frogza

My mom was diagnosed today with colon cancer. We still don't know how far it's spread but she'll be getting a colonoscopy in the next couple of days to find out. The doctor told her that because of her symptoms he is expecting it to be wide spread, he said he's just wanting to see if it's in her lungs or stomach yet as well. She has lost a quarter of her body weight in under two months, and she was very thin before this. She can't eat much because it hurts, what she does eat goes right through her. She's weak and having dizzy spells.

So now I ask myself, what do I do now? How do I help her? What do I say to her, or my to two sisters still living at home? I'm the oldest so I guess I feel that it's my duty to be the strong one and hold everyone else up through this whole thing.

My mom lives about four hours away, so I'm going up to try and help with housework, tansportation for her and my sisters and moral support. Fortunately my employer is working with me and I can get a lot of my work done on a laptop so I have the time I need to help.

I don't know what I hope to accomplish posting this, maybe just do my venting and questioning in a "safe place" Does anyone have a magic wand I could just wave around and make it all better?

lurkette

I wish I had a magic wand for you, but the best I can manage is that death (which I assume is looming large in your mind) is not the worst thing that can happen. I lost my brother a year & 1/2 ago, and it's been one of the most painful experiences I've gone through, but also the richest and most rewarding. I know that sounds awful, but I've grown so much as a person because of it, and in a lot of ways I feel closer to my brother now than I even did when he was alive.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing - going up to support her, and it's good that your employer is being flexible. Take things as they come, and remember to take care of yourself, too. And don't stuff whatever feelings might come up - the more you repress them, the stronger they'll be when they eventually come out. You're going to be going through a lot of stuff, and you're a human being, and so is everyone else in your family. You're all going to need to give each other a lot of room to just feel what you feel.

And (from one eldest child to another) remember that holding everyone else together doesn't have to be your responsibility. You can choose that if you want, but take it on as a choice and not as an obligation. It'll make all the difference in the world.

Hang in there.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

coyote

Frogza:
I feel for your situation, my wife has terminal cervical cancer and it is a horrible battle. One of the important things is too do for her what feels best to you. There were days I didn't go up to the hospital, because I just couldn't. Some people may feel that is selfish or insensitive, but you have to do what is best to kep your self as mentally and physically healthy. Some people don't understand how I keep working at this point, but if I don't get out and get a little 8 hr break, I won't be any good for her and the kids for the other 16 hrs. My kids are 10 and 14, and I have told my 14 year old that I just don't know what it is like to have a sick Mom, and most people his age will not. Another suggestion is do not feel guilty doing the things you enjoy, your Mom does not want you too. At this point your Mom would still have all the options available to her. Surgery, Radiation and Chemo. Unfortunately my wife has exhausted all of those options. Another suggestion for you and your family, be your own advocates in your Mom's treatment. Do not be afraid to get a second opinion or question the treatment choices. When someone gets pregnant, they get a book called "What to expect when you are expecting." I wish there was a manual like that for cancer, but there just isn't. Be there for your sisters, and don't be afraid to cry.
Take care.

maleficent

No magic wands here... I will send a hug and lots of good thoughts and wishes in your direction, and a few prayers can't hurt either.

Don't take too much on yourself. Your siblings should be there for each other, you don't have to be strong one, or do it all yourself. No one would expect you to do that, all you can do is the best you can, and be there when you can.

As for support, I'm sure the hospital can recommend some places for you, and I'm not sure where you are located, but one outstanding organization, you might want to look at, for both your mom, and for your family, is Gilda's Club, I honestly can't say enough good things about them, I've volunteered my time and money to them for a few years now, and they will be there when you need them.

Just remember you aren't alone, good luck.

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joeb1

Sorry. no magic wands here either. Just wishing you all the strength, love and comfort. I have just gone through losing a father in law last month to cancer.

Everyone here has offered good advise.

I will only add that it's ok to cry. It's ok to not have to be the "Strong One". Please just don't hold back. You don't have to be super human, just human.

This process can either tear a family apart, or make them stronger. I pray that it makes yours stronger!

Good luck as well.

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Disco Duck...

f6twister

I lost my dad a little over a year ago to lung cancer. He was 55. This will probably be the hardest thing you ever faced in your life so far. The first thing I learned was to not look too far ahead. Wait until you get real answers and try not to speculate. You will drive yourself crazy. Secondly, hope for the best but always know that the worst can happen. I hoped that my dad would be able to have surgery and be fine. Reality was that it was too advanced and strong which chemo wasn't able to fight and surgery would have just been more pain for him, no help.

I wish I had good answers for you but I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. Feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to about this.

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A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Calvin

portereight

My father in law was diagnosed with colon cancer 4 1/2 years ago. My mother found out she had breast Cancer 3 years ago. Both are recovered and doing very very well.
I just thought that you may need reminding that the big C is not necessarily a death sentence in this day and age.
My thoughts are with all of you.

frogza

Thanks to all for the encouragment and advice. For those in similar circumstances, I'm pulling for you too. After the colonoscopy I'll report on how she's doing.

Grancey

No magic wand for this one. You will reach a point in which you shut down your feelings, and things become pretty much routine. And that's okay. It's actually good for you and your family. There will be plenty of time to deal with your emotions when you are ready. It's a long road and far from easy. Just keep in mind that you are not the first person to have to deal with something like this. Knowing that other people have been through the same experience can give you strength.

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Quiet, mild-mannered souls might just turn out to be roaring lions of two-fisted cool.

quadro2000

I wish I had advice to impart. I don't. Just that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

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You have to laugh at yourself...because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't. - Emily Saliers

matteo101

Frogza, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Remember that whatever happens, happens. Be optimistic, but don't deny the possibilities. Make sure that your mom knows you are there for her, and that you love her. And like others said, don't think that the burden must rest on your shoulders. Your familiy, is a family and you are all there for eachother. I wish your you and your mom the best of luck, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

themisfit

So sorry to hear that....sending prayers and best wishes.

__________________
At length my cry was known:
Therein lay my release.
I met the wolf alone
And was devoured in peace.

ESVM

Tidus

Prayers..and more prayers...sorry.. >_<

Painted

Remember: A $4 rose, a hug, and a kiss mean more to someone when theyre alive than a ten thousand dollar funeral when theyre dead.

VitaminH

That is a very good, and very true statement.


My 25 year old brother has been battleing the big C for about six months now, he's doing well thankfully. It's essential to remember that pretty much everyone's cancer is different and they are going to respond differently to therapy, so there's always a chance your mother will pull through.

The most important thing to remember is you've all got to get through this together. Work with your siblings and talk about it, and keep the family ties strong. Self-isolation only makes it harder.

__________________
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

yellowchef

I was a transcriptionist/receptionist for a Hemotology/Oncology group for about 3 years. My mother is still employed there and its really hard to see some of the patients. Most of them are so sweet, their families come in on occasion for support and the staff is also very supportive of them. If your mother is so blessed to find an oncologist nearby I hope the staff is the same. Often times when you visit the oncologist you will recieve a packet of goodies, information and sometimes sample medications to help offset the cost. In this packet you should be able to find out some about support groups, websites and books which can help to better explain what is going on. If you are unable to find anything in your information ask the staff, and they should be more than happy to help.

Just be there for her and your family. Check in on her to make sure she is taking her meds and that shes going to her appointments. Sometimes patients get depressed, and give up hope and quit taking the very meds that are keeping them alive. Your siblings and your family will appreciate the little things even moreso now that they are in a time of need. Just like Cyote said dont stress yourself out over this, that wont help. Keep your spirits up and try to answer any questions your siblings may have. If you cant answer them ask the doctor and then explain it to them.

Also if there is ever a Relay For Life in your area take your mother and talk to the survivors. She can participate in the "Survivors Walk" and make a new group of friends who can also help her through this. I dont know when they begin but the one in my area is around March. This event is sponsored by the American Cancer Society and you can probably find out more information on their website listed below.

here are a few websites for colon cancer and colon cancer support groups:
www.ccalliance.org

http://www.cancer.org/

http://www.sharedexperience.org/

Im including a few links for cancer centers through Universities Ive had personal experiences with. They may or may not be close to you but think about checking into a similar University Cancer Center if there is a large University near you. If your mother has insurance they may cover it and if your mother is willing she may be eligible for clinical trials(this is of course a decision for her to make) and they may have support groups on site for your mother and your family(because this is a big leap for your family as well) that will benefit both of you and ease the stress.

http://www.mdanderson.org/

http://www.mayo.edu/

http://www.ufscc.ufl.edu/

I hope these sites and the further diagnosis of your mother help you and your family. You are definately in my thoughts and prayers considering this has come at the Holidays.

God Bless.

sexymama

Great advice above! Just a couple of more suggestions and a couple of echos.
*listen to what your mom wants and honor it!
*remember, this is your mom's life, your roll is to support, not decide
*be there for her as often as you can; AND take care of yourself in the process (if you burn yourself out you are no good to anyone!)
*cry, pray, rant, do whatever you need to do -- it is okay!
*join a support group.
*talk to your mom about what she wants and follow through on it (life support, chemo., radiation, silence, hand holding, people around, to be alone . . . her needs and desires come first.)
*don't be afraid to talk about the end. Ask her what kind of funeral she wants. Write the obituary together, etc.
*BUT, celebrate her life now! Tell her what you appreciate about her and the gifts she has given you.
*record her stories.
*don't be afraid to touch her.
*when you are with her, be with her -- not with the others in the room.
*and, I can't emphasize enough, take care of yourself -- cry, pray, rant, get drunk, whatever you need to do to take care of you!

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers -- best of luck and may the universe be with you!

__________________
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It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.