Tusko

i've never really had serious heartbreak before.

i know i could cerainly be worse, but i can't shake this persistent feeling of sadness, frustration, regret, betrayal etc.

the idea of loving another does not appeal to me right now, as my mind and heart are still wrapped around loving her and her ways. i can certainly see myself loving someone very much like her.

and as for sex, i've thought often about just random sex. i've slept with another (we were discussing being each others rebound/person to complain to and decided we should just bang) and i enjoyed it certainly, she's skillful and enthusiastic- but it was not love making.

i need some time to retune my libido back to voraciously pussy seeking, instead of in the love-making mentality.

i realize this is a pretty average, or at least common thing... but i still look back on the first girl i kissed with a bit of bittersweet memory- i don't know how this period (referring to the past 2-3 years we were together) will affect me down the road.


will i always feel a bit of sadness, frustration, regret, betrayal etc?

will i always be in love with her?

is it common to completely forget or release the mistakes from the past and have them have no baring on your future countenance?

will the idea of whatever jerkoff she's dating now, ejaculating inside of her ever stop bothering me?
like seriously, him busting loads in her (she just started taking the pill shortly before we broke up) makes me wanna bash my head against a wall.

do people ever reconcile these things with themselves? or is it just one of those things that you carry with you through life, a dark corner that comes out every now and again? i want someone in my life, but i don't want someone to be turned off my baggage.

KirStang

Your experiences will shape you, but they are not a death knell for who you will become.

Had a GF cheat on me with our boss. Wanted to hurt a lot of people, really badly. So I put a lot of space and time in between us. A couple of years later, I have come out ahead, and better, without her.

It's trite, but time heals all wounds. In times like these, you will need good friends and family to back you up. Seek out your support network and just hang out, or, pursue those hobbies you have been putting off.

Good luck.

Tusko

Time to get hella ripped is that a 6 pack?? Yes it is

Plan9

Oh, good... the cliche breakup advice has made its way into another generic-but-useful TFP thread! I was a little worried TFP wouldn't meme it up.

Check it out: Time does not heal all wounds. You heal your wounds by doing the right things to fix them. And wounds leave scars. Learn from the scars. Don't stare at them. And don't pick at them. Don't second guess how you got them. Don't use them as a crutch or to be a dick to other women.

And don't forget them.

...

Recovery? It's going to suck. And then it's going to get better. But only if you let it get better. Keep yourself moving forward.

Usual Doesn't-Help-the-Feeling-but-Works Super Cliche Advice:

- Cut all contact (including Facebook, cellphone, etc.) and know that there is no closure
- Hit the gym to avoid the sad sack slump (keep yourself busy in a productive manner)
- Focus on developing yourself, being happy by yourself (friends, hobbies, travel, sports)
- If you're into no strings attached sex w/ a friend-with-benefits, it may work for you
- Read the thousand posts on TFP similar to this one (including one of my first posts)

No, seriously, check out all the other posts about heartbroken guys that getting over a girl. You're totally not alone, bro.

...

Now, more specifically:

It'll fade if you let it. Avoid staring at old photos, going through holiday cards and that shoebox with all the dreams and memories shit. It'll eat your soul. It's guess it is okay to keep those things, but only if you're remembering good times, not emo limp-wrist stabbing yourself with the dagger of woe.

My advice would be to throw them out. Nothing is more liberating than taking a year's worth of pictures and tossing them.

The thing that you miss is never coming back. There really is no point to keeping old shit.

And that's okay. After being with various partners, I've refined my criteria for what I need (gotta have) and prefer. You need the mileage to know the road you wanna travel. Use this experience as a way to make sure your next partner is just as good, if not better, for you based on your needs.

But it doesn't have to be. When the generic advice is hit the gym, people often say it's for a physical release. Hardcore monkey lovin' is just as good, if not better (I'll take a nice hard fuck over the squat rack any day). I fail to see how "love making" and some horny crotch slamming are any different. The types of things you do before and afterward might be different (cuddling, talking about chores, etc.), but the act itself is kinda similar, in my experience. But I'm not down with Kama Sutra shit, I "come alive in the house that screams." As stated in that car sales comedy, ["Making love is fucking boring."]

Well, you should eventually look back and go, "Well, it was good while it lasted." That'll fade, too. More time and new things makes strangers of lovers.

Hopefully not. You'll put it on the shelf next to other things come and gone. Not to say that I don't miss some of my former partners, but it isn't causing "Love Hurts" to play whenever I enter the room. The ad nauseum advice is to use all this stuff to make a better you for yourself and for the next girl.

Not unless you're Leonard Shelby or some type of hardcore drug addict.

Natural feeling, but we don't own other people. Certainly not our intimate partners. I don't get the sexual jealously / ownership thing. I certainly hope my former lovers are getting railed in the alternate love canal all the time... because they like it. No point being a controlling dick (literally). It's okay to miss the sex. I miss the sex all the time. But some day soon you'll have, as our Lord and Savior UsTwo always says, "New Pussy."

Only you can fix yourself. You might think about your former lover in the future, but how you think about it will change.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Tusko

by love making, i didn't mean slow thrusting staring into each other's eyes listening to usher.
you can slap and bite and fuck and be loud and whatnot- it's just alot different when it's with someone you love.

what i meant was that the idea of fucking some random doesn't appeal to me nearly as much as fucking someone i love. at least, not now.



secondly, i don't see it as controlling. it's just an upsetting notion. certainly not verging on "dont sleep with other guys plz"
i think that's pretty understandable.

but yeah, thanks for invoking the "zzz this thread has been done before"

do you want people to post or not?

Plan9

Well, I did just dissect your entire post. Glad you focused on the important part, bro.

And I was ribbing the responses, not necessarily your OP (which I found to be good).

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Jetée

(How to open this response... Hm..?) There is something to be said about not letting your imagination hold dominance over you (or in other more cliched terms: run wild with fantasies of your ex dating Dwayne Wade). Sure, you'll be saddened by the potential prospects that the [recent] girl who has broken your heart has gotten over you since then, has moved onto the next relationship already, and could possibly be as contented now - thoughts begrudgingly moreso than - when she only had eyes for you. This is the natural course of social coupling, [as evidenced by the rough figure of 89% of all art and/or media has to do with this ONE constant in life] so there is reasonable reason why you should feel as though this will last forever (re: your feelings of loss).



This should be an inside-parenthenticals thought, but I'll say it plainly anyway: I should have summed this all up in sentence for your benefit, as well as our mutual convenience, so here is said synoptic reply to close: Live in the reality of the situation you are in right now, do not overthink things you have no way of shaping and/or knowing to be as dire as it was in your thought bubbles, and find the acceptable departure you can to bring comfort back into your life. (i.e. You will get over it if you put your mind in the right place, stop beating youself over hypothetical scenarios in which you cannot truly account for; she may be happier without you, maybe not, but the thing is, porbabily on your side, you will find happiness after her - perhaps over time you will still care for her, you might want to re-visit the notion of meeting her again - yet you cannot move forward unless you willingly decide to let go of what has you heartstrung.)

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Plan9

I'm totally digging your 89%, Jetee. Indeed.

And people move forward all the time with baggage. Scars and damage and all that good Henry Rollins stuff.

They get into new relationships and, wittingly or unwittingly, either hurt themselves or the other person.

Don't do that. If for no other reason than it is a huge waste of money.

/Sellout

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Nepenthes

In my experience, no. I do not dwell on it in my case as often when the event was new, but it is not a "healed wound" by any means. There are random things in life that will trigger old thoughts and feelings. The best I can do is to learn from it and live to be a good person.

Yes, it is.


There is some great advice already in this thread to help you through what you are dealing with right now. For emphasis, stay busy and hit the gym often.

Plan9

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Baraka_Guru

Tusko, be grateful.

I could have used Plan9's shortcut advice ten years ago. Listen to me: listen to him.

We've both been there.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

jewels

Mind blowing perfection in those responses, even from a female perspective. Keepers, for sure.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Plan9

There's hope for me yet?

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

jewels

But of course. There always was, ya know.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

amonkie

If nothing else... know that we're human. Some days will be easier than others. If you work at rebuilding a life that doesn't revolve around her, it helps. If there were specific things that caused it to end, take them to heart so that you can learn from them for next time.

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

keymaker

Hey guys this is great advice for me also. At age 49 I fell for a 39 year old woman who, after some really good stuff, informed me that her female roomate of 6 years was actually her committed lover and she needed to work on her relationship with her! Talk about feeling like an idiot!

Plan9 I have only been on here 1 day...but you are a riot dude! I really enjoy your posts.

jadangel

I know each of us have expierenced loss in some form or another....but each day does get a little better than the other. I lost the love of my life and thought I would never be happy again... After about a year of moping I decided I was ready to put myself out there. Then out of nowhere, Mr. Wonderful walks into my life. He was/is like a breath of fresh air....I now know that the x-bf did me a favor. If he hadn't broke up with me I would have never ran into Mr.Wonderful and I would not be in the most honest, fullfilling, exciting, and loving relationship that I have ever expierenced....Hang in there....