cyrnel

Looking for thoughts, vibes, wisdom.

Mom passed away Sunday night. It was almost 5mo of battling against infections and complications she was finally unable to overcome. She put up one hell of a fight and I'm trying hard to take good things from that, but it's fresh and quite painful.

I was there with bro and sisters. We chose the time, to make it painless, and were together with healthcare staff who'd worked with us for a long time. That was good. Family is trying to stay in the moment and do the mechanical stuff we have to do, I'm scared of the silent times in between. Breakdowns, painful visions & memories... After 5mo being caregiver, living in the hospital and at their hotel, spending every day fighting cracks in the system, attitudes, motivation... I gained friends & knowledge that will remain forever... I want very much to keep up the fight wherever it leads... working with doctors, administration, clergy, but it's all a little like graduating, changing jobs, and losing mom at once. Family is great but they were here, I was there.

In a couple days the mechanical stuff is over, along with my escape. Looking for thoughts and ways to cope.

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There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

maleficent

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}

It's not enough but it's all I have, I'm so sorry for your loss...

Take a breath - and take some time for yourself... you've been totally there for someone else for 5 months... let people take care of you for a little bit.. it's not all on your shoulders... others can and will want to help...

Prayers blessingsand good vibes going out to you and your family for now and for the upcoming weeks and months.... i

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chickentribs

Cyrnel - condolences on your loss... Hugs from afar.

It can be difficult to pay attention to yourself after so much time devoted to another. Can you travel? What would your mother have wanted for you? Keep a journal and express whatever feelings come up in the next few months - and start this new chapter in your life as a celebration of what life can offer. You showed so much love and care over the last 5 months - let your mother laugh and smile with you as you seek out new adventure in this world!

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Oft expectation fails...
and most oft there Where most it promises
- Shakespeare, W.

cyrnel

Thanks Mal. You're always quick on these. I appreciate that. Can't help but picture you among the standouts.

Service stuff is pretty much locked. The basics took us a very, very long time. I've never edited a paragraph or two so many times.

The harp player my mom enjoyed so much wasn't able to make it down, but my sister located one of her peers who can. Very cool last minute surprise! Right now this is all about including people and making things work.

Meanwhile I keep stuttering back to my lists: People to call; injustices to right; things to improve; goals. I swear, if our main intensivist hadn't been so cool not only would mom not had a chance I would have admitted myself to the hospital nut bin. He's been a friend (though I harbor some fear of being managed) and he's encouraging my efforts toward system improvement. The next week or two will be interesting as I try to maintain mindshare among a crowd that has to move on to new cases. No doubt, more lessons remain.

For now though, another day out of the way. More things tied up. Tomorrow could be better or worse, depending on how we handle the coming idle time.

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There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

maleficent

Well, since it's probably calling people to tell them about your mom, then that should be your first priority, let your family and friends help out....

Take a deep breath and let it out -- do that a few times (No hyperventilating please, but I'll have a paper bag ready just in case)[inappropriate use of humor, i can't help myself sorry] All that will still be there tomorrow and the day after... While I wouldn't want you to loose momentum on your goals, you are just coming off of a wild roller coaster ride - you need to give yourself some time to adjust and get back into looking after yourself.

It's really admirable all that you want to accomplish, enlist as many people as possible to work as advocates and to give you inside contacts... Good luck with that - - I'm sure your mom would be proud...

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cyrnel

Mal, Reading back that sounds grandiose. I'm trying to find a balance between doing the right things - not dropping opportunities - and staying sane. Arranging the service and talking to family & friends is helping. It's hard, but people have been very supportive.

Humor is good. You should have seen us with the funeral director. Hope Mom wasn't listening.

chickentribsMy brother and I were talking about traveling today. The "checking out" kind of traveling. Then we look at work to be done and it's just a fantasy. For now. We both thought of it though so I'm betting there's a theraputic trip in our future. Oktoberfest & Ireland come to mind.

Space for myself has been stressful. It's when I come apart again and rehash things I could have done, should have known, etc. I'm sure this is part of my process but damn I want to get past the pain... she deserves the feelings of loss but somewhere in there i'm trying to associate it with good memories and what she'd want for our future. It's a complicated mess of emotions, and that doesn't make it easy to keep myself grounded.

So far the best therapy has been connecting with friends and family, some who've been out of the picture for a while. The sharing of memories, doing little things to honor her, talking about the future... it's all helping. Makes the "fix things" part feel unhealthy in a way, almost vengeful, but she'd want us to make things better for the next person. The healthcare stars have been very supportive. I think we have a chance to make good change... when we're ready.

For now though, you guys are right, it's about us. Supporting, remembering, moving forward. I'm trying.

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There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

ShaniFaye

hugs to you and your family!!!

Just remember, that no matter what, your mother would NOT want this to make a complete mess of you. Everybody has different beliefs....mine would be that I would know my mom was looking down on me and would be wanting to smack ME into the hereafter for letting it get the best of me. Coulda/woulda/shoulda is NOT what you need right now. Im am quite sure you did all you could given what you had to work with and she knows that too.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Elphaba

I hope in time you will find some comfort in the knowledge that you mother is free from the body that was tormenting her. My thoughts are with you.

Grasshopper Green

When my brother died, my husband and I took a trip the next week. It had already been booked and paid for, and we really didn't feel like going, but we went anyway. I think it was the best thing for me. I read that it's not in the schedule right now, but definitely think long and hard on the Ireland or Oktoberfest thing.

Hugs for you and your family. You are in my thoughts.

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"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

maleficent

Ya know -- just so you know - it is OK to cry.. and it's ok to fall apart a little or even a lot -- you've got friends and family to help put you back together -

Just a thought - are there any grandkids in the family? Or future grandkids -- or hell, just even do it for yourself-- put together a mom book - with all your favorite stories of her - the good -- the bad - and the oh so funny -- include pictures guarenteed to have her haunting you into the next life... Share those memories with your family and friends -- they might have stories you didnt know about...

Still sending more hugs..

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