aberkok

I was just talking to my wife on the phone and she was complaining about our friends and how they are never on time for anything. If they say they're going to call at a certain time, say "when they're done eating dinner," it's always more than an hour late. Whenever we make plans to meet somewhere, they can be relied upon to be at least twenty minutes. Put simply, our friends are never on time for anything. This isn't just one or two of them, but it seems that pretty much all the friends in our tight circle (I'd say about a dozen) are always wasting our time by making us wait.

One strategy I've started to use in meeting situations, is to automaticall add 20 mins. to their quoted time, so for example, if they say "I'll meet you there at 2p.m.," I try to make sure I'm not at the meeting place until 2:20p.m. Sometimes this backfires, though, as they show up late even for that time and I see red. It also can't apply to, say, a movie date.

My questions are:

-Do I have to put up with this for the rest of my life? (There is no question that these are the friends I want to have, it's just that we must waste several days a year just waiting around)

-What clever strategies do you all have for dealing with this sort of stuff?

-I don't want to spoil a fun meeting by reprimanding them once they arrive. Should I be bringing it up first thing when they get there?

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jizzmasterp

I have the same issues. I still haven't found a way to deal with it except for estimating a late time. Having a discussion with them wouldn't change anything and would just make me look like the bad guy.

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777

One thing you can try is picking them up. Find out where they'll be, like if your buddies are getting off work, are relaxing at home, etc, and head off from there. That way, they'll have no excuse for being late (since your with them), and you can all arrive on time to your movie, play, dinner reservations, concert, etc.

Let us know how it goes

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amonkie

If I'm the one that has the access for something - ie movie passes or tickets, I will give a time I will wait until, and if I don't see them and they haven't called to let me know whats going on, tough luck. I'm not going to waste my time because you're late - I've done that too many times, and hate it. This type of situation is especially frustrating for me because I'm usually 5 -10 minutes early if I can help it, so its even longer to wait.

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qz103

I like the "going and picking them up" idea (but I don't have a car right now).

I also make an internal, more-accurate meeting time with certain people (like friends who are usually half an hour late). Then I'll meet up with them at that time. I try best to convince myself that that *is* the meeting time so I don't get annoyed with them when they're late / "on time". I find that most people are consistently late by some amount of time. My college roommate used to leave our apartment at the time that class started. Always.

I did have a friend who randomly ditched us without telling us (until at least an hour after the fact). I stopped being friends with her. Sometimes you just have to cut them off. I put this choice down under self respect.

shesus

Punctuality, rather lack of it, is something that used to really irritate me. JJ and I used to have to meet to pick up/drop off the child for the weekend. She was always at least 30 minutes late...one time she was almost 2 hours late. We basically would set a time and then show up about 30 minutes after that so the wait wouldn't be that long. Then I started wondering why it bothered me so much. It was because it was wasting my time. So...
I always ask people to meet us somewhere close to a bar or coffee shop. That way we can at least get something to drink or eat while we wait. I find that it is more enjoyable this way and doesn't seem like such a long wait. I also do not have to stress over being on time because in Chicago everyone is late due to the reliance of public transportation. So I find that I'm more relaxed knowing that I can be a little late and it won't matter much.

However, if it is really bothering you, you should have a conversation with them telling them that it upsets you that they are chronically late. Maybe they can help you with a solution or at least they will know that their tardiness is bothering you and may try to get there in a more timely fashion. Fashionably late is good, but overly late can be a pain in the...

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StanT

Depending on the situation, I'll wait 15 minutes and start without them. If it's dinner, I'll order. Movie, I'll go in and sit down. Sharing a ride, I guess they're driving, too.

I won't play the "compensate for their lateness" game. My time is important, too.

The exception would be my wife, if anyone has suggestions for getting her out the door on time without pissing her off, I'm all ears.

noodle

I used to tell one of my compulsively late friends that the movie started 30 minutes before it actually did. She caught on after about 7 films. She always wanted me to wait outside for her... So I, too, ended up telling her that I was going in at this time and she could come in on her own if she really wanted to hang out. If not, I still caught the show. I finally lit in to her about it once after she left me waiting at a Starbucks for two hours while she "got ready" and she called me indignantly asking where I was. I told her if her mirror was more important, then she could have her coffee alone.

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Siege

I always show up late when I go out with certain friends. Simply because I know they will be later than me.

I have no problem simply leaving or doing something by myself if people waste my time. Especially if said person is asking you for a favor. I've had people ask me to give them lifts to places and show up really late.

My take is that if I show up at the actual time we want to meet, you have half an hour to get there before I leave. If I get there 20 minutes later then when we are to meet, you have 10.

Or you could simply show up even later than your friends. It'll show them how annoying it is for people show up late.

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Pragma

One of my good friends is always very late - and it bugs the hell out of me. Whether it's leaving for class, going to watch a sports game, going to play in a sports game where we have to be there on time or else we forfeit, etc.

As a result, I've just started writing him off as "Well, even if __ doesn't show, we've still got enough people" - and if he does, that's good for him. It's very frustrating, because he is a good friend, and I do like hanging out with him, but nothing I've tried over the past 3 years can get him to change to be on time.

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Schwan

I had this with some people - they where never there on time. These days, instead of waiting, I just leave. I think it's just downright insulting to me and I won't stand for it.

hunnychile

It's a control game and people who are habitually late are passive agressive and acting out.

I know a relative who always plays that game and I had to say that it's not fair because my time is just as valuable as hers. And yes, I go into the movie after giving her and/or other late friends that 15 minute buffer.

Brutal honesty is often the best cure for this type of behavior.

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jorgelito

The thing is: Do these people even know they are late? And what the "f" are they thinking if they don't care that they are wasting everyone's time? What kind of friend is that?

Corneo

If I have to be somewhere at a certain time with a person that constantly late, I will usually lie to them and say I need to be there 30 mins early. I had a roommate who would pull that kind of crap with us one time. To teach him a lesson, we just left without him at one point.

jorgelito

Did it work?

snowy

I wish that actually worked...

One of my good guy friends is an inveterate procrastinator. Even when I go to pick him up for things, chances are he's still in his underwear. I've just come to accept it's an inherent part of who he is--though usually with my prodding he gets ready to go fast.

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Rodney

Maybe it's generational. I'm not always on time, but I feel guilty if I'm going to be even 10 minutes late, and apologize profusely. Most of my friends feel the same way.

One way to cope is to not let them make you wait. If you agree to meet at a restaurant and they're not there, start without them after a reasonable time. If you're supposed to meet at a theater, make sure they know which one and which show. And if they're not there a few minutes in advance, go in. They know where you're supposed to be. And _do not_ buy their tickets for them.

Just be positive about what you intend to do. Say, "We'll meet you at thus and so place; and if you're not there, we're going on from there to thus-and-so, and you can catch up with us there." They will, or they won't. But it's no longer you trying to make it all hang together. You've put the responsibility back on them, where it belongs.

In fairness, when making arrangements with people you like who you know have tardiness problems, you should check to make sure that they're thinking realistically. If they say, "fine, I can meet you there at eight," double-check: "Are you sure? You sure you can get there from work that quickly?" "Well, maybe not...." And maybe they'll give you a more realistic estimate of when they'll be there.

thingstodo

Time to discuss this with them, just not when it happens. They need to know how you feel and you need to determine if you are willing to maintain the relationship if they don't change their behavior. Anything else just seems unfair to you and you'll always be pissed at them but they won't know why.

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d*d

joke about it, don't let it eat away - they probably don't realise how much of a pain in the ass they are bieng. Don't be heavy handed but when talking about what time to meet , simply ask if thats the time they will be there if you should add on the cursory 20 minutes that they are always late by, once it's bought out in the open it'll be easier to tackle

macmanmike6100

My method is simply to abort after 25-30 minutes (and that's pushing it). I give them a call, however, at the 15 minute mark. Chronic lateness I won't stand for, and will firmly but respectfully address it in person. Too much time is wasted already in life, I don't need my friends wasting more :-)

lurkette

A couple of coping methods:

1. Stop accommodating them. If they're late for the movie, dinner, whatever, start without them. Oh well!

2. Tell them an earlier time - my friend Sharon is always at least 20 minutes late, so we just tell her to be there 1/2 hour earlier than we plan to be there.

3. Quit being polite about it. Chances are they apogize for being late and you say "oh that's all right" or whatever nice thing we say to keep the peace. Tell them flat out, this makes me really mad!

These are just band-aids. The real issue is, as someone pointed out, control. My advice would be to talk to them about how much you enjoy spending time with them, but how not-valued it makes you feel to have them constantly wasting your time by being late. In the end, you might decide that spending time with these people is not worth the aggravation of being stepped on all the time.

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d*d

This is a bit confrontational and would actually make an issue of the problem, yes stop being polite, but somewhere between "oh it's allright" and telling them flat out "it makes me mad" may be best to begin with in my opinion - they are friends after all

ryfo

Just say when you will meet and if they are not there they can 'catch up'. Having them arrive 1/2 way through a meal is way better than wasting your time and you will have time after to relax and maybe a 'what happened to you guys?' when they finally arrive will give them a 'light bulb' moment.

albania

I hate being late, and I hate waiting. The only time I’ll wait an extraordinary amount of time is when I need a ride, otherwise it's half an hour max depending on the person. As to changing someone's habits it's pretty much impossible unless they want to. Some people are just habitually late, and usually to everything. I suggest inviting them over to your house first and after they show up decide on what to do, if you are planning on something then tell them they have to be there by a certain amount of time, if they're not then you leave and have a good time. If your friends break an important event that you have to plan for well in advance then they are just being assholes, and it would be best not to make those kinds of plans.

jRuntlets

Wow, everyone is really generous with their time. I give people 15 minutes before I'm out of there. I also refuse to rely on chronically late people for rides. I'd much rather take the bus. Talk to the chronically late people about their issue, because it's disrespectful and shows a lack of care for you. If you're important enough to make plans enough, they should also be on time. I don't keep chronically late friends. Why? Because usually that along with being chronically late, they're unreliable... ect.

As for being late myself, even if it's going to be 5 minutes or under. I call. People think it's weird but I think it's rude to be late period. Even in extreme circumstances most of us have cell phones or can borrow one to call someone. My old boss used to think I was crazy if I called from a mile away, while sitting in traffic, to say that I was going to be 5 minutes late. I call it respect so that no one is wondering where/what is going on.

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d*d

harsh, I'm keeping the corner for us latees, I am not the most punctual person in the world, I seem to alwyas be held up by something - It does not mean I don't care about or respect them. I am however, reliable in many other way - I'm just not perfect and my timekeeping is awful.

If the lateness is indeed an aspect of a lack of respect they have for you, then this must be addressed, but I don't think you can make generalisations like bad timekeeping = bad person

highthief

IMO, people who are always late are inherently self centred and selfish - not neccessarily to the point of being friendship breakers, but it has to be taken into account. I have one buddy like that, he'll be late to his own funeral, and he knows my rule - you got 15 minutes or I leave without you.

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lurkette

d*d, it's not that bad timekeeping=bad person; it's that bad timekeeping = no respect for other people's time. I'm sure that disrespect is not the intent of people who are chronically late, but it's certainly the main by-product. Regardless of whether you meant for me to be disrespected, I'm still the one standing there waiting for you at the movie theater, wasting my time. Chronic lateness is also a good example of not being willing to keep your word: you agreed to be at a certain place at a certain time. If you can't be relied upon to do that, it doesn't make you a bad person, but it does make you flaky and unreliable.

Everyone's late sometimes - things happen. Traffic, emergency phone calls, whatever. But I have to deal with those things, too, and if I make an effort to be there on time and the other person never does, I feel completely unvalued.

If you KNOW your timekeeping is awful and you don't do anything to deal with it, you're implicitly saying that your bad habits are more important to you than the convenience and good will of your friends.

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veruca

Being a chronically late person is totally disrespectful and selfish. But, of course the "laties" don't see it that way. I have someone that I am aquanted with, she is a freind of a friend and will never be more than that to me, though I do like her, that is ALWAYS WITHOUT FAIL 40 minutes late. She never gets invited anywhere anymore because she can never be on time. I have even found that some people think they are cute and charming, and it is "just them" so I have to deal with it. I make it very clear with new friends, and my firends tell people we may be meeting with, that I do not put up with chronic lateness. If you are not there, I am leaving, and you will not be invited out with us again. An emergency is one thing, but all the time is another. And I hate people who are chronic "cancelors"...you are all ready to go or are even there, and get the phone call that they aren't coming.

As, for me, if I tell you I am going to be there I will not cancel unless I am on my deathbed, and I will be 5 minutes early.

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lurkette

One thing that takes the sting out of being late is just calling to let the person know you're going to be late. That way we're not just sitting there twiddling our thumbs wondering what the hell is happening. If I know you're going to be 15 minutes late, I can go browse a bookstore or run a quick errand or something, instead of standing around, trapped, waiting for you to show up whenever you happen to wander in.

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aberkok

Thank you to everyone who took the time to answer my questions. It is clear that it's not a problem unique to me. Should I be surprised that instead of just a few simple tips, some people went so far as to deconstruct the psyche of the late person?

Awesome. I've learned a lot and I look forward to putting some of these ideas to use.

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astevebotmelb

I have a friend who always arrives late when I invite her over for a meal. I put up with it for a while but now I ask her to arrive half an hour earlier I really want her to , and now she arrives at my doorstep 'on time '.

I'm not entirely sure that people arrive late are entirely selfish, although they can be a reason . I think sometimes these type of people are simply bad managers of time.

slimshaydee

I'm always fashionably late.

Gilda

Being late once or twice may be circumstances beyond your control. Being chronically late is a lifestyle choice, is disrespectful to others, and is on some level even a little dishonest. I don't mean that people who are chroncally late lie about everything, but if you know that you are habitually late and continue to agree to meet people at a specific time, then you are being deceptive on some level.

What I don't get is how a person can be consistently late if it isn't by conscious choice. Being on time is easy. If, say, we need to meet friends at the movie theater for an 8:00 movie, it's a pretty simple calculation to figure out when to start getting ready. Let's see, 20 minutes to get to the theater, 45 minutes to get dressed add in a couple of minutes for parking and walking to and from the car, and you've got 70 minutes. Add in a 5 minute cusion for unexpected delays, and you're starting to get ready at 6:45 at the latest.

Even better is the prepare before doing other things strategy. Let's say the afternoon involves playing videogames, getting ready to go out, and meeting for the movie. Get ready to go out first, then play the video games once you're dressed, and you've eliminated the possibility of running over on the game and shorting yourself on time to get dressed.

If you know you have a problem, you should make that cushion even bigger. I know that it's going to take me roughly an hour and 15 minutes to get ready to go someplace nice, so I begin to get ready an hour and 30 minutes before I need to be ready. Once I'm ready, I can kill the extra time I have by coming here, reading a comic book, listening to my Ipod, etc.

Really, being on time takes such a small amount of effort, both in planning and in execution that I can't really grasp how it becomes a habit if it isn't a deliberate choice to be rude.

My chief experience with appointments for social functions is with my comics group and the guys all tended to be right on time, within five minutes before we were set to begin.

Gilda

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tec-9-7

Gilda, you've stated this wonderfully. Occasional lateness is tolerable; chronic is not. It is disrespectful, and it's something the late person chooses to do.

lindalove

I totally disagree with that part...

Yes, a cushion will pretty much save you consistantly in terms of punctuality, but getting a chronically late person to start adopting a system of cushions and forethought to schedule can be a complete lifestyle change.
It's not just a simple choice. You can call it that, but this can be seen as idle rhetoric. The reality is that there are ALOT of changes and commitments involved in this change.

All that said, I do agree that chronic lateness is a nasty problem that needs to be addressed. But don't blind yourselves to the other side of the coin. For lots of people, it's a hard problem to tackle.

redneckdude

I have just the opposite problem. I tend to misjudge drive times or getting ready times and am sometimes early. Was dating a girl for awhile and she told me the first time I picked her up that she habitually runs late. My response that's okay i habitually run early. we should get along great.

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highthief

Gotta disagree with that statement - getting off heroin is a hard problem to tackle. Fighting cancer is a hard problem to tackle. Battling depression is a hard problem to tackle. Being on time is simply about making a decision to be on time, as are most other things people whine about.

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Gilda

I said it was a simple calculation, not that it was easy to motivate others to want to be on time. The calculation is simple, meaning not complex--(Destination time - prep time) + a small cushion = on time. It isn't difficult to understand. If I need to be someplace at 7:00, and it takes me 30 minutes to get there and 45 minutes to get ready, I need to start getting ready at 5:45. Simple, uncomplicated.

Getting someone who doesn't care to care is the difficult part.

Gilda

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lindalove

What I meant was it's the calculation part that was difficult. Maybe it's easy for you, but not for me. Or at least, I certainly see myself getting that calculation wrong a whole lot when I do think about it(kinda sad, really...). Anyhoo, sorry for jumbling up my thoughts.