You must be proud of yourself! Well done, sir! I was wondering about this the other day. Thanks for the update.

Wow its everywhere, I will be back to comment more...
Working 12hr days right now, but I have some things to say.

Talked w/ my wife tuesday, she does not want to attempt to make the marriage work. I'm not surprised, looking back, the biggest problem in our marriage has been a lack of real commitment to the relationship. Rather than talk when she's upset, she'd do things to get back at me, and I'd not even know wtf she was doing or why until months later.

Unfortunately, I have placed myself in such a financial position that I can't afford to live on what I make alone. I have looked at my options, and all but decided to move in w/ parents. Yeah....41 years old and I'm going to be living in Mom's house again. Talk about a series of blows to the ego. Honestly, part of the reason I'm thinking I should move in w/ my parents is that they could use some financial help. They are barely making ends meet, and I can see the results of the stress they're under. I can't afford to rent a place, and this move benefits not only me, but them. I could sell my truck, and buy a beater car and be able to rent a a place, but ya know what? I really like my truck, and this situation will allow me me to breathe a little easier. Frankly, I also don't think living alone is a good idea for me, at least not right now.

I miss my wife, badly. I don't know why I miss her, when I look back on our marriage, it sucked. Why would I miss that?

I am already looking to start dating, I know I shouldn't, but ya know, I haven't had sex in almost 2 years, I'm fuckin horny. Wasn't it US Two that used to say the best way to get over a woman is new pussy?

My anniversary is July 4th. I've made plans to go up to Vancouver, Wa for the weekend to party w/ a very good old friend. I intend on spending the weekend in a fog. It's gonna take me a week to recover, but I think it'll be very good for me....If I manage to come back w/ all 9-1/2 fingers and no criminal record...lol. Jeff and I usually get into trouble when we party together. His wife is gonna hate me after this weekend...then again, if she's married to Jeff, she'll be prepared!

Sounds like you're cleaning house and getting things in order, cj. Just don't get dehydrated over your holiday weekend :)

Keep your side of the street clean.

Jumping into this thread. My wife and I are also having some problems, thats a whole other story.

I went to see a therapist to talk about my lack of emotional connect with her, or anyone for that matter and how I get so worked up with thoughts crashing in my head that I think my head will explode.

After talking to her for an hour I floored at her diagnosis. Adult ADD!?!?

For some reason that response was underwelming. She recommended I read driven to distraction. The library was out of it, so I looked up online and it had segments available. I read the preface from the author and was floored. In one paragraph he described everything that was happening in my head.

My oldest son has ADHD and I struggled with his mother to find an alternative to medication. I've seen what that shit does and I do not like it. When asked if I was open to medication I just stared at her.

Waiting for the book and looking for answers.

I guess everyone goes through changes in life, sometime or another.

I was in the dark for 25yrs. Only saw gray, until some life changing things took place. These changes were not good either. But for some reason this allowed a little color to creep in to my sight. I didn't know what was happening to me. Every part of my body was on fire, to touch, to voices and to life. In the end it opened up my world to color. I learned that when your down in the hole, you need to learn to climb out. There isn't always a hand to pull you out. It wasn't an easy climb either, actually still climbing.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, there is hope for everyone that is willing to step out of the shit and try to reach the garden. (/|\)

Woah, here I am 4 months later.

I want to say thank you, you guys gave me a glimmer of hope. Something I could hold on to, when I felt everything was gone.

When I wanted to die, you asked me not to. You asked me to trust in what you saw, because my vision was distorted. Most importantly you genuinely cared.

I am seeing a therapist, an LPN, and a psychiatrist. While I am not "healed", I am doing extremely well. I am beginning to see the benefits of the work I've been doing, and it feels good. There is hope, that is a huge deal, because a few months ago, I had none.

awesome. sometimes it takes one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time... soon it piles up into a lot of time.

Wow, something positive actually came out of one of wooDs' threads. I never would have thought it, but here we are with a big ole positive.

Glad to hear it, CJ. Keep doing the right things.

Yeahy CJ! Good news progress.



---------- Post added at 05:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:20 PM ----------

This isn't something that gets fixed overnight. It takes some hard work and self-evaluation, and it isn't easy when your mind is racing with anxiety and random negative thoughts.

Yay, CJ! Definitely glad we could help--I feel like I've made a good friend in you, so know I'll always be here to help when you need it.

Thank you snowy, I too feel I've found a good friend in you.

I'll go ahead and jump in.

I have winter depression and obsessive thoughts. The extent of the depression isn't life threatening, so I'm not quite as concerned about that. However, it's the obsessive thoughts that have me wondering.
These thoughts have me second-guessing myself on tests over things I knew perfectly beforehand. A good example would be a math test I took in which I got a question wrong because I was second-guessing myself over the answer to 3 times 6. Sometimes I have extremely violent thoughts about killing someone. It's usually someone I mildly dislike. However, I would never, EVER think to carry out an action that would intentionally hurt someone else the way that these thoughts do, so I don't know where these thoughts are coming from.

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh.

I was having a lovely day, and then my mother goes and says something that should have been innocuous, but has created huge upset in my house.

Sorry for being oblique, but it's getting me down.

Not a good day.

Here's a hug for you, Daniel: :icare:

Hope it all blows over soon, and that you cheer up :)

Ya know, I have been off the mood stabilizer, and the anti-depressant for over a month now, and I'm ok. I lost my insurance when I was laid off 2 months ago and those 2 meds were more than I could afford. I go back to work tomorrow, my insurance should resume in 90 days, and I will decide then whether or not to go back on them. For now, I am working hard to be the man I know I can be.

Having a strong support system is helpful, I have found that in a number of people here and in my local friends. Today is a great day :)

Excellent. It's always good when we can manage these things on our own. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't accept help when needed or available, but it is an achievement if you can do it yourself.

Sigh, today is a bad day. I need to find something to distract me.

I just woke up like this.

Some days are better than others. I am visiting friends and my "house" is parked near where we used to live before my wife died. I expected a flood of memories and it came, but thankfully the memories were of the good times. My doctor tells me that I am overdue for a serious episode of depression (the diagnosis was bipolar2), but so far I've been lucky.

Friends are important. I am lucky to have friends who happen to be Sufis. If I am nearby, I can make a phone call and a group of people wearing "interesting" costumes are available to dance and sing and celebrate life. It is very difficult to feel down in their midst.

Some researchers are exploring the kinetic link to depression a little further. We know that when in the pit of depression we don't want to move and that movement can even be painful. Some think that the link is bi-directional. They have been doing experiments where they take depression patients to an all day gospel festival, for example. Jumping around, clapping, and otherwise getting into the flow of the music seems to have a positive impact. I can think of a few rock concerts they might want to try too.

I'm a little strange, so I like my walks in the woods or by the ocean to bring me back to the present and away from the edge of the abyss. I have come close to the edge, a few times recently, but have been able to fight back. I don't want meds that will make me feel blah and have resisted taking them. Life is just so damned fascinating to dull the experience with drugs.

Although my doctor once told me that she could refer me to a doctor who would write me a prescription for medical marijuana to fight depression.....

So I tried killing myself last night...and I don't know what to make of it.

I took an entire bottle of ambien, an entire bottle of muscle relaxants, and a 1/3rd of a bottle of whiskey before I passed out.

I woke up feeling fine. WTF? I didn't even sleep in. I swear there's a small part of me that believes I can't die now.

Anyone have any explanation for why I didn't die? I didn't even get a hangover for christ's sake.

Please, please, please, go to the hospital. I was where you are a year ago (go back a few pages, the whole thing unfolded in this thread). You don't have to live w/ the darkness. I know you don't see it now, but please trust me, there is hope.

I'd just like to know why I survived/it had no effect on me.

They always warn you about mixing other muscle relaxants and alcohol with sleep agents. Yet, I did as much as I could and passed out. How do I not at least have a hangover? I woke up 6 hours later feeling completely normal. Its crazy compared to everything I heard. They were full dosages too. Not half or anything. And all of it was taken within 20 minutes.

Thanks for your concern, but I'll either die or not.

I'm certainly not the most religious guy in the world, so I'm not gonna get all preachy on ya. Having said that, I have had a few things happen to me that I never should have lived through, however I did. I believe that I simply wasn't supposed to die.

For a minute lets run with that part of you that believes that you can't die . That doesn't mean that you have to live with the bullshit your head is feeding you. I only sought help because a few people asked me to. I didn't want to live, I seriously was done. I didn't want to live and I couldn't die. I hated the idea of all the bs I was gonna have to go through, but I certainly wasn't gonna live with the way I was feeling, so I had to do something to change that.

Though you may feel that no one cares if you live or die, I do...

Thank you very much for your words. The thing is though, I'm already seeking help. I see a psychiatrist regularly. Meds don't help. Counselors haven't helped. Its getting very tiring.

The meds helped me through the crisis, the counseling gave me somebody safe to talk to about the bullshit in my head. Neither of those will solve the entire problem.

The biggest thing I had to change was my perspective. I found that a large part of what was happening w/ me, I was doing to myself. It wasn't what was happening around me, but what I told myself about what was happening and what I was focused on. Sure the meds and counseling helped a bit, but it was about letting others help, and helping myself. I leaned pretty hard on a few people here, that helped.

In the meantime, please go to the hospital, you're not supposed to die, and it's not too late to stop or undo some of the physical damage that those pills, combined w/ the alcohol, may have done.

Been to the hospital. Hate it.

I'm disabled. I'm not just doing it to myself. There is no escaping my disability.

This isn't a "temporarily sad for a few months cause my girlfriend dumped me" kind of depression. I've been struggling with it for a decade and it just gets worse and worse.

I totally get it. The hospital sucks, but i'm talking about going for physical reasons, not mental. That kind of medication has gotta be doing some damage, and could make life a whole lot more miserable.

I have suffered w/ depression for as long as I can remember. I'd love to tell you that one can completely overcome it, but I dunno that it's possible. I do know that there is relief though. I still struggle from time to time, some days are worse than others, some days are horrible, some days are pretty freakin good, but most days are just...ok. It takes constant work on my part to maintain that, but I am willing to do it, because I never want to feel "that way" again.

Getting a proper diagnosis of things like bi-polar disorder is rare it seems.
I have been put on many pharmesutical drugs - last being metrazapine - that made my head go a bit muggy, and every day the cloud in my head got thicker - untill it was as thick and heavy as one of those grounded clouds - a sheep. Tried them for the two weeks.
Was on hypericum - but that doesnt go with blood pressure meds - you get this tight metal band around your chest - . I asked my doctor if it would be good to increase my seratonin levels - of course it would. I take borage aka starflower - romans called it 'the herb that cheers'. I take Zopiclone as I cant sleep. One of the worst bits - no the worst bit - because of the constant anxiety and depression, it affects my blood pressure, and meds were unable to control it - and I had a brain aneurysm. After surgery I was told how important it is to get it down and keep it down (impossibleish). I usualy have a bit og green to take the edge off - sometimes, like many, to avoid reality. My son has a 'personality disorder' - his symptoms look like bi-polar. We have both tried alone to kill ourselves - quite awfull, on day he said he wished he was dead, and I so wanted to say, come on then, lets go together, end the pain. Mums shouldnt say things like that or even think them should they. We plod or stumble on, just the two of us in our family - my birth family - lots of maternal abuse to two of the children - I used to beat myself up all the time, and one day I was out with Mr Ben - he was a schnauzer x jrt, and had been kicked with doc martin boots by a chap with black trousers, and he had been tortured. He would freak at black trousers and shoes - tried to nip a police womans trousers because she was at his door and, to his mind, coming for him to give him the expected kicking - he never got over it, and one day walking him I thought, its not his fault he is this way, its what has been done to him. Then I thought, why can I be so much kinder to the dog than I am to my self, who I beat up about everything. Working with abused and head shot animals - the shadows are always there, hidden away in the back of their minds maybe, but always there. I accept they are products of what has happened to them.

I can't work up the courage to take the coward's way out. I'm unhappily addicted to tomorrow. I don't think there's a refined chemical solution, so I applaud your experimenting with botanicals, chinese crested. It's not any fault of ours we are.

does st john wort really work?

On St Johns Wort - do not take it if you are on blood pressure meds. The two do not go together. Borage is very good at increasing the 'happiness chemical' in the brain. The romans called it 'the herb that cheers'.
I found prozac to be evil, and seroxat too. Was also put on metrazapine - which just put a fluffy cloud thick as a sheep in my head.
Its very easy to feel like a victim, as has been said - but if a person has survived tragedy abuse or whatever, they are a survivor - and as such should hold their heads up. I know its only a very thin line twixt one and t'other. Having said that, I just spent yesterday in bed having had a run in with a very rude and rather vile elderly man that upset me greatly on saturday. Of course I should have let it slide like water off a ducks back - but I dont work that way. Doubtless the old git went to church yesterday like the good christian he is every sunday morning for two hours.

So I finally picked up this book. I read the first two chapters and completed the test. I guess I'm around 50 out of 100 on the scale, which is on the borderline for severe depression. I started with a score of 53 but thought maybe I was exaggerating my symptoms (they've been around for a long time). I managed to down rank to 48 or so. It doesn't really matter because I'm a far cry from "mildly depressed". The book's author suggests that we can expect to drop below 10 (which is not depressed but not happy) and to spend much of life "happy" at below 5. I don't remember if maybe I ever ranked below 10 let alone 5. Maybe childhood. Maybe never.

To me I can't imagine even cutting my score in half to 25, which is still in the upper end of mildly depressed. Do most people really live most of their lives at scores as low as 5 or 10? I can't imagine it. All this tells me is that I don't think I know what it feels like to be happy, even in a clinical sense. I know "happiness" has lots of idealism attached to it but is clinical happiness what most people have? I think that since it's been so long that I've normalized my depression.

I'm not sure if I'm encouraged or discouraged at this point. I hope to force myself to continue with the book. It sounds promising and it's the closest thing I'll get to cognitive therapy at this point.

I dont know to what degree I am "mentally ill".

Both my parents have been diagnosed and medicated for depression. I was in counselling for a couple of months at age 19 for panic attacks. (after a while I just stopped going, all I used to do was invent fantasy's to tell the counseller, and I just felt like I was making a fool of myself)

I think I know I have some mental health "issues"... that I have dark moods and mood swings which are worse than normal people, that I have problems with self esteem and feeling like everyone around me hates me or is mocking me sometimes. Sometimes I dont sleep well, but that hasnt been a problem for the last year or so. Ive also stopped smoking and cut back probably 90% of what I used to drink (in terms of alcohol)

I dont think I will ever seek professional help again, because I think I can cope with it. But I guess sometimes the problems I have make me act irrationally, make me shut myself off from other people, and make my life worse than it ought to be.

_

I have done things that you might call "mad" before - like deliberately cut my arm when I was drunk because some girl didnt reply to a text message I sent, smashed things in my flat, written "you're a cunt" etc on the wall of my bedroom, broken windows... but when I look back I feel ashamed about it and I cant imagine doing it again now.

I couldnt ever imagine seriously hurting myself, I couldnt imagine having a real break down or failure. But sometimes my moods and feelings tip over the edge on unbelievably small things, and I blow up the tinest event to be a big deal and a sign that someone thinks Im a tosser or is laughing at me behind my back.

'Theres no one sane 'cept thee and me,
And I aint too sure about thee'

The late Spike Milligan - bi-polar comic artist, writer, and jolly nice chap.

Dont you find, that all the best people, have just a touch of lunacy about them.

Dear Anonymous:

I am editing this because I did not read all of the thread so I am just going to delete a lot of my text because it seems like you have been down this road quite a while and have tried a lot of things.

I have suffered from depression most of my life. I drank and smoked marijuana for a large portion of it to deal with the depression. Then I got sober and went quietly insane. No one would have ever guessed, or ever guess, that I know exactly how I would kill myself, planned down to the most minute detail.

The darkness sucks out your soul and any small degree of joy one might have is way beyond your grasp or imagination.

LunarEclipse.

LunarEclipse.

Not making light of it at all - many of us are in the same boat. Isnt it depressing when you try and kill yourself and cant even get that right. I know I have dark pit times, they are always at my shoulder. Watching South Park one night with my lad, they did the 'aunt Flo' episode. When aunt Flo comes to visit, you know your mother gets upset etc. I now try to think of the dark times as a visit from aunt Flo - I know they will pass - I try and hold onto that. I too find walking in the woods to be a benefit. You know 'contemplating nature' used to be the posh treatment for melancholia - the poor got Bedlam. I am glad I came on this thread, I now know I am not the only one who uses a bit of towelie special medicine to obliterate the immediate present when I cant cope with it. Also helps the sleeping pills work - nights when sleep wont come are every night. You know govt stats are always lies on the topic, I suffered from depression way before I heard of towelies stuff - first overdose I was 14/15. Annonymous, please try and hold on to the memory of light when you find yourself in the darkness. Dont forget to bring a towel.

It'll be a year tomorrow, today has not been good. I've seen the crash coming for a few weeks now, and today it's here. I'm not ok. I'm not actively suicidal, but I'm scared, the thoughts are there, but I won't act on them. I know this will pass, that I just need to hang on for today.