Gravedressing - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Plan9 · 06-17-2010, 09:35 AM

No, this isn't a thread about flowers. I don't like flowers. Anything that costs that much and dies in less than a week should give blowjobs.

Anyway, this thread is about your cover story for why you took 9 years and 14 partners to finally get married. Or why you're still single.

...

For the purposes of this thread, "gravedressing" is the term coined for how one refers to their former significant others (whether positive or negative) when talking about them to other people such as their friends, family or new significant others. Think of it as the final step in ended relationship life cycle. After The Incident (realization of incompatibility in lifestyle or goals, major conflict such as distance issues, money problems, cheating, drugs or theft) comes the natural cycle of emotions such as whipped puppy denial, neck-stomping rage and great-now-I-have-to-start-over depression (or perhaps bliss). Gravedressing typically takes place after the relationship is said and done and the two individuals are on their own once again.

Example: I was married for a hot weekend once a few years ago. It didn't work out... I was on a short business trip out east and she was a horny hippie with poor impulse control. After all the anger and bitterness subsided (only took like 4 years), I realized that it was for the best that things didn't work out and that although she hurt me with her choices, I'm glad that it happened because I didn't want the kind of life she did. If it is brought up in conversation today I just say that I got divorced because she couldn't take the extended absences that my job at the time required. I don't refer to her as a cock-gargling harlot anymore and I figure that's progress. If for some reason I was teleported 800 miles and saw her on the street, I would greet her as an old friend. I had some good times with her and I don't regret any of it now that I am where I am in life and have some perspective. Sometimes I'll run into someone from a few years ago and they'll ask why I'm not wearing a ring anymore. "Eh, ya know... things just didn't work out."

Maybe I'm mellowing out in my old age but I've started to change my perspective on relationships a lot. Like Henry Rollins once said, strength isn't about being tough or cruel to people, it's about being laid back and taking what good you can from life. Sometimes my family or friends will knock a former partner and I'll actually find myself defending them. "Hey, they weren't that bad. They just had different goals." Letting go of all those bad vibes is like dropping a heavy rucksack. I feel so much more free. I'm not big on Dr. Phil feelings mumbojumbo, but forgiveness seems to work for me here.

Question: What do you think about this? How have you come to think of your former relationships as far as it relates to explaining them to others? Do you badmouth your former partners because they "deserve it" or do you forgive and forget? Any lessons learned? Funny stories?

Jinn · 06-17-2010, 10:13 AM

This seems like a really good thread, but I think my ability to contribute is severely limited. I don't think I could badmouth an ex, simply because I liked them at one time or another.

Even cheating on me wouldn't particularly generate much ire. I've told my current girlfriend that she can go for it with another guy if she finds herself uncontrollably attracted, so long as I get some sort of heads up. I approach relationship as a mutually beneficial relationship, and if I'm not benefitting them at all I'd much prefer they find it somewhere than suffer in silence.

Back to being limited - I've only got two ex's. The first I met at a party at 17, got really wasted, thought she was hot and went out and got her number. Fast forward a month and I was starting college, called her to break up because we were having a strip poker party in our dorm and I thought I might get some if I was single. Turns out the poker girl didn't like me at all.

Second one same deal, but only a week or so - she was hot, but I didn't talk to her at all. Eventually met in person and decided hey, we really don't hang out at all, this isn't really a relationship and that was that.

Third and current is rolling up on 6 years and I don't foresee it ending (don't they all say that?). I don't think I'd have anything bad to say about her either.

Plan9 · 06-17-2010, 10:39 AM

The thread isn't about badmouthing, per se.

Craven Morehead · 06-17-2010, 11:44 AM

It takes a while to be able to reach the point of being civil in some cases. Never been through a divorce but certainly had my share of relationships. In one case, it would be years before I'd be able to act normal in her presence. I'd avoid her like the plauge rather than have to deal with her (or more accurately my emotions). I don't believe the relationship is truly over until you reach the stage where they are just another person. In nearly every case I'd love to see all my past partners today just to see how they are doing.

Badmouth them? Not so much.

LordEden · 06-17-2010, 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jinn

Even cheating on me wouldn't particularly generate much ire. I've told my current girlfriend that she can go for it with another guy if she finds herself uncontrollably attracted, so long as I get some sort of heads up. I approach relationship as a mutually beneficial relationship, and if I'm not benefitting them at all I'd much prefer they find it somewhere than suffer in silence.

That statement threw me for a loop. I think that would be a hell of a threadjack if we dicussed it here, but... that just struck me as wrong and a BIG RED WARNING SIGN of DOOM (tm). I'd like my girlfriend to be a One-Dick Girl (tm). Booty call? I don't care who she is fucking as long as we are still fucking.

Threadjack this or not?

*****

OP (Original Planster): I went through a HUGE bitter stage of my life that I'm still trying to shake off where every one of my exs were born in the bowels of hell and were put on this earth to suck the very souls out of men. Lucifer put them here just to torment me. I've... calmed down now and every once in awhile speak to my exs. Most of them don't like me for various reasons, but the only thing I'll say bad about them is truthful (Stole from me, cheated on me, had to lock up in the local loony bin because I found her making caveman like paintings on the bathroom wall with her own blood).

Now that I'm dating Cinn? I could care less, she knows the truth of the matter and I haven't shyed away from telling her about them. So... no real bad mouthing, just the truth, nothing more.

spindles · 06-17-2010, 03:34 PM

I'm fairly sure I got alcohol poisoning after my first marriage broke up. There are positives - you really find out who your friends are. I don't hate her, but looking back there were warning signs that we should never have got married. I was young and caught up in the idea of getting married.

I've seen her a couple of times since and it was ok, but mostly I don't think about her. I learned some things but my current wife and I have not discussed my past relationships much at all.

Plan9 · 07-04-2010, 08:27 PM

Anybody else? I think maybe I need to elaborate on the point of the discussion.

Monolith · 07-23-2010, 01:55 PM

wow i dont know where to start with this one...

i'm a divorcee as well and after listening to some of the others i guess i can get this off my chest as well. Wierd that each and every time i talk about it i feel "relieved". So i guess with my divorce it was more of the i felt like i saw the commercial, thought i was getting something for less then i bargained for and wind up paying for it all in the end.

its wierd thought because even now after some 6 months into the aftermath of the actual divorce. She's still pulling strings. and i'm still trying to cut them all. Its wierd thought i feel like when i look back i was being set up for failure in this divorce. but now its more like the "signs" were so bright to my good friends and family its not funny.

And in a lot of ways i still blame myself for how things went. I shouldn't of gotten married to someone and then worked overseas. I should of communicated more and been less accepting.

i feel like i'm still going thru it even though its supposed to be over. i have the house but now that i have a renter i feel homeless. even thought my brother, uncle, relatives, all have said repeatedly.. come here. your welcome here. you don't have to wander. you don't have to stay working overseas if you dont want to trying to because of how the divorce went to make ends meat.

so the end all be all i think which was part of her plan. was she told me she cheated on me after i just returned from Iraq. that hurt. and still i was numb to it. There was a couple of close calls i feel like i had overseas and her affection and just being there i was craving the most. then there was her outcry at my brothers wedding. I shouldnt' of let her go but i couldnt' of foreseen her acting like that.

even just a week ago... after getting some emotion back towards her. I got this message that she never cheated on me. she just wanted to see my reaction.
i can't tell truth or lie anymore but then again i cant care anymore.

did that elaborate enough? lol

Plan9 · 07-26-2010, 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monolith

wow i dont know where to start with this one...

i'm a divorcee as well and after listening to some of the others i guess i can get this off my chest as well. Wierd that each and every time i talk about it i feel "relieved". So i guess with my divorce it was more of the i felt like i saw the commercial, thought i was getting something for less then i bargained for and wind up paying for it all in the end.

its wierd thought because even now after some 6 months into the aftermath of the actual divorce. She's still pulling strings. and i'm still trying to cut them all. Its wierd thought i feel like when i look back i was being set up for failure in this divorce. but now its more like the "signs" were so bright to my good friends and family its not funny.

And in a lot of ways i still blame myself for how things went. I shouldn't of gotten married to someone and then worked overseas. I should of communicated more and been less accepting.

i feel like i'm still going thru it even though its supposed to be over. i have the house but now that i have a renter i feel homeless. even thought my brother, uncle, relatives, all have said repeatedly.. come here. your welcome here. you don't have to wander. you don't have to stay working overseas if you dont want to trying to because of how the divorce went to make ends meat.

so the end all be all i think which was part of her plan. was she told me she cheated on me after i just returned from Iraq. that hurt. and still i was numb to it. There was a couple of close calls i feel like i had overseas and her affection and just being there i was craving the most. then there was her outcry at my brothers wedding. I shouldnt' of let her go but i couldnt' of foreseen her acting like that.

even just a week ago... after getting some emotion back towards her. I got this message that she never cheated on me. she just wanted to see my reaction.
i can't tell truth or lie anymore but then again i cant care anymore.

Wow... that sucks, bro.

uncle phil · 07-26-2010, 04:25 PM

you don't even want to hear about my ex...

aunt phil is the best thing that ever happened to my life, and the funny thing is, we've known each other forever...(she was born one day after my sister...)

Meier_Link · 07-26-2010, 06:37 PM

Yesterday I found myself in this situation... I was out with a girl I just met, we were talking about different things and she asks about kids, so I'm telling her about my son and, of course, she asks about what happened between his mother and I. This is not the kind of think that it's good to elaborate on during a first date, so I just gave a vague, "we drifted apart, I tried to stick around in the relationship for the wrong reasons but it was over" and changed the subject. So I guess that was my gravedressing. It seems like, remembering past long term relationships, I was always quick to point out why it wasn't my fault or how they screwed me over when, in reality, I probably just stuck around until they gave me a good enough excuse to end it without looking like I was the bad guy.

Monolith · 07-27-2010, 05:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Plan9

Wow... that sucks, bro.

even yesterday still pulling strings..

06-17-2010, 09:35 AM	#1 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Gravedressing No, this isn't a thread about flowers. I don't like flowers. Anything that costs that much and dies in less than a week should give blowjobs. Anyway, this thread is about your cover story for why you took 9 years and 14 partners to finally get married. Or why you're still single. ... For the purposes of this thread, "gravedressing" is the term coined for how one refers to their former significant others (whether positive or negative) when talking about them to other people such as their friends, family or new significant others. Think of it as the final step in ended relationship life cycle. After The Incident (realization of incompatibility in lifestyle or goals, major conflict such as distance issues, money problems, cheating, drugs or theft) comes the natural cycle of emotions such as whipped puppy denial, neck-stomping rage and great-now-I-have-to-start-over depression (or perhaps bliss). Gravedressing typically takes place after the relationship is said and done and the two individuals are on their own once again. Example: I was married for a hot weekend once a few years ago. It didn't work out... I was on a short business trip out east and she was a horny hippie with poor impulse control. After all the anger and bitterness subsided (only took like 4 years), I realized that it was for the best that things didn't work out and that although she hurt me with her choices, I'm glad that it happened because I didn't want the kind of life she did. If it is brought up in conversation today I just say that I got divorced because she couldn't take the extended absences that my job at the time required. I don't refer to her as a cock-gargling harlot anymore and I figure that's progress. If for some reason I was teleported 800 miles and saw her on the street, I would greet her as an old friend. I had some good times with her and I don't regret any of it now that I am where I am in life and have some perspective. Sometimes I'll run into someone from a few years ago and they'll ask why I'm not wearing a ring anymore. "Eh, ya know... things just didn't work out." Maybe I'm mellowing out in my old age but I've started to change my perspective on relationships a lot. Like Henry Rollins once said, strength isn't about being tough or cruel to people, it's about being laid back and taking what good you can from life. Sometimes my family or friends will knock a former partner and I'll actually find myself defending them. "Hey, they weren't that bad. They just had different goals." Letting go of all those bad vibes is like dropping a heavy rucksack. I feel so much more free. I'm not big on Dr. Phil feelings mumbojumbo, but forgiveness seems to work for me here. Question: What do you think about this? How have you come to think of your former relationships as far as it relates to explaining them to others? Do you badmouth your former partners because they "deserve it" or do you forgive and forget? Any lessons learned? Funny stories? __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake." Last edited by Plan9; 06-17-2010 at 09:45 AM..

06-17-2010, 10:13 AM	#2 (permalink)
Jinn Lover - Protector - Teacher Location: Seattle, WA	This seems like a really good thread, but I think my ability to contribute is severely limited. I don't think I could badmouth an ex, simply because I liked them at one time or another. Even cheating on me wouldn't particularly generate much ire. I've told my current girlfriend that she can go for it with another guy if she finds herself uncontrollably attracted, so long as I get some sort of heads up. I approach relationship as a mutually beneficial relationship, and if I'm not benefitting them at all I'd much prefer they find it somewhere than suffer in silence. Back to being limited - I've only got two ex's. The first I met at a party at 17, got really wasted, thought she was hot and went out and got her number. Fast forward a month and I was starting college, called her to break up because we were having a strip poker party in our dorm and I thought I might get some if I was single. Turns out the poker girl didn't like me at all. Second one same deal, but only a week or so - she was hot, but I didn't talk to her at all. Eventually met in person and decided hey, we really don't hang out at all, this isn't really a relationship and that was that. Third and current is rolling up on 6 years and I don't foresee it ending (don't they all say that?). I don't think I'd have anything bad to say about her either. __________________ "I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

06-17-2010, 10:39 AM	#3 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	The thread isn't about badmouthing, per se. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

06-17-2010, 03:34 PM	#6 (permalink)
spindles Mine is an evil laugh Location: Sydney, Australia	I'm fairly sure I got alcohol poisoning after my first marriage broke up. There are positives - you really find out who your friends are. I don't hate her, but looking back there were warning signs that we should never have got married. I was young and caught up in the idea of getting married. I've seen her a couple of times since and it was ok, but mostly I don't think about her. I learned some things but my current wife and I have not discussed my past relationships much at all. __________________ who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

07-04-2010, 08:27 PM	#7 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Anybody else? I think maybe I need to elaborate on the point of the discussion. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

06-17-2010, 11:44 AM	#4 (permalink)
Craven Morehead Custom User Title	It takes a while to be able to reach the point of being civil in some cases. Never been through a divorce but certainly had my share of relationships. In one case, it would be years before I'd be able to act normal in her presence. I'd avoid her like the plauge rather than have to deal with her (or more accurately my emotions). I don't believe the relationship is truly over until you reach the stage where they are just another person. In nearly every case I'd love to see all my past partners today just to see how they are doing. Badmouth them? Not so much.

07-23-2010, 01:55 PM	#8 (permalink)
Monolith Upright Location: Kabul	wow i dont know where to start with this one... i'm a divorcee as well and after listening to some of the others i guess i can get this off my chest as well. Wierd that each and every time i talk about it i feel "relieved". So i guess with my divorce it was more of the i felt like i saw the commercial, thought i was getting something for less then i bargained for and wind up paying for it all in the end. its wierd thought because even now after some 6 months into the aftermath of the actual divorce. She's still pulling strings. and i'm still trying to cut them all. Its wierd thought i feel like when i look back i was being set up for failure in this divorce. but now its more like the "signs" were so bright to my good friends and family its not funny. And in a lot of ways i still blame myself for how things went. I shouldn't of gotten married to someone and then worked overseas. I should of communicated more and been less accepting. i feel like i'm still going thru it even though its supposed to be over. i have the house but now that i have a renter i feel homeless. even thought my brother, uncle, relatives, all have said repeatedly.. come here. your welcome here. you don't have to wander. you don't have to stay working overseas if you dont want to trying to because of how the divorce went to make ends meat. so the end all be all i think which was part of her plan. was she told me she cheated on me after i just returned from Iraq. that hurt. and still i was numb to it. There was a couple of close calls i feel like i had overseas and her affection and just being there i was craving the most. then there was her outcry at my brothers wedding. I shouldnt' of let her go but i couldnt' of foreseen her acting like that. even just a week ago... after getting some emotion back towards her. I got this message that she never cheated on me. she just wanted to see my reaction. i can't tell truth or lie anymore but then again i cant care anymore. did that elaborate enough? lol

07-26-2010, 04:25 PM	#10 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	you don't even want to hear about my ex... aunt phil is the best thing that ever happened to my life, and the funny thing is, we've known each other forever...(she was born one day after my sister...) __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-26-2010, 06:37 PM	#11 (permalink)
Meier_Link Psycho Location: in a state of confusion	Yesterday I found myself in this situation... I was out with a girl I just met, we were talking about different things and she asks about kids, so I'm telling her about my son and, of course, she asks about what happened between his mother and I. This is not the kind of think that it's good to elaborate on during a first date, so I just gave a vague, "we drifted apart, I tried to stick around in the relationship for the wrong reasons but it was over" and changed the subject. So I guess that was my gravedressing. It seems like, remembering past long term relationships, I was always quick to point out why it wasn't my fault or how they screwed me over when, in reality, I probably just stuck around until they gave me a good enough excuse to end it without looking like I was the bad guy. __________________ life is a sexually transmitted disease