Anonymous Member

I just learned that my brother has admitted to molesting one of his daughters. He is now in jail. I am heartsick, and can't sleep. I have a daughter of my own and can't fathom what it would take to make me hurt her so. I am very angry and very sorry for the children. She has a twin sister, and a half-brother. I personally know how children share their pain.

Some background, I know he and at least two others of my siblings were molested/raped as children. I'm not sure my parents knew, but as a parent I don't know how they couldn't. Heads stuck too far into their bibles, I guess.

I can't justify his actions, but I also feel very bad for him too. It hurts.

Willravel

If I may suggest, you may want to speak to someone professionally about something like this. I'm sure with time you can work through this yourself, but it's always helpful to having someone to talk to, especially someone trained to help you in difficult times. Aside from that, be there for the kids as much as you can.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

ellie

He was old enough to know what he was doing was wrong. And right now, he's old enough to get help on his own. Those children however, were / are not. They need your love, support and attention much more than he does. Even though this happened to only one daughter, that you know of, all of those children have indeed been affected.

I'm so sorry this has happened to your family. It happened to mine too. We're still not over it and probably will never be, even though the event took place about 26 years ago. It's very traumatizing for all involved. Even though you weren't directly hurt in this incident, I wouldn't say getting help for yourself is a bad idea. Your loved ones were hurt by another trusted loved one. Plain and simple - this is fucked up. But know that no one can be expected to be a hero here, including yourself.

I wish you nothing but the best. And I'm still new, but I think you'll get a lot of support by continuing to vent in the thread you've created here.

levite

I'm so sorry you're having to face this!

First of all, let me second what Will has said: this would be an excellent time to speak to someone professionally about what's going on. Nobody should have to deal with anything this fucked up without proper psychological and emotional support. This is not just for your own benefit, but for the benefit of those around you as well. Chances are you'll have to step in as the uncle and help your brother's wife and kids try to pull their lives through this. In order to be able to do that for them, you can't be destroyed by this: and to avoid it eating you up inside, therapy is key. Don't be scared of it: embrace it.

Second of all, I also agree with Ellie: try to be there for your brother's family, and for your family. They will need you during this. Remember that you have needs, too, though, and take time for self-care. In addition to therapy, it might be worth taking a friend into your confidence, and/or perhaps a clergyperson if you have one. Don't be afraid to talk this out. And don't be afraid to confront whatever it brings up inside you. There is no one correct emotional response to a situation like this.

And third of all, you are going to need to begin working on how to balance how you deal with your brother. What he did is unforgivable, and yet he remains your brother, the father of your nieces and nephews. And though there is no excuse for what he has done, it is also likely that his actions probably stem from considerable psychological and emotional damage that he has suffered, which is deserving of pity.

One cannot coddle child molesters, of course, and yet at the same time, one cannot simply write off one's brother, no matter what he has done, especially considering the trauma that must have forged the internal processes that led him to something so terrible. Much will depend on how your brother deals with being discovered, arrested, and put in jail. If he takes the opportunities he will have for rigorous self-work and internal betterment of himself, then you must take that into consideration. And if not, that too must be considered. There is no one correct way to handle this situation, so you must carefully explore your options, your feelings, and your take on what happens.

Again, I'm just so sorry that this has happened. What an awful tragedy for your family.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Anonymous Member

Thanks for your replies, and know that they are taken seriously. My family is such a fragile thing to start with, and we are all so messed up, from the ground up, that it is hard to honestly address these things with them. There is so much anger and pain and fear in them, that reasonable conversation takes so much out of us. Parents in denial never helped, and I don't see that ending. I'm guessing that their upbringings were similar, in many ways.

If I can talk to him, I'm going to beg him to tell his daughter it was all his fault, that he was the one who did wrong, and that she is blameless. From experience though, I don't know if the child will believe it, but I'm hopeful. Therapy is something I believe in, and brutal honesty... I don't think I would have made it into adulthood, if I had lied to myself like my siblings have continued to do.

mixedmedia

This happened in my family, too.

Right now you and your family are immersed in intense emotion, as it should be. Measures have to be taken - that charges were pressed against him is good. The child needs to know that her family is there to take care of her and stand by her and that there are consequences for the things that were done to her.

But one thing I cannot stress enough, when the time is right - move on. Do not allow your niece, yourself or your family to dwell in a state of victimhood. These things happen. They happen a lot. And it is possible to heal and move on to life, love and laughter again. It will be there.

My best wishes to you all.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Cimarron29414

There is nothing I loathe more than a child molester. I can not imagine, considering my loathing, the conflict I would personally feel to find out a sibling was a molester. Having but a few sentences of the whole story, I'm already so upset about this thread, I doubt I will return to it. All I can say is that I am so sad that your family has had to endure this much pain for this many years. The only shining light I see is that the little girl's physical torture has ended. I wish someone would hurry up and invent internet hugs.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

zenda

My gut is with Cimarron, and I stand by Will, Ellie, Levite and Mixedmedia in their responses. So help me I do

You are feeling for your brother, as indeed you cannot not. Please add to your understandable empathy the following fact: There are men who have, as children, been abused - raped, and who, like in your family, have had it kept in the dark, yet have grown up to be adults who have refrained from echoing it onto THEIR children.
He chose to carry it differently from them.
In such families as yours, there are those who witnessed yet were dumb at the time, who, later in life, have, themselves acted out abusive behaviours. You have not done so. You have chosen to carry it differently from them. There is no guilt in you, and the virtue you carry is all yours.

In your topic title you wrote: "What the hell do I do" There will be much you can and will do ... and much that you cannot do and in those moments you may know fully how this, unlike the time of your childhood, is in the light, that there is much you are no longer carrying alone.

Bloody hell

Take care.

Zeraph

yikes, that's somewhat similar to my situation where my friend has been accused of child molestation. Except I'm fairly certain he's innocent. Read the thread for more info if you'd like.

I'd say focus on the children. Make sure they know it was not their fault. Make sure they know he is sick, just like a disease.

And I'm sorry, but I don't know if this will help or hinder, but he deserves to be in prison for what he did. If he can't control himself then he needs to be locked up. Don't feel sorry for him in that regard. Feel sorry for his childhood. Think of the child in him that was terribly abused. Morn that, not him in his adult state.

I think you should see a counselor about this. In a way this is just like losing your brother, in a way, worse than death.