quadro2000

I need some advice on how to get through a potentially sticky situation.

Quadrette and I are getting married in October. Long story short, I’m traditional (as is my family) and she’s not (as is her family). To oversimplify, if she had her way, we’d elope, and if I had my way, we’d have a big fancy-ass party. Neither of us are getting our way. We’re trying to meet in the middle, although admittedly it’s more towards my way since both sides can at least deal with that, as opposed to my side (and me) just not being able to deal with eloping at all. But I digress. So our differing opinions create all sorts of wacky fun issues.

Issue du jour is the traditional dances. There are usually three, right? The couples dance to their wedding song. The bride and her father dance. The groom and his mother dance.

Quadrette doesn’t want any of these. She’s fine with us actually dancing, but doesn’t want the band leader making the announcement of “and now Quadro and Quadrette will dance their first dance” and then everybody watching us dance for at least the first verse or two. Whereas, I have always thought about that moment, and really want it and think we deserve it. (Aren’t I such a GIRL?)

This isn’t really the big issue. The issue is with the parent dances. Quadrette doesn’t want them for two reasons.

1) Her father died ~19 years ago when she was seven years old. It’s not something she treats as a big deal from day-to-day, but she feels that if I have that dance, then it makes it really obvious to everybody that she doesn’t have a father, and that will make her, her family, and everybody else feel bad.

2) The ceremony thing. She just thinks it’s hokey and cheesy and lame to do the traditional announcement of the dances.

Personally, I can totally understand where she’s coming from. Quadrette and I discussed it casually a few months ago and, not thinking, I told her it was fine, whatever she wanted was okay.

But my mother – well, it’s always been a dream of hers (I guess like me) to have that dance. She spoke to me about it the other day, and said that she knows that Jess doesn’t have a father, but having that moment to dance with me is really important to her. (My mom and I are really close.) We’re a traditional family, this is the way we’ve always seen it done, and she’s always wanted that moment for her own. And if it’s important to her, it’s important to me.

I did something stupid. Long story short, on that day, my mother was in the hospital, about to get a CT scan, and we were making small talk about the wedding to take her mind off of it, and when she mentioned how important it was to her, I just said yes, not remembering the conversation I had with Quadrette. I just kinda wanted to make my mom feel better and said yes without thinking or even remembering the conversation Quadrette and I had had a few months prior.

So when I mentioned that to Quadrette, she got really upset. With good reason. I ignored her wishes (not intentionally) and told my mother she could have the dance. I didn’t really think it was going to be that big of a deal to Quadrette.

So now we’re both at a loss on what to do. As usual, I’m in the middle here, and I’m the one who looks like the bad guy either way. Quadrette offered to talk to my mom about it. We compromised and said that she should talk to my mom about it, but I’d be right there to support her. I know that when it comes to siding with your mother or with your future wife, you’re supposed to go with your wife, and if it’s that important to Quadrette, then I want to support her. But we’re trying to find a way to make a compromise. For some reason, I think just dancing with my mother, like with everybody else dancing and not more special than any other dance, is going to upset her. I mentioned that Quadrette could dance with her mom instead, or maybe her brother. She didn’t like that idea, saying that neither of them were big on ceremony either and wouldn’t want to do it.

We’ve agreed to wait a little bit before having this talk with my mother. First, we have a bunch of weddings coming up, and Quadrette agreed with me when I told her that maybe her memories of the moment (at other weddings) being “hokey” weren’t accurate. So we’ll look at some other weddings and see how they do it, and we’ll see if she feels any differently.

Last week my mother asked if I had asked Quadrette about it. I lied and told her that while we hadn't really talked about it, I sensed it was going to be an issue (mainly citing the dad reason, not the hokey reason). My mother reiterated how important it was to her. I told her I'd talk to her and let her know. I lied because honestly, at that moment, I wasn't ready to discuss it - certainly not without Quadrette there.

But are there any other options that I’m missing? What would you do in this situation?

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Cynthetiq

too biased to answer without it being so flippant.

but here goes...

do the dance with your mother... it's just a special moment for the two of you. that's it. finished.

it means something to both of you so do it for both of you. it doesn't have to be so overstated, but start off the dance, and move on.

ShaniFaye

1st, its going to be very obvious that she doesnt have a father when he isnt walking her down the aisle (I really dont mean that to sound as crass as it does I promise)

2nd Do the dance with your mother...nothing says you HAVE to do all three...if it means something to you and your mom DO IT, when its KNOWN to mean as much as it obviously does to you and your mother and you're still asked not to do it, I dont think thats very fair. Skip the other two dances if you must. I think thats certainly a very fair compromise on the situation.

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maleficent

The dance with your mom will take a few moments. Dance with Quadrette next...

For a few moments, it's not worth the resentment that it might cause.

Quadrette is already stealing her baby -- Quadrette is not going to want to put herself in the position of saying, that your mom can't dance with her baby...

I understand where Q's coming from on the lack of tradition...and it is her wedding.... but it's your wedding too.. you don't want to start off a lifetime with anger over something as trivial (though not to the parties involved) as a dance.

Dance with your momma...

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lurkette

Man, I feel for you. Ack.

I totally understand Jess's disdain for tradition, and our own wedding was as untraditional as we could convince our families to let us be. But as I get older (putting on "voice of wisdom" hat) I can see the value of a bit of ceremony.

As much as most couples today think of the wedding as "their day," it's really not just or even primarily about celebrating the couple, it's about announcing your commitment to a community of people who care about you. It's a promise to them as much as it's a promise to each other.

If this dance is important to your mother, go ahead and do it. But do it in a way that Jess can live with. Bend tradition enough to accommodate her wishes. Tell her how much this means to your mom, and that you understand her objections, but is there some creative solution that the two of you could come up with that would satisfy Jess? Like have your dance with Jess, then dance with your mom, then dance with HER mom or something. You two are creative people, you can come up with something. Your mom might have to live with something that's a little different than what she's seen and dreamed of, but I trust you guys to come up with some way of making her feel special without making Jess uncomfortable.

Good luck, hon!

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ratbastid

Wuss!

Just kidding.

Here's one place to look: Mayve she could do her dance with your dad. She's gaining a father on this day too. He's not a substitute for her own father, of course, but having her have her dance with your dad will symbolize her joining your family, everyone becoming part of each others' lives.

I dunno. It's a thought. Probably not a great one...

This is the worst side of weddings--the godawful balancing act that's necessary to keep everybody happy and have everybody be peaceful and fine with everything. Everyone loses sight of what the event is really about, and it becomes a pissing contest over whose dress gets worn and who got to choose the food and who else gets their own petty little shit.

There's this whole wonderful, amazing, great side to weddings too. Don't get me wrong about that. This is just the part that rankles me about it.

Glava

Is Jess Quadrette's middle name?

quadro2000

Heh. Listen, it's enough that I can get up in the morning and put my undies on straight. I can't be expected to remember when to use a real name and when to use an online name.

BTW, thanks for the advice thus far, everybody. I'm going to wait until we've attended one more wedding before I bring it up again. Time sometimes helps things.

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THGL

This isn't your mother's reception, it's yours and your bride's. I'd suggest listening to your fiance and not have the "official" dances, but she needs to understand your side of it and let you and your mother cut the rug.

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The Phenomenon

How about still dancing with your mother in the middle of things instead of just after your first dance? I think thats not a bad cmpromise. Just do a normal dance with her instead of the 'special' one.

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'47Geezer

My unmarried daughter and I were discussing the father-daughter dance a couple of weeks ago. She's trying to talk me into doing the Time Warp. You think you've got problems? Last time I did it, the pelvic thrust drove me insane. Good luck with your decision. For my money, dance with your Mom. If your intended is as atraditional as you say, she should be able to accept it. Do I sense some budding MIL-DIL friction here?

la petite moi

Well, I don't know if my advice will help, but...
Compromise is definitely something she will need to understand once you're married. If this is your dream, she needs to realise it, just for you. It's a once-in-a-lifetime chance.

-Do the traditional groom/bride dance.
-Explain to Quadrette how important the mother/groom dance is to you, and how important it is to your mother. I don't think either of you want to estrange your side of the family. A wedding is a family affair, isn't it?
-If Quadrette is upset about the fact that she does not have a father, ask if she would feel comfortable dancing with YOUR father, as he will be her father-in-law in the future, anyway.
-If she is not comfortable with your father, ask if she would be okay with her brother or male relative.

Explain to Quadrette how important this day is to you. It is a one-day affair, and it wouldn't hurt her to go along with it. However, you better be ready to do her a big favour, as well.

Redlemon

Who is walking Quadrette down the aisle, or is that part out of the ceremony?

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quadro2000

Thanks for all this advice; it has been really helpful. Quadrette knows that I posted here; so in a week or so, when we have to really have this conversation definitively, I'm going to show her everybody's suggestions/thoughts.

Her brother is going to walk her down the aisle. I've suggested her brother, I think, but I think she's said that her family really isn't into the whole "showy" aspect of the dance.

Yes, you do - only in these cases of traditional v. non-traditional. It's something that I'm trying to get both of them to understand, and find a middle ground...of course, I'm in the middle.

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You have to laugh at yourself...because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't. - Emily Saliers