I'm glad that you're going to seek some help from people who are trained in dealing with this.

I'm also glad that you've come forward as an individual. Two big steps you've taken, removing the anonymity and going to seek help.

cj, I'm glad to hear you're going to seek help. Please follow through with this. I know it's hard. Some of us who are here have been where you are. Like lurkette said--right now, your perceptions are distorted. The best thing you can do is put the care of yourself into the hands of a professional. It's the hardest step to take, but it is necessary.

We're always here to talk if you need to. Please keep us updated, and know that I'm thinking of you.

Next winter I plan to get "light treatmeent" for SAD, because I get the winter blues so badly that I can hardly get out of bed!

Apparently B-12 injections can help many SAD sufferers feel better during the long dark months also. Often times a daily vitamin of B-12 & C is helpful along with St. John's Wort.

However people are not supposed to use St. Johns Wort with meds that are prescribed. Not sure of the details but I have read that info. someplace recently.

Please Always: Talk to your pharmacist or chemist, whenever you try natural cures.

Hello, cj. This is positive news:
Your commitment to seek help.
Talking with your friends and family.

All good.

So, here's to sticking with that plan, yes?

As snowy said, we are here to talk if you need to, please keep us updated
and know that I'm thinking about you.

I have a gun safe at my in-laws house. I have asked my wife to lock my guns up there. There is no logical reason for me to have access to them at this point in my life.

I am on my way to get food, though I'm really not hungry (I just realized I have not eaten anything in 24 hours now), and then to the hospital. I still don't want to go, but I've told too many people I am going, so I really must.

Again....thank you guys. It's extremely comforting knowing that people understand wtf is going on in my head, because I sure as hell don't understand it.

Hey, when I was in a similar situation, I didn't either.
The understanding will come in time.

Kudos on locking the guns safely away.

I know about being stubborn. It has its good qualities too.

Stubbornly refuse to let those dark thoughts prevail.

Peace be with you.

good luck my friend, looking forward to your return.

I'm at the hospital posting from my phone. they've done a ct scan, and blood work. the ct scan because i almost always have a headache, combinesd w/ everything else it' worth a look. They've placed me on a 7 day mental health hold. I'm actually relieved by this. My boss told me job is safe...one less stressor.

Thanks for the update. Hang in there! You will get through this.

:icare:

Thanks for the update.

Yes, that relief feeling is comforting. You are in a safe place now.

I hope your cold gets better. Try to rest & sleep if you can.

they're probably going to take my phone...if so i'll be offline for a week. Accck no internet for an entire week?

good luck CJ.

i dont know whats harder... being in a hospital for a week or no internet access.

In hospital with no internet is pretty awful, but it's a necessary step on the path to better health.

Sometimes I also forget this, although (as far as I know) I have no mental health issues.

Good luck to you sir, we're all hoping for the best here. Take care of yourself, and the rest will fall in line on it's own.

Hi CJ. When I first had a depressive spell, I was asked "do you want to kill yourself" and explained to the therapist that i didn't want to kill myself as an act, but if I'd had access to "unbeing" I would have taken it.

I think many people hold back from the edge due to the fears of other people having to clear up and live with the death. I certainly did.

I'm glad you're getting help. Be well. :)

Good news about your job, and about getting the headache looked at. Thanks for keeping us posted. We'll be pulling for you and looking forward to your next update.

---------- Post added at 08:32 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:28 AM ----------

I likened it to just wanting a reset button. It wasn't that I wanted to die, exactly, I just wanted to stop being me, or go back and start over and do everything "right" this time. The lyric in Wilco's "Ashes of American Flags" summed it up perfectly for me: "I know I would die if I could come back new"

I've never felt I wanted to be dead. I've felt that I wanted my life to not have happened. All the troubles I've felt responsible for, all the people looking to me for answers, all my responsibilities and cares not left unresolved (as they would be by death) but never having happened.

Not an ending, but an un-happening.

I decided I might throw in my own story of recent months.

A couple of months ago I started to really slide into a dark place (I've battled with depression on and off for years). A combination of sleeping problems, being absolutely miserable at work, and identifying that I had serious problem with opening myself up or allowing myself to get romantically involved with people started to really take it's toll on my mental health and my physical health was really starting to suffer. I quickly realised that all this was starting to feedback on itself and I'd slipped into a shade of black I hadn't known before.

After a particularly bad day at work I decided to up and leave work without another job to go to. I had a lot of money saved up and the job market for my field was pretty good. When I tried to leave work, they bastards pulled me up on a clause in my contract that said if I left before my contract was up I had to forfiet two weeks pay unless I was leaving for certain reasons. So I had to spill the beans about why I was leaving to my doctor so that I cold get a doctors certificate just so I could get paid for the work I was doing. My doctor, however, said that I had to see a psychologist. Luckily though, in Australia we have a universal mental health plan where the government will heavily subsidise the coast of counseling if your GP identifies you as being at risk.

So after I left work and was looking for a new job my mood and health improved greatly, and I started seeing a psychologist. I realised for the first time that I could no longer ignore my mental health issues, that they were a lot worse than I was letting on to even myself, but the most positive thing is I finally felt like I could actually get better. I'll admit, my first session with the psych I was terrorfied.

After a month of being unemployed and getting quite a few knock backs from employers I was starting to get a little worried. But, last week I landed a job, an awesome job with a really cool company. It was exactly the kind of job and employer I was looking for.

Two months ago I was in a dark place and felt my life had nothing going. Now I feel like I've managed to take a step back, work out what I think is wrong with it, and have managed to take control of it again. Dealing with my mental issues will take time, getting my career on track and where I want to be will take time, learning to be happy with myself and opening myself up to the women who take and interest and the women I take an interest in will take time. As my existence approaches its 27th revolution around our very own low mass star, I finally feel like I'm starting to take charge of my life, I finally feel like soon I'll get out of the old habit of self loathing and start learning to accept and love myself.

Any how, that's just a little from me, you've all opened up so much about something I always struggled with.

And we're glad you did!

It's always heartening to hear about someone confronting the issue head-on and having things take a turn for the better! Kudos to you for doing what you needed to do to take care of yourself. Up and quitting your job took courage and I'm glad it paid off.

Thank you guys, seriously, I cannot even begin to express how much of a help this thread has been.

I got home from the hospital today. I am now living alone. I don't maintain much hope that my marriage will survive, but we haven't closed the door on it either. I still love her, I still want to be married to her, but I don't know that we can put it back together.

I will be following up w/ an MD, a counselor, and some anger management classes. I must get myself healthy. For the time being the doc at the hospital has put me on a mood stabilizer, but I'm really on a rollercoaster. Coming home today, knowing I was going to truly be alone was completely overwhelming. It's gonna be an interesting ride.

Glad to hear from you, CJ. Sounds like you are getting some good help. It may take some time for your new medications to fully take effect--don't lose hope and don't stop taking them unless instructed to do so by your doctor.

What are you doing to take care of your physical health? Do you exercise at all? I ask because one of the things I've noticed is that when I'm feeling down at all, just getting out for a walk can make a difference in my mood and my stress levels. It gives my mind a break to just put my body through the paces, and looking at things outdoors often helps too. You might find some comfort in doing the same as you go through this tough spot, as it certainly sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

I really hope you continue to keep us posted, and please don't forget how many of us here are willing to listen when you need to talk.

glad that you're safe and sound.

be patient it takes time.

I have done nothing much to take care of myself for a very long time, physically, or mentally. I am fortunate to have some short hiking trails right around the corner, so I'm sure as the weather improves I'll be taking advantage of that. I also spend a fair amount of time in an inflatable kayak on the Rogue River, again as the weather improves.

I'm glad to still be around, part of me is dreading the work that I have in front of me, part of me is excited...

Glad to see you back, cj! Keep us posted, and Snowy's advice is spot-on: even if it's just a walk around the block, do some physical activity every day. Exercise has been clinically proven to improve depressive symptoms.

Keep us posted!

So it's been a couple of weeks, meds are working, and counseling is extremely helpful. I miss wife and kids terribly.

I'm still searching for an anger management group, if I can't find a sutable one, I may end up forming one.

I'm still pretty up and down, but not like I was.

So good to hear your making progress.

Today, I'm taking Snowy & Lurkette's advice.

I'm going for a walk. It can be the most difficult thing for me to get out
of my chair sometimes. Breaking the inertia of being stuck in my thoughts is so important.

I always feel better emotionally & physically after some exercise.

Yes. Get outside today. Yesterday I spent the day running the rapids in my inflatable kayak. It was great for my head. Today I'll be mowing (not nearly as fun, but I'll be doing something.

Depression sucks, I have to get through this.

i'm bouyed by the fact that you're here and discussing these things with us.

..what id do to ride the rapids again...good for you cj!

If ya ever get out to southern Oregon during late spring (now) through early fall (end of Septemberish), we'll go float. The section of River I run is pretty fun, not too technical (class 2 and 3 rapids), but still big enough to be a blast!

Ah, so good to hear from cj and ring...glad you are both doing well!

I've also discovered a creek hidden in an empty grass lot down the hill from our house...good to just wade out and let the water carry my stress out through my feet!

CJ, good luck on finding the anger management support group. Have you tried online? As in online groups, not groups that meet IRL?

I had not even thought of an online group. That may be something i check out if I can't find something locally.

I do some online groups and online studies. They are not necessarily a replacement for IRL meetings but they do get me by when I cannot make such a thing.

Interesting thread.

I've been struggling with drug abuse and addiction (opiates, amphetamines, and benzodiazepines), depression, Asperger syndrome (although that is disputed, more about that soon), and other psychological problems.
About 6 monts ago, I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, but my psychiatrist and my psychologist think that diagnosis may be wrong. The issue is that I don't experience empathy. I have never felt empathy for anyone or anything, ever. I rarely feel anything, which has led my doctors to think it might be a neurological issue. This friday, I'm scheduled for a brain scan, during which they will see if my emotional center in my brain is active, by asking me emotional questions (and letting me answer) to see how me and my brain react, and they have mentioned psychopathy as a possible cause.

I just wanted to get this off my chest.

mqa,

Getting it off your chest is one of the most positive things you can do. I used to hide and withdraw a lot, to deny to myself and those around me just how bad my mental health was.

You're doing the right thing man, you're dealing with it, you're seeking help, you're trying to change. You'll get there, one step at a time, you'll get there.

Best of luck with it man and thanks for sharing, just remember, even the tallest mountains are conquered with the smallest of steps.

Thanks.

The thing is, though.. I don't really feel anything because of all this either, I'm just curious about how it's going to turn out. And I don't know if I want to change how I am. I don't really love myself, but I wouldn't want to be different, or be someone else, either.

Anyway, thanks for your support (:

It really wasn't all that long ago that I thought all that different from you.

I let my view of myself and my attitude towards myself gradually fester and compound until it was just a bad old habit, and old habits die hard. I didn't know anything else, I didn't know any other way to see myself. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind it wasn't healthy, but I was too used to, and comfortable with the status quo. I couldn't be bothered with change.

It was just fortunate that a number of things happened in the last 6 months that really opened my eyes to just how bad things had gotten without me really realising it.

I'm still battling with a few demons, and that will take some time. But for the most part at the moment I feel like a new person, a better person. I'm left wondering why the fuck it took me so long to deal with all this in the first place. But everything happens in its own time and space I guess, for better or worse.

Even tho this tread was made by the head troll herself, I'm really glad to see it helping people on this site. That's the purest form of awesomesauce out there. Makes me happy to see people getting help.

I wish woods well, with her head issues. Her road has been rough.
She left behind a thread that's become,
as Eden says: "That's the purest form of awesomesauce"

I spent an hour of moderate steady swimming in the pool today.
& then floated on my back for twenty minutes, gazing at the vaulted wood ceiling,

Buoyant & Buoyant.

1585 days

• 136,944,000 seconds
• 2,282,400 minutes
• 38,040 hours

or quite simply...

4 years, 4 months, 4 days

thank you all for making me think of it today.

it is awesomesauce.

Yay you!

Congrats Cyn. I needed a bit of good news today!