Your body language, or the way that you "present" yourself is every bit as important, if not more so, than what you verbally communicate.
I see some very good advice above. But remember, the most important thing, in any situation, not just in restaurants, is eye contact. Eye contact is key.
Oh...and welcome to the fray.

__________________
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

Pip

Good advice all around. Another thing you can try asides from eye contact, is turning your body towards the waiter, not just the face, to show that you are ready for some full-frontal communication here!

Vincentt

Some of it could be race.

Here in Japan I often struggle to talk to the staff.
While my japanese language is fine, they always want to look to the asian person in the party.

Quite funny when I am out with Asian-americans who don't speak any Japanese.

Body language is important, but sometimes people just assume you can't speak english.

__________________
.

abaya

Welcome to posting on TFP!

Mantus has got it right... everything communicates something about you, especially your posture and eye contact (or lack of). People might not look at you and consciously think "he's an introvert," but because of the society they are raised in, they will look at you and internalize the fact that you are not assertive, and treat you accordingly. In a way, they are giving you what you want.. that is, to remain an introvert (as far as they can tell).

So, if you want them to NOT treat you as an introvert, you have to convince them with visual signals that you aren't one. I have to emphasize the "giving a little smile" bit from Mantus (along with posture, which is huge).. this is particularly relevant in America, since we're big on smiles here. Not the best quality, since it makes us look pretty fake in public, but it's part of the culture. Smiling shows confidence in this country.

Do some experiments and let us know how it goes!

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran