Manic Depression's a frustrating mess - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Meier_Link · 08-11-2004, 09:31 PM

I decided to start this thread because I didn't see an active thread about manic depression aka bipolar disorder.

This is basically me venting my problems and hoping to get some release from just getting it out of my system.

Am I starting to cycle?

That is the question that is on my mind. Those of you who have this problem know what I'm talking about, those who don't will either speculate or furrow your brows and wonder what the hell I'm talking about. Basically I'm worried that I will emerge from the bottom of my depression cycle in a fluster of random racing thoughts over which I have little to know control. If this happens these jumbled thoughts running a mile a minute will probably lead me off on an irrational, implusive, and likely delusional tangent from which it may take me weeks or longer to recover.

Why am I worried? Well I'm starting to see some of the tell-tale signs of it happening.

First, I'm becoming aware of my depression. It's hard to say when you're depressed if it's always like that or just right now seems that way; either way right now I'm realizing that my life's been pretty much in a stall for the last 8 months or so. I don't have the room, nor likely does whoever's reading this have the attention span to hear this details of this right now, but suffice it to say that over that time I have pretty much accomplished, and for the most part done, nothing.

The depression by itself would not be enough cause for me to worry. The next thing I'm noticing is changes in my sleep pattern. I may sound boring or like an old person, but with manic depression it is very important to get a good amount of sleep. There's been times when I was manic that I didn't sleep for days, and not for lack of trying. One thing for certain is that extended sleep deprevation can set me off. Recently I've started waking up a lot in the middle of the night. On top of that, from my usual 8 hours or so of sleep I'm down to averaging 5 or 6 a night. Waking up in the middle of the night means that I'm not getting the deep sleep I need. On top of that I've been having a lot of weird dreams when I do sleep.

Lastly, as I lie in bed exhausted but unable to sleep, I begin to ponder making drastic changes in my life. Seems like a good idea, right? Very proactive -- identify that there are many things that need to change, then take the initiative and fix them. Sounds so good on paper. However, I've been here enough times to know that it's a trap. I'll talk to my family and friends about everything that I'm going to do to fix my life. I'll tell them all about how I've been doing things wroung and now I'm going to change them. I'll quit drinking and smoking weed; I'll go out and find a real job; I'll fix my car, pay my taxes, maybe even get a haircut. I will start all this and I'll be excited about it, in fact I'll be happier than anyones seen me in a long time. I'll start believing in God and going to church. It sounds so good, even as I type this it sounds so fucking good.

But then it will happen. I could be content to stay at that level, but I can't. I will continue to rise, my excitement will turn into hysteria. Maybe I'll figure out whats wrong with the world and how to fix it. Maybe God will start sending me messages and I'll become a new prophet. Maybe I'll pick up on the hidden meanings in what everyone's been saying to me. I won't be able to concentrate. Reading a book and comprehending it will be next to impossible... to many hidden messages. Every conversation will move to the same topic, if only in my head. The worst part... I will have no earthly idea that it's all in my head. The mere suggestion of that would be ludacris, obvious by someone who doesn't understand. Regardless of how I think I'm thinking, it will be months, maybe longer, before my mind returns to normal.

Ok, I think I'm done now. Just like the song lyrics, it's a frustraing mess.

I don't know what I'm looking for with this thread. Maybe just for someone to identify with me, maybe for a new suggestion that I haven't considered; something that will actually help.

Kudos to those who have endured my ranted and read this far. Now I'm going to try to get some sleep.

Poloboy · 08-11-2004, 10:05 PM

What you describe is certainly, beyond a doubt, manic depression; have you been officially diagnosed though? And if you have, and you don't mind me asking, are you taking medication for it?

I know several manic depressives on a personal level, and I've also volunteered in the mental health facility in my city, and in my experience the medication can have excellent effects, and the patients almost always consider them worth any side effects.

Meier_Link · 08-12-2004, 06:27 AM

I've been diagnosed with it. I've been on and off the medication... The meds make me all zombified, on top of that they've in the past made me gain about 30 pounds, break out bad with acne, and caused sexual problems. I feel a lot better this morning having gotten about 7 hours of good sleep (which I desperately needed because I was exhausted.)

Bentley Little · 08-12-2004, 06:49 AM

Like Poloboy says, it is definitely Manic Depression and you should be on meds for it now if you aren't. I was hypo manic depression type II. Meaning I was mostly depressed but could sometimes get into semi-manic stages that would seem normal to most since they weren't super manic. Sorta like your initial manic episode symptoms. But I was put on Paxil and it helped a great deal. Meds can help regulate your mood so that you do not go up and down. With that help you can start to get a grip on your life and maybe even come to learn how to manage your life like a "normal" (and I use that word cautiously) person. But that would be for your doc to decide. Some people will always need to be on meds to regulate, and some can learn to beat the disease and later be healthy w/o any meds.

I was there so I know what it is like. But rely on those people who care about you and talk to them about it, but most definitely, see someone who specializes in these matters. Maybe go to group counseling.

Polyphobic · 08-13-2004, 05:25 AM

My wife was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after our son was born. Midway into the treatment she started forgetting to take her meds and sometime just didn't bother. This sent her into a tailspin that I and her therapist couldn't pull her out of. Eventually, she started blaming me for everything that was going on. After quite a few incidents of being blamed for everything I fought back and we got into a big argument. I suggested divorce in the heat of the moment and she left to her friends house. Later that night she attempted to commit suicide. Needless to say she did not succeed. Thank god. She then spent time in a mental health ward. Since the incident she was put on more meds and sees her therapist weekly. We just finished couples therapy and that went well. She is stabalized but must stay on her meds.
The moral of the story: stay on your meds.
They take a while to stabalize. In the meantime while your body is getting used to the meds and your drs are adjusting your med levels you probably will feel like crap. Improvement takes time. Be patient and stay the course.
My wife is now doing much better and is working on resolving many issues from her childhood that helped worsen the bipolar issue.

-mike

Meier_Link · 08-13-2004, 07:19 AM

Seems like there's a drug for everything and everyone is taking something. I'm sure if I do cycle I will be on drugs for some time, but I'm going to do what's in my power to keep that from happening. I just am hoping that I am aware enough of myself and my symptoms by now that if I start to get bad I will take something to put me back in control. I don't want to be dependent on a medication all the time, all that ever seems to lead to is more medication and higher dosages.

Polyphobic · 08-13-2004, 08:23 AM

This is one disorder that drugs are a necessity for IMO. My wife probably will be on these meds for quite some time. However, the dosages have actually dropped. I think her meds are: loranzepam, geodon, and lithium.
Even with all these drugs she cycles every so often.
Just hang in there and follow through with the treatment. Eventually things will start getting better.

la petite moi · 08-13-2004, 11:00 AM

Sounds like me, strangely. I wake up every night, and start thinking about how I'll get a job somewhere cos I'll go talk to the manager, I'll buy my boyfriend a present to make up for my mood swings, I'll go to school and get straight A's, and maybe I'll just go to the school my parents want me to. I'll start losing weight and exercising more and clean everything.

And then I realise that it's 6h in the morning, and I'm exhausted, and that I don't wanna do any of those things I mentioned.

LondonsBurning · 08-17-2004, 12:34 PM

If it helps I know exactly what you're talking about. I was diagnosed bipolar this past February. Dropped out of school, and sought immediate counseling and medical treatment. Am taking Tetracil and Paxil CR. Struggle daily with sexual side effects and constantly feel like giving up on taking the meds since I see no immediate results in sight of things getting better. It takes forever to see my nurse practitioner who decides what meds I should take which takes a month or two to arrange only to have a short 15 to 20 minute conversation the inevitably ends in "lets increase the dosage" only to find the increased dosage does some short term good but wears off within a week or two. Rinse and repeat. I'm just now at the minimal dosage that the Tetracial is supposed to actually help treat the bipolar disorder, and it has actually done little good if only for an extremely short while. At 600 mg a day, I've read about people taking the medication who need to take up to 1200 to 1500 mg a day to get a sense of normalcy. The slow raising of the dosage that takes a month or two before I'm okayed to do so frustrates me to no end, since my practitioner only increses the dosage to half a pill with each visit. I feel like it does nothing anyways, yet I persist on taking it because I have nothing else to believe in, that is unless I'm in a sense of hysteria where everything feels possible. I fear by the time I do reach a dosage that will be high enough to help me, my whole life will have passed me by, and I'll be yet another semester delayed from graduating college, and ever more dependant on my family to help provide. I've lost many a friends due to this disorder and have feel as though I've forgotten how to act "normal" around everyday people I'd pass by when I actually leave my house. This illness frustrates me to no end, and I'm fucking sick of it, yet I am smart enough to realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and to persist and have faith that I will be able to go on with my life, albeit with a few every morning when I wake up to help me get by.

AfterBurn · 08-17-2004, 02:24 PM

wow wow scary stuff...A while ago I thought I had things like this but I think I was just thinking that and it's not true..What's bi polar disorder like anyway? From what I read I thought it was just mood swings and things like that.. What does this mean? "and have feel as though I've forgotten how to act "normal" around everyday people I'd pass by when I actually leave my house."? Scary stuff...

Meier_Link · 08-18-2004, 02:54 PM

LondonsBurning, I can definitely sympathize. While I've pretty much given up on the medication, except for anti-psychotics when I need them; though I've heard that they do work for people. While usually I can get along with people and appear normal, it's rare that I feel completely comfortable in social situations. I try to make myself get out and talk to people because it seems like the more I interact the less isolated and different I feel.

I can say though, most the times I've worried about feeling "normal" is when I'm getting or recovering from a manic episode. Normal is a difficult thing to gauge, because everybody's different in their mental state. I think it's more important just to feel like you're in your own right state of mind.

JimmyTheHutt · 08-21-2004, 12:45 PM

I can relate to how all of you feel. I haven't been diagnosed (and I really CAN'T be at this point, due to the fact that I have no medical insurance, and no money to pay for it myself) but my family has a long history of it. I've been sleeping poorly lately, and a few weeks ago I had to talk myself out of doing something horrible. I've kinda stabilized for the moment, but its more out of numbness then any particular upswing in my mood.

Veritas en Lux!
Jimmy The Hutt

cj2112 · 08-21-2004, 01:42 PM

Please, no matter what, STAY ON YOUR MEDS

My ex-wife is manic, on her meds she was one of the most caring, unselfish loving people I have ever known. Off of them she was a completely self-centered callous bitch. She has not spoken to our children in nearly 4 years, has not seen them in 5, has chosen not to pay a dime of support, in the 7 years we were together she attempted suicide no less than 7 times (I honestly lost count). The side effects of the medication are sometimes difficult to take, it is frustrating to not see the results immediately, however please stay on your medication. the results will come.

Meier_Link · 08-27-2004, 05:22 PM

Another night of depression for me... I can't say if I've been depressed for the last few days or if it's just hit me tonight. I'm not sure what the problem is, maybe it's just that I didn't do enough, or didn't get enough sleep. Maybe it's relationship problems that I just may just be inventing in my head. I don't know. But what's for sure is that I feel like shit. I think this might be the point where I should go out and get shitfaced.

I guess on this thread I'm not really looking for advice at this point... This is just kind of a place for me to unload.... I encourage anyone else to do the same; I think that it helps.

tiltedbc · 08-28-2004, 11:19 PM

I'm not a doctor, although I play one on TV. And by TV, I mean in bed with a woman who is not my wife and a videocamera.

Don't give up the weed. It may help with rage issues that can come with the bipolar disorder. Avoid alcohol of course, since it's a depressant. Get exercise like walking. Write a list of what you want to change and do one thing each week and cross it off. Then make more lists.

This too will pass. That's what I say to myself when I get bummed.

08-11-2004, 09:31 PM	#1 (permalink)
Meier_Link Psycho Location: in a state of confusion	Manic Depression's a frustrating mess I decided to start this thread because I didn't see an active thread about manic depression aka bipolar disorder. This is basically me venting my problems and hoping to get some release from just getting it out of my system. Am I starting to cycle? That is the question that is on my mind. Those of you who have this problem know what I'm talking about, those who don't will either speculate or furrow your brows and wonder what the hell I'm talking about. Basically I'm worried that I will emerge from the bottom of my depression cycle in a fluster of random racing thoughts over which I have little to know control. If this happens these jumbled thoughts running a mile a minute will probably lead me off on an irrational, implusive, and likely delusional tangent from which it may take me weeks or longer to recover. Why am I worried? Well I'm starting to see some of the tell-tale signs of it happening. First, I'm becoming aware of my depression. It's hard to say when you're depressed if it's always like that or just right now seems that way; either way right now I'm realizing that my life's been pretty much in a stall for the last 8 months or so. I don't have the room, nor likely does whoever's reading this have the attention span to hear this details of this right now, but suffice it to say that over that time I have pretty much accomplished, and for the most part done, nothing. The depression by itself would not be enough cause for me to worry. The next thing I'm noticing is changes in my sleep pattern. I may sound boring or like an old person, but with manic depression it is very important to get a good amount of sleep. There's been times when I was manic that I didn't sleep for days, and not for lack of trying. One thing for certain is that extended sleep deprevation can set me off. Recently I've started waking up a lot in the middle of the night. On top of that, from my usual 8 hours or so of sleep I'm down to averaging 5 or 6 a night. Waking up in the middle of the night means that I'm not getting the deep sleep I need. On top of that I've been having a lot of weird dreams when I do sleep. Lastly, as I lie in bed exhausted but unable to sleep, I begin to ponder making drastic changes in my life. Seems like a good idea, right? Very proactive -- identify that there are many things that need to change, then take the initiative and fix them. Sounds so good on paper. However, I've been here enough times to know that it's a trap. I'll talk to my family and friends about everything that I'm going to do to fix my life. I'll tell them all about how I've been doing things wroung and now I'm going to change them. I'll quit drinking and smoking weed; I'll go out and find a real job; I'll fix my car, pay my taxes, maybe even get a haircut. I will start all this and I'll be excited about it, in fact I'll be happier than anyones seen me in a long time. I'll start believing in God and going to church. It sounds so good, even as I type this it sounds so fucking good. But then it will happen. I could be content to stay at that level, but I can't. I will continue to rise, my excitement will turn into hysteria. Maybe I'll figure out whats wrong with the world and how to fix it. Maybe God will start sending me messages and I'll become a new prophet. Maybe I'll pick up on the hidden meanings in what everyone's been saying to me. I won't be able to concentrate. Reading a book and comprehending it will be next to impossible... to many hidden messages. Every conversation will move to the same topic, if only in my head. The worst part... I will have no earthly idea that it's all in my head. The mere suggestion of that would be ludacris, obvious by someone who doesn't understand. Regardless of how I think I'm thinking, it will be months, maybe longer, before my mind returns to normal. Ok, I think I'm done now. Just like the song lyrics, it's a frustraing mess. I don't know what I'm looking for with this thread. Maybe just for someone to identify with me, maybe for a new suggestion that I haven't considered; something that will actually help. Kudos to those who have endured my ranted and read this far. Now I'm going to try to get some sleep.

08-12-2004, 06:27 AM	#3 (permalink)
Meier_Link Psycho Location: in a state of confusion	I've been diagnosed with it. I've been on and off the medication... The meds make me all zombified, on top of that they've in the past made me gain about 30 pounds, break out bad with acne, and caused sexual problems. I feel a lot better this morning having gotten about 7 hours of good sleep (which I desperately needed because I was exhausted.) __________________ life is a sexually transmitted disease

08-12-2004, 06:49 AM	#4 (permalink)
Bentley Little Insane Location: In my head...	Like Poloboy says, it is definitely Manic Depression and you should be on meds for it now if you aren't. I was hypo manic depression type II. Meaning I was mostly depressed but could sometimes get into semi-manic stages that would seem normal to most since they weren't super manic. Sorta like your initial manic episode symptoms. But I was put on Paxil and it helped a great deal. Meds can help regulate your mood so that you do not go up and down. With that help you can start to get a grip on your life and maybe even come to learn how to manage your life like a "normal" (and I use that word cautiously) person. But that would be for your doc to decide. Some people will always need to be on meds to regulate, and some can learn to beat the disease and later be healthy w/o any meds. I was there so I know what it is like. But rely on those people who care about you and talk to them about it, but most definitely, see someone who specializes in these matters. Maybe go to group counseling. __________________ That is my 2 cents.

08-13-2004, 05:25 AM	#5 (permalink)
Polyphobic Runt Location: Denver	My wife was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after our son was born. Midway into the treatment she started forgetting to take her meds and sometime just didn't bother. This sent her into a tailspin that I and her therapist couldn't pull her out of. Eventually, she started blaming me for everything that was going on. After quite a few incidents of being blamed for everything I fought back and we got into a big argument. I suggested divorce in the heat of the moment and she left to her friends house. Later that night she attempted to commit suicide. Needless to say she did not succeed. Thank god. She then spent time in a mental health ward. Since the incident she was put on more meds and sees her therapist weekly. We just finished couples therapy and that went well. She is stabalized but must stay on her meds. The moral of the story: stay on your meds. They take a while to stabalize. In the meantime while your body is getting used to the meds and your drs are adjusting your med levels you probably will feel like crap. Improvement takes time. Be patient and stay the course. My wife is now doing much better and is working on resolving many issues from her childhood that helped worsen the bipolar issue. -mike __________________ <--The great infidel-->

08-13-2004, 07:19 AM	#6 (permalink)
Meier_Link Psycho Location: in a state of confusion	Seems like there's a drug for everything and everyone is taking something. I'm sure if I do cycle I will be on drugs for some time, but I'm going to do what's in my power to keep that from happening. I just am hoping that I am aware enough of myself and my symptoms by now that if I start to get bad I will take something to put me back in control. I don't want to be dependent on a medication all the time, all that ever seems to lead to is more medication and higher dosages. __________________ life is a sexually transmitted disease

08-11-2004, 10:05 PM	#2 (permalink)
Poloboy Insane Location: Canada	What you describe is certainly, beyond a doubt, manic depression; have you been officially diagnosed though? And if you have, and you don't mind me asking, are you taking medication for it? I know several manic depressives on a personal level, and I've also volunteered in the mental health facility in my city, and in my experience the medication can have excellent effects, and the patients almost always consider them worth any side effects.

08-13-2004, 08:23 AM	#7 (permalink)
Polyphobic Runt Location: Denver	This is one disorder that drugs are a necessity for IMO. My wife probably will be on these meds for quite some time. However, the dosages have actually dropped. I think her meds are: loranzepam, geodon, and lithium. Even with all these drugs she cycles every so often. Just hang in there and follow through with the treatment. Eventually things will start getting better. __________________ <--The great infidel-->

08-13-2004, 11:00 AM	#8 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Sounds like me, strangely. I wake up every night, and start thinking about how I'll get a job somewhere cos I'll go talk to the manager, I'll buy my boyfriend a present to make up for my mood swings, I'll go to school and get straight A's, and maybe I'll just go to the school my parents want me to. I'll start losing weight and exercising more and clean everything. And then I realise that it's 6h in the morning, and I'm exhausted, and that I don't wanna do any of those things I mentioned.

08-17-2004, 12:34 PM	#9 (permalink)
LondonsBurning Upright	If it helps I know exactly what you're talking about. I was diagnosed bipolar this past February. Dropped out of school, and sought immediate counseling and medical treatment. Am taking Tetracil and Paxil CR. Struggle daily with sexual side effects and constantly feel like giving up on taking the meds since I see no immediate results in sight of things getting better. It takes forever to see my nurse practitioner who decides what meds I should take which takes a month or two to arrange only to have a short 15 to 20 minute conversation the inevitably ends in "lets increase the dosage" only to find the increased dosage does some short term good but wears off within a week or two. Rinse and repeat. I'm just now at the minimal dosage that the Tetracial is supposed to actually help treat the bipolar disorder, and it has actually done little good if only for an extremely short while. At 600 mg a day, I've read about people taking the medication who need to take up to 1200 to 1500 mg a day to get a sense of normalcy. The slow raising of the dosage that takes a month or two before I'm okayed to do so frustrates me to no end, since my practitioner only increses the dosage to half a pill with each visit. I feel like it does nothing anyways, yet I persist on taking it because I have nothing else to believe in, that is unless I'm in a sense of hysteria where everything feels possible. I fear by the time I do reach a dosage that will be high enough to help me, my whole life will have passed me by, and I'll be yet another semester delayed from graduating college, and ever more dependant on my family to help provide. I've lost many a friends due to this disorder and have feel as though I've forgotten how to act "normal" around everyday people I'd pass by when I actually leave my house. This illness frustrates me to no end, and I'm fucking sick of it, yet I am smart enough to realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and to persist and have faith that I will be able to go on with my life, albeit with a few every morning when I wake up to help me get by.

08-17-2004, 02:24 PM	#10 (permalink)
AfterBurn Psycho	wow wow scary stuff...A while ago I thought I had things like this but I think I was just thinking that and it's not true..What's bi polar disorder like anyway? From what I read I thought it was just mood swings and things like that.. What does this mean? "and have feel as though I've forgotten how to act "normal" around everyday people I'd pass by when I actually leave my house."? Scary stuff... __________________ smoking weed everyday keeps the doctor away

08-18-2004, 02:54 PM	#11 (permalink)
Meier_Link Psycho Location: in a state of confusion	LondonsBurning, I can definitely sympathize. While I've pretty much given up on the medication, except for anti-psychotics when I need them; though I've heard that they do work for people. While usually I can get along with people and appear normal, it's rare that I feel completely comfortable in social situations. I try to make myself get out and talk to people because it seems like the more I interact the less isolated and different I feel. I can say though, most the times I've worried about feeling "normal" is when I'm getting or recovering from a manic episode. Normal is a difficult thing to gauge, because everybody's different in their mental state. I think it's more important just to feel like you're in your own right state of mind.

08-21-2004, 12:45 PM	#12 (permalink)
JimmyTheHutt Psycho Location: Hell (Phoenix AZ)	I can relate to how all of you feel. I haven't been diagnosed (and I really CAN'T be at this point, due to the fact that I have no medical insurance, and no money to pay for it myself) but my family has a long history of it. I've been sleeping poorly lately, and a few weeks ago I had to talk myself out of doing something horrible. I've kinda stabilized for the moment, but its more out of numbness then any particular upswing in my mood. Veritas en Lux! Jimmy The Hutt __________________ Think Jabba, only with more hair and vestigal legs.... "This isn't a nightmare, its real. Nightmare's end." -ShadowDancer

08-21-2004, 01:42 PM	#13 (permalink)
cj2112 Unbelievable Location: Grants Pass OR	Please, no matter what, STAY ON YOUR MEDS My ex-wife is manic, on her meds she was one of the most caring, unselfish loving people I have ever known. Off of them she was a completely self-centered callous bitch. She has not spoken to our children in nearly 4 years, has not seen them in 5, has chosen not to pay a dime of support, in the 7 years we were together she attempted suicide no less than 7 times (I honestly lost count). The side effects of the medication are sometimes difficult to take, it is frustrating to not see the results immediately, however please stay on your medication. the results will come.

08-27-2004, 05:22 PM	#14 (permalink)
Meier_Link Psycho Location: in a state of confusion	Another night of depression for me... I can't say if I've been depressed for the last few days or if it's just hit me tonight. I'm not sure what the problem is, maybe it's just that I didn't do enough, or didn't get enough sleep. Maybe it's relationship problems that I just may just be inventing in my head. I don't know. But what's for sure is that I feel like shit. I think this might be the point where I should go out and get shitfaced. I guess on this thread I'm not really looking for advice at this point... This is just kind of a place for me to unload.... I encourage anyone else to do the same; I think that it helps.

08-28-2004, 11:19 PM	#15 (permalink)
tiltedbc Crazy Location: BC, Canada	I'm not a doctor, although I play one on TV. And by TV, I mean in bed with a woman who is not my wife and a videocamera. Don't give up the weed. It may help with rage issues that can come with the bipolar disorder. Avoid alcohol of course, since it's a depressant. Get exercise like walking. Write a list of what you want to change and do one thing each week and cross it off. Then make more lists. This too will pass. That's what I say to myself when I get bummed.