Anxiety, depression & addiction... oh my! The mental illness thread.
 

I was going to start this anonymously, but if I did I'm sure others would do the same thing and it'd be one big ol' anonymous thread (but if you feel you must post anonymously, please do feel free to use the available option.) So I grew testicles (small ones,) and I'm starting a discussion on mental illness. Your diagnosis, drugs of choice, current head meds, issues you have with abuse in your past, overall need for help, etc. Maybe you'd just like to learn more on how to handle a loved one's dealio. Bring it.

I'll start out -

Hello. My name is wooÐs. I was diagnosed (finally,) as bipolar about 5-6 years ago. In my family, it's hereditary. I also have a problem with addiction. Drugs of choice, today, are mainly painkillers. I gave up a daily herb habit last year but omfg do I miss it! Had issues with cocaine for a period of years - great weight loss plan, but it's pricey. :o I've been in rehab 7 times since my senior year in high school - so that makes it over a span of 16 years. I've had issues with depression and anger since some abuse bs that took place at a young age. Currently, I'm on 7 head meds that I take daily - some at night, some in the AM, one only when needed. I'm way past any sort of side effects. And that's it for me for now.

I had so much problems since the last three years to the begin of this year.
I was very obsessed with studying and research strive for excellence. I don't know why was fixed in my head to give all exams with grade "30 cum laude" that is "over the maximum" degree (probably in USA is an A+ degree) and I piss off every single step done wrong (I mean, if I cannot follow a lesson properly or understood a concept immediatly). Also in my research I was pretending to do everything right on the first shot, that is, in retrospective, quite impossible thing to do because you're the first one on the planet to do it (this is why they call it research) and researching is made of do everything you can do wrong, so the last step would be mandatory right (As Bohr said "An expert is one that made every possible mistakes in a field").
I was very depressed all the time, becouse there was always something I did wrong or I was afraid to do it wrong or whatever, closing me in some sort of authism for hours (sometime days) doing the math, complaing myself to note get the solution before and things like that.

I don't know why, I consciousness KNOW that I was pretending doing the impossible and without a reason, but I was feeling that was the only thing to do to give the best, and the expectation many people put on me was surely over my best (After my undergraduation, with thesis on a new crystals for PET devices, my mom start to think I was be able of inventing whatever I like. When she caught me playing she had used to yell "Don't play, you must be inventing something! You can save lifes and spend times playing!". That was odd... :\ ).
Indeed it was a very dark period, full of depression, anxiety, at the limit of the suicide, but it was also maybe the most creative I've ever had (and maybe I'll ever had); striving so much trying to understand every bit of information made me full of ideas, able to solve difficoult problems, in fact I had the intuition about the core of the theory I'm developing during the past year and I was able to graduate with 30 (A) or better results (only some of them with laude) making me one of the best candidate for a research grant.

I had very much help from my friend (expecially from a good friend of mine) and my girlfried that kept me up and tolerate my crazyness.

Maybe this is one of the example on how a mental distress can be turned in somewhat positive (but not desiderable, trust me).
My subjestion from mine experience is : As soon as you are in the mood, create.

Yeah ok - I think I follow. The English isn't that bad lol.

It's very common for comedians to either live with depression or to have had issues with depression at some point in their lives. Not only is it what feeds their creativity but laughter is sometimes the only thing that'll get you by. In your case, it wasn't humor but something else.

And yeah, I feel good can come from depression and sadness. I can look back on my roughest periods and appreciate the smallest things today - whether it be children playing in my yard or a chicken dinner - there were times I wasn't close to really experiencing either of these things even if they were right in front of my face.

Ty for contributing. :o

I've been diagnosed with depression and I've got some severe anxiety issues. Lately this has played out in the form of bruxism; I've taken to wearing a night guard lest I chew through my cheek.

Luckily school starts tomorrow which means that 1) I have access to the student rec center (gym) again, 2) I have access to counseling, and 3) I can go talk to my doctor (who should be back from her summer vacation) about increasing the dosage on my medication.

What are you on, snow?

I also had periods with bruxisism, but not necessary during periods with depression or anxiety.
It's bad mostly because I woke up with a terrible headache :dead:, you too?

According to an old 'update' thread I just came across, I learned that anonymous posting isn't allowed under 'Life.' Can a moderator please move this thread to a section where members can indeed post anonymously? Wish this was caught earlier. And hopefully it'll inspire more people to take part.

Thx

Anonymous posting is, indeed, available in Tilted Life. The update you came across was old. :)

Good gawd lol.

Can we keep all the rules, updates, etc. in one area then?

Thanks lol.

/thread

---------- Post added at 10:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:42 PM ----------

Ok srsly - 117 views and only 8 posts? You people will expose your boobies and schlongs in chat but not hit up mah thread? Come on!

The few of us certainly can't be the only ones with head issues on this forum ffs lol.

I'm on citalopram, woods. One of the known side effects of SSRIs is bruxism, but I've been taking citalopram off and on for years without this sort of problem.

It seems to have gone away now...I think being home and taking up my, erm, self-medication has helped with the anxiety.

I take Celexa as part of my cocktail too. Was on Lexapro for a while, but it's pricey and I'm not insured. So he switched me to Celexa which is much cheaper.

I take xanax as needed for anxiety. For me, it's so far from a drug of choice, so addiction isn't an issue thankfully. If I take more than I need, I just fall asleep. But when I really need it, omg it's magical.

Hmm, let's see. I've dealt with depression for, sadly, most of my life. I've been on medication for it, in one form or another, since 1996. I find that it really does get worse around a certain time of the month. It was entertained at one point that I had PMDD, but it didn't stick. Right before I got married (say a month and a half or so) and through the first year almost of marriage I had severe anxiety that manifested itself in severe and daily vomiting. It was fucking horrible. It got to the point that I didn't want to eat because I knew it was only a matter of time before it would come back up. On our honeymoon I was so sick I had to see an MD and I threw up to the point of having severe dehydration. Score!

The Dr. back in the States I first went to put me on Buspar which was a joke. I finally went to another Dr. and was put on Klonopin and Lexapro in daily doses. The Klonopin did wonders for helping initially, but I developed a tolerance for it, so was weaned off. The Lexapro helped with anxiety, but caused issues b/c it screwed with my libido. At this point Wellbutrin (my anti-depressant of choice) was reinstated along with the Lexapro. My husband left me, the anxiety went away, I stopped the Lexapro a few months later and now am on just the Wellbutrin (I admit I'm not so great at remembering to take it everyday, shame on me) I rarely have anxiety attacks anymore, and never throw up unless I am sick.

I can pretty much tell now when life is going to feel really shitty, and can talk myself through it. It usually lasts three or four days at a time and then I feel OK again. I can't say I ever feel fan-fucking-tastic, but I often wonder if anyone does?

lol

Yeah Buspar is a joke. I concluded that when I worked in a vet's office and learned they give the same human doses to small dogs to calm them from separation anxiety. Seriously - how can that do anything for an adult?

Never did Klonopin. But I think that's addicting as well? I've heard stories but not everything you hear is true so I dunno. I really liked Lexapro. But like I said above, I couldn't swing it financially. And I'm also on Wellbutrin.

How horrible vomiting must have been. And I completely relate to knowing when your funk is coming. I can't always talk myself through it, but I know the best ways to cope with it all. Don't answer the phone unless it's Mom or a certain friend, and hide under my favorite blanket. Isolation actually works best once I've been triggered into a funk. I come out of it after a few days usually (but as mentioned in another thread, this bout has been going for a bit too long lol.)

So for me, it's... *clears throat*...
Celexa
Lithium
Wellbutrin
Risperdal
Depakote
Xanax as needed
Trazadone as needed for sleep

Yes I'm a walking pharmacy. But I promise you I'm no nut job............................as long as I take my meds regularly :o. I've been on a lot of other meds since '93. Nothing has worked as well as this current cocktail. 'Bout f'ing time.

Red - do you see a psychiatrist? Do you mind if I ask who you see? We may share doctors lol.

And I'm just going to put it out there - if anyone has any questions about drugs or various conditions, I'll welcome pm's. I may not be able to help, but mental illness is so damn taboo that people are often too ashamed to mention anything to anyone about it, especially on a public forum. I've been through a lot - abuse, eating disorder, addiction, bipolar, depression, anxiety, anger issues, self esteem, etc. There's always a sort of bond between those who suffer from shit like this. I'm open if you are.

My story is pretty pointless, though I've been diagnosed with clinical depression almost ten years ago and takes Mirtazapine (Remeron in the US). I've had Bruxism pretty much my whole life, had a tooth splint a while back which helped against the headaches I usually wake up with but it cracked and I haven't been able to justify the cost of making a new one.

I've been on a few other antidepressants but the one I take now is the only one I've tried that has at least a marginal effect and allows me the odd short spell of sometimes just feeling normal. I had serious trouble with the side effects of most of the others I took, mainly they killed my sex drive which had me completely thrown off seeing them as something wholly and fully detrimental to my condition and I stopped taking them for a long while. It wasn't until I finally met with a new doctor that I started taking the meds I'm on now. I'm not happy, but at least I can feel normal feelings for short periods and I haven't noticed any change in my libido.. Guess I wasn't really expecting to be "cured" though, so I suppose this is as good as it will ever get..

As for addictions, I worked as a bartender several years ago and during that period I was heavily dependent on alcohol, I couldn't even sleep without having at least a minor buzz. Though the odd thing about it was that when I quit the bartending jobs my habit just seemed to vanish. I spent nearly four years after that without ever touching as much as a beer and I found that I can easily drink socially now (though I don't generally drink much) without having any need for more or to go out of control. Guess I got off easy compared to most others..

I tried Remeron for a very short period. Knocked me out so I'm guessing you take it at night probably?

The largest change in libido I ever noticed was with good ol' fashioned Prozac. And this was over 10 years ago. But it killed it.

Re: drinking, yeah you definitely are fortunate! But it's like a kid in a candy store I guess. If it's there, you're gonna indulge.

I would rather show my cock in chat than talk about my mental issues. Head issues are personal and I don't like admitting my weaknesses to anyone. My friends know and people who I trust know, that's enough for me.

Hell, I'm not forcing you. The thread was bare. But really Eden? I mean, seriously? Showing your schlong in front of complete strangers is even more personal than discussing issues with adults ffs lol.

This is why a lot of guys feel completely comfortable naked in a locker room but would sooner chew their own arm off instead of talking about their feelings. Honestly, I'm with you, Eden.

I've never been diagnosed with anything, and I don't think I'm sympomatic of anything (beyond some occassional self-destructive behavior). BUT I've got a very close family member that's been diagnosed on both ends of the spectrum as well as 2 suicides within 3 generations on one side. I pay attention to these threads because they help explain a lot to me in ways that I can't ask.

But talking about what's in MY head? Better get out the bamboo shoots to drive under my fingernails.

And that's totally fine. But this forum is LOADED with personal info. And not just smut. But it was a ridiculous analogy insinuating posting his dick isn't personal. Sorry, but that's no strength by any means lol.

Regardless I'm glad you popped in Jazz. I tried to keep the thread open for 'outsiders' too. To ask questions or voice concerns or what not. Hope more people continue to post :).

I consider my mental illness a weakness. Everyone can bash me on this, but it is how I feel about my head issues. I don't like admitting weakness to anyone and it takes me alot to open up to people about this. I do admit to telling a few tfpers about my issues, but not in a thread. I'll tell you about my sex life, personal life, or what my dreams are, but there are lines I won't cross.

Plus, I show my dick and ass for laughs. It's not a sexual thing for me, it's just another dick and fart joke to me.

Mental illness is not a weakness. It's a fact of life. Would you say that a man with a congenital heart defect is "weak"? No. There is little people can control about their own mental illness, due to the variety of factors that go into causing and creating it. What you do have control over is how you deal with your mental illness. For some people, yes, sharing is constructive. For others, not so much.

Personally, I think it's a shame that mental illness still has a taboo for some. My SO's grandmother, when she found out I was being treated for depression, asked me if people treated me differently when they found out I was a depressive. I laughed. No--why would they? The majority of people understand that it's not something I can control easily--it's a defect of my brain chemistry.

I do the best I can with it. I find sharing my story with others to be helpful in a variety of ways. I certainly don't see my depression as a weakness. Sometimes, I even see it as a strength because it helps me to relate to others with depression in a way that those who are depression-free will never, ever understand. I've seen the bottom, I know what it looks like, and it makes me more empathetic as a result.

I don't consider other people "weak" because of the mental illness, I consider *myself* weak because of it. I won't look down on someone for having these problems, I look down on myself for letting a chemical imbalance in my brain affect my life. I do talk to people about it and it helps, but I just don't like sharing to much. I only let a few people in and those are a select few. I am taking steps to help myself deal with issues in my brain and some of them help. I just wanted to clarify that, didn't want to bash people unintentionally.

Well, I know who you work for...

Then you should know what they're capable of. If you think the stick up MY ass is thick and rigid....

Some guys talk about feelings. Others don't. There is no magic bullet.

I have, as you can probably tell from the times of my posts, terrible terrible insomnia. I have taken most everything on the market for it, as well as some things RXed off label for it, to no avail. No way could I state that Remeron or Trazodone "knocked me out" - funny how one person is so different from another.

No Psychiatrist right now. There isn't anything a Psychiatrist can do that my regular GP cannot at this point. No therapist either. I'm actually very close to being a therapist myself. But that is a whole 'nother story.

I'm sad that people still view mental struggles as weaknesses that they should be able to overcome without any assistance. (Granted there are situational issues which can iron themselves out without much outside help, but I think those are less prevalent.) What is it going to take for them to comprehend that it's actually no different than having any other chronic condition? I worked in a therapeutic setting for children with emotional/behavioral conditions and they were much braver in accepting/dealing with their condition than so many adults. This amazes me as the bulk of my patients at that time were in 1st-4th grade.

As woods said, no one is forcing anyone to discuss anything. I'd wager, however, there's a high percentage of people who are dealing with some sort of mental struggle on this board, so either everyone on here is just weak, or mental illness is more rampant than most people notice or want to admit. Dancing around the topic doesn't make you look any more/less stable. I can think of several instances when people have posted topics that scream how unstable they are, without blatantly stating it. Whatever gets you through the day!

Talking about my feelings has only earned me disdain and divorce.

Aaah, the paradox of being the in-touch-with-my-feelings guy.

I tried that approach a few times, I sure-as-shootin' won't do it again.

After all, TFP blogs are far more forgiving. And I can erase them.

...

I think my only mental health issue is that I'm tired of people justifying their complacency with them.

"I have daddy issues!" "I'm depressed!" "I was in a car accident!" "I'm not confident."

Okay, gnarly. There is help. Now, what are you doing to remedy the situation?

Nothing.

Yeah, Remeron has that effect, though you get used to it after a while. Nowadays it is more like a mild muscle relaxant than the knockout pill it was when I started. Though I had some serious trouble keeping the pill (and my dinner) down the first few months. It's pretty strong stuff and my stomach wasn't all to happy from it..

As for the kid in the candy store (re alcohol), I suppose that's the most accurate way to describe it. As long as we were sober enough to do our job our boss didn't care if we drank while working. When I finally quit that line of work the urge to drink just went away. Still had some trouble falling asleep at first but that only lasted a short few weeks..

I'm a bit depressed, I guess. I think it's more because of stuff in my life that's not "solved."
Ask me in.. 8 months. It should all be back to normal then.
As for addiction, I smoke green stuff pretty much every day. I think it's probably an addicition. I've had no problems going a few days without it, but when I have it it gets smoked. When I'm out of it, I usually get more within the next few days. I don't have a problem with it, though, as it allows me to get away without getting away.

When I can physically get away from what's causing me pain, I won't need the self-medication as much.

This is largely part of the reason I no longer want to be a therapist. It really sucks listening to the same sob story week after week with patients who will not do any work to even try to get better. I'd rather not waste my life and theirs in 60 minute increments.

Is it complacency, or is it being used as an excuse to act/react a certain way? I see a lot of people use their "issues" as a reason why they are this or that. While that might be true to a degree, there does come a time when you have to stop blaming your parents or your ex or whomever and deal with the cards you've been dealt. We all have options.

Acccooooooouuuntabiiiiilityyyy.

Did you pick up on the melody I threw in there?^^

Yeah, that's a huge word that I didn't learn about until way later. You're accountable for your actions. You're accountable for seeking proper treatment. You're accountable for taking your meds correctly. You are accountable.

Cursing and blaming abusers or enablers in your past is fine. That's all part of progressing and healing. But you can't blame all your bad happenings on them for the rest of your life. It only goes so far.

I'm a lil foggy atm. Has to do with another thread. I'll link back to this one. Long day.

Thanks to everyone for opening up some. Too cool.

---------- Post added at 10:57 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:20 PM ----------

Post of mine in another thread. Just some 'med n' mental' sorta stuff that I guess relates to this thread. Feel free to clickio.

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/2711248-post12.html

My mom, Aunt, and Grandmother are all bipolar. I think my little sister is also bipolar or OCD. I have been dealing with a lot of stress and depression and I'm afraid that I might be bipolar. Sometimes one minute I am fine the next I am angry, frustrated or depressed. My husband gets the worst of it. Some days we can joke around then others I will get pissed off at the littlest of comments. I also have issues with alcohol. I love to drink vodka. Alcohol helps me calm my nerves.

I'm the first to admit that the term 'bipolar' is thrown around too loosely (as well as ADD and ADHD, but I digress.) So many are labeled as bipolar when all they probably need is some damn structure. I hate that.

Anyways, it took years for me to be correctly diagnosed. They just thought I was a rebellious shit for a long time - writing countless bad checks for outrageous shopping sprees, drugs, mood swings, violent tantrums, etc. But finally someone nailed it. My Grandmother had it - but none of us figured I had it too. After reading all the brochures and what not att, yeah - sounded like me.

I don't know if this would be the case with you, but it's a good possibility if you hit up some professional help, they'll immediately label you as bipolar. You might want to put up a little bit of a fight first, sticking with just depression. Oh, I don't know. I'm deffo no doctor, but I do know they're quick to throw the 'b' word to anyone who walks into a shrink's office as a new patient.

But I will say, the mood swings and substance abuse is a common trait of us whack jobs. :p If you have any questions or anything, I'll be more than happy to help as best I can. And I hope you do think about getting some professional treatment. Support can't hurt one bit. :)

My thoughts exactly. Except for sharing a cock. I'd rather run around nekkid and screaming in chat. Skin is skin, my mental issues are mine.
I am wary because of who I am, the profession I'm in and because I choose who to share these things with. And the big stuff is private in my blog for that very reason.
There is nothing wrong with talking about mental health or sharing with other people as long as there are no recommendations flying around that could be misconstrued by someone desperate or less responsible and self-explored without a doctor. This can be dangerous and ethically, I couldn't take part anyway without encouraging MD involvement.

I only wanted to respond to woods' comment about people not responding.
It's a choice and it happens all the time on TFP.

I'll take off my current hat and step out of this thread, have a lovely day, y'all.

As I said, definitely not forcing anyone. It's a personal choice if you choose to contribute to the thread or not. Even if it's just attempting to help another member. If my humorous comment struck a chord with anyone, than that says something. And you guys did admit that yes, you do have some things going on head-wise. That's very cool of you. No one's forcing you to pour your hearts out. But hopefully you can get something beneficial out of reading others' posts.

And a blog is much more public than anonymous posting btw. Just something to think about. :o

We've been on opposite sides of the fence before, Cromp, but I'm with you on this one.

15 years of bartending in the '80's and 90's left me with less & less-functional alcoholism & a monster coke monkey.

One of the most useful things I've learned in recovery is:

yep, you're right, you did get fucked on this one. you got abused/fooled/left by M. Right/screwed over by health care/gov't....take yer pick.


so, what now?

are you satisfied with being a victim? or are you gonna stand up, ask for help & get on with your life?

it's your choice.

Ahh, the 'pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move on' cure.

Look at how successful that's been. :rolleyes:

Many people suffering from mental illnesses need therapy, drugs, and rehabilitation to function in the outside world. Years of working with professionals and taking drugs will help people who normally wouldn't be able to handle everyday life.

Alot of people need the for mentioned cure. Life will fucking suck. Now, suck it up and fucking deal with it.

Personally, I have fought tooth and fucking nail to get my issues under control by sheer willpower alone. Compared to what I was 5 years ago, I'm doing fucking awesome. Some people can do this with just willpower alone, some people can not. I won't say it was easy, but it has worked so far. Drugs FUBAR'd me, my body chemistry is not compatible with those types of medications. I either became a zombie or it made me feel like I was going insane. I will not go back to taking drugs, as I know I can work on my issues without drugs. This is not for everyone, but don't rule it out because it didn't work for you.

My experience has been that it's a fantastic temporary fix. But the shit's going to come spewing out at some point. For me, it's been in the forms of drugs or anger or food.

However if this is what's working for you atm Eden, then I hope it continues to. There's no doubt some things work better for others. And I hope this keeps working in your world.

In closing, and trying not to come off as too flakey, if you need to vent anonymously or what not, it'd be cool if you chose to use this thread. A lot of members may relate to you and also jump in.

:)

I have black moods, and a family history (on both sides) of bipolar disorder, with my paternal grandmother having been hospitalised and given ECT in the early seventies when I was a little baby.

My father apparently did not speak AT ALL in the home for the entire six months that his mother was recuperating at our house. I didn't find this out until 20 years later.

Both of my grandmothers developed dementia at the end of their lives. At the time, I remember beign terrified that this might happen to me - the analogy I used to my parents was that they both behaved like they had tuned in to the wrong station, and then lost the remote. It's an image that still frightens me - what if I lose what makes me, me?

When I was 33, my marriage broke down, and so did I.

The self examination and help I got from professionals at that time caused me to realise that I can be depressive, and depressed, but that "being depressed" is not the same as "being miserable". This was a revelation.

In the 6 years since then, I have come to realise that I am also seasonally affected - getting up while it's still dark really badly plays with my mood.

My real problem is that sometimes it takes someone who loves you to tell you that you need to do something about it, and that's certainly true for me - although I know I have this tendency, I still need someone to give me a heads up that I'm stuck in an unhealthy rut.

Recent research has shown that St John's Wort is as effective as Fluoxitine (Prozac) in countering this sort of seasonal depression, and last year I tried it - it seemed to make a big difference, so I think that this year it might be worth trying again.

Hello darkness my old friend.

Depression and I know each other well. It's a sickening darkness that turns me against people, and turns me against myself. But always, no matter how dark it got, no matter how far I fell down, I never gave up hope that things would get better, that life would get better, that i would get better.

It took me a long time to get where I am in dealing with it. The doctors I saw over the years were never much help. So I took ultimate responsibility for my own happiness. I've found ways and I've grown enough to manage my depression and many of my issues. I blame no one but myself for my flaws. I blame no one else for the things in my life that I'm not happy with.

I still get hit with seasonal depression, paranoia, and insomnia. I still have bad days. I still make awful choices, still fuck up. I'm just much better and realising it all for what it is, accepting that reality, and dealing with it.

I think the biggest catch 22 in my life has been drugs. Weed especially. I think the years of punishment I dished out to my body and mind with booze and drugs is a big factor in why my dark side rears its ugly head. But shit, that phase in my life played such a major role in making me me. In a good way too. The experiences I had during that time in my life are some of my fondest. But a price was paid for it, and that price made me wiser. However, I was oh so lucky.

Some of the dearest people to me payed a very steep price for those fun times. Thinking about this makes me tear up, because those people really are lost too me now. A beautiful mind is a horrible thing to go to waste. Put we all made that choice, we all took that risk. One way or another folks, you're made to pay, unfortunately, there's just some debts you'll never reconcile.

I steer clear of drugs these days, even weed. But you better believe it, I love to drink. I keep fit through riding, I eat alright, and I gave up smoking. At the moment I'm healthy, but I do drink, I do need that one vice. But it goes hand in hand with my creative outlets. Writing is something I have to make sense of anything going on in my mind, and it's something I have to really help with my small bouts of depression. A lil alcohol really helps. I try very hard to keep it in check, and if I can't I deal with the issue that's driving me to drink too much then I deal with that issue.

Mental illness and drug addiction is very close to me. People very dear to me have fallen victim to it, and even more people that I let close to me have been affected by it. I don't think enough people understand it, I don't think enough people are aware of it or even know it's happening to them.

But having said that, you should never use your illness as an excuse for anything. We ultimately responsible for our own lives and actions, blaming it on someone or something else will never change that fact.

This is so common, yet with me it's the complete opposite. I get sad when waking up and it's sunny. Miserable even. But once the sun goes down, it's like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. I can then relax. I know I'll get no unexpected visitors, no phone calls, I don't have to go anywhere, etc. Me-time lol. I believe the pros call this 'isolation.' :/

Thank you for posting :)
I think I know what you're saying here. I spent my worst years addicted during my early-mid 20's. SUCH developmental years for any young adult. I did horrible things. Things I wouldn't dream of doing today. Things that I couldn't get away with today if I tried, simply because I'm not the young, solid, vibrant bombshell I was back then. It was during these years when I really practiced the art of manipulation. I'm still a pro if I choose to tap into it.

I also feel it was this period that instilled in me an artificial charm many mistake for sincerity irl. Then there's my callous sense of humor. You either 'get me' or you don't. As long as I'm entertained, I usually don't care what anyone thinks lol.
Such a shameful thing for an addict to say, but I truly believe we all need something. Food, cigarettes, benzos, exercise - whatever. We all need a sort of crutch and / or outlet. As my Theo Tom used to say, 'Everdytheng in moderation!' *shakes finger*
I'm with you on all counts but something that sickens me is how diagnoses are so easily stamped on peoples' heads like they're graded eggs. It's almost like nowadays, if you're not on some sort of head med, you're just a nobody. This almost discounts those of us with actual problems in need of professional treatment. Similar to emo punk ass cutters who do it for the 'art of attention.' /rant

Thanks for posting. :)

I don't differentiate between mental illness and an abnormal physical condition. In both situations there's something wrong with the machine. Ya...some people will see you as weaker if they know you have issues, but the reality of having to deal with them, I think, is empowering. Unless, of course, you give up on yourself. I've lived with low self esteem for over half a century. I don't take drugs for it, I don't see a counselor, I don't think people who do are weak...they are making an effort to make things right for themselves. Hey, whatever works for you is great. I have bad days that follow on the heals of awesome days...wtf? I have a good cry, give my head a shake, take a look at how much better my life is than others around me, and get over the pity party. Yes...it keeps happening, but the bad times make the good times so much better!

I think this is closer to what I meant to say..........

I didn't mean to convey that some people don't need more help, chemical or otherwise. It's just that blaming someone or something else & not doing anything about it is a way of giving up.

I drink too much, & as pedestrian as that might sound, I still drive quite a bit. I don't go to doctor's for cocktails, or even diagnoses. My merriness is as much in my nature as in my circumstances. If this seems not too compassionate, I'm sure we can help ourselves more than we can help anyone else, & I am not talking capitalism, nor its offspring more perverted.

Our preconceptions mislead us often. Our misconceptions can't fail to do so. I hope this won't belittle anyone's suffering, but I think thinking harder about how & what we think works wonders impossible for chemicals.

This is in no way directed at anyone here, but i believe there is a very large number of people who are on medication for mental illness that have no business being on them. It's like the proffesionals are looking for a quick fix to make a person feel better. I know there are many people who have brain chemistry issues, and therefore need the meds, I'm all for that. For me personally, when I was in highschool my mother thought I was depressed. My parents were divorced when I was 5. She took me to a therapist who before even talking to me prescribed me prozac. I took it for about 2 months. I had weekly sessions with her insisting that I was not depressed, and I complained that I just did not feel right on prozac. I felt like a shell of myself. he said don't worry about it keep taking it. After the 2 months I refused to take another pill. In my view I was not depressed. I think my mother just felt guilty for some reason. I've never been one to let things bother me too much. If I have problems in my life(and there have been plenty) I deal with them the best way I can. Put one foot in front of the other so to speak. Thats just the way I am. I know it doesn't work for everyone though

Well you posted in the thread, so that tells me you're aware of the fact you have a problem. And the driving part is just too much - give me your keys. :/

Ty for posting :o.
I'm with you. Bipolar disorder and ADD / ADHD - bet everyone here knows someone who supposedly has one or the other... or both ffs lol. And kids with some 'illness' all too often just need a swift kick in the ass imho.

This isn't to say someone having problems isn't really having them. But I feel therapy should be the very first course of action other than medication. If something more is needed, the therapist / psychologist always has a back-up network of doctors to refer the patient to.

I'm bi-polar. It is what it is.

I don't think I've seen you around in a while. Nice to see you post. :)

Well, I seem much better this week than last - hopefully that's a combination of the self awareness and the hypericum. :)

Thank you. I'll expand:

I have a serious distaste for all things PC; so please see this every way but the whole 'everyone is special' or 'no one is different' school of thought.

Mental illness is like anything else. Everyone has their problems. Each problem is hard in their own way. People who have never experienced waking up feeling like a monstrosity, or staring in a mirror and having your head swim, or acting obsessively out of a current state of mind. Losing it is hard.

It's all an issue of perspective. My step-father will never understand how difficult it is because he has never experienced something that complex. But his peak of discomfort is just as important as mine. Even though his might seem small to me, he doesn't understand how I gauge. So I don't resent him for being unaware. And I certainly wouldn't wish this on him.

i try not to let it limit me, and when it does i make sure not to let it dissolve anything i built for myself.

I get really depressed sometimes, but I can easily solve it by popping a Wellbutrin just one day.

yay!
Well I hope he doesn't resent you for what you have going on. That would very much suck.
Do you smoke?
I take Wellbutrin, which is supposed to be an aid for quitting smoking as well as an antidepressant, but still have no problems lighting up. I've come across a few others who are the same way.

I used to smoke one clove a week, but Obama put an end to that. Now I don't smoke at all. I never did like smoking. When I was younger and smoked pot, I didn't see the point of smoking something that didn't get you high.

Are you using extended release Wellbutrin? I have had friends who stopped smoking with the help of Wellbutrin XL.

Yeah I'm on the XL. But I've been on it for years.

What I probably should have done is when I first started taking it, make strides to quit at the same time. I'll get there someday.

I know it's really hard for most people. I have heard great things about Chantix, maybe that would help.

Good luck!

ty! :)

It think is starting again my anxiety. I hope that is only an episodic thing but tonight I felt like I've never felt since 6 months, more or less, that is bad.

The last month also the Migraine has popped up again (and there was quite time till I had the last strong one), and I cought myself bruxing even in plain day even if not working or relaxing out...

Maybe just too pressure, maybe not.
I know that writing makes me feel better.

bye

Sorry to hear that Raghnar. Maybe it is just a passing thing. Hope so anyways.

I'm not sure, but I think I'm getting slapped around by the seasonal depression thing. Lately, it's been cold and rainy here, which I actually LOVE. And of course, it's getting dark early which I also love. But I've been told by docs you can't always control the head thing. It'll pass on it's own - I don't need any med adjustments or anything. But it's like I just feel worn out. Want to curl up under a blanket and sleep all the time, etc. And I can because I'm unemployed, which surely isn't helping things.

k, done :o

Where to begin
 

I may not have it as bad as most people, but I am incredibly shy for my age, have to force myself to talk with people. That causes anxiety, which leads to depression and it's a vicious cycle. It's gotten a little better as I've gotten older, but it's still there. Don't really take meds for it, though. Not ever clinically depressed, just comes & goes.

There is also a history (not w/me) in my family of sexual abuse and I think, for whatever reason, me being too sensitive for my own good, I picked up on it and has done some damage.

And there is history of depression and alcoholism in my family. I was an alcoholic and quit cold turkey about 1 1/2 yrs. ago, after I very much embarrassed myself in front of my ex-boyfriend's family. No AA, just did it on my own. And now, because of that, it inhibits my social life, I think you can all relate maybe a bit to that.

I take an interferon as treatment for my Multiple Sclerosis and one of the side effects is "depression," specifically suicidal thoughts. I have been through my fair share of terrible life events that would cause anyone to crawl into a dark hole and cry, but I would never say I was depressed. The interferon DEFINITELY caused some "mental" side effects. I was terribly bitchy ALL the time, which is far from my shining personality. I also had suicidal thoughts. My neurologist said I was probably depressed as depression manifests in all sorts of ways...even extreme bitchiness. (That was the medical term he used.) He wanted me to take something for it. I took the prescription, but never took it to the pharmacy.

I already take enough drugs as it is, I didn't want to add one more to the list. So I'm just dealing with it on my own. When I want to punch someone in the eye...or if I feel like I want to kill myself, i just tell myself it's the betaseron talking and I take a step back. The extreme bitchiness and suicidal thought have been very mild because of that approach.

I am manic-depressive. It went undiagnosed for a very long time. I finally got on meds back in 2000, thanks in a very large part to my wife. I currently take Zoloft. I'm up to 150 MG a day and it seems to be working well. I've had my dose upgraded twice, from 100 to 125 and then from 125 to 150. It works for me. Some other folks I've talked to swear it made them more depressed. You have to find a med that works for you. I was lucky, first med worked for me.

EDIT: Damn, I forgot to say that in addition to the meds, I have a blog that I use to get the shit out of my head. I talk about suicide and death, but as more of a release than as an option. I attempted suicide once but failed miserably and no one knew about it. I honestly believe I'm here now because I committed suicide in my previous life. The urge to to it was so strong at times, it just seemed like I'd been there before. Now, if I could just get back into exercising and working out. Oh, I do meditation as well. It helps.

I do believe it's a matter of training your brain, which is why I feel therapy is so important. Some can do it easier than others. I have overcome my mouth quite a bit. When I'm pissed off, I'm not quiet about it. If I feel you're a dumbass, I'm not quiet about it. I don't care who the fuck you are. This cost me jobs in my past unfortunately lol. But I've gotten a lot better over the past 7 years or so.
I just can't get into this whole blogging thing. It's like a diary that's public for all to read. If I have something to say, I'll post it on a forum or something. But I'm not going to make regular journal entries for folks to study me by. "Paranoia...the Destroyer..."

Meditation is a big part of my life. Only problem is making time for it and getting in the frame of mind for it on those days it doesn't seem doable.

Writing is very therapeutic. You can simply just write in a journal or you can set up a blog that is totally private.

I definitely won't argue with that. I have a journal collection of gorgeous books I've picked up in various bookstores and such. I always intend to start writing in this new one. No maybe that one. I love them and the idea behind them. But I just can't bring myself to write again. If I knew they'd definitely be private from anyone's eyes, then I'm sure it'd be easier for me. It's just the thought of doing it publicly that weirds me out.

Ok, then in the next days we'll se if I must worry again about my phsychiatric condition or not.
The crumbled me down my steps in just one day, let's see how it is in the next days. Now I feel very depressed, but this is kinda normal (I think), it won't be normal if it will last two years like the other time...

Bye.

I've been diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and major depression.

I'm a cutter and have dealt with doing drugs and sleeping with strangers as a 'way out'. But, nothing ever seemed to help me as much as cutting did.

I started cutting when I was 12/13 and my parents found out when I was 14 (my therapist blurted it out during a family session.. when she wasn't supposed to).

I have suffered from depersonalization, trances, panic attacks, and severe mood swings.

I have taken tons of different kinds of medicine (mostly because my psychiatrist didn't believe in psychic powers or ghosts and thought that my fidgeting on the couch was ADHD). There's too much to list.. some I don't even remember taking but I have bottles of. :P

BUT, let me tell you: NEVER...EVER...take Seroquel. I went from a slightly fluffy 140 lbs to a whopping 220 lbs in about a year and a half. My diet had not changed. Also, while taking Seroquel (and after I stopped taking it), I was unable to menstruate for 13 months (until I started taking BCP).

Ambien has put me into such deep trances that one time I performed a little surgery on myself. I opened myself up with a razor and sewed myself back up. It wasn't very large, but it was about two inches deep and when I awoke from the trance, I found bloodied towels and napkins and cotton balls everywhere. I have a very faint memory of the whole thing but I think I was trying to take out what I thought was a tumor. I still have the scar from it, too. >_< I've done crazy ass things while on Ambien. My sister caught me in the hallway a few times just sitting there staring into space for an hour or two. I dislike ambien.. BUT.. I have found that if I take 5 mg instead of 10 mg.. it puts me to sleep instead of a trance.

I took 225 mg of Effexor with a medley of other drugs for about 6 years until recently when I started taking Lexapro, but the side effects of Lexapro affected my heart real bad. So, now I'm taking Celexa and Abilify. Not too many problems with it so far.

I have been hospitalized after a suicide attempt 3 times. I was treated for my addictions this year, and it's actually really helped a lot. I still feel the urge to cut myself when I'm under lots of stress.. but I'm now able to allow myself to sit down and breathe. :D!

I went through a phase where I was bulimic. But, I was never treated for it.

I don't want to sound like my life is so woeful.. because it isn't. Some parts suck ass... but overall, I have a normal enough life. My depression can come out of nowhere. I can try to control it through different methods... but sometimes it'll pop up with a panic attack, a trance, or depersonalization. Depersonalization is the worst, imo.

I get so peeved when somebody doesn't understand what depression or mental illnesses are like.

To them... if the person is an addict "they need to quit cold turkey!" if the person is depressed "they need to get over themselves and realize other people have it worse" if the person hears voices "they need to be put into a mental institution"

They don't understand the concept of mental ILLNESS. They assume it's either something we're doing to ourselves ("for attention") or something we should be locked up for.

Also, having to receive psychiatric help is still considered taboo and "only for crazy people".

These misconceptions need to end and the truth needs to get out there.

That's true.
No-one that doesn't suffered or that isn't a physcotherapist EVER understand what a mental illness actually IS.
Even very acculturated people, Ph.Ds M.Sc things like that everytime I talk it with someone that haven't suffered always says this silly thing.

Usually my answer is "Have you ever considered what an ILLNESS is? Is not something you are responsible for if not for some contigent way" usually the answer is "So if you're mental ill then you should go to a mental hospital" then the final response "you ever go to the hospital when you got flu? usually you go to a normal doctor before..."

No-one really understands but usually agree shocked and realize to have said something stupid.

PS: My condition is pretty good. I've hold up for now! A little sad but nothing to worry about, IMHO..

I'd like to request that more people consider contributing to this thread lol. Feel free to use the anonymous option if you'd feel more comfortable.

Good for you... as an alcoholic with 27+ years of sobriety, I salute you. I did the same thing. It does get easier, but never easy. If you ever do need help, AA DOES work. I've been to 1 meeting in my life, and I KNOW from that one experience that if I needed support, I could find it there.

In the general vain of this thread I have a couple of thoughts. About some people's complaint of over-medicating mental illness... that's pretty much a $$$ issue. Drug companies make money from the sale of drugs, and if no one has the illness they've made the drug for, then they make no money.

The solution for the drug companies is to have more people diagnosed with the illness. Or a creative way of marketing the drug. A real example (not in mental illness, but still indicative) is for the artificial Human Growth Hormone, targeted at children with treatable forms of dwarfism or other genetic abnormalities that restricted their physical growth. It was directed towards the bottom 10% of children in terms of height. Neat, huh? No matter how tall the population gets, the market is still 10% of the population. By extension, target your mood enhancing drug to the unhappiest 10% of the population, and you can NEVER cure unhappiness.

Secondly, I'm not suggesting that there aren't legitimate needs for drugs... there definitely are. I have a wife who suffered from clinical depression and a friend who slowly sank into the miasma of his own schizoid mind. He is now essentially non-functional. There are people who need and prosper on drug therapy, and need the support of family & friends to understand the "invisible" nature of their problem.

We'd open the door for someone in a wheelchair. Why won't we spend 5-10 minutes to support a friend with a personality disorder?

I have a serious problem with painkillers.

:tips hat - runs off:

It's been getting progressively worse over the past 3 years. I've lost a couple friends over it. I'm starting to do some ridiculous, manipulative shit to get them in my hands.

Like I said, I have a problem. :-|

Thank you GreyWolf. It was and still is a challenge because everyone around me, especially my boyfriend likes to socially drink. And even though they respect me and encourage my quitting, I still get down about it because he goes out and drinks with his friends while I'm at home. And I had friends just because of drinking and so I've lost that social connection, even though they weren't maybe 'real friends', it was something to do on the weekend nights. And now, I feel a little left out and alone. I want to pick up a hobby to replace it, just don't know what yet. (Thought about swing dancing.)

Anyways, very appreciative of your acknowledgement.

It was about 10 years ago when I self-diagnosed myself with depression. I once had a physician agree with me, but it was at a walk-in clinic. I've had four or five sessions with a psychologist before my university health coverage ran out. It was there that I uncovered my issues of neglect in childhood, and a confirmation that I was a victim of a severely emotionally abusive relationship. My primary problem is guilt. I feel completely guilty whenever I do something for myself. Yet I only occaisionally think enough to do something out of the ordinary for others. One of the biggest problems with victims of emotional abuse, is that they come out of it with no sense of self. Maybe that's the problem.

I've done little to do anything about it. By now this state seems who I am. I've tried self-medicating with supplements to little effect. I'm still uncertain how severe this is. I don't have suicidal thoughts but I occasionally have obsessive fears of dying. Sometimes it's a fear of having cancer, sometimes is when I'm traveling.

I don't have much of a problem with anxiety. I do exercise so my stress is mostly under control. But I do get anxiety when it comes to any sort of change...good or bad. Even if any kind of change would help me, I still choose not to do it. My default choice is to do nothing. I have issues with my job and with my finances. My relationship is stable but not what it should be. I feel like I'm going nowhere and I have nothing to look forward to.

I read in a book about depression that my type of depression is "unfocused". I have trouble concentrating, getting motivated, and generally feel foggy. I have problems enjoying things that would normally interest me. I am reluctant to communicate with people and I feel apprehensive about social situations. I seldom feel good about myself, and when i do it's shortlived. I often feel completely incapable of offering anything of value to the world. I have trouble feeling happy about other people's successes even if I care about them. I'm too self-absorbed. It's as though I'm in a constant self-preservation mode.

There are days when I've barely been outside. I am impulsive and compulsive...wasting time on things that give me little satisfaction. I'm absentminded. I have mild OCD when it comes to such things as leaving the house and double or triple checking everything.

Again, this is all self-diagnosed,...so yeah.... I'm not sure if an antidepressant would even work. But that's fine, I'm afraid to take them.

Damn - I know I didn't write that, but appart from the stuff about insurance, that's me six years ago wrapped up in a box and tied up with a bow.

For me it took a monumental crisis (divorce) to precipitate action on my part, and really that was only after a week of staring at the wall. Long story short, I got help (medical and counseling) and learned to recognise triggers, learned to recognise my own mental state, and learned that I could be better by deciding to take the steps that let others help me be better.

As with all forms of self-change (giving up smoking, controlling my misuse of alcohol, and so on) the answer for me was to begin with an admission that the only person who could change me or be held accountable for me was me. I am the way I am because I am the way I am...

As the story goes, when the King asked the Philosopher for a spell that could bring him down to earth when he was self-important, and lift him up when he was depressed, the Philosopher gave the king a ring engraved "remember, this too will pass".

I would say up until five years or so back I would have bouts of depression where at least once a month I would sit in my room and cry. It would last hours and after it was done I would be okay. A few years into dating im2smrt4u I started getting violently angry with him accompanied by self hate and utter sadness. Why was I lashing out at the one I loved so much? That I can't really answer, but what I can tell you is the cause for it all.

I had never dealt with the fact that my brother (who is 5 years older) abused and molested me. He was/is (as far as I know) a horrible human being. He lied at every chance he could and he was a sneaky malicious person. He made me feel worthless and horrible about myself. I felt unworthy of love, which is most likely why I was pushing smrt away.

One night after an epic battle between the two of us and me thinking he was leaving for good (he had stormed out to his car), I promised to go get help if only he would stay. He later told me he wasn't leaving me just had to get away to stay calm at that moment.

I went and had some therapy and I started feeling better. I also told my parents and some time later the rest of my family. I admit I still can get sad if we fight and I have my rare moments where I regress and feel like shit about myself. I know that it is possible for the problems to come to surface again in the future and I will deal with that when I have to.

All in all though I am a very happy person. Most of my close friends who know my story (there is more to it) wonder how I can stay so positive. I figure no point living in the past and what has happened has made me who I am today and I like that person. I am stronger for what has happened.

Starkizzer, I feel for you as you've been through so much, but you made some excellent choices in your journey...asking for help and building a support system of friends and family. You can pat yourself on the back now for your positive growth. You are now stronger than ever and have the strength and knowledge to help others in similar situations. Onward and upward.

:rose: ...for you

I've just skimmed over the thread and thought I'd add a little something from an addictions counseling viewpoint.

Reading the OP it sounds like you had self medicated and I am very happy you have hopefully found a combination of prescribed drugs that help you. I'm a firm believer that prescriptions are a band aid and that open honest therapy is needed to help combat depression or any mental illness. I think our bodies adjust to meds and unless we deal with the issues that trigger us and finding better coping skills we will never get "better".

Just be careful that when you start feeling better you don't fall into the trap many do and believe you don't need the meds anymore and stop taking them without a dr's knowledge. Many people do this and it turns out bad for them.

I know some of the pills you listed do have a half life in the body and a detox illness would most likely occur.

Just be aware.

My mom suffers from severe depression and borderline personality. She's also an alcoholic who won't stop drinking so her liver is shot. Dhe's been on almost all the Benzos, Depakote, and so on. For her, they work awhile then stop and she has to find a new combination. Part of it I am sure is her drinking, part is bodies adjust to the meds and part is mental. She doesn't take care of the mental portion, thinking that pills, electroshock therapy, etc will do it all for her. Thus she doesn't get better in the long term. I think that is a severe problem not just for her but for the whole psychiatric field as a whole. Why flesh out pain and deal with issues that hurt when you can pop a pill and feel "better" for awhile?

It is probably in your best interest to either find an alternative to Benzos (Xanax, Restoril, Klonopin, Valium, Tranxene, Valium, Ativan and so on) or take them very very rarely. They are highly addictive and like any addictive drug you make think you are ok taking maybe 1 a week but then find you need 2,3,4 a week and then maybe 2 at a time and so on. Benzos are highly addictive and for otherwise healthy people the only drug other than alcohol you can die from if you stop cold turkey after even a short period of regular daily use.

Never be afraid to ask a doctor what the meds will do, how they interact with each other, what kind of withdrawal you will have and so on. It is your life and your body, you should know what is going in and what it is supposed to do.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents hope it helps.

*sigh* lol
Was going to pm you instead of post, but I'd be going against my grain if I did.

I thought I touched on this somewhere on the forum, but can't find where. Maybe I'm wrong.

Star - my brother, who's also 5 years older, molested / raped me several times around the age of 10. He was also physically abusive. I didn't come out about it until I was 28. No one believed me, as I was strung out on cocaine.

Growing up, my brother was my 3rd parent. My parents always went to him asking how they should handle me, as I was a rebellious shit. I hated him so much for what he did to me, and I sure as hell knew I couldn't tell my parents about what happened - they wouldn't believe me - he's the star kid of the family.

I haven't truly started working on this issue until a little over a year ago, when I started seeing my therapist. It's amazing how a lot of my behaviors or actions relate to the abuse.

I could go on and on, but I'm getting uncomfortable. Today, brother's been out of the family for about 2 years now. Parents finally believe me. And they hate him not only for what he did, but for his egotistical, selfish self. He really is such a fucking ass. A sick, drunk, fucking ass.

I don't know what more to say. I know where you're at, I guess.
I've done this many times lol. It's true - don't ever quit your meds thinking, 'oh, I'm fine now.' Completely new symptoms of depression, anxiety, etc. rear their heads and you're back to where you started, trying to find another cocktail that will work. It's miserable.

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mom. I know how hard it is to deal with myself, so it must be hell on those around me. My Mom's Mom was very sick from the time my Mom was a kid. She was diagnosed as schizo, then later bipolar - who knows. So many things have changed over the years. But Mom's been through hell. And now she's got a sick daughter to ice her cake. I can imagine what you've been through. I hope things get better, somehow.
I've been on the same dose for 4 years now. Never asked for an increase. I'm good. It's been hell trying to prove to several doctors that I'm not addicted. Once most doctors even hear the word 'xanax,' they equate it with 'oh, this person's addicted.' Some months, I'm out too early. Other months, I have 15 / 40 leftover. It just depends.

Just recently, due to an error the doctor's assistant wrote in my chart, they pulled my xanax because she thought I was addicted. I went ape shit. I am very dependent on xanax to get me through tension and especially anger. But I don't get high off of it. Too much and I'm asleep. Anyways, the assistant made it look like I was taking ativan and xanax at the same time. Dumbass. So I got the xanax back after about a week of arguing with the office.

Thanks for contributing and stuff. :)

Not much to say here except I support this campaign 110%.
And when the tshirts are done, I'm buying a few.



---------- Post added at 12:03 AM ---------- Previous post was Yesterday at 11:55 PM ----------

Bring Change 2 Mind

I've had pretty severe anxiety problems since my late teens. I've never been properly diagnosed with anything to be honest...the doctors always say its just general anxiety and throw medicine at the problem. None of it seems to make much of a difference though.

Although I try to lead as normal a life as possible sometimes just going to the store to pick up a pack of smokes or visiting friends can be a real chore. The worst part is not knowing when the attacks will hit or when they will subside, will it be when I'm driving? On stage for a show? Will it last 5 minutes or 4 hours? I've started hating doing the things I enjoy because of all of this...they simply aren't worth doing if I'm going to have experience a panic attack in the process (all I can really do is keep pushing forward and do them anyway...fuck the attacks right?). All of this can and does lead to feeling depressed about my life and I'm beginning to get concerned that I'm starting to develop agoraphobia because of it.

I don't know, I think I'm beginning to ramble. I just wanted to share I guess I don't get to talk with people about this very often.

I stayed locked up in my house for a period of time too, in order to 'protect myself' from the shitty feelings of anxiety and such. Not good. It just creates another hurdle for you. Kudos for forcing yourself to get out though. I could barely do that.

Not sure how many doctors you've seen, but maybe you can keep trying until you find one that works for you? Let them know you're tired of medicine supposedly being your cure. He / she will probably refer you to a therapist. Nothing wrong with that. Imo, medicine shouldn't be prescribed without therapy.

Good luck to you. :)

What's the best way to bring up depression with your doctor without sounding like a phony? Do you just make an appointment and ask to be screened for depression?

I think I'm moderately to severely depressed and I'm hiding it from everyone. I have fear and anxiety and it's crippling me. I want help but I don't know how to do it. It's so difficult to make a decision when doing nothing feels so much safer.

I know what I need to do but I won't do it until I get some support and advice.

Pretty much. Basically, all you need to say is "I'd like to talk to the doctor about depression." Then, tell the doctor the same things you said above. A good doctor wants you to be able to live your life.

Typically the doctor will ask you a few questions that amount to a preliminary screening for depression. The last time I went on meds I also had to fill out a screening form that used a scale. There are several online screening questionnaires that are similar, such as this one: Online Screening Program - Screening for Mental Health After screening, they will likely run down a list of options for you, such as therapy, medication, or referrals to other professionals.

Please, please, please make an appointment and talk to your doctor. It will get easier to talk to people about this, but I understand that it can be difficult at first. Your doctor wants to help you--let them help you.

I just spent most of the past hour flipflopping over making an appointment. I finally called and made one, but I think it nearly triggered a panic attack.

The appointment is in 12 days.

Thanks you snowy. :)

Thank you for taking the first step. It isn't easy to see it the rest of the way through, but I hope you do, and I'm cheering for you. If you need any more help, just let me know.

Good luck.

I'm actually pretty suprised I didn't see this earlier. I'm 19, well almost anyways. And I've been struggling with depression since.. well probably since day one but let's call it 11. That's when it started to get noticable. I had issues with my father growing up. He hated his job, took it out on the family. Never beat us or anything, except the one time he came home angry at nothing and gave my sister a spanking so hard she had welts, I guess you could count that, but we dont talk about it. When I was 12 I wrote a letter to my older friends counselor, whom she always raved about and loved, because I was having issues and she said, "Hey, maybe you should write to Jenn" So I did. Needless to say she contacted my school counselor, whi i wouldnt talk to. Then In highschool i talked to Jenn, and Toni, And eventally Nicole who they refered me to. Then I started cutting. Then I had to see Bev. I fucking hated Bev. So then I saw Joan, who refered my to Cheryl. They all concluded, Obviously you're depressed if you sit and stare at a wall all day, crying, spend your entire school day bouncing back and forth from counselors because you can't sit in class and concentrate without bawling your eyes out. AND you've started cutting.

I should say, I've been doing some self injury for as long as I can remember. I pick at the skin on my thumbs and fingers, mostly for habbit but it gets terribly bad when im upset. I've lost fingerprints before, which no, does not feel nice. It just escaladed to cutting.

So I was prescribed Effexor, which made me crazy. Then Celexa, which i cant remember much off cause i took myself off of it after 2 months, cold turkey, and moved out of town to go to university. I stayed off meds that year, quit cutting, then last summer I got onto citalopram, then switched to cipralex, then got onto cymbalta.

Now I'm off my meds. Which by the way, cymbalta withdrawls fuckign suck. It's been over a MONTH since I stopped taking them and I'm still getting the brain zaps, and headaches, and im exhausted, and naseaus, and.. ugh.. It's not cool. Anyways, in novemeber it'll be 2 years since I cut. Im trying VERY hard to live my life for me and just deal with things the day-by day approach, and try to live without all the pills. I still have counsellors of course, they're my hero's no doubt. But I'm trying to get away from the medical side of my depression.

So here's the short breakdown:

PILLS:
Effexor,
Celexa
Cipralex
Citalopram
Cymbalta

DIAGNOSIS:
Depression
General Anxiety Disorder
(Potnetial) Borderline Personality Disprder, (It was talked about, but it may have only been a side effect of the withdrawl from one of my meds that made me that numb and confused)

ADDICTIONS:
Counselling, If that's possible(longer story)
Cutting.

It's timely that I just came back to Tilted and found this thread.

I've been on Paxil for about 8 years now. I have a family history of depression and anxiety which manifested as panic attacks and feelings of complete and utter self-loathing. I felt like a failure at every aspect of my life (objectively untrue) and was starting to think vaguely suicidal thoughts. So I went to the doctor, got a prescription, and started seeing a cognitive behavior therapist.

I was just starting to get my feet under me and get some muscle around retraining my thinking (cognitive behavior therapy is probably one of the best things I've encountered - I found it very useful) when my brother was killed suddenly in 2003. It really threw me out of whack - brought up all kinds of stuff in addition to the grief, stuff about my identity, my place in the world, who I really am at my core. So it didn't really seem like a good time to quit taking the Paxil. I continued seeing a therapist and worked through a lot of stuff, including one really fundamental cognitive/emotional/spiritual "roadblock" that had been in my way for, well, basically all my life.

So, now I'm doing better. Grief is grief...it's just there, and most of the time you're fine and sometimes you're not. I haven't had a panic attack since just after Josh died. I have some anxiety over things like money, but nothing like before, and probably at healthy levels that keep me from doing stupid things.

So I decided a few months back to go off the Paxil. I'd tried before, mostly because I hated being on it, I hated what it represented about me (totally get you, LordEden, about feeling weak for needing it...) It never worked - maybe because I came off too fast and the side-effects were too severe, maybe because I was doing it for the wrong reasons. This time I'm going off just because I think I don't need it any more. I'm trying to not be attached to going off it...if I need it, I need it. We'll see! I'm doing it very slowly. I wasn't even on a "therapeutic" dose - only 10mg/day. (I think 15-25 is the usual starter dose?) They don't make smaller doses, so I've been stepping down the number of days per week I take it. For a while I didn't feel any ill effects so I kept going, but when I got down to 2 days/week I started to get the usual suspects - zaps, dizzies, moodiness, some perseverative thoughts, and extreme irritability.

I'm back up to 3 days/week to kind of stabilize, but it's given me pause. How will I know what's a result of going off the Paxil and what's just my personality, or my response to stressful situations? Maybe I'm just a bitch in real life and the Paxil blunted it :) We're around the time of year when Josh died, so how do I know what's just normal sadness and grief over that and what's depression creeping back? I feel a little bit like the frog in the pan of water...not sure I'll notice it's heated up until it's too late!

So...I'm struggling with whether I should stay the course at this dose, keep decreasing slowly and see what happens, or call it a failed experiment and go back on. I'm trying to strengthen other therapeutic behaviors that can pick up the slack - exercising frequently, getting outside and walking or digging in the dirt, deep breathing and relaxation exercises - but they're not always enough to keep me feeling like I'm on an even keel.

Not sure if I'm looking for advice, but I'd love to hear from others who have gone off their meds.

For me, the going-back-on-meds decision is one made not only by me. My SO has input as well. I can tell when the CBT stuff I do isn't working, and when it is out of my hands because I start feeling like a raw nerve--every little thing provokes me. Then, I ask my SO--"Hey, have you noticed that I've oversensitive lately?" And depending on his response, it may be time to talk to my doctor about going back on medication.

Your last paragraph really struck me, lurkette, because I think you're doing a healthy thing by keeping up with the CBT stuff, but yes, there is a point where CBT alone is not enough. It is a struggle to draw the line in the sand, so to speak, about meds, and I think the situation is so highly variable between people that it's hard to say one way or the other what's right, because we all have our different lines in the sand.

I would probably talk to some of the people you hold dear, because I know they're wonderful and supportive, and I have a feeling that with some input from them, and their observations, you may be able to better come to a decision for yourself about the next step.

Good luck, and may I say that I am DELIGHTED to see you around these parts again :)

Here's an update for anyone who is interested.

I went to the doctor today and discussed my situation in a nutshell. He acknowledged that I've likely had untreated depression for years. Only now it's worse.

One point he made that I didn't realize is that he suggested now isn't a good time for major life changes because of my mood. This is a big part of my problem. I need to make life changes. The depression has been keeping me down. I guess I need to focus on getting better instead.

He suggested it's something I should take medication for. So he prescribed Effexor (venlafaxine). I'm to take it on a low dose for two weeks before going in for another appointment. I've never taken an antidepressant before. I've been opposed to them in the past, but I don't see much else for options. I can't afford therapy and nothing else seems to work.

What's more is now I know I should tell my SO about all this. I'm wondering how they will take it given I've hidden much of this for years. I wonder how much they already know but didn't want to confront me about.

This is going to be very difficult. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I don't talk to anyone about anything usually. I'm usually left to my own devices. I don't talk about feelings. Most of the time I don't even know if I have any or what they are.

Wish me luck.

Thanks for the update, Anon. Your SO likely has an inkling, if they know anything about depression. Opening up to them is important; we all need support. I know some people like to be stoic about things like this, but trying to tough it out doesn't help. I tried that once and it failed miserably. Additionally, your SO can serve as an important barometer of your mood later on down the line. Good luck talking with them.

Look at your medication as a tool for helping you to get better. You wouldn't sniff at antibiotics if you had strep, would you? No. No one is saying you have to be on meds forever. I have successfully managed to be off of medication for years at a time; however, doing so takes a LOT of work, and when you're seriously depressed, that is not the time to try. Medication will help you get out of the hole that depression puts you in; it will help you claw your way out, and then once you're out, you can do all of the CBT things mentioned earlier in this thread that will help keep you out of the hole. CBT alone cannot get you out of the hole if it's deep enough.

I'm really glad that you followed through with this, and wish you the best in getting this dealt with.

Good for you for taking that big step!

What kind of life changes do you need to make? If it's something positive like moving to a better job, that might actually be a good idea. But generally big changes like getting married, having a kid, moving to a new town, etc., are going to make life even more stressful and are going to make dealing with depression even more challenging.

I think everyone here understands your opposition and has been there...it feels like a crutch or a bandaid, but remember what Snowy (I think) said - depression is a physiological disorder that happens to have some cognitive and emotional components. It's a chemical imbalance. You wouldn't think a diabetic was weak for taking insulin, right?

Remember, too, that many antidepressants take a while to build up in your system, so it may be as long as 4-6 weeks before you really feel the full effect.

If you can manage to pay for a cognitive behavior therapist, I would highly recommend it. CB therapy tends to be time-limited and goal-oriented. It's not just about keeping you talking till you find the root of your neuroses, it's about actively changing the negative thought patterns that are underneath the cognitive side of the depression.

If you can't get to a therapist, I highly recommend " ," which is sort of a do-it-yourself cognitive therapy manual. It points out the known "distortions" that underlie the thinking of many people with depression and anxiety. You have to be kind of disciplined, though...I found that when I was depressed, I was sometimes too depressed to even read the damn book. You also have to be willing to step outside the patterns of your usual thinking and admit that the things you think are true ("I suck, I'm a failure, this might work for some people but I'm REALLY broken") are just symptoms of the disease.

Absofuckinglutely. You need a support network, and if your SO loves you s/he is going to want to do everything they can to help.

I know at least from my experience, things always seem so much worse when I'm stuck in my own head, agreeing with all of my bullshit. Talking to someone else - even if all they do is nod and smile - really provides an alternate perspective. Sometimes just saying something aloud and hearing how it must sound to someone else makes me question it and think "how could I really think that is true?"

If you don't want to/can't talk to your SO, you might try joining a support group, either in real life or something online like Depression Tribe.

You know we're all pulling for you. It might feel overwhelming, but at least now you're doing something! I can't remember who said "action is the antidote to despair" but it's true, or at least better than the alternative of sitting around hoping you can think yourself out of it.

I realised today that I'm entering a low period and have been for a few weeks.

I don't want advice - I just needed to admit to myself that it's happening and feel safe admitting it here.

:icare:

I'm glad that you feel you can talk about it here.

I have trouble even admitting it to myself.

Hugs. And good for you for recognizing it.

I'm on 120 mg of Cymbalta for severe depression. It helps a lot. One time I stopped taking it for 3 or 4 days and I almost went batshit crazy. Then I took 120 mg the next day and puked my guts out. Don't ever go cold turkey on Cymbalta!!!!!!!!

I've yet to be diagnosed with any mental disorder, but a maladaptive behavior pattern is to isolate myself and avoid attention while in crowds, and if I become the focal point of interest, even briefly, I will attempt to minimize the amount of time that eyes and ears are trained on me, short of fleeing the scene. My cheeks will redden, speech quickens and becomes studded with stutters, every muscle in my body will rigidly tighten, and thoughts freeze up.

These effects significantly diminish if I am speaking to a small group or an individual stranger, and once familiarized with everyone involved, they disappear entirely.

I'm seriously considering going to the doctor this time. :(

I've got some behavioural things to try first - talking, working differently, NLP, CBT type things.

I'm back on my Paxil. I noticed I was weepy for no particular reason about 75% of the time and starting to obsess anxiously over things that were inconsequential. So...back to the meds!

A friend of mine on Paxil says it made her feel free from some very intense OCB activities, such as washing her hands all the time and needing to rearrange for desk every few hours...so I've seen that med help someone reclaim her life.

For me, going to a therapist literally saved my life some 25 years ago. I was feeling so paranoid & wanting to kill myself and my counselor, named Helen - was like a gift from Heaven. She & I met twice a week for (hourly chat ect.) 3 months and then once a month for the next 7 months. She and I got to the bottom of my intense fears and feelings of "no self worth" plus family dynamics. Huge issues. She taught me an NLP technique that still works today, though I seldom need it! Yeah! When she hyponotized me a few times we made intense progress and big breakthroughs I needed to see & remember.

I am a big believer that counseling is a very effective way to deal with getting mentally healthy, but I did have to meet 2 other therapists first, who I did not like and didn't continue with. I found Helen because a good friend who knew us both had recommended her for me. Best part of my life!

Now when I start to fall into a major depression, I revert to the stuff she taught me and start walking outdoors daily for excercise and fresh air.

Some folks do much better on meds when they also get counsel. Most therapists agree that the two together is the best way to treat depression and other issues.

Must Add:
*Dr. Helen used a sliding scale and made my fee very easy to pay. But also, I wanted to get better at any cost. Her fee was $25./hr. (that was 25 years ago.) Most insurances will cover counseling and most therapists can find the funds for folks in need.

Good luck and never give up. :thumbsup: