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Meier_Link · 08-11-2004, 09:31 PM

I decided to start this thread because I didn't see an active thread about manic depression aka bipolar disorder.

This is basically me venting my problems and hoping to get some release from just getting it out of my system.

Am I starting to cycle?

That is the question that is on my mind. Those of you who have this problem know what I'm talking about, those who don't will either speculate or furrow your brows and wonder what the hell I'm talking about. Basically I'm worried that I will emerge from the bottom of my depression cycle in a fluster of random racing thoughts over which I have little to know control. If this happens these jumbled thoughts running a mile a minute will probably lead me off on an irrational, implusive, and likely delusional tangent from which it may take me weeks or longer to recover.

Why am I worried? Well I'm starting to see some of the tell-tale signs of it happening.

First, I'm becoming aware of my depression. It's hard to say when you're depressed if it's always like that or just right now seems that way; either way right now I'm realizing that my life's been pretty much in a stall for the last 8 months or so. I don't have the room, nor likely does whoever's reading this have the attention span to hear this details of this right now, but suffice it to say that over that time I have pretty much accomplished, and for the most part done, nothing.

The depression by itself would not be enough cause for me to worry. The next thing I'm noticing is changes in my sleep pattern. I may sound boring or like an old person, but with manic depression it is very important to get a good amount of sleep. There's been times when I was manic that I didn't sleep for days, and not for lack of trying. One thing for certain is that extended sleep deprevation can set me off. Recently I've started waking up a lot in the middle of the night. On top of that, from my usual 8 hours or so of sleep I'm down to averaging 5 or 6 a night. Waking up in the middle of the night means that I'm not getting the deep sleep I need. On top of that I've been having a lot of weird dreams when I do sleep.

Lastly, as I lie in bed exhausted but unable to sleep, I begin to ponder making drastic changes in my life. Seems like a good idea, right? Very proactive -- identify that there are many things that need to change, then take the initiative and fix them. Sounds so good on paper. However, I've been here enough times to know that it's a trap. I'll talk to my family and friends about everything that I'm going to do to fix my life. I'll tell them all about how I've been doing things wroung and now I'm going to change them. I'll quit drinking and smoking weed; I'll go out and find a real job; I'll fix my car, pay my taxes, maybe even get a haircut. I will start all this and I'll be excited about it, in fact I'll be happier than anyones seen me in a long time. I'll start believing in God and going to church. It sounds so good, even as I type this it sounds so fucking good.

But then it will happen. I could be content to stay at that level, but I can't. I will continue to rise, my excitement will turn into hysteria. Maybe I'll figure out whats wrong with the world and how to fix it. Maybe God will start sending me messages and I'll become a new prophet. Maybe I'll pick up on the hidden meanings in what everyone's been saying to me. I won't be able to concentrate. Reading a book and comprehending it will be next to impossible... to many hidden messages. Every conversation will move to the same topic, if only in my head. The worst part... I will have no earthly idea that it's all in my head. The mere suggestion of that would be ludacris, obvious by someone who doesn't understand. Regardless of how I think I'm thinking, it will be months, maybe longer, before my mind returns to normal.

Ok, I think I'm done now. Just like the song lyrics, it's a frustraing mess.

I don't know what I'm looking for with this thread. Maybe just for someone to identify with me, maybe for a new suggestion that I haven't considered; something that will actually help.

Kudos to those who have endured my ranted and read this far. Now I'm going to try to get some sleep.

08-11-2004, 09:31 PM	#1 (permalink)
Meier_Link Psycho Location: in a state of confusion	Manic Depression's a frustrating mess I decided to start this thread because I didn't see an active thread about manic depression aka bipolar disorder. This is basically me venting my problems and hoping to get some release from just getting it out of my system. Am I starting to cycle? That is the question that is on my mind. Those of you who have this problem know what I'm talking about, those who don't will either speculate or furrow your brows and wonder what the hell I'm talking about. Basically I'm worried that I will emerge from the bottom of my depression cycle in a fluster of random racing thoughts over which I have little to know control. If this happens these jumbled thoughts running a mile a minute will probably lead me off on an irrational, implusive, and likely delusional tangent from which it may take me weeks or longer to recover. Why am I worried? Well I'm starting to see some of the tell-tale signs of it happening. First, I'm becoming aware of my depression. It's hard to say when you're depressed if it's always like that or just right now seems that way; either way right now I'm realizing that my life's been pretty much in a stall for the last 8 months or so. I don't have the room, nor likely does whoever's reading this have the attention span to hear this details of this right now, but suffice it to say that over that time I have pretty much accomplished, and for the most part done, nothing. The depression by itself would not be enough cause for me to worry. The next thing I'm noticing is changes in my sleep pattern. I may sound boring or like an old person, but with manic depression it is very important to get a good amount of sleep. There's been times when I was manic that I didn't sleep for days, and not for lack of trying. One thing for certain is that extended sleep deprevation can set me off. Recently I've started waking up a lot in the middle of the night. On top of that, from my usual 8 hours or so of sleep I'm down to averaging 5 or 6 a night. Waking up in the middle of the night means that I'm not getting the deep sleep I need. On top of that I've been having a lot of weird dreams when I do sleep. Lastly, as I lie in bed exhausted but unable to sleep, I begin to ponder making drastic changes in my life. Seems like a good idea, right? Very proactive -- identify that there are many things that need to change, then take the initiative and fix them. Sounds so good on paper. However, I've been here enough times to know that it's a trap. I'll talk to my family and friends about everything that I'm going to do to fix my life. I'll tell them all about how I've been doing things wroung and now I'm going to change them. I'll quit drinking and smoking weed; I'll go out and find a real job; I'll fix my car, pay my taxes, maybe even get a haircut. I will start all this and I'll be excited about it, in fact I'll be happier than anyones seen me in a long time. I'll start believing in God and going to church. It sounds so good, even as I type this it sounds so fucking good. But then it will happen. I could be content to stay at that level, but I can't. I will continue to rise, my excitement will turn into hysteria. Maybe I'll figure out whats wrong with the world and how to fix it. Maybe God will start sending me messages and I'll become a new prophet. Maybe I'll pick up on the hidden meanings in what everyone's been saying to me. I won't be able to concentrate. Reading a book and comprehending it will be next to impossible... to many hidden messages. Every conversation will move to the same topic, if only in my head. The worst part... I will have no earthly idea that it's all in my head. The mere suggestion of that would be ludacris, obvious by someone who doesn't understand. Regardless of how I think I'm thinking, it will be months, maybe longer, before my mind returns to normal. Ok, I think I'm done now. Just like the song lyrics, it's a frustraing mess. I don't know what I'm looking for with this thread. Maybe just for someone to identify with me, maybe for a new suggestion that I haven't considered; something that will actually help. Kudos to those who have endured my ranted and read this far. Now I'm going to try to get some sleep.