Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - What the hell do I do? Family member doing monstrous thing.

levite · 01-10-2011, 11:49 PM

I'm so sorry you're having to face this!

First of all, let me second what Will has said: this would be an excellent time to speak to someone professionally about what's going on. Nobody should have to deal with anything this fucked up without proper psychological and emotional support. This is not just for your own benefit, but for the benefit of those around you as well. Chances are you'll have to step in as the uncle and help your brother's wife and kids try to pull their lives through this. In order to be able to do that for them, you can't be destroyed by this: and to avoid it eating you up inside, therapy is key. Don't be scared of it: embrace it.

Second of all, I also agree with Ellie: try to be there for your brother's family, and for your family. They will need you during this. Remember that you have needs, too, though, and take time for self-care. In addition to therapy, it might be worth taking a friend into your confidence, and/or perhaps a clergyperson if you have one. Don't be afraid to talk this out. And don't be afraid to confront whatever it brings up inside you. There is no one correct emotional response to a situation like this.

And third of all, you are going to need to begin working on how to balance how you deal with your brother. What he did is unforgivable, and yet he remains your brother, the father of your nieces and nephews. And though there is no excuse for what he has done, it is also likely that his actions probably stem from considerable psychological and emotional damage that he has suffered, which is deserving of pity.

One cannot coddle child molesters, of course, and yet at the same time, one cannot simply write off one's brother, no matter what he has done, especially considering the trauma that must have forged the internal processes that led him to something so terrible. Much will depend on how your brother deals with being discovered, arrested, and put in jail. If he takes the opportunities he will have for rigorous self-work and internal betterment of himself, then you must take that into consideration. And if not, that too must be considered. There is no one correct way to handle this situation, so you must carefully explore your options, your feelings, and your take on what happens.

Again, I'm just so sorry that this has happened. What an awful tragedy for your family.

01-10-2011, 11:49 PM	#4 (permalink)
levite Minion of Joss Location: The Windy City	I'm so sorry you're having to face this! First of all, let me second what Will has said: this would be an excellent time to speak to someone professionally about what's going on. Nobody should have to deal with anything this fucked up without proper psychological and emotional support. This is not just for your own benefit, but for the benefit of those around you as well. Chances are you'll have to step in as the uncle and help your brother's wife and kids try to pull their lives through this. In order to be able to do that for them, you can't be destroyed by this: and to avoid it eating you up inside, therapy is key. Don't be scared of it: embrace it. Second of all, I also agree with Ellie: try to be there for your brother's family, and for your family. They will need you during this. Remember that you have needs, too, though, and take time for self-care. In addition to therapy, it might be worth taking a friend into your confidence, and/or perhaps a clergyperson if you have one. Don't be afraid to talk this out. And don't be afraid to confront whatever it brings up inside you. There is no one correct emotional response to a situation like this. And third of all, you are going to need to begin working on how to balance how you deal with your brother. What he did is unforgivable, and yet he remains your brother, the father of your nieces and nephews. And though there is no excuse for what he has done, it is also likely that his actions probably stem from considerable psychological and emotional damage that he has suffered, which is deserving of pity. One cannot coddle child molesters, of course, and yet at the same time, one cannot simply write off one's brother, no matter what he has done, especially considering the trauma that must have forged the internal processes that led him to something so terrible. Much will depend on how your brother deals with being discovered, arrested, and put in jail. If he takes the opportunities he will have for rigorous self-work and internal betterment of himself, then you must take that into consideration. And if not, that too must be considered. There is no one correct way to handle this situation, so you must carefully explore your options, your feelings, and your take on what happens. Again, I'm just so sorry that this has happened. What an awful tragedy for your family. __________________ Dull sublunary lovers love, Whose soul is sense, cannot admit Absence, because it doth remove That thing which elemented it. (From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)