Jim Kata

Here is the situation.

A friend and I (we will call him "Steve") are going on a snowboarding trip this February. We are both flying out to Colorado and Utah to meet up with a good friend of ours (we will call "Jeff") that lives there. From there, we are probably going to stay at "Jeff's" friend's place since he lives on one of the mountains we will be boarding at.
I briefly mentioned this trip to a good friend of mine (that we will call "Allen"), and "Allen" said, "MAN!! Thats awesome I would love to go to Colorado, I've never been there. Keep me updated on when you are going."

I immediately said, "well we are gonna have a full car so I don't know if there is any room."

And Allen replied with, "Oh, well I guess I can rent my own car then"

So my dilemma is this.

1. I do not want to ask some guy I don't even know (Jeff's friend) if another person can crash there for 3 or 4 days, and don't want to have to ask Jeff to ask his friend that.
Jeff and Steve know Allen, but they aren't that close to him.

2. If Allen does end up coming, I'm sure he will want someone to ride in the car with him and me, steve, and jeff have planned this trip for months together since we all haven't been together for more than a few hours since we graduated high school (10 years ago). So I will want to stay with Steve and Jeff the whole time since they are my snowboarding buddies.

Any suggestions on how to get Allen to not come without being blunt about it? I feel uncomfortable saying "If you go out there, you are on your own for lodging and transportation." but feel that may be the only way to say it. He is the kind of guy that will be like "Why can't I stay with you guys at Jeff's friends house?" or "thats fucked up? i'm just one more person."

Another question is this....how do people do this kind of stuff? I rarely invite myself along anywhere. If I do and someone throws a bump in the road, I take it as a sign as a "we were kind of hoping to do this on our own" kind of thing and move on.

I hate bringing someone to someone elses house in the same town let alone a vacation. It makes no sense to me.

Thoughts?

maleficent

I would never invite myself along anywhere, but I've had other people show up unexpected... and honestly -- I really haven't cared.. if it's a friend of a friend.. the more the merrier.. i

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pig

Jim, my suggestions are as follows:

1. If you haven't, discuss your predicament with Steve and Jeff. Not to try to clear Allen coming, but so they know what's going on, and if they do happen to talk to Allen, or if he does happen to call one of them, they know the situation.

Depending on the situation

2.a. Never mention it again in Allen's presence, go out to Colorado, board your ass off, and carry on with life. When Allen says something like "Shit bra, I wanted to go to that. I wish I'd known more about it..." then simply say something like "yeah, i hear you. that's what i'm talking about, word up and shit" and leave the room.

2.b. bite the bullet and tell Allen that it's a highschool reunion, and y'all will do it some other time, it's already planned, etc. this could come back to bite you in the ass if Allen excludes from something in the future, but you're saying your o.k. with that.

I would tend towards b. you can be honest with someone without being rude. and just make a different plan with Allen some time in the future, if he's not that good a friend, then don't worry about it.

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ratbastid

There's always, I dunno, the truth.

"Look, Allen, any other time you'd be more than welcome, but this trip is really for a bunch of my old high-school friends getting together for the first time in ten years. I really just want to spend some time with them. So, let's plan to go snowboarding together some other time soon, ok?"

Zeraph

Indeed, if he is a good friend the truth really shouldn't be a problem. If it is, well he's probably not a good friend and you don't have to worry about hurting a good friend. That said, you could always lie and say that the trip was canceled and you decided to go visit family instead (assuming you have some far away or out of state family) since you already had taken that time off/planned to do something then.

Astrocloud

Tell him he's allowed to come but he needs to bring his own condoms and he has to be "the bottom".

Jk. But seriously what ratbastid said.

Jim Kata

That was great

I guess I'm just gonna go with the truth after speaking to Steve and Jeff.
I'll just let Allen know what days we are going to be there, but I probably can't help him with lodging or transportation.
I feel sort of dickish about it, but I am going as a guest and not a host so I feel that I am asking for too much for myself (transporation and lodging) as it is.

Thanks for the advice, and as always...more is always appreciated.

Sultana

I dunno, that seems misleading to me. If he's not welcome, then you should let him know that, instead of him paying $ to go and then feeling left out of things.

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JustJess

^^ Yep. Just tell him what Ratbastid said - best bet all around.

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SirLance

1. You have nothing to feel dickish about. This individual invited himself and that was extremely rude. The best response is "Sorry, man. If I were putting this together, no problem, but I'm an invited guest. It isn't up to me to invite you, and the guy who's doing the inviting doesn't know you. We'll do a trip some other time."

2. Never feel bad about accepting hospitality that is freely offered.

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Jim Kata

I like that.

And its not like I would ignore him if he came....of course we would hang out with him, I just don't think he could crash at the dude's house that we may staying at because space is limited and I don't even know the guy who was nice enough to let his friend bring two other friends along.

Rodney

Allen is probably a decent-enough guy; he just hasn't grown up to the idea yet that if a friend of his is doing something he wants to do, he can't automatically go along, too. Family life doesn't teach this; people are always included. And he's probably an extroverted and somewhat assertive individual who likes to assume that he's always welcome and, with the force of his expectation and assumption, actually gets included by people like you who don't want to make a fuss. It works for him to do this. He probably has a great future in sales.

Anyway, the only way to tell him no is to tell him no. Tell him what the trip is, why you'd feel uncomfortable about inviting him, and all the business you'd have to go through with other people to make it good, and how awkward it'd be. He's coming on like, "c'mon, invite me, it's no trouble, right?" But it is trouble.

You might have some hard feelings with him. But he'll get over them, maybe learn from them. And even if not, the next time you have something he want, he'll be around...

Jim Kata

"Allen", is that you?

Rodney

Nope. But there are plenty of Allens in this world, believe me; I've met 'em. They don't have a problem for asking for _anything_ they want, no matter how inappropriate. And because other people are both a) taken by surprise by the request and b) conditioned to be polite, Allens often get what they want.

Toaster126

T-r-u-t-h is the right call 99% of the time. This is one of them. Tell him what you told us.

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Sage

Yeah, I'd say tell the truth. It rarely if ever gets you into trouble (unless you got yourself into trouble in the first place).

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Sweetpea

Well, i have to weigh in and say i think this is the best route... However if you just plain don't want him there...

you could always take the route that this is a bonding type trip and you've had it planned for a length of time and tell him that honestly, he's probably not going to feel very welcomed. make it clear to him that you're not in charge of the trip and you feel uncomfortable saying yea or nay to him since you're going as a guest.
If he wants to have the balls to call up a person he doesn't know and invite himself, then let him, but don't help him kinda leech off you guys, it's Your trip.

As to why he has chosen to invite himself along, I think some people just don't have the same social boundaries others do... it's an interesting thing.

Don't feel like you're being a dick, because you're not at all... in fact, i think you've been very polite, had it been me, i would have just said he was kinda butting in on our plans and that he wasn't welcome. So i don't think you need to feel bad at all, you've been very kind about it.


sweetpea

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feelgood

Trust me, we all got those kind of friend who is like "Allen"

One of my friend often has a problem trying to deal with him inviting himself along all the time whenever she mentions her plans to him. So, what she did? Told him to fuck off.

That's what you should do, tell him the truth and tell him to fuck off. People to invite themselves are fucking annoying and by telling to screw off, you're practically helping him out. How? Its simple, he'll know enough not to invite himself again unless invited by you or others. Unfortunately, out "Allen" still hasn't gotten the brains to figure that part out.

Cynthetiq

I'd even go as far as to say to tell him what JustJess said... just to be different

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ratbastid

Although you might want to go with what Cynthetiq said...

My, how circular!

taboo

couldn't help to say that this reminded me of an incident with this friend of mine. I asked him if he was interested to go see a play, he said yes, I went and picked up the tickets (since I knew where to go ect, and $30 a ticket), and the night we meet up, I'm expecting him to pay me his ticket, and he tells me "thanks so much for inviting me, you're so sweet"--SO SWEET?? he said this right in the beginning of the night...

Sweetpea

Indeed, it's just proving once again that your sig. is so right

sweetpea

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tooth

That is exactly what you need to tell Allen. You are not in a postition to allow him to tag along.