Undercover_Man

Hi.
Ok, first off I've never been all that great with friendships. Never was really able to get any friends . Now that I live at Disney World, I'm having the same difficulty. Well, it's improved, but it's still not getting past the point as my previous friends.

All I've really gotten out of people was a "Hey, how ya doin!", "What have you been up to?", "Seee ya later", etc. Not much "hanging out" going on. I say in the titlee that I think it's mostly me. My communication skillls aren't all that great which, I believe, is a result of the lack of many friends while I was growing up in middle/high school. I had good elementary school years except for the 5th grade where I moved to a new home. I also have ADHD which probably doesn't help my situation.

I watch people sit down and start talking and talking and hold a nice conversation. I can't seem to do that for a while. I'm more of a listener. I enjoy hearing what other people have to say. I don't have much of a sense of humor either. I can't seem to think of any questions or whatever that would continue a conversation. I can't really reflect on my life for related material in a conversation cause most of my life is pretty boring since friends have been hard to come by for me.

How does one learn how to hold a conversation? How can I get better at asking the right questions and talking about something in order hold a better conversation? Is this what is holding me back from making more friends? What can I do to improve myself in the conversaion-holding/humerous area? What should I do?

- Undercover_Man

Nisses

Since I don't know you, I'll go with some basics

You say you're more of a listener... But that's ok all the same, some people like to talk, some people like to listen. Just make sure you listen attentively, the right body language could help you along already, giving a little feedback on what they just said too, even if it's only 3-4 words (obviously an "uhuh", or "yeah" won't cut it).

Your responses at that point don't have to be conversation holders, but at least give them the impression that you are really listening to them, and that you feel what they're trying to talk about.

Also, doesn't hurt if you're an opinionated asshole (ok, maybe just opinionated ) so that you can at least explain your own point of view on something after they are done talking.


As for humor: unfortunately you can't really say at this point what your kind of humor is, since you haven't had any chance to really find out so far... I wouldn't sweat that too much. You can't force humor, it comes naturally, or it doesn't come at all.

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Moderation should be moderately moderated.

StephenSa

I can't help your sense of humour or tell you how better to engage in conversation but I can give you some ideas of how to position yourself to have a better shot at aquiring some friends. People genererally want to "hang out" together when they have similar interests. For instance I know NOTHING about sports so hanging out and trying to make friends with rabid football fans would leave me with nothing to contribute so I wouldn't expect to make a lot of buddies there. On the other hand, I enjoy Scottish cultural events and martial arts and have made plenty of friends through those activities. I'd say find something you enjoy, martial arts, drama, sports, science fiction, outdoor activities, gaming, etc. and join a group/class that participates in these things. You'll be surrounded by people that enjoy the same things you do and have a set time where you will be together on a regular basis. If you don't have a "thing" you like then try a few until you find something you enjoy. After a while I'm sure you'll find someone that enjoys your company and vice versa. Good luck.

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Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.

Beccarain

Just to add to what StephenSa and Nisses said . . . as you are listening to someone talk, and you think it's someone you may want to get to know better, be sure they know you are interested and are paying attention. Eye contact is important, position your body facing the person (we send lots of non-verbal signals that speak volumes on our behalf). An interpersonal relationships class would give some tips, and I know there are some great books on the subject. When someone mentions something of interest to you, ask questions about it or add your own experience with the topic. Once you hit on having something in common with someone, perhaps invite them to do something where you can talk more or engage in whatever the activity happens to be.

I went through a similar situation to what you mentioned; moving to a new house (for me this included new city, new school) when I was in jr high and I went from being well known and well liked to withdrawing from other kids . . . that's another topic, but I just wanted you to know that I can relate.

Also, check out the news (paper or internet, any source). Find some articles that interest you. This will give you topic ideas to bring up to keep a conversation going. My S/O is more of the quiet type, and many of his customers follow sports. So he keeps up on what's going on so he can talk about it with customers.

As with anything worthwhile, conversing with people and making friends does take practice but it gets easier!

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Onward, through the fog . . .

Sultana

You know, being a listener can make you a terribly popular person--most folks love talking to someone who *actively* listens.

Very basically, that means being truely interested in what the other person is saying, and showing it (the previous posters have mentioned great methods), not just being a monosyllabic bump on a log. It takes investing a bit of time...and a bit of yourself. It also can mean taking a risk--but what do you have to lose?

If you feel your life experiences don't offer much grist for the conversational mill, then do something about it. Take classes. Go places. Experience things. Do things you think interesting people would do, even by yourself at first if neccessary. What hobbies do you have? What hobbies would you like to have? What is important to you?

These questions aren't to dog you, just to stimulate some self-examination for a solution. You seem willing to self-examine, which is terrific. So many people have problems and never even consider that it may have something to do with them. Just doing that means you're on the way to a solution.

Woo, am I channeling cheerleaders today or what? :P

777

Hey man, here's some homework tonight:

Pick up these books from the library, bookstore, or on line:

"How to Win Friends and Influence People" It was writen in the '30s, and it's still one of the best books on interacting with people.

"Comedy Writing Secrets" It's helping me with my sense of humor, and it's recomended my a dating guru.

Read them, study from them. It'll be a little work, and it will pay off.

Have fun.

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"I don't know that I ever wanted greatness, on its own. It seems rather like wanting to be an engineer, rather than wanting to design something - or wanting to be a writer, rather than wanting to write. It should be a by-product, not a thing in itself. Otherwise, it's just an ego trip."

Roger Zelazny

Rodney

More cynically: if you're sitting with somebody and you want to have a conversation, find a joint area of interest -- or pretend there is one -- and get them talking about themselves. Act interested in everything they say, follow up with compliments and ask them to elaborate on what they've said; look at them, keep your eyes open moderately wide -- a sign that you find them interesting.

This is of course an entirely bogus approach if you're doing it mechanically, without actual interest in the other person. But the lesson to be learned is: it's okay to be a listener, but don't listen passively. It's not a conversation unless two people take part, even if your part is mainly reacting to and asking for elaboration on what the other person said. Otherwise, you're making them carry all the weight, and they might as well be talking to a wall. And how interesting is that?

My question is, if you're interested in what other people have to say, why can't you think of questions? People generally want to know more about things that interest them.