miss_psychosexy

so I have a very close knit group of guy friends that I spend most of my time with. There are a couple of other girls that are part of said group also, and then of course the outsiders that we bring out with us in hopes she's gonna bone one of the guys.

That being said, although I am treated as one of the guys, i'm pretty sure that some of them harbor urges to bang me. This isn't a conceited thought, just something I pick up on by the way they interact with me sometimes. But it doesn't get in the way of us all having a good time, and they can still enjoy my company even though they know there's no dice i'm sleeping with them, if that makes sense.

Well, there are a few of these guys whom I separate into a different category that I like to call my "best bros", and the others whom I definitely still care about and think of as friends, but just not on the same level. The ones I am closer with I am willing to do just about anything for. They're the guys I call just to tell them something funny and random, buy and/or make food for if i'm feeling particularly domesticated, and the ones I will go out of my way to help and do things for.

I first started hanging out with these guys in the summer of 07 and these relationships built themselves pretty quickly. Just recently, after never being sexually attracted to any guy in this group, I decided I was kind of really hot for one of them. Not one of the "best bros", however, those guys are his best friends as well. So I guess by association we would hang out on a pretty regular basis. We interacted and what not, but he was pretty quiet and I was more outspoken and interactive with everyone else, so I suppose he was a part of all of that by being there. Being a spectator to my shenanigans, if you will.

Well, that has all changed now as we have started to hook up. We have had the discussion that we do not want any sort of significant other, and just wanna fuck around. So that deals all squared away, however, I have noticed that things have changed with him.

I believe that this change is particularly my fault because I immediately tried to treat him like one of my "best bros" ( I mean, they are all his best friend too, so it felt natural I guess?) and began to reach out and interact with him on a social basis outside of when we see each other at our random gatherings. I was in no way overbearing and just texting him just to say "hey" or anything like that, but just... random fun things like I do the bros, or when I needed help from him procuring various contraband. Now I realize that probably wasn't the best idea, because he seemed indifferent to my contact, like it made him uncomfortable that I did this. Understandable, and I have since backed off.

Where the change comes in is with his personality. In the many times we spent around each other he definite gave me the vibe of the quiet nice guy. The night we were having the discussion about how we don't want to date, I agreed but decided to probe further and see what it is exactly about me he doesn't like enough to want to seriously date. The conversation went a little something like this:

"am I not hot enough for you?"
"no, you're sexy as shit"
"not a big fan of my personality?"
"no, you're cool as shit too"
"so, what exactly is it?"

with the last question he starts to get a little vague, saying that he has his own thing going on at college. So, there's another girl that he does want to pursue something further with, right? wrong. no other girl. (later on one of our bros offered the insight that he's just trying to bed as many chicks as possible, which is cool.) I forget most of the details that followed this, however, I remember me telling him that I thought he was one of the nicest guys i've met, to which he replied "i'm not exactly the nicest guy ever". I chose to brush that off because he had never given me one reason to think my view of him was wrong.

Now, fast forward a couple of weeks. Our friends and I were all partying in his house when a guy slices his hand open pretty badly after slipping on his floor. While he went to go to the bathroom with the guy to assess the injury and clean up blood, I took the nearby swiffer and began to try and collect the glass from the bottle into one pile so that no one else would get all cut the fuck up. When he emerges from the bathroom he spots me swiffering up what he assumed to be the giant liquid mess around the glass, to which he snapped "That isn't going to help!". When I informed him that I was collecting glass, he was like, ohh ohh alright. I was still agitated at the way he snapped at me, but I got over that pretty quickly seeing as he had a giant mess on his hands. Later on that evening, however, he became short with me again when I was inquiring about where my car had been parked after the latest liquor store run that I did not participate in. He was like "relax its over there" again, in a short tone that he had never spoken to me in before.

The next afternoon I was in a room with he and his roommate while they're playing video games, when during a conversation his roomie exclaims that he's one of the most "misogynistic a-holes" he's ever met. I chose to not inquire further but I did catch his eye real quick before he looked away. When I got back home I called up one of the bros, whom have known him since high school and possibly earlier, and began talking about the night, to which I said "I used to think he was so nice, but I guess he's kind of a dick" our bro informed that he is in fact, not a dick, and that he's about to go up to his school and "knock him down a few pegs."

So, after that novel of an entry, what do you guys think? that he's trying to prove a point that he's not some nice guy I can push around by acting like this towards me all of a sudden, or does he have a persona up at school that is different and those of us back home do not know of it?

oh, and when we bang, he's not cold and demeaning or anything like that, but playful and willing to fool around and have fun with it. I just don't know if we should continue doing this if he really is a "misogynistic a-hole" because i'm not down with being dicked around, if that makes sense.

please, lend me your insight

__________________
when I close my eyes
I can see for miles
there's comfort in my dark scene
and chaos in the aisles

Manic_Skafe

Friends with benefits deals rarely ever end as a friendly and casual as they start. It's probably the sex but you'll only find out what his problem is by talking to him. However, you may want to consider whether or not the kind of person that gets all pissy and passive aggressive rather than talking to you like an adult is the kind of person you should be having sex with.

__________________
"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

Xerxys

Disclaimer: Not all men are the same.
The last time I was vague about not wanting to date a girl was because she wasn't my type and I am very picky. But I also had the sense not to take the sex either because she's a super cool human being and I like having her as a friend.

I think this dude is a dick and doesn't like you but is lusting on you something fierce. So, if talking doesn't work I guess you'll know what to do. But also this could be an isolated incident and he was just pissed about the blood and all the good liquor gone to waste. You never know.

Vigilante

Most of what I got from this is:
There's a girl hanging with a group of guys, and she's acting like a girl: Banging one and having some relationship conflict, calling another to gossip about it and thinking too damn hard on what other people mean when they say things about him.

I don't mean this to insult or sound chauvinistic (I'm not that kind of person) but it is my point of view, and I have a hard time candy coating things.

It takes a mature person (2 actually) to be friends, have sex, then keep being friends. You seem to have this down, but he doesn't. You're going to see emotional baggage. You see it already. When you treated him like a "best bro", he probably saw it as a serious relationship move, or passively claiming him as your man. That set him off because he seems to think that this was not in the contract. He may not be aware of your method of classification, or even understand it if you tried to explain it.

Personally, I would have a chat next time you are alone with him and explain that the sex was great, but it's time to let that go because you don't want to ruin a friendship. Keep hanging with him and the others like before and don't worry about catching his eye etc. In fact if he tries to catch your eye you should probably ignore that as well. This is assuming you want to try (key word is "try") to go back to the way things were. If he gives you flack later, tell him to man up and keep the deal, and if he's got any decency, he'll get it and shut up.

That's my take on that situation. Take it or leave it

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Plan9

Don't fuck where you hang out. They'll just sniff each other's fingers behind your back and tell nasty stories when you piss them off.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Cimarron29414

So true. You are going to end up being the "club whore", even if you only have sex with this one guy.

While your attempt at sounding like you are just totally okay with this arrangement, it doesn't take much reading between the lines that you aren't. If I can detect that in your writing, I would imagine your tone and body language is just screaming "needy, clingy" to this guy. Follow Vigilante's advice, it's your best shot. And never, EVER, give one guy in a group of guy friends the "friends with benefits" arrangement. You have to arrange that outside your circle of true friends.

Frankly, you sound like you want a boyfriend, more than you are willing to admit. There's nothing wrong with wanting a boyfriend, BTW. It's quite normal.

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"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Plan9

Ahem... club sexually liberated woman.

Now, it works both ways. If you're a guy have good female friends at school or work or involved in whatever activities you do in your free time (CrossFit, welding class at the community college)... you can't just screw one of them and expect it to work out with the group. It might, but it also might ruin the dynamic by implying a relationship, inspiring jealously or something silly. I prefer to keep my crotch away from my female friends and vice versa.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

The_Jazz

Plan9, we all prefer you to keep your smooth spot away from anything. If it were possible to launch said smooth spot into the vacuum of space but leave what you pass off as wit here on earth, I'd be researching launch windows and seeing how much the Russians would charge.

OP - I've been in a similar situation only with the genders reversed. It started out as a FWB situation but I realized fairly early on that she was someone that I wanted to have something more with. It didn't end well is the short version and the only one I can tell without using profanity.

That story sort-of told, in retrospect I'm glad that she didn't reciprocate since she wasn't good for me long-term (although the sex was AWESOME, she wasn't really capable of much more - and still isn't). It did cause some serious stress to our group, and we all eventually went our separate ways. Our breakup wasn't the sole cause (there was another simulateous one too), but it didn't help. Most of us don't speak anymore, including the woman who introduced me to my wife.

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snowy

Yes, and you end up being seen as a bicycle by the group.

Have some self-respect.

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JStrider

I was part of a pretty tight group thru a lot of college... as soon as some of the people started dating each other it became drama city... I'm still friends with all of them, but now theres several smaller groups... and they always seems to bad mouth the other...

I only ever dated girls from outside the group... sometimes they would end up joining for a while, but siince they came in while dating me, it wasnt a source of drama.

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-=JStrider=-

~Clatto Verata Nicto

miss_psychosexy

Yeah I definitely want things to go back to how they were, however, the damage may already be done and things will never be the same, which leads me to think that we should just keep hooking up cause we already have (against my better judgment). I figure there will be a few weeks before I see him again, and i'll try to gauge the interaction between us and go from there - in case i'm being way too over analytic of the situation as well.

---------- Post added at 01:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:20 PM ----------

See, i'm so indecisive and unstable that I really don't want a boyfriend - for fear of commitment and fear of my actions causing pain in someone else. I'm only 20 years old so I feel as though I need to not only figure my shit out but also have fun and play the field before I can put all my eggs in one basket. I think I do come off as needy of attention and affection though, unfortunately. I just want to feel wanted & get laid, basically.

And yes, I should have thought to not give anyone within my close knit group of friends the benefits type of relationship, however, the damage is done i'm afraid, and everyone knows about it, so our interactions from here on out will never be the same :/

lesson learned, I suppose.

---------- Post added at 01:32 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:28 PM ----------

Yes, I agree, however, I am pretty positive that these guys would not tell nasty stories behind my back whenever I piss them off. Maybe talk about what I did and how it pissed them off, but not put my personal stuff on blast like that.b At least they better not!

__________________
when I close my eyes
I can see for miles
there's comfort in my dark scene
and chaos in the aisles

Cimarron29414

A twenty-year-old co-ed does not need to wait two weeks to see a guy and judge his reaction in order to determine whether her booty call is still viable.

If all you ~really~ want is some sex - you could easily set that up over the next two weeks and be blowing this guy off the next time you see him. I'm just sayin'. The men at your age range are more than willing to keep it simple for some booty. That might be the approach I take. Replace him with someone outside your circle.

As for you not being ready and needing to figure things out...look, that's what 20-year-old guys are for. They are cannon fodder for women trying to figure out what they really want! As long as you pay the price for your indecisions in booty, the guys will line up to sign up. What better way to figure things out than to date a decent cross-section of the available populace.

Figure it out now, there's no expectations at this age. A guy in his late 20's has far less tolerance for soul-searching than the walking erections of the early 20's.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Cynthetiq

I didn't date girls in my own school let alone within my group of friends. Too much drama seemed to come out of them, even when everyone agreed that they would be mature etc, that rarely happened.

good luck with that.

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