rahl

So, my uncle shot and killed himself this morning. He has been a life long manic depressive and bipolar. He was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He shot himself once before in the shoulder but survived the attempt. I physically stopped him once after than by tackling him and removing the gun from him.

Over the years we were quite close, had many good times together. I lived about 3.5 hours from him so I didn't get to see him as often as I would have liked. Recently he would call me and ask for money, or just needed someone to talk to. I slowly began resenting him for his behaviour and eventually started to not return his phone calls. I feel responsible for his death. I know I probably shouldn't, but I just can't help it. Maybe if I had taken his calls, or been a shoulder to cry on, he wouldn't have done it. Just two days ago, I was talking with my wife and I told her I was tired of him always threatening suicide and wished he would just do it. I said it in anger. I would give anything to take it back now.

I have no real point, I just really needed to say this outloud.

__________________
"Your life is Yours alone...Rise up and live it"

Xerxys

Not taking his calls or saying something out of frustrated anger did not cause his suicide. I can start telling you a whole host of things that you could have done to prevent this, get him help ... call the cops ... camp outside his house every night ... etc etc ...

Did that help? Don't beat yourself up. The fact that you made friends with him is good memories that you should cherish.

Sorry for your loss man.

Baraka_Guru

It's not your fault. If you want to blame something, blame the manic/bipolar depression and the substance abuse.

I'm sorry for your loss.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

rahl

thank you.

I know I shouldn't blame myself, but it's really hard not to.

__________________
"Your life is Yours alone...Rise up and live it"

CinnamonGirl

To quote xkcd: "It turns out, you can't take responsibility for someone else's happiness." It wasn't your fault, at all.

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"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Manic_Skafe

I too any sorry for your loss and would hope to think that with time you'll realize that there's only but so much you could have done for someone suffering from such an illness. Despite how much others may need you, you're a person too and it's not your fault for having reached your breaking point. Try to take some solace in the fact that he's no longer suffering and just give it time. Good luck, bro.

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"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

Cynthetiq

sorry to hear that man, you're only responsible for yourself and for a while minors if you've sired them.

may you heal quickly.

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cj2112

Rahl, Memorial Weekend I found myself with my gun pointed at the base of my chin, round in the chamber, wanting to pull the trigger. NOBODY could have stopped me. My reason for being unable to pull the trigger was the fact that I could not leave that kind of legacy for my children (I truly wanted to die, it wasn't about wanting someone to notice). THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Let me say that again: This is not your fault. Your uncle was ill, no different than any other illness, this illness took his life.

I am sorry you have to go through this, it truly sucks.

rahl

I really appreciate everyones kind words. This is a difficult time, but you folks are making it just a little bit easier.

It's much appreciated.

__________________
"Your life is Yours alone...Rise up and live it"

levite

Rahl, man, don't blame yourself.

It's not your fault.

Your uncle was clearly dealing with severe psychological issues, and that's not something you could or should be expected to resolve for him. Caretaking-- even just regular visits and phone calls-- is deeply draining and resource-intensive for the caretaker, and it is only natural and normal that, after a lot of neediness from the ill person, the caretaker will be tired of caring, even perhaps resentful. Outbursts, feelings of anger, irritation, are all normal and in no way undercut that you did the right thing while you could, and whatever else your uncle might have needed would have had to come from within, and perhaps from professional help and medication-- things outside your purview.

Also, suicide is a very aggressive gesture. Some people who commit suicide are not even aware of how hostile toward others the act of suicide is. Friends and relatives are left with feelings of shame, regret, insufficiency, anger that they believe they should not feel, and tremendous guilt. But you don't have to accept guilt: what your uncle did was his responsibility, which came from his own internal issues, and which ultimately he chose to do. That is an awful truth, but still a truth. Of course you should mourn your uncle, grieve, and whatever you feel, permit yourself to feel. But don't accept responsibility, because you don't deserve it.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. That is a terrible thing to go through, and I really hope you can find peace and comfort sooner rather than later.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)