TheDragonlady

Would you ever date and have a relationship with a woman who makes more money than you? As in 5 or 6 times more? Is that weird for a guy or would you rather be the bread-winner?

If you are in a relationship like this, how do you deal with dating? Do you let her pay? Do you feel awkward? Is this something a male ego can handle over the long-term? (sorry to generalize, I know there's many men without the macho ego - but some of those feelings are deeply ingrained via our culture)

I'd be interested in hearing stories from women in this situation as well. My ex resented me over the long term because of this. I'm curious about others' experiences.

sbscout

If the unequal monetary situation isn't lorded over me, I'd be fine with it. I'll still hold the door open for you, bring you flowers, etc... If you want to pick up the check, it's fine with me.

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Martian

There are too many variables to really answer this question accurately without more information. It would depend a lot on the personalities involved and the relationship dynamic.

Personally I can say that it wouldn't be an issue to me as long as it's not made an issue in a general sense. I'm imagining a woman who makes six times my salary would likely be strongly committed to her work or career, and I'm comfortable with making non-monetary contributions to the relationship.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

levite

My wife is currently the main breadwinner in our family. As I see it, the only downside is that she's working so hard and gets so drained, and I can't help with that. But if things were otherwise, no, I'd have no problem with her making more money than me. Frankly, if she were hella rich, I'd be perfectly happy being kept. There is zero ego involved for me. The way I see it, I repay her by being awesome.

Wait, there might be ego involved for me....

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Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

TheDragonlady

I ask because I got burned once before and by the time I figured out that this was eating at my ex, it was too late. I had no idea how much it ate at his male ego until the end. And I would never hold something like this over someone's head.

Fast forward to now - I'm seeing a man who is an artist. We've been together 5 months and we're really falling for each other. While he knows I work a professional job and make more money, he doesn't know by how much (in conversation he somewhat apologetically told me what he makes which is why I know how much more I make). I haven't talked much about myself financially. It's an odd situation because I've been selling my home in another city so I've been renting a room from a friend locally and sort of roughing it at the moment while I relocate. But if things continue as they are, we will have to talk about it and I certainly don't want to scare him off once I move into my own home and the difference will become much more obvious. I love travel and going out and doing things and I really want to do those things with him. The things I want to do however, I know he can't afford on his own. I love this man and don't want him to feel like a 'kept' man. He is wonderful in so many other ways!!! I would just love to share what I have with someone I truly care about and who cares about me.

He has mentioned that he felt bad that I picked up the check a couple of times and all I could tell him is that I wanted to do it.

The_Jazz

Back in the dark ages when I was dating, I had an almost-year-long relationship with a woman who is now the youngest senior partner in a really big-time Chicago law firm (big time in that if you read ever read national news, you'll have seen their name a lot in the last 15 years). At the time, she was the fastest rising associate there and was named as a junior partner a little before our relationship ended. I do pretty well for myself, but she was in another league.

And it didn't bother me a bit.

She got a bonus about 2 months before we broke up that allowed her to buy a 10,000 square foot house in the Gold Coast of Chicago, just down the street from where Lee Miglin had been killed a year or so earlier. She paid cash. Although I know the exact amount, I'll just say it was low 7 figures.

Why'd we break up? I never saw her. The last month of our relationship, I saw her exactly twice before I pulled the plug. Money wasn't the issue, it was that I was 3rd on her list behind work and her mom. I could have stood being second behind her mom (who was a great lady - I went to her funeral last year and she was invited to my wedding) with zero problem, but work became more important to her than me, so I unencumbered her.

Before I got married, few of the women I dated had any idea how much I earned. Most assumed that they made more than me. They were usually wrong.

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sbscout

NICE!!!

__________________
Always question authority... it'll keep the bastards on their toes!

Baraka_Guru

My S.O. makes about double what I do.

But I get to pay the entire rent with what I make, while she pays for most other things. I suppose that's enough to satisfy any desires my lax ego may have.

I really should be making more money, but if she made 5 or 6 times what I did, I would imagine there would be less of an issue.

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Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
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kramus

When we met my Lady made 5 or 6 times what I do. Now that we live together I make nuthin' but sweet sweet love to her, keep the home fires burning and the kiddies fed, and do my art. All is good.

When we dated my Lady had to pay for most things because my wages didn't pay for the debts my ex and I had run up (the ex also made about 50% more than I did at the time, but I was responsible for half our mutual debt when we split which led to a real shortfall on my end until the house was sold/bills eliminated. Living off credit cards sucks. I hated owing more each month than what my paycheque totaled, and that is before accounting for simple things like food, gas, rent . . . )

My family hasn't said boo about our relationship except that it is wonderful that we seem to work so well in different, mutually supportive domains. Her family was not so warm and fuzzy about things. meh. We've been together 5 years now, and couldn't be happier.

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Daniel_

My wife earns a few % more than me, but I'd be perfectly happy with her earning lots more than me.

As Jazz mentioned above, I think that the thing I couldn't stomach would be her work coming before me too much.

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Seaver

Dated my last GF for 4 years, my highest income through that period was $40K hers was $240k. It was never an issue for me, and it apparently was never an issue for her.

I find strong, highly intelligent, professional women extremely sexy.

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cadre

I earn a bit more than my fiancé but in a few years I stand to earn much more. This is simply because I happened to finish school faster than him. I know that it bothers him a bit that he still hasn't graduated and gotten a 'real job' but I don't think the fact that I make more than him is a problem. In fact, we've had many conversations about him being a stay at home dad in the future.

I think every relationship is a bit different. I know guys who would hate it for a girlfriend to make more than them. I think that most guys can live with it as long as it's not being held over their heads.

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Martian

My experience with artistic types is that they tend to be short on ego, at least as far as the finances go. Honestly, if Magpie made six figures and I could just focus on my music I'd be about as happy as it's possible to be.

When I started dating my current girlfriend, there was a bit of uncomfortableness regarding money that wasn't dissimilar to your situation. We actually both worked at the same job at the time, but since there was a commission based component to the wages I tended to make more than her. However, I was out on my own and she was still living with her parents at the time, meaning she had a lot more disposable income than I did. The net result was that whenever we went out she tended to foot the bill. I felt bad about it, but it wasn't any sort of macho ego thing -- it was more that I didn't want her to think I was taking advantage of her, or that I wasn't contributing my fair share. It sounds like your artist friend might be thinking along the same lines.

We've been together for two years now, and co-habitating for most of that time. She supported me completely when my health took a turn for the worse.

Honestly, if it's that big of a deal, why don't you just talk to him about it? You don't have to mention actual numbers, just tell him that you make enough money that you don't mind footing the bill for your dates, and make sure he's okay with that. If you're making that much, I imagine you're in some sort of professional position and he may have an idea already. Nobody's surprised to find out that a lawyer pulls down a lot of cash, for example.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

TheDragonlady

Thanks everyone for your input. I know we will have to talk about it and your feedback has helped me on how to frame up the discussion. No one likes to talk money, but right now I think we're in the "feeling each other out about co-habitating" stage of things. I think you are right - it's not a 'macho' thing with him - I think it really is that he doesn't want me to feel like he's taking advantage and I respect that.

Cimarron29414

I guess I don't understand why a boyfriend needs to know how much you make? I don't even understand why a live-in boyfriend needs to know.

I don't think that information needs to be shared until you are married and own stuff together. Until then, he could simply know "I am financially sound." and you can buy what you want.

I would make him pay his way on the trips. This will give him the ambition to earn more through productivity and marketing. He'll enjoy the trips more when he paid his way.

Oh, and "Pre-nup."

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snowy

It's because when you live together, you'll still end up owning stuff together. Also, if you want the other person to do stuff with you, sometimes it means picking up the check for whatever that is.

As for the last part: my now-husband picked up the tab for many an adventure we have taken together, and I can pretty safely say that if he hadn't, he would have been pretty lonely on those trips by himself. I could also care less who paid, as I pay for what I can (like dinner out when we're on a trip). Ultimately, the person with the money has to weigh the costs and benefits of paying the way for the other person.

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StanT

I'll get back to you in a year. I've made double my wife's income for most of our marriage. I'm likely to get laid off any day and my next job will almost certainly pay less than hers.

I'm fine with it in general.The numbers and proportions aren't very important to me as long as they don't come with an attitude. I'm not expecting one.

Iliftrocks

Do I get an allowance? Then yes

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Cimarron29414

Personally, I wouldn't buy stuff together (House,car, appliances) without a marriage contract. That's just me. Again, I don't see what anyone needs to know what you make until you share a budget.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Jinn

That's where I'm at as the breadwinner, too. It seems like a fairly mature position to hold.

That said, I don't think I could handle being the one making less. As a few here might attest, I've got a fairly intense ego. I might be able to handle it fine, but I've never been put in that position and I could only hazard a guess that I wouldn't take it as well as I ought.

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TheDragonlady

Well, I don't plan on telling him exactly what I make. That's not how I see the discussion. It's not even about owning stuff together - I know better as I've been down that road before. However, a financial discussion should take place before living with someone and it's pretty obvious that I will be the one making the most money. Even if 'stuff' is not owned together, there are still bills and intangibles like going out and traveling. I know he couldn't pay half of the expenses for my kind of lifestyle and I wouldn't expect it. And I don't want to pretend I'm poor to assuage a male ego (not that he's the type for that). We have to come to a happy medium that we can both live with. In any relationship it's important to communicate and I think communication about finances is a fairly important discussion to have. I'm not planning marriage and I plan on keeping my private finances separate. But expectations should be understood and I appreciate the different viewpoints and opinions.

Xerxys

Completely unrelated ... in the US, the middle class demographic, there are more college educated women than there are men. But men still earn more than women. That's very interesting.

I guess it depends on the person. I can deal with her earning more as long as I can pull my own weight and keep myself as comfortable as possible.

Wes Mantooth

Meh, doesn't really matter to me one way or the other. Hell when I was younger and sleeping on park benches and friends sofas I actively sought out women that made more then me...of course the girl working the McDonalds drive thru at the time would have met that criteria.

I don't know...in the grand scheme of getting to know somebody, falling in love and trying to build a life together it just seems like how much she makes is pretty low on the list (outside of the "can we afford the one or two bedroom apartment and such). If she held it over my head or something then I suppose it would become an issue...but the same could be true of anyone I guess. No, I'm just not really bothered by it one way or the other, if all the other key factors towards building a relationship are present its just too small an issue to worry about.

"honey, I love you, you're the girl of my dreams but that damn brain surgeon salary is just to much for my delicate male ego...I'm sorry its over."

The only real problem is see is weather or not the two people in a relationship can strike a balance. Am I dragging her down because I can't afford the lifestyle she leads? Will she mind that I can't come on that cruise I can't afford? Will she pay so I can? Is she okay with my bums salary? Now I've been on both sides of those issues and they can be bitch to work through but in my experience its more about two people being in very different places in life then about who makes the most money.

...meh I'm just rambling now, you folks get the idea.

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genuinegirly

None of this seems applicable to your situation, but it's my take on the topic...

Here's how it played out for my parents: my mom had a degree and a great-paying career in clothing merchandising. She loved her job and made good money. Daddy was a low-wage factory worker at a Chevy plant. Their first few years of marriage were ok like this, and they bought a house, planned their lives with this in mind. Sad day when Dad was laid off at Chevy, he became a Mechanic at a Ford dealership and made even less. Somewhere around this time it started bothering him that he made less. Mom saw that it was straining the marriage so she quit her job, basically without discussing it with my dad. It made him upset, but gave him the courage to apply to a scholarship program through Ford and return to school. Around the time I was born he finished his BA. He was promoted to lead mechanic and went on to complete his MBA. In the meantime, Mom was going crazy at home. When she left her job, she left her life behind. She gained a lot of weight, and became a bitter woman who took her frustrations out by yelling at her children. My mom is a wonderful, talented woman who was made for a high-pressure career. She would have been a far more nurturing mother if the time she spent with us was minimal. I always wondered as a child why Daddy went to work all the time when he obviously hated it, and he would have found it far more rewarding to be the stay-at-home parent, if we needed one at all. My life is different than it would have been had Dad not felt inadequate beside my mother's six-figure income. Who is to say that it would have been better -who knows - but I am confident that it would have been healthier for my mom.


When we started talking marriage and family we discussed the situation that my parents faced early in their marriage, and he admitted that he would love more than anything to be a stay-at-home dad, and would have no problem with me making more. My husband and I bounce back and forth between who makes more. He works as a consultant / contracted IT guy and his income is highly variable while mine is the highly stable (but tiny) in one of a grad student stipend. We usually save his income to use on "fun" while mine goes toward monthly expenses such as rent and groceries. When he has a better job, we pump more into our retirement accounts and go on more trips. I like our current arrangement because It offers a great deal of stability and provides a clear division of labor - I'm in charge of getting by while he is responsible for planning all the fun.