lafemmefatale

What is it? Do they embarrass you? Control you? Illogical and unfair at best? Did they divorce and leave you traumatized [not taken lightly of course]? Or was it something atrocious like abuse? Do you wish they were smarter, dumber, cooler, hotter[um...], richer, poorer, etc etc?

Mine?
I love my parents deeply and we get along usually, but when it comes to what I want to do with my life academically and professionally, it's really ridiculous to even talk about it. It may be because I'm an only child [not spoilt though...I think/hope] but here they are, expecting me to go to harvard on a scholarship and graduate with a medical degree in a yr and win the nobel prize, but all I really want to do is get through university and land myself a job and take it day by day. Money and security are not my major concerns. There are things i want to own but it's not that significant, nor do i want to spend my life never having to worry, security breeds laziness imo. It seems like a small deal, and everyone has a prob like this but it embitters me sometimes and every month or so I have a monstrous fight with my mom about it. [it goes deeper than that, but that's the basic problem]

So. How about you guys?

guthmund

I used to have big problems with my parents, especially my father. I held a lot of anger for a lot of years. Somewhere along the line though, I realized that my folks (for all the good and the bad) were pretty good parents, all in all. I also realized that they're real people.

People mess up, sometimes. Seeing my folks with a new perspective helped me to realize that the anger I had held on to for so long, was pointless and unfounded.

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Jackebear

Took my 35 years to realize my old man was/is one of the smartest people I know. Now we get along a lot better and I will be able to proceed in life with no regrets in that department.

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Life's jounney is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn-out shouting, "Holy sh*t! What a ride!" - unknown

Sledge

We're very much alike, except they're hardcore Christians and I'm an atheist. Not that I've told them; they'd wig. There's nothing worse you can do to Christian parents than to leave the faith.

Leviathan[NCV]

I try not to blame others for my problems, wether its their fault or not. Including my parents.

lurkette

I think one of the biggest milestones on the road to maturity is learning to live for yourself and not for your parents. Wanting their approval is natural, but at some point you have to become your own person. I think another milestone is realizing that no matter what your parents have ever done or said, they love you and did the best they could.

And kudos to you, Leviathan, for being so responsible! It's so tempting to blame everything that's wrong in your life on parents. We kind of forget that we were active agents in our own lives, even as children.

I forgave my parents for everything they ever did a few years ago, and took responsibility for my own self, and we now have a really close relationship. They still do things that annoy me sometimes, but I feel like I can talk to them about it like adults instead of being petulant.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

mattevil

yeah i have serious problems with my mom. she's a drug addict and is basically making my whole family miserable. I've taken her to help(AA,NA, counseling) and she'll get better for a while and revert back to her old ways. I'm in college now so at least i don't live in that atmosphere anymore but i worry about my 11 year old brother (who my mom drives to school)and my dad(who's had an irregular heartbeat recently). I really don't need the stress of this in my beginning years of college especially after i've tried to help her. Not to mention my dad wants a divorce but really can't afford it (he's a doctor so this could hurt his business ,i'm in collegeand we just built a house).

mattevil

wow i pour my soul out and i kill the thread!

lurkette

Jeez matt, that's a load for you to carry! I know you're not asking for advice or anything, but have you considered having an intervention and having your mom check into a residential treatment facility? I know treatment hasn't "stuck" before but maybe if you make it really clear how miserable she's making everyone...I'm sure you've tried everything you know, I am just hoping somehow something would work so you can get what you need to take care of yourself.

Just know that there are a lot of us here who are willing to listen. PM me anytime you like, and take care of yourself!

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

mattevil

thanks for replying i feel better now getting that off my chest.It's not exactly the type of thing you can complain to people about unless its anonymous like this.

mattevil

anybody else got something? i dont want to be thread jacker.

Semi-Normal

I used to have the occasional fight with my mum, but certainly no more than usual for a teenager, possibly even less than average. Ever since I left home I've gotten along much better with both her and my brother.

Dad was always funny in that he'd do his utmost to stay out of the arguments between my mother and I, except now and again when she'd get sick of him not taking her side and he'd say something along the lines of "your mum's right" to placate her and then do his best to go back to watching TV or whatever.

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I'm not lazy, I'm "motivationally challenged."

jimk

my folks got divorced during my sophomore year of college. really strange to have the parent team divided - now having to deal with them separately.

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raw power is a guaranteed o.d.

raw power is a laughin' at you & me

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Dano069

I found out last year, at age 40, that I was adopted. Both of my adoptive parents are dead. One died in '79, the other in '91. Why the rest of the family felt it needed to continue to keep the secret is beyond me. My older brother (different birth parents) also found out he was adopted. It's been a weird year so far.

I've been told that it was how that generation did things, but, I'm still a bit ticked off. I mean, I've found my birth mom but she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. What if they had told me after my adoptive mom died in '91? I think it would have made a difference in my birth mom's decision. I don't know. I do know I'm ticked though.

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ehehef

With me, a 30-year old only child (male), relations with my father over the past few months have been lousy, to say the least. I'm getting married soon and decided to move in with my fiancee, despite my father's wishes (he assumed I would move at the wedding).

Now he accuses me of "betraying" my family, not realizing how bad things would be, and basically doesn't want to see us, come to the wedding and have anything to do with us. He feels that after raising me for 30 years with family values, I turned my back on him and now doesn't call me, doesn't talk to me much when I go to visit them (once a week or less, my mother fortunately is fine with us and comes to visit often and talks to me daily). He is stubborn and behaving like a kid.

He might be "empty nesting" -- i was the "glue" that held the household together all my life. Or he might be overprotective again, worrying that my fiancee is pulling the strings. Maybe both. We may never know.

I've tried the "soft" approach, but now logic (and therapy) says that he needs to be shaken up, needs to feel he might lose me, in order to come to his senses. But just the thought of him not being there at my wedding -- one of the most important days in our life -- almost makes me fall apart. Our occasional discussions either turn into shouting matches, or with me in tears, unable to comprehend how things have turned out.

Any thoughts from anyone?

Carno

Nope. My parents are the best that I could ask for.

la petite moi

Both my parents physically abused me until I was 15 years old, and then a social worker put a stop to it. My dad blamed my sister and I for hurting my mother, saying that it was all our fault. My mother held a grudge against both of us (mostly my sister for telling the truth right away to the social worker) for a couple years after that, hardly ever talking to us, and when she did, it would be mostly verbal abuse. When I was around 14 or 15, my mom drove me to become anorexic with her constant reminders to me that I should 'lose five pounds' even when I was at the ideal weight. I still struggle with my image, though I don't starve myself.

Currently however...

My mother is a 55-year-old teenager that doesn't really care anymore that my sister is an academic failure (1.5 GPA) and trashes our room that we share (yes, my sister and I still share a room; whereas, my mother gets 2.5 rooms to herself, plus laundry room space). Now that she's a breast cancer survivor she is constantly whining about how fat she is, and how she needs to lose more weight (shes 5'2 and around 125 pounds...WHATEVER). She thinks the entire world revolves around her, basically, and talks about how shitty her marriage is. She curses ALL the time, and when I ask a simple question she'll talk on it for about thirty minutes (repeating herself constantly).

My dad works all the time and anytime I go anywhere, I get twenty questions.

My parents also want me to be perfect in everyway, but treat my achievements like nothing.

monkeysugar

Well, my parents have both done some pretty fucked up things. But then again, I'm no saint. The way I look at it, I may not have agreed with a lot of their choices, and don't appreciate being a pawn in their game at times, but shit, if it weren't for all of that I wouldn't be the person I am today. This is my feelings on my situation, nothing more, nothing less.

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I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

Janey

jeeze... i sure hope that they pay for your university. time to move out and live on your own, while they pay for it.

My parents basically made me work hard all through school. At the time i thought that they were too controlling, but i can see now that they wanted me to get into university. Now i have a good relationship, we treat each other as equal adults. especially now that I'm trying to get pregnant. they even paid me $$$ for a house downpayment....

la petite moi

They pay mostly for my community college right now. They give me plenty of money for learning and all that, but I have no space to myself (sharing room with sister). That's why I'm trying to graduate from community college a semester early and get the hell out. (Going to live with fiance and go to university with him)

BabySealClubber

The only thing that really bugs me about my parents is their phone calls. They have this extra-special way of calling when it is the most inoppurtune time. Such as while i am having sex, or am at 30 some odd feet above a stagefloor on scaffolding. They also seems to refuse to stop talking when I have to go. Other than that, no real beefs now that I am out of the house.

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I like my women like I like my coffee... in a sack tied to the back of a donkey

frogza

My Dad has been one of my heros for a long time. When I was fourteen he married my mom (so yes he's a stepdad, but he's been a better dad than any I know of, so I call him dad not stepdad) I could tell he loved my siblings and I from the start. He gave me a great example to follow and all the support and advice I ever needed. Recently I have been having a problem with him, my parents got divorced and he has been trying to buy our respect and love ever since. I'm happy with the phone calls and occasional visits, I don't need or want expensive presents. I wish he would realize that I will always see him as my dad, my mothers feelings don't dictate mine.

Jesus Pimp

1. My parents are born again christians. My mom is constantly shoving it down my throat when I go home. I really have an issue with their choice of religion. They used to be Buddhists.

2. All my life my parents never compliment me on anything I do or accomplished. They always point out the negatives.

3. My mom always compares me and my sister(we're pursing careers in various design fields) with the typical Asian kids who got better grades in school, went to the top colleges to be doctors and engineers, make tons of money etc.. The why can't you be like them syndrome. It really pisses me off.

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Never date anyone who doesn't make your dick hard.

la petite moi

Your parents sound like mine, except I'm not Asian. My mom is an athiest, and always openly ridicules Christians...which is so damn irritating. My parents don't compliment me until I say: WOW IM REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF NOW WOULD BE THE TIME TO COMPLIMENT ME. And even then, they have to say: Well, you did good, BUT...

Also, my mom has ALWAYS compared me to other people. "Why can't you play piano and teach young kids like Wendy did? You know, you should have a better personality and you'll go farther. You know, So-and-so's kid is going a very pretigious college; if you got better grades, so could you!" (Except I get very good grades...)

nowthen

i used to have a lot of problems with my parents. until i grew up and realised that they are just normal human beings with problems just like everybody else. they did the best they could, in their own way, to give me a good start in life - so i forgave them some of the bumps in the road along the way and now we get on much better.

and La Petite Moi, well i am sure i will get attacked for this, but you really need to stop going on and on about your parents. it comes up in almost thread, or seems like it. if you are so unhappy, why dont you move out? i did, and i was a lot younger than you are now.

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"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

George Bernard Shaw

Bodyhammer86

Probably because the school she's going to now is maybe a 10-15 drive from her house (That's how far the local community college I'm going to now is from my house) and there would be no point in moving out when she's going to transfer to a different school in another year.

Just my 2 cents.

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la petite moi

Exactly why (actually it's about 20-30 mn, but yeah). nowthen, if you've read my other threads, you'll know that I'm moving out in ten months. I don't want to waste the money I could have for my future. I just deal with it bitterly now. Trust me, when I'm in San Jose, I won't give a DAMN about my parents and will most likely not talk about them.

PS: This is the "Got a beef with your parents?" thread. Of course I'm going to say everything that bugs.

PPS: My mom is not a "normal human being." She is mentally disturbed. When she was younger, she tortured animals (beat her dog until she broke it's rib for getting into the trash once). She beat my sister and I for minor things like saying "butt" when I was around 8 years old. My dad has hit me so hard that I pissed my pants...twice. I'm sorry, but you don't just get over shit like that. I talk about it to get it out of my system. Once they are in the past (aka- I move out in ten months), things will be different, because I won't be reminded of their actions everytime I see their faces.

nowthen

yeah you deal with it "bitterly". but why put up with it just because it makes getting to school easier? thats all i am trying to say...

__________________

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

George Bernard Shaw

la petite moi

Because I'm moving out in ten months, and getting married in less than a year and a half. I need all the money I can get.

braisler

Ah, a wonderful vent-fest. I'll start off by saying that I am a pretty well adjusted guy now. I don't worry too much about what is in the past or blame any current problems on the way that I was raised etc. That said, I do look back on the things that my parents did and just shake my head and wonder how they could be so selfish.

My parents divorced when I was 8. My mom raised my brother and myself from then on, working some part-time jobs and scraping by on a very small child-support check from my father. At that time, I was too young to really understand the financial difficulty that she went through, but now I look back and wonder how she made it all work. I know that she sacrificed a lot personally to provide for my brother and myself. I have told her that now that I have grown up enough to reflect on it. My dad has always been very selfish, though I am pretty sure that he doesn't see himself that way. He has remarried to a selfish and needy woman, so they make a great pair.

The problem for me really came when I went to college. Both of my parents had remarried by this point and moved up in the financial aspect of things. Either one of them could have afforded to send me to school on their own, my dad more so that my mom, but really either one of them could have paid for the whole ride. BUT, the divorce decree (legally binding document) said that each parent would pay an equal amount for college tuition, living expenses, etc. So they had to split the expenses. But neither of them wanted to pay one cent more than the other party. So I was constantly required to report back to the other party if my mom gave me extra money for food, she wanted to make sure that I got a matching amount from my dad. And it was my reponsibility to make sure that this happened. It got to be a real tug-of-war between the parents and I was the rope.

It started even with my school selection. I was a pretty bright kid with good grades and great test scores. My dad encouraged me to apply to state schools so that he wouldn't have to foot the bill for private college. Not that I have anything against state schools. But I barely even had the choice. My dad even suggested that I attend the first two years at a community college just so the tuition would be cheaper. This is from a guy with a low 6 figure income in the late 80s.

During school, I would constantly hear complaints about how much my dad was sacrificing just to be able to send me to school. At this time they were paying for my tuition and sending me $200/month for living expense. My mom was matching that $200/month, so I had a massive income of $4800/year to live on. My rent for a shared apartment was $235, so you can guess that the money they gave me didn't go far. I ended up having to get part-time jobs to help with my living expenses. My grades suffered some when scheduling conflicts got in the way of attending class regularly. I scraped by.

During college, I had a crappy little Honda that I paid $500 dollars for that had rusted floorboards and would break down every fifth time I drove it anywhere. While I was in college for 4 years, my dad bought two brand-new cars trading in their cars which were only a few years old. I know that he only got a couple of thousand dollars off for the trade, but he never thought to offer if I wanted to have one of those cars, or even if I wanted to buy one of those cars.

Lots of people are probably thinking, why didn't you just get financial aid? Yeah, most of my friends were on aid during college. I didn't qualify because my parents made far too much money. Looking back, I should have just declared myself an independent and filed for aid on my own with no mention of parental support. But at the time my dad convinced me not to do that because he was still claiming me as a dependent on his income tax. I was too stupid to know any better then.

The final blow came when I graduated college. I didn't really care about walking for my graduation. Since it is a pretty big school, the graduation ceremony can take 3-4 hours. I just wanted the degree and to get out of there. But my dad and his wife were adamant that they really wanted to see me walk. So I agreed. I had to pay to rent the cap and gown, but they were gung-ho on it, so I figured, 'What the hey! I only graduate college once." Just before graduation, they call up to say how much they are looking forward to coming up to see the ceremony and that they have a big surprise for me. Alright! I'm thinking maybe they bought me something nice. A briefcase or something. Maybe just some cash to help me get started out. So they roll up on graduation day in a new minivan. Yep, that was their surprise for me. Now that they didn't have to support me through college they could finally afford to by yet another new car.

Ultimately, their selfishness and financial stupidity has taught me important financial lessons. I handle myself financially in exactly the opposite way from my dad and stepmom. They spend, I save. They buy new cars, I would never buy new. They have an income of over $150k, yet barely manage to save a little for retirement each year. I'm only 31 and I max out my retirement account each year.

Wow! That ended up being really, really long.

To summarize: My parents got divorced. I went to college. Selfish Dad wouldn't pay enough for college. Waaaaaa, Boo Hoo. I got over it. Now I am financially stronger because of it.

Ah, venting is good!

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You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
- Albert Einstein
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la petite moi

Wow braisler, their surprise was that THEY bought a new minivan for THEMSELVES?! Jesus, how selfish. At least you got something out of it. It's great to hear a success story.

Sawfmonkey

I have the older sibling syndrome in my family. My brother was perfect to my parents: 4.0, valedictorian in h.s., all state/all colorado swimming/football (was going to kick for CU but that girl got his tryout position...rrrrr....that's ok, he has med school interviews now). Anywho, smart kid and I was shoved into following in his footsteps. I think I've basically gotten away from that, but a lot of times I don't hear from my parents for weeks because they're fussing over his so much that they forget about me. Blah! Anywho, I also have an authoritarian parenting style mother. She's commanding and has the problem of "you are doing it because I say so". She still tries to do it while I'm in college and don't live with her. She's incredibly unreasonable and I can't get her to understand that she needs to explain her reasons for her decisions to me otherwise I don't understand and I get angry. I just can't get her to understand what she's doing (or not) though. Any suggestions? And yeah, I've sat her down numerous times and talked calmly, but it just doesn't seem to sink in!

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DJ Happy

I think that it's one of the weirdest moments in life when you start to look at your parents as human beings rather than as the 'rulers of the house.' When you start to realise that they have problems too, that they stress about things and that, amazingly, they are not perfect.

My parents are pretty cool. My Mom is a bit of a control freak and my Dad has problems opening up to people, but hey, as I said, they're human. But they were both very good to me when I was growing up (and now too).

Carno

Yeah, definitely. I remember that I started realizing that when I first left for college. It was pretty odd.

insidious_machinae

This message has been deleted.

braisler

Yeah, a minivan for themselves for my graduation. Eh. It shouldn't surprise me, it wasn't the first time they have done something like this.

Now I just look back on it and shake my head. They are still struggling along financially. My wife and I are leaps and bounds ahead of them financially... largely due to the lessons that I learned then.

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You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
- Albert Einstein
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insidious_machinae

This message has been deleted.

Grasshopper Green

I had a pretty rough childhood. My mom was a drug addict and alcoholic and slit her wrists in front of me, my brother, and my sister while cursing us to hell. We were 11, 13, and 9 at the time. My dad was (still is) very self absorbed and was pretty emotionally distant from us as children. He spent more time with his bicycles and bike buddies than he did with us. However, I have a good relationship with both my parents now. They are divorced (best thing they ever did) and my dad is remarried. His wife is self absorbed as well, they are two peas in a pod. My mom has cleaned up and goes to church every week and has told me countless times she is sorry for what we went through as children, and I always have to reassure her that I am ok, that I'm not mad at her or anything. She suffered horrific abuse as a child and I understand why she turned to drugs and alcohol to medicate herself. I don't blame any of my shortcomings or problems on them; I am my own person and make my own choices.

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Formerly Medusa

MSD

I just have to keep trying to explain to my mother that I'm 21, not 10, and that seeing the few friends at school who didn't graduate yet does not constitute a social life. There's also the fact that she's quite happy to see me commuting to college and probably would fight to keep me at home even if we did have the money for me to live at school up at the main campus.

I won't get started on the religion issue.