Friends refusing to use their brains - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

RelaX · 09-17-2003, 01:18 AM

What do you do with friends that have a good head on their shoulder but simply refuse to use it?
The girlfriend of one of my closest friends snoozed through high school, then tried one year of 'Tourism' at college, but she hated it so she quit.
That was a year ago and now she's been working at a bakery store full time and I have the sneaking suspicion that she intends on marrying my friend and living of his money.
Everybody keeps telling her to go to college while she still has the time so she can make what she's worth but she doesn't seem to have any interest in college and changes the subject as soon as it comes up.
The friend himself has already told her that like hell is he goanna support her staying at home, she'd have to contribute.
Has anyone ever had any experiance with this? Has anyone ever BEEN in a situation as the girl in question and regretted it later... or perhaps not?

It's not supposed to be my problem off course, but I hate to see a friend waste her godgiven talents while others would kill to be in her position.

i8one2 · 09-17-2003, 02:47 AM

That was me in a nut shell, after a year or two, I saw my Friends moving on and doing things I could only dream of at the time, I realized it was now time to maybe do something productive with my life. Let her know that education and increasing her knowledge is one of the few things that can never be taken from her.
Encourage her to use your talents. Say if shes an artist, go to an exhibition, have her meet people that are in that field.
Find out what motivates her and give her a kick in that direction.

It helped me.
I had friends like you, and with there encouragement and wanting me to be better, I did..
Good luck

lurkette · 09-17-2003, 05:09 AM

Short of what i8one2 suggests - encouraging her to use her talents - there's not much you can do. You can tell her scary stories about middle-aged people living with regrets, but scary stories rarely work. Is it that she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, or that this IS what she wants to do with her life? Find out what her dreams are and help her see a way to realize them. That's a true friend.

Cynthetiq · 09-17-2003, 06:38 AM

*moved to tilted living*

one has to want...

my sister is at cross roads, she has her degree (i don't know in what I think Health services) anyways, she is thinking of now staying home and raising a family allowing just her husband to work. She never thought she would be making this choice.

I have been telling her, that if something happens to her husband, and she has to return to the workforce she will be starting over.

similar situation but yet canyons apart.

as I do with all my friends encourage, do not discourage, even slightly or jokingly.

anti fishstick · 09-17-2003, 11:14 AM

she has to choose this for herself. it doesn't seem like she wants to do anything with her life, which is sad. encouragement might help but the one who has ultimate say is herself. there are too many people like her and it bugs the crap out of me and i wish i could help them but you just gotta stay on the sidelines and let them figure it out.... while they stay on the sidelines of life =/

Rodney · 09-17-2003, 02:43 PM

There's always someone who just wants somebody else to take care of them. Keep talking to her, and maybe she'll grow out of it.

On the other hand, I've seen girls who were actually raised and programmed by their families to graduate high school, work for a couple of years, grab a husband, and pump out a kid. Not necessarily in that order, of course: tell the guy to _be sure_ to wear condoms, no matter whether she says she took her pill or not. That's a little ploy I've seen played out once or twice.

Thraeryn · 09-17-2003, 04:14 PM

I wish I'd gone to college, as I'm constantly hearing references to things that I know I've forgotten.

Like almost all of chemistry and physics, and nearly all of algebra II and trigonometry. I used to know them, and now they're just gone.

wry1 · 09-17-2003, 08:10 PM

Reality has its own way of catching up with people, and I'm sure that she'll be pimp-slapped by it soon enough.

It sounds like the guy in question is already aware of the possibilities inherent in a relationship with this girl, and isn't going to be falling for any of her crap....but she hasn't faced up to it yet.

Well, she'll either get the picture (with your help, as you obviously sound like a pretty good friend) or she won't and will be sorry.....

Cynthetiq · 09-18-2003, 05:32 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Thraeryn
I wish I'd gone to college, as I'm constantly hearing references to things that I know I've forgotten. Like almost all of chemistry and physics, and nearly all of algebra II and trigonometry. I used to know them, and now they're just gone.

as time goes on.. that all fades... sometimes once in a while... some bookworm friends of mine will start talking about those types of things... but it happens so far and few between. Heck I'm lucky I can still calculate tip...

NeumannU87 · 09-18-2003, 06:45 AM

Yeah that was pretty much my life for almost two and a half years. I supported her and treated her like a princess and bought her stuff and did everything she wanted. For a time, she didn't work at all, then she worked extremely part time for the rest of our relationship. She would always say "buy me these shoes!" or "buy me this shirt!" and I would because I was a sucka, but when I would come home with a new CD, or, heaven forbid, new musical equipment (I work in a music store - it's a disease) I would get a lecture on how irresponsible with my money I was, yadayada...but I took it because I loved her.

Then she started cheating on me with my singer and I found out about it. On an instant message she had stupidly saved on our computer. Buh-bye.

Anyway, your friend should FFIO and tell her to either get meaningful career with a future, go back to school, or to peace out. Letting someone you love go like that sucks, but it's your life. Don't sacrifice your own happiness for someone elses selfishness. It makes you miserable.

RoadRage · 09-20-2003, 01:16 PM

What is she going to do if hubby dies young? What if he's permanently disabled? What if he decides some young thing at work is more his style than she is? And what if any of things happens and it leaves her with children to raise by herself? She needs something to fall back on in case of disaster.

Once you point this out to her, if she still refuses to do anything with her mind, don't feel about it and don't give it a second thought. If she won't do something that's in her own best interests, there's nothing you can or should do to make her do it.

David2000 · 09-20-2003, 02:22 PM

I have a friend like that and he's considering joining the armed forces. That's a good bet for people who really want to make something of their life but don't have motivation/money/respect for authority to do it themselves. If that isn't really an option, they need to find what they're interested in and find some dedication to making themselves good at it and turning it into cash. Mostly though, people like this tend to find what they're looknig for and do settle down and find a job.

Don't let them get pregnant or get someone else pregnant! that fucks up everything!

ARTelevision · 09-20-2003, 02:25 PM

All my friends use their brains.

toxic515 · 09-21-2003, 02:40 PM

Friends who don't use their brains??? Hit them.. won't help THEM one bit, but it'll make you feel better... (I'm kidding!)

Cynthetiq · 09-21-2003, 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ARTelevision
All my friends use their brains.

I'd like to think that too... sometimes situations make thier judgement cloudy... so we have to leave them alone for a little while, but come running if they cry for help.

Semi-Normal · 09-22-2003, 02:58 AM

I've been/am in a similar situation. I'm fairly intelligent and did very well at school when I bothered to put any effort in, but I found it all very boring and slacked around for most of it. Still managed to pass Bursary (the final high school exams, required to get into a university before you're 20) and went on to begin an arts degree at university. Again, I didn't enjoy most of it, and therefore couldn't muster up any motivation to finish it. I withdrew halfway through my second year. I spent a few months on the unemplyoment benefit before waking up a bit and getting myself a job in a fast food joint. Spent a year there before having a serious think about where I was going with my life and deciding to get a real job. My job doesn't really require a lot upstairs, (or pay very well) but I'm enjoying it and to me that's all that matters.

Looking back I don't really regret anything except the few months I wasted on the dole, and perhaps going to university in the first place. (I only went because I didn't really know what else to do.) I just needed some time to grow up a bit more. Maybe your friend will also grow up a bit given some time.

09-17-2003, 01:18 AM	#1 (permalink)
RelaX Follower of Ner'Zhul Location: Netherlands	Friends refusing to use their brains What do you do with friends that have a good head on their shoulder but simply refuse to use it? The girlfriend of one of my closest friends snoozed through high school, then tried one year of 'Tourism' at college, but she hated it so she quit. That was a year ago and now she's been working at a bakery store full time and I have the sneaking suspicion that she intends on marrying my friend and living of his money. Everybody keeps telling her to go to college while she still has the time so she can make what she's worth but she doesn't seem to have any interest in college and changes the subject as soon as it comes up. The friend himself has already told her that like hell is he goanna support her staying at home, she'd have to contribute. Has anyone ever had any experiance with this? Has anyone ever BEEN in a situation as the girl in question and regretted it later... or perhaps not? It's not supposed to be my problem off course, but I hate to see a friend waste her godgiven talents while others would kill to be in her position. __________________ The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. - Nathaniel Borenstein

09-17-2003, 02:47 AM	#2 (permalink)
i8one2 COMPLETED and A TRAINER Location: BEAN_TOWN	That was me in a nut shell, after a year or two, I saw my Friends moving on and doing things I could only dream of at the time, I realized it was now time to maybe do something productive with my life. Let her know that education and increasing her knowledge is one of the few things that can never be taken from her. Encourage her to use your talents. Say if shes an artist, go to an exhibition, have her meet people that are in that field. Find out what motivates her and give her a kick in that direction. It helped me. I had friends like you, and with there encouragement and wanting me to be better, I did.. Good luck __________________ LEATHER, LATEX and LACE "SSC" "Nothing That Gives Pleasure is Bad" Quality is for those who know what they want and are at peace with what they have. "S/M is about emotion; the erotic tension between my impulse toward something and my resistance against it."-- Virginia Barker

09-17-2003, 05:09 AM	#3 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Short of what i8one2 suggests - encouraging her to use her talents - there's not much you can do. You can tell her scary stories about middle-aged people living with regrets, but scary stories rarely work. Is it that she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, or that this IS what she wants to do with her life? Find out what her dreams are and help her see a way to realize them. That's a true friend. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

09-17-2003, 06:38 AM	#4 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	moved to tilted living one has to want... my sister is at cross roads, she has her degree (i don't know in what I think Health services) anyways, she is thinking of now staying home and raising a family allowing just her husband to work. She never thought she would be making this choice. I have been telling her, that if something happens to her husband, and she has to return to the workforce she will be starting over. similar situation but yet canyons apart. as I do with all my friends encourage, do not discourage, even slightly or jokingly. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

09-17-2003, 11:14 AM	#5 (permalink)
anti fishstick Post-modernism meets Individualism AKA the Clash Location: oregon	she has to choose this for herself. it doesn't seem like she wants to do anything with her life, which is sad. encouragement might help but the one who has ultimate say is herself. there are too many people like her and it bugs the crap out of me and i wish i could help them but you just gotta stay on the sidelines and let them figure it out.... while they stay on the sidelines of life =/ __________________ And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anais Nin

09-17-2003, 02:43 PM	#6 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	There's always someone who just wants somebody else to take care of them. Keep talking to her, and maybe she'll grow out of it. On the other hand, I've seen girls who were actually raised and programmed by their families to graduate high school, work for a couple of years, grab a husband, and pump out a kid. Not necessarily in that order, of course: tell the guy to _be sure_ to wear condoms, no matter whether she says she took her pill or not. That's a little ploy I've seen played out once or twice.

09-17-2003, 04:14 PM	#7 (permalink)
Thraeryn Loser	I wish I'd gone to college, as I'm constantly hearing references to things that I know I've forgotten. Like almost all of chemistry and physics, and nearly all of algebra II and trigonometry. I used to know them, and now they're just gone.

09-17-2003, 08:10 PM	#8 (permalink)
wry1 Loser Location: Far too far from my Angel....	Reality has its own way of catching up with people, and I'm sure that she'll be pimp-slapped by it soon enough. It sounds like the guy in question is already aware of the possibilities inherent in a relationship with this girl, and isn't going to be falling for any of her crap....but she hasn't faced up to it yet. Well, she'll either get the picture (with your help, as you obviously sound like a pretty good friend) or she won't and will be sorry.....

09-18-2003, 06:45 AM	#10 (permalink)
NeumannU87 Upright Location: Rhode Island	Yeah that was pretty much my life for almost two and a half years. I supported her and treated her like a princess and bought her stuff and did everything she wanted. For a time, she didn't work at all, then she worked extremely part time for the rest of our relationship. She would always say "buy me these shoes!" or "buy me this shirt!" and I would because I was a sucka, but when I would come home with a new CD, or, heaven forbid, new musical equipment (I work in a music store - it's a disease) I would get a lecture on how irresponsible with my money I was, yadayada...but I took it because I loved her. Then she started cheating on me with my singer and I found out about it. On an instant message she had stupidly saved on our computer. Buh-bye. Anyway, your friend should FFIO and tell her to either get meaningful career with a future, go back to school, or to peace out. Letting someone you love go like that sucks, but it's your life. Don't sacrifice your own happiness for someone elses selfishness. It makes you miserable.

09-20-2003, 01:16 PM	#11 (permalink)
RoadRage Stay off the sidewalk! Location: Oklahoma City, OK	What is she going to do if hubby dies young? What if he's permanently disabled? What if he decides some young thing at work is more his style than she is? And what if any of things happens and it leaves her with children to raise by herself? She needs something to fall back on in case of disaster. Once you point this out to her, if she still refuses to do anything with her mind, don't feel about it and don't give it a second thought. If she won't do something that's in her own best interests, there's nothing you can or should do to make her do it. __________________ Join TFP Team SETI 43K workunits complete, 34 members, more of each needed.

09-20-2003, 02:22 PM	#12 (permalink)
David2000 Tilted Location: New Haven, CT	I have a friend like that and he's considering joining the armed forces. That's a good bet for people who really want to make something of their life but don't have motivation/money/respect for authority to do it themselves. If that isn't really an option, they need to find what they're interested in and find some dedication to making themselves good at it and turning it into cash. Mostly though, people like this tend to find what they're looknig for and do settle down and find a job. Don't let them get pregnant or get someone else pregnant! that fucks up everything! __________________ However livin' better now, Gucci sweater now..

09-20-2003, 02:25 PM	#13 (permalink)
ARTelevision I change Location: USA	All my friends use their brains. __________________ create evolution

09-21-2003, 02:40 PM	#14 (permalink)
toxic515 Addict Location: Texas	Friends who don't use their brains??? Hit them.. won't help THEM one bit, but it'll make you feel better... (I'm kidding!) __________________ Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

09-22-2003, 02:58 AM	#16 (permalink)
Semi-Normal Insane Location: Christchurch, New Zealand	I've been/am in a similar situation. I'm fairly intelligent and did very well at school when I bothered to put any effort in, but I found it all very boring and slacked around for most of it. Still managed to pass Bursary (the final high school exams, required to get into a university before you're 20) and went on to begin an arts degree at university. Again, I didn't enjoy most of it, and therefore couldn't muster up any motivation to finish it. I withdrew halfway through my second year. I spent a few months on the unemplyoment benefit before waking up a bit and getting myself a job in a fast food joint. Spent a year there before having a serious think about where I was going with my life and deciding to get a real job. My job doesn't really require a lot upstairs, (or pay very well) but I'm enjoying it and to me that's all that matters. Looking back I don't really regret anything except the few months I wasted on the dole, and perhaps going to university in the first place. (I only went because I didn't really know what else to do.) I just needed some time to grow up a bit more. Maybe your friend will also grow up a bit given some time. __________________ I'm not lazy, I'm "motivationally challenged."