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Man, I feel for you. Ack.
I totally understand Jess's disdain for tradition, and our own wedding was as untraditional as we could convince our families to let us be. But as I get older (putting on "voice of wisdom" hat) I can see the value of a bit of ceremony.
As much as most couples today think of the wedding as "their day," it's really not just or even primarily about celebrating the couple, it's about announcing your commitment to a community of people who care about you. It's a promise to them as much as it's a promise to each other.
If this dance is important to your mother, go ahead and do it. But do it in a way that Jess can live with. Bend tradition enough to accommodate her wishes. Tell her how much this means to your mom, and that you understand her objections, but is there some creative solution that the two of you could come up with that would satisfy Jess? Like have your dance with Jess, then dance with your mom, then dance with HER mom or something. You two are creative people, you can come up with something. Your mom might have to live with something that's a little different than what she's seen and dreamed of, but I trust you guys to come up with some way of making her feel special without making Jess uncomfortable.
Good luck, hon!
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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."
- Anatole France
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