soma

Tonight my close friends are having a special together that I want to avoid because my ex will be there. I don't know how to tell my friends and make everything cool at the same time.

Backstory: My ex is this girl I've had a hard ass time getting over. She was quite easy on the eyes, and was super charismatic. She broke up with me about 4 years ago, so it's been a long time, but there is more to this story.

About a year ago, we saw each other at a party, and talked, we exchanged texts later, and eventually hung out. I thought things were going pretty cool, and maybe we'd be able to get back together, but I was just trying to play it cool.

One night we were planning to go see a movie together, and a day before we went, she texted me to pick her up and pay for her movie since she was considering it a date. I was like: "ok!" .

After the movie was over, I took her home and discovered she called the night a date just so she could get a ride and a free movie ticket. I was crushed, and super humiliated, and I just left without saying anything.

That was the last time I saw her, so even though this happened a year ago, there's no way I can be in the same room as her and be cool about everything.

Not all of my friends know about this, and the ones that do don't know how deeply this hurt. I don't know how I can tell my friends that I don't want to go without looking like a big baby. I mean, I know this is a little immature, but I just can't go tonight.

What should I do...

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Having Girl Problems?

zenda

Hi Soma

1: You don't have to give a reason for not going.

Then again.

2: "Lady x has unfinished business with me, and I do not want the evening to get spoilt by any uncoolness which might happen if I turn up." And you don't have to give further reason. You can just wish them a good time.



Off topic for tonight, but might become relevant for the future, given the is still in the same neighbourhood as you - here's part of your back story:
Could you walk through this "Discovered" part in more detail.
How did you discover this? What happened .... what would I have seen and heard if I were a fly on the wall?

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ZENDA

soma

Yeah sure I dropped her off, then came in for a bit (I don't remember why). Her sister was on the couch and when she saw me, she said something to my ex like: "Did you tell him that it wasn't a date tonight". And they both started laughing, and I was like oh...

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Having Girl Problems?

zenda

Thank you.



I don't think you are being a big baby if you stay away. Then again, given this situation, I'd not say it means you are a Warrior if you do attend.


If she's a regular member of this circle of people, then you will need to deal with it in some way. Some, and only some, examples include:

Continued avoidance of places she is likely to appear.
Self-numbing or 'getting over it' unilaterally, so you CAN be in places where she might appear, without you're crumbling or clamming up.
Getting so you CAN go, and be ready to give her brief statement of displeasure if she approaches you.
Getting so you and she can discuss what happened.

By the way ... how old is she and how old are you?

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ZENDA

soma

we're in our mid 20's

but yeah, she's friends with my friends, but not a usual which is good.

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Having Girl Problems?

zenda

OK. Mid 20's

hmmmm ... her sister having a laugh, in front of you, like that, and your ex joining in. And they are mid 20's. Sheesh. Sounds lame lame lame. Has your ex made ANY move toward subsequent talking-through or explanations? Had she shown any previous 'indicators' of what, from your description, sounds like willingness to engage in that kind of stuff.

I actually WANT it to be the case that she recognizes that she used you badly ... and that there may be some possibility of, at least, acknowledging something.

Obviously ... I don't know whether or not YOU had done stuff to irritate or otherwize piss her off.

Calling somethign a DATE ... ONLY to get free ride and free ticket sounds very, well, harsh.

I'm rambling.


You carry on thinking about whetehr or not to go ... and what 'state' you want to be whatever you choose.

Me, I'll close with reiterating that whatever you do about tonight, I don't think you are either a baby or a warrior. You're a guy working out what's the best course of action. Respect.



In that case, I think you'

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ZENDA

soma

She's kind of a princess. Doesn't see Amy problem with using a guy now and then. In her defense I don't think she's completely aware of the hurt she inflicted so acknowleding any wrong doing would be an unlikely thing for her to do. Well I've told my friends I can't go and that's how its going down tonight. Drinking some beers and surfing the net

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Having Girl Problems?

zenda

Thanks for that extra piece.

Well, beer and surfing
Beer and film-watching here, then bed soon. Past 1AM in England.

Have a good evening, Soma.

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ZENDA

Craven Morehead

There is no defense for her. Someday she'll get hers.

KirStang

The best revenge is living well. Cheers, mate.

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Plan9

Ya know, I haven't actually physically seen an ex since after I broke up with them (minus the necessary movement of stuff) in my entire life. Not once.

Really digging for an example where I ran into one in public or met up with one in some masturbatory Hallmark card moment. Nope.

I'm starting to see how this is a really good thing.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Hektore

It seems to be too late to help you with your original question but...

Why are you defending this chick?

She exploited you.
For money.

I suddenly recall there is a certain pejorative used to describe women who do that...I'm pretty sure 'princess' isn't it. At the very least she's manipulative, not charismatic. You should be grateful that you got to see the kind of person she really is before she dug even deeper. Avoiding her is giving her way more respect than she deserves.

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The advantage law is the best law in rugby, because it lets you ignore all the others for the good of the game.

Cimarron29414

Movie date with a cute ex: $20.00
Realizing she's a gold-digging, soulless cunt: priceless

Small price to pay. Others have paid millions.

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Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

snowy

Beyond the ex issues, Let This Be a Life Lesson to You:

If a girl presumes--or outright asks--for you to pay for the date, she isn't worth dating. Run, run away. In this Modern Age, women shouldn't presume that men are going to pay their way. Period.

The night I met my husband, I bought HIS drinks.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

soma

@zenda, a cold beer and my laptop wasn't a bad nite thanks
@Craven Morehead, Hektore, Yeah, the reason why i was putting up some extra facts in her defense is just so I can try to rationalize why someone would actually do something like this without feeling any remorse. Just trying to figure it out, not condone what she did. she's a heartless poop face
@KirStang, yes, I try... but she still is able to totally f up my mood without even trying
@snowy, yeah, i generally follow that rule, but with my ex, gosh i would have done many things for her. le sigh...

ok, its cool anyway, the night went on without a hitch and i got to enjoy a nice night with a cold beer. Not as stressful as i thought it would be

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Having Girl Problems?

Plan9

This thread needs UsTwo so bad it hurts my fillings.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Hektore

Well I'll be damned...

soma, Is this the same chick as this thread?

Because it looks like this relationship already got the UsTwo treatment.

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The advantage law is the best law in rugby, because it lets you ignore all the others for the good of the game.

Plan9

Thank you for the flashback, Hektore. I feel... better. Is this closure?

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Bonkai

Soma, you should've went nothing like having fun in front of an ex and showing them that you've moved on.

Toaster126

Don't make this about her. She is just some chick that hurt you and doesn't care.

Go to your friends party, ignore her, and if she tries to talk to you, be polite and leave the conversation if you don't want to talk.

She already got you paying for a movie with her manipulation... don't let her very presence ruin a good time out. This is about you, not her.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

genuinegirly

There are attractive women who are not manipulative and cruel.
You need to find them.
You will not find them by staying at home.
You most likely will not find them among your friends or her friends.
I recommend ditching the party and opting for someplace else entirely. Where, exactly, I'm not sure. Someplace where you're likely to find someone who is worth your time.

Then again, it would be even better if you found someone who was wonderful to enjoy the party with you.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Plan9

Soma, get thee to an online dating site ASAP. OKCupid.com and PlentyOfFish.com. Do it do it now get to the choppa.

If you don't make decent profiles in 72 hours I'm going to sing Elton John songs outside your front door until you give in.

This might not sound too threatening, but you haven't heard my version of Rocket Man. I assure you it's utterly horrific.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

soma

Yes, that would be the one.

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Having Girl Problems?