quadro2000

I need some advice on how to get through a potentially sticky situation.

Quadrette and I are getting married in October. Long story short, I’m traditional (as is my family) and she’s not (as is her family). To oversimplify, if she had her way, we’d elope, and if I had my way, we’d have a big fancy-ass party. Neither of us are getting our way. We’re trying to meet in the middle, although admittedly it’s more towards my way since both sides can at least deal with that, as opposed to my side (and me) just not being able to deal with eloping at all. But I digress. So our differing opinions create all sorts of wacky fun issues.

Issue du jour is the traditional dances. There are usually three, right? The couples dance to their wedding song. The bride and her father dance. The groom and his mother dance.

Quadrette doesn’t want any of these. She’s fine with us actually dancing, but doesn’t want the band leader making the announcement of “and now Quadro and Quadrette will dance their first dance” and then everybody watching us dance for at least the first verse or two. Whereas, I have always thought about that moment, and really want it and think we deserve it. (Aren’t I such a GIRL?)

This isn’t really the big issue. The issue is with the parent dances. Quadrette doesn’t want them for two reasons.

1) Her father died ~19 years ago when she was seven years old. It’s not something she treats as a big deal from day-to-day, but she feels that if I have that dance, then it makes it really obvious to everybody that she doesn’t have a father, and that will make her, her family, and everybody else feel bad.

2) The ceremony thing. She just thinks it’s hokey and cheesy and lame to do the traditional announcement of the dances.

Personally, I can totally understand where she’s coming from. Quadrette and I discussed it casually a few months ago and, not thinking, I told her it was fine, whatever she wanted was okay.

But my mother – well, it’s always been a dream of hers (I guess like me) to have that dance. She spoke to me about it the other day, and said that she knows that Jess doesn’t have a father, but having that moment to dance with me is really important to her. (My mom and I are really close.) We’re a traditional family, this is the way we’ve always seen it done, and she’s always wanted that moment for her own. And if it’s important to her, it’s important to me.

I did something stupid. Long story short, on that day, my mother was in the hospital, about to get a CT scan, and we were making small talk about the wedding to take her mind off of it, and when she mentioned how important it was to her, I just said yes, not remembering the conversation I had with Quadrette. I just kinda wanted to make my mom feel better and said yes without thinking or even remembering the conversation Quadrette and I had had a few months prior.

So when I mentioned that to Quadrette, she got really upset. With good reason. I ignored her wishes (not intentionally) and told my mother she could have the dance. I didn’t really think it was going to be that big of a deal to Quadrette.

So now we’re both at a loss on what to do. As usual, I’m in the middle here, and I’m the one who looks like the bad guy either way. Quadrette offered to talk to my mom about it. We compromised and said that she should talk to my mom about it, but I’d be right there to support her. I know that when it comes to siding with your mother or with your future wife, you’re supposed to go with your wife, and if it’s that important to Quadrette, then I want to support her. But we’re trying to find a way to make a compromise. For some reason, I think just dancing with my mother, like with everybody else dancing and not more special than any other dance, is going to upset her. I mentioned that Quadrette could dance with her mom instead, or maybe her brother. She didn’t like that idea, saying that neither of them were big on ceremony either and wouldn’t want to do it.

We’ve agreed to wait a little bit before having this talk with my mother. First, we have a bunch of weddings coming up, and Quadrette agreed with me when I told her that maybe her memories of the moment (at other weddings) being “hokey” weren’t accurate. So we’ll look at some other weddings and see how they do it, and we’ll see if she feels any differently.

Last week my mother asked if I had asked Quadrette about it. I lied and told her that while we hadn't really talked about it, I sensed it was going to be an issue (mainly citing the dad reason, not the hokey reason). My mother reiterated how important it was to her. I told her I'd talk to her and let her know. I lied because honestly, at that moment, I wasn't ready to discuss it - certainly not without Quadrette there.

But are there any other options that I’m missing? What would you do in this situation?

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You have to laugh at yourself...because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't. - Emily Saliers