joemc91

As with many roommate problems, this one can be traced back to the ladies. Not their fault however, it just happens to revolve around them. My roommate has had a crush on this girl for about 2 years now. It has never gone anywhere, even though she has known about it for quite some time. I normally stay out of anything when a roommate has a girl around, so I never really knew her.

A few weeks ago we (the girl and I) started hanging out because we both swim for excercise and enjoy a lot of coffee. We ended up really hitting it off. One thing led to another and now we're dating. I feel that as a roommate I am obligated to tell him what's up since I don't want any rumors spread around and for him to find out from someone else. I did and now I'm starting to regret it. He refuses to acknowledge my existence now. Not even looking at me when I greet him in the apartment and already after two days I'm really starting to get depressed about it. I want him to be happy, but shit!, why should I sacrifice my happiness for his? If they had dated at some point I would feel differently, but they never have, so I didn't feel this was that much of an issue. I really don't want to lose him as a friend and am trying my damndest to mend things.

He has actually been dragging the apartment down over the past semester with his depressing and angry moods. When I invite him out, I am answered with a "why do you even invite me? You know I'll say no!" and if I don't invite me I am told "of course I never go out, you never tell me about it!". Overall I feel as if I've created a world of mess but at the same time I don't feel as if I am truly the one at fault. Any takes on this? Either how to mend the situation or anything I could do?

Disk_Pusher

That's tough dude. My best advice is to bring some krispy kremes and coffee, sit down again with him, and talk about the current situation. Ask him if there's anything you can do to fix it (short of breaking up with the gal in question) and if he's even willing to forgive and forget. If it turns out he's more happy making you miserable, then just forget him. Saddly enough, it's what I've had to do with my current roommate situation, but when the people refuse to communicate or move out the best you can do is just forget about them and enjoy your life.

chickentribs

If his attitude was bad before, I don't know that you can expect much improvement now. Offer up some time to go grab dinner together and "catch up" with him and talk. Don't let him manipulate you into chasing him or treating him like a child because of his bad mood - it won't help and just frustrate you. If he is going to sulk than let him and just move on and enjoy your life.

__________________
Oft expectation fails...
and most oft there Where most it promises
- Shakespeare, W.

Pip

Nothing is ever his fault, is it? Everyone else are just mean to him? Sounds like he has a bit of a problem with taking responsibility and getting off his arse and do something. I think you gave him enough space and time to make a move on the girl, and she doesn't seem to be interested in him anyways. So keep dating her, and don't play his self-pity games.

StephenSa

If nothing happened between he and the girl for two years it was never going to happen. You've done nothing wrong. If he is a MAN and has some self-respect he'll get over his childish behavior and realise some delusional crush that was going nowhere is not worth losing a friendship over. If he doesn't then good luck to him in life, it gets a lot tougher. Keep dating the girl, maybe one day he'll grow up.

__________________
Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.

bparker805

I have been in a similar situation with a friend of mine. I had a crush on a girl and him being the ladies man that he is, hooked up with her. Of Course I was pissed off about it but I am that same kind of guy that might have done nothing about it. I figured I would just keep showing her what a nice guy I was and hopdfully she would have fallen for me. I now know that it rarely works out that way. Anyways... I forgave him because me friendship with him is more important than some random chick that floated in and out of the picture (because he uses them and is done with them). Besides, any woman that is willling to fall for that kind of pick up and hook up has no place in my life.

Rodney

You've not done anything wrong. He sounds like the kind of guy who works hard to be rejected so that he can be angry about it; you told him what was what, you're in the right, and now he's got you groveling for his forgiveness (you aren't actually asking for forgiveness, just his friendship, but that's the way he see it.) And that's what he wants. He doesn't want you friendship; he wants you to be as unhappy as he is. By choosing to perceive you as doing something wrong, he's cementing his self-image as a total victim of the world. Like somebody else said, he sees himself as doing nothing wrong; all his problems are somebody else's fault.

Of course, they're his fault. There's nothing you can do about it. You've got to understand that his anger and rejection are meaningless; it's about how he wants to feel, not about what you did. I don't usually say things like this, because usually there's room for give and take on both sides. But I've run into some people like this lately; nothing is ever their fault, the world is against them, everybody hates them and that's why their lives suck. They have no interest in making changes in what they do; they may not even know how. If you try to "help" them, they just suck you in. Therapy's what they need, but you can't give them that.

He's going to reject you from now on. Either just learn to accept it or get a new roommate.

RCR

Like you said, you should not have to sacrifice your happiness.

I think you just need to give him time to cool down. But dont make a point of doing everything he wishes, or going out of your way to make things right. Its he who has the problem not you,

VitaminH

I think you'd have been in the wrong to keep it from him. That's not something we should do to one another. If he'd been chasing her for two years and she knew about it and still did nothing, then he needs to accept that it's NOT going to happen. I know people like this, and they'll never change. You can try to reconcile with him but if he's like those whom I know odds are he'll always be bitter, it's sad and it is no way to go through life, but thats how people are sometimes.

If it's only been a few days, perhaps just give him some time to digest the material, and try to reconcile again in a bit? Perhaps he is just frustrated in general that he couldn't get the girl at all and you got her easily, and after some time he'll get over it. Time will tell.

__________________
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

MiSo

if she's known about it for two years and nothings happened in that time, then it's really not your fault at all.

you shouldn't have to sacrifice your happiness, and your roomate should be man enough to be happy for you.

you did the right thing by telling him yourself rather than him hearing rumors.

i guess the only thing to do is sit down and talk to him directly about the situation.
might be kind of difficult and awkward, but thats about the only way to get it out he way.

joemc91

It seems his being pissed at me was short lived as we're back to normal terms now. Normal of course being a relative term. In any case, there doesn't appear to be any lasting grudge. Considering how long we've been roommates (4 years), I should hope not. Thanks for the support.

zen_tom

print this page out and leave it somewhere in the kitchen or some shared room of the house

Rodney

Sounds like I was too harsh about him. He still sounds like a guy who likes to blame others for his problems, but he's cognizant enough to stop trying to drive away a true friend; he must have admitted to himself that you didn't cause his unhappiness.

joemc91

I'm sorry to begin another rant, but I just need to get this off my chest. It's been a month since I started this thread and I really enjoy being with this girl now. I was home for the previous two weeks so that I could visit the family before I head off to airline training. The girl offered to pick me up at Midway airport, near her family's place (and I didn't even ask!) and drive me down to my apartment at school. We figured we could spend Thursday evening, Friday, and some of Saturday together before we had to say goodbye for another three weeks or something.

Apparently my previously mentioned roommate who I thought had gotten over this development had, in fact, not. We (my gf and I) planned on going out to eat and just relaxing back at the apartment watching a movie. We didn't get to watch the movie because the roommate commandeered the TV to watch a Cubs game, by the end of which the gf was asleep. We should have just left. Even so, while there he would be really short with both of us, implying that we were slighting him with every word uttered. Besides this he would sometimes stare at her which made her wicked uncomfortable. When the game ended he made it a point to hang around much longer than necessary and make snide/just plain mean comments while talking to me about the training we were going to. Yes, we are training together at the airline, oh joy.

This whole situation made the gf so uncomfortable that she didn't want to spend the night at my apartment with him there. I know she doesn't have a problem staying here normally because she has in the past. She ended up staying on the couch of a good mutual friend of ours. This friend of ours has been great, letting us spend time at his place as opposed to mine since my roommate has been so bad. Unfortunately, this meant that when we were hanging out at his place, we still weren't alone. The only time we had together, alone, was the drive from Chicago to school.

I don't really know what to do now. On one hand, we are now (sort of) going our seperate ways since we are no longer living together and my gf will be moving to another university for med school. this would mean we won't have these awkward situations anymore. On the other hand, I really want to make it known to him just how uncomfortable he has been making us and how horribly he's been treating us and everyone around us lately. His behavior made a potentially very enjoyable weekend into a very awkward few days for my gf and I.

Demeter

I'd be too angry with him to be too civil. I mean, even if he has a problem with the situation, he can be an adult about it. (he seems to be a little short in the maturity zone, does't he?) Its not like it was his wife or anything.
His actions scream 'drama queen - look at me!'
I suppose you could casually mention that his actions the other night were immature & uncalled for.

__________________

I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare

skysooner

This isn't a friend. He sounds like a spoiled little child. Things don't go our way in life. A grown up way of looking at it is that it wasn't meant to be. He is trying to make you suffer because you got something he wanted. A true friend might express regret but would be glad that the girl was with someone he at least liked. I just don't understand this kind of behavior from someone. You are better off without friends like this in your life.