Part of the reason I've gone back on the Paxil is that this time the depression feels completely unfounded. Originally, I had a lot of self-loathing, and then my brother died. This is different. It's less intense, but less focused. I'm sad and weepy for no reason, tired, unmotivated, etc...there's no cognitive aspect of it that I can put my finger on. I did CBT therapy for about a year and continue to work with someone when I need it, and I have broken through a lot of stuff.

The anxiety is another story, and I am finding some success in the relaxation exercises my therapists taught me and just breathing and taking actions where I can and letting go what I can. Amen to getting outside and taking a walk!

But I don't want to take any chances, and I owe it to my loves and my colleagues to take care of myself.

I have spent most of my life depressed. I am having serious anger issues to the point my wife (the kids step-mom)has decided to leave and take my children with her. I think she's doing the right thing. I haven't become physically abusive...yet. I have said some some pretty mean things to my kids (14 and 16) when angry that are simply not ok.

Suicidal thoughts? Yeah in a big way. I'm sitting here with a loaded handgun. The only thing stopping me is that I know it means a life of total mental anguish for my kids. My wife begged me to go get help. I don't want to. I no longer want face the day to day struggles. I just want it all to be over. I left the house as she was calling the sheriffs office. They just called my cell and left a voice mail. I'm tired. I'm to scared to pull the trigger, but I really do believe that in the long run that's what's best for everybody. I don't think I have it in me to pull myself back up, and I can't think of any reason I would want to.

Hello! Talk to us please.

I'm here.

I don't want to live, I'm not sure I want to die. If I really wanted to die, I would be dead. I have the means to do it.

I'm tired, I can't shut off my brain. I've lost everything that really mattered. I don't what else to do...I just don't want to hurt anymore.

Yes, you want to live, but like you said,
you are in terrible pain, and very tired.

Please make a phone call.

It had a very difficult time dialing 911 when I was in trouble,
but I did it, and it wasn't scary,
I felt safe then.

Please call.
They will help you to shut off the brain for awhile.

It works, please give them your trust.

This is the number for the suicide prevention lifeline in the US 1-800-273-8255.

Put the gun down and call them now, you need to talk to someone because you obviously don't really want to do this. If you did, you would have done it instead of asking us for help. Whatever made you pause and think "I should tell TFP about this" instead of just doing it is what you need to focus on right now because it's what matters to you.

I'll bet it's your wife and kids. You care about them and you're angry at yourself for hurting them. I can tell you right now from losing a friend that even if it's the easy way out for you or you think it's the only way out, suicide is the easiest way to hurt those who care about you to the greatest degree possible. If you've been here for any amount of time (and I'd imagine you have been since you're coming to us for help) you know that I'm a loud, obnoxious, sarcastic tough guy, but right now, ten years after losing my friend Adam, I can't hold back the tears thinking about it. If that's how I'm reacting a decade later, imagine what his family goes through.

You're at this low point in your life because you're so upset that you hurt people you love to the point that they left. If you can't put the gun down and ask for help for your own sake, do so because you can't bear to hurt the people you love, and who love you, any more.

The gun is down, suicide is off the table....for now. I still don't really want to live, but I don't believe that death is the best option for everyone concerned.

This is a really shitty place to be...

I've been around TFP for a number of years. This is the safest place I could turn. Thank you guys....seriously, thank you.

Beat me to it be a few seconds. That's a relief. I'm glad we were able to be here for you.

I don't like that "for now" part, though. If you start thinking about it again and we're not here to help talk you out of it, think about these two less=than-pleasant things: first, among people who have survived suicide attempts by jumping, almost all of them had a moment of clarity while falling and regretted jumping; second, only half of people who try to kill themselves with a gun succeed. The rest wake up in a hospital in disbelief that they ended up worse off than they were before pulling the trigger. I'm no statistician, but trying to fix things the hard way sounds a lot more appealing than either of those options.

I'm very relieved to know the gun is down.

Are you still online?

If you want to talk a bit, I & others are here to listen.

You obviously need an outlet and need to let someone know. Thank you for putting that trust in TFP.

But as much as we can help, your call for help would be better handled if you would talk to a proffessional who would be able to give you the support that you need.

as concerned members of TFP, we do hope that you can work through this.

I am still here. I am as ok I'm going to be. I have spent a long time (30+ years) dealing with depression mostly on my own. I did spend over a year in an inpatient drug rehab that involved 12-14 hours of therapy/day. I haven't used in a very long time 10+ years), and I don't really drink, so substance abuse is not an issue. I am just ready to explode.

I am out of control. I don't want to go get help. I don't see a way out of the cycle I'm in.

let me be clear...

I appreciate you guys, more than I could possibly express. I mean that.

I loath therapy. I want nothing to do with counseling. I've had more counseling than any 3 people should have to endure.

I'm not trying to be difficult, I'm not trying to push you guys away.

I don't know what I want. I can't live the way I am, I can't leave my kids the issues that come with their Dad killing himself. Their mother abandoned them when they were very young. I can't leave the world by my own hands, they deserve better than I can give them, but that doesn't make it ok for me to hurt them like that.

I know somebody who survived putting a .38 to the roof of his mouth and shooting himself. Thank you for the reminder. I can't let that be me.

That's a rough place to be in.
You don't have to figure everything out tonight.

I too, have mixed feelings about therapy, but,

I remember how much the counselors cared, and all the good tools they gave me
to help deal with stress & anguish.

Please at least call one hot-line person tonight, okay?

What a conundrum. Can't live and can't die. I remember being in that spot and from time to time it returns. I just have to remember that this too shall pass.

When I'm feeling it return, I remember these words:
Good luck. I hope it helps.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I won't promise that I'll the call hotline tonight. Mainly because I probably won't do it. I will promise this:
At least for tonight, if I, once again, find myself seriously considering suicide, I will do one of two things. I will either call the hotline, or I will go to the hospital and tell them what I am thinking.

I'm currently in my office at work. I need to go home and go to bed. I have a long day at work ahead of me tomorrow. I have a cold, and seriously need some rest. I doubt I'll sleep tonight.


I'm leaving for home now. I will post at some point later, if only to say I'm ok. I'm pretty sure my wife will still be at the house, so I'm sure we'll have a lengthy discussion.

Yes, good. Please stay in touch, and rest well.

I'm home. Wife and kids are not. I saw my wife getting gas as I passed a gas station on my home. I know she saw me as well. I'd be surprised if a couple of deputy's from the Sheriff's Office don't show up at the door soon. I should probably return the deputy's call, at least to let them know I'm ok and going to bed, so I don't get annoyed by them showing up here.

Again, I am deeply grateful that I had somewhere to turn, and you guys were there. I don't know where life is going to take me, and I'm not positive I'll go along willingly, but at least for tonight, I'll go along.

Please seek some help...you can't pull yourself out of this pit alone. I know you said you loathe therapists, but they are there to help you.

Remember, right now in the story of your life you are an UNRELIABLE NARRATOR. Depression distorts your perception of reality, as you well know. You cannot right now trust your feelings. The fact that you can still think of your kids and your wife and your job is hopeful. So grab that piece of hope and listen to us: pick up the damn phone and let someone else help you. There's something on the other side of this, and you just can't see it. Trust us that it's there.

OK...enough hiding behind some mask...

I spoke with both my immediate supervisor (who I'm fortunate enough to call a friend) and my wife last night. I made a commitment to go to the hospital today. I still want to die, I just can't do that to the kids. Having some form of a moral compass is both a blessing and a curse.

I'm afraid for my children, I'm afraid for my wife. I'm scared that I am so close to the edge that the next time I explode I won't be able to stop myself. The last few days have scared the shit out me. I'm losing my mind, I'm rapidly losing what little control I have over myself. My wife and children are terrified to be in the same building as me, and I think they should be afraid.

I don't see anything on the other side. I know there must be, because I know that not everyone feels this way.

I'm glad that you're going to seek some help from people who are trained in dealing with this.

I'm also glad that you've come forward as an individual. Two big steps you've taken, removing the anonymity and going to seek help.

cj, I'm glad to hear you're going to seek help. Please follow through with this. I know it's hard. Some of us who are here have been where you are. Like lurkette said--right now, your perceptions are distorted. The best thing you can do is put the care of yourself into the hands of a professional. It's the hardest step to take, but it is necessary.

We're always here to talk if you need to. Please keep us updated, and know that I'm thinking of you.

Next winter I plan to get "light treatmeent" for SAD, because I get the winter blues so badly that I can hardly get out of bed!

Apparently B-12 injections can help many SAD sufferers feel better during the long dark months also. Often times a daily vitamin of B-12 & C is helpful along with St. John's Wort.

However people are not supposed to use St. Johns Wort with meds that are prescribed. Not sure of the details but I have read that info. someplace recently.

Please Always: Talk to your pharmacist or chemist, whenever you try natural cures.

Hello, cj. This is positive news:
Your commitment to seek help.
Talking with your friends and family.

All good.

So, here's to sticking with that plan, yes?

As snowy said, we are here to talk if you need to, please keep us updated
and know that I'm thinking about you.

I have a gun safe at my in-laws house. I have asked my wife to lock my guns up there. There is no logical reason for me to have access to them at this point in my life.

I am on my way to get food, though I'm really not hungry (I just realized I have not eaten anything in 24 hours now), and then to the hospital. I still don't want to go, but I've told too many people I am going, so I really must.

Again....thank you guys. It's extremely comforting knowing that people understand wtf is going on in my head, because I sure as hell don't understand it.

Hey, when I was in a similar situation, I didn't either.
The understanding will come in time.

Kudos on locking the guns safely away.

I know about being stubborn. It has its good qualities too.

Stubbornly refuse to let those dark thoughts prevail.

Peace be with you.

good luck my friend, looking forward to your return.

I'm at the hospital posting from my phone. they've done a ct scan, and blood work. the ct scan because i almost always have a headache, combinesd w/ everything else it' worth a look. They've placed me on a 7 day mental health hold. I'm actually relieved by this. My boss told me job is safe...one less stressor.

Thanks for the update. Hang in there! You will get through this.

:icare:

Thanks for the update.

Yes, that relief feeling is comforting. You are in a safe place now.

I hope your cold gets better. Try to rest & sleep if you can.

they're probably going to take my phone...if so i'll be offline for a week. Accck no internet for an entire week?

good luck CJ.

i dont know whats harder... being in a hospital for a week or no internet access.

In hospital with no internet is pretty awful, but it's a necessary step on the path to better health.

Sometimes I also forget this, although (as far as I know) I have no mental health issues.

Good luck to you sir, we're all hoping for the best here. Take care of yourself, and the rest will fall in line on it's own.

Hi CJ. When I first had a depressive spell, I was asked "do you want to kill yourself" and explained to the therapist that i didn't want to kill myself as an act, but if I'd had access to "unbeing" I would have taken it.

I think many people hold back from the edge due to the fears of other people having to clear up and live with the death. I certainly did.

I'm glad you're getting help. Be well. :)

Good news about your job, and about getting the headache looked at. Thanks for keeping us posted. We'll be pulling for you and looking forward to your next update.

---------- Post added at 08:32 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:28 AM ----------

I likened it to just wanting a reset button. It wasn't that I wanted to die, exactly, I just wanted to stop being me, or go back and start over and do everything "right" this time. The lyric in Wilco's "Ashes of American Flags" summed it up perfectly for me: "I know I would die if I could come back new"

I've never felt I wanted to be dead. I've felt that I wanted my life to not have happened. All the troubles I've felt responsible for, all the people looking to me for answers, all my responsibilities and cares not left unresolved (as they would be by death) but never having happened.

Not an ending, but an un-happening.

I decided I might throw in my own story of recent months.

A couple of months ago I started to really slide into a dark place (I've battled with depression on and off for years). A combination of sleeping problems, being absolutely miserable at work, and identifying that I had serious problem with opening myself up or allowing myself to get romantically involved with people started to really take it's toll on my mental health and my physical health was really starting to suffer. I quickly realised that all this was starting to feedback on itself and I'd slipped into a shade of black I hadn't known before.

After a particularly bad day at work I decided to up and leave work without another job to go to. I had a lot of money saved up and the job market for my field was pretty good. When I tried to leave work, they bastards pulled me up on a clause in my contract that said if I left before my contract was up I had to forfiet two weeks pay unless I was leaving for certain reasons. So I had to spill the beans about why I was leaving to my doctor so that I cold get a doctors certificate just so I could get paid for the work I was doing. My doctor, however, said that I had to see a psychologist. Luckily though, in Australia we have a universal mental health plan where the government will heavily subsidise the coast of counseling if your GP identifies you as being at risk.

So after I left work and was looking for a new job my mood and health improved greatly, and I started seeing a psychologist. I realised for the first time that I could no longer ignore my mental health issues, that they were a lot worse than I was letting on to even myself, but the most positive thing is I finally felt like I could actually get better. I'll admit, my first session with the psych I was terrorfied.

After a month of being unemployed and getting quite a few knock backs from employers I was starting to get a little worried. But, last week I landed a job, an awesome job with a really cool company. It was exactly the kind of job and employer I was looking for.

Two months ago I was in a dark place and felt my life had nothing going. Now I feel like I've managed to take a step back, work out what I think is wrong with it, and have managed to take control of it again. Dealing with my mental issues will take time, getting my career on track and where I want to be will take time, learning to be happy with myself and opening myself up to the women who take and interest and the women I take an interest in will take time. As my existence approaches its 27th revolution around our very own low mass star, I finally feel like I'm starting to take charge of my life, I finally feel like soon I'll get out of the old habit of self loathing and start learning to accept and love myself.

Any how, that's just a little from me, you've all opened up so much about something I always struggled with.

And we're glad you did!

It's always heartening to hear about someone confronting the issue head-on and having things take a turn for the better! Kudos to you for doing what you needed to do to take care of yourself. Up and quitting your job took courage and I'm glad it paid off.

Thank you guys, seriously, I cannot even begin to express how much of a help this thread has been.

I got home from the hospital today. I am now living alone. I don't maintain much hope that my marriage will survive, but we haven't closed the door on it either. I still love her, I still want to be married to her, but I don't know that we can put it back together.

I will be following up w/ an MD, a counselor, and some anger management classes. I must get myself healthy. For the time being the doc at the hospital has put me on a mood stabilizer, but I'm really on a rollercoaster. Coming home today, knowing I was going to truly be alone was completely overwhelming. It's gonna be an interesting ride.

Glad to hear from you, CJ. Sounds like you are getting some good help. It may take some time for your new medications to fully take effect--don't lose hope and don't stop taking them unless instructed to do so by your doctor.

What are you doing to take care of your physical health? Do you exercise at all? I ask because one of the things I've noticed is that when I'm feeling down at all, just getting out for a walk can make a difference in my mood and my stress levels. It gives my mind a break to just put my body through the paces, and looking at things outdoors often helps too. You might find some comfort in doing the same as you go through this tough spot, as it certainly sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

I really hope you continue to keep us posted, and please don't forget how many of us here are willing to listen when you need to talk.

glad that you're safe and sound.

be patient it takes time.

I have done nothing much to take care of myself for a very long time, physically, or mentally. I am fortunate to have some short hiking trails right around the corner, so I'm sure as the weather improves I'll be taking advantage of that. I also spend a fair amount of time in an inflatable kayak on the Rogue River, again as the weather improves.

I'm glad to still be around, part of me is dreading the work that I have in front of me, part of me is excited...

Glad to see you back, cj! Keep us posted, and Snowy's advice is spot-on: even if it's just a walk around the block, do some physical activity every day. Exercise has been clinically proven to improve depressive symptoms.

Keep us posted!

So it's been a couple of weeks, meds are working, and counseling is extremely helpful. I miss wife and kids terribly.

I'm still searching for an anger management group, if I can't find a sutable one, I may end up forming one.

I'm still pretty up and down, but not like I was.

So good to hear your making progress.

Today, I'm taking Snowy & Lurkette's advice.

I'm going for a walk. It can be the most difficult thing for me to get out
of my chair sometimes. Breaking the inertia of being stuck in my thoughts is so important.

I always feel better emotionally & physically after some exercise.

Yes. Get outside today. Yesterday I spent the day running the rapids in my inflatable kayak. It was great for my head. Today I'll be mowing (not nearly as fun, but I'll be doing something.

Depression sucks, I have to get through this.

i'm bouyed by the fact that you're here and discussing these things with us.

..what id do to ride the rapids again...good for you cj!

If ya ever get out to southern Oregon during late spring (now) through early fall (end of Septemberish), we'll go float. The section of River I run is pretty fun, not too technical (class 2 and 3 rapids), but still big enough to be a blast!

Ah, so good to hear from cj and ring...glad you are both doing well!

I've also discovered a creek hidden in an empty grass lot down the hill from our house...good to just wade out and let the water carry my stress out through my feet!

CJ, good luck on finding the anger management support group. Have you tried online? As in online groups, not groups that meet IRL?

I had not even thought of an online group. That may be something i check out if I can't find something locally.

I do some online groups and online studies. They are not necessarily a replacement for IRL meetings but they do get me by when I cannot make such a thing.

Interesting thread.

I've been struggling with drug abuse and addiction (opiates, amphetamines, and benzodiazepines), depression, Asperger syndrome (although that is disputed, more about that soon), and other psychological problems.
About 6 monts ago, I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, but my psychiatrist and my psychologist think that diagnosis may be wrong. The issue is that I don't experience empathy. I have never felt empathy for anyone or anything, ever. I rarely feel anything, which has led my doctors to think it might be a neurological issue. This friday, I'm scheduled for a brain scan, during which they will see if my emotional center in my brain is active, by asking me emotional questions (and letting me answer) to see how me and my brain react, and they have mentioned psychopathy as a possible cause.

I just wanted to get this off my chest.

mqa,

Getting it off your chest is one of the most positive things you can do. I used to hide and withdraw a lot, to deny to myself and those around me just how bad my mental health was.

You're doing the right thing man, you're dealing with it, you're seeking help, you're trying to change. You'll get there, one step at a time, you'll get there.

Best of luck with it man and thanks for sharing, just remember, even the tallest mountains are conquered with the smallest of steps.

Thanks.

The thing is, though.. I don't really feel anything because of all this either, I'm just curious about how it's going to turn out. And I don't know if I want to change how I am. I don't really love myself, but I wouldn't want to be different, or be someone else, either.

Anyway, thanks for your support (:

It really wasn't all that long ago that I thought all that different from you.

I let my view of myself and my attitude towards myself gradually fester and compound until it was just a bad old habit, and old habits die hard. I didn't know anything else, I didn't know any other way to see myself. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind it wasn't healthy, but I was too used to, and comfortable with the status quo. I couldn't be bothered with change.

It was just fortunate that a number of things happened in the last 6 months that really opened my eyes to just how bad things had gotten without me really realising it.

I'm still battling with a few demons, and that will take some time. But for the most part at the moment I feel like a new person, a better person. I'm left wondering why the fuck it took me so long to deal with all this in the first place. But everything happens in its own time and space I guess, for better or worse.

Even tho this tread was made by the head troll herself, I'm really glad to see it helping people on this site. That's the purest form of awesomesauce out there. Makes me happy to see people getting help.

I wish woods well, with her head issues. Her road has been rough.
She left behind a thread that's become,
as Eden says: "That's the purest form of awesomesauce"

I spent an hour of moderate steady swimming in the pool today.
& then floated on my back for twenty minutes, gazing at the vaulted wood ceiling,

Buoyant & Buoyant.

1585 days

• 136,944,000 seconds
• 2,282,400 minutes
• 38,040 hours

or quite simply...

4 years, 4 months, 4 days

thank you all for making me think of it today.

it is awesomesauce.

Yay you!

Congrats Cyn. I needed a bit of good news today!

You must be proud of yourself! Well done, sir! I was wondering about this the other day. Thanks for the update.

Wow its everywhere, I will be back to comment more...
Working 12hr days right now, but I have some things to say.

Talked w/ my wife tuesday, she does not want to attempt to make the marriage work. I'm not surprised, looking back, the biggest problem in our marriage has been a lack of real commitment to the relationship. Rather than talk when she's upset, she'd do things to get back at me, and I'd not even know wtf she was doing or why until months later.

Unfortunately, I have placed myself in such a financial position that I can't afford to live on what I make alone. I have looked at my options, and all but decided to move in w/ parents. Yeah....41 years old and I'm going to be living in Mom's house again. Talk about a series of blows to the ego. Honestly, part of the reason I'm thinking I should move in w/ my parents is that they could use some financial help. They are barely making ends meet, and I can see the results of the stress they're under. I can't afford to rent a place, and this move benefits not only me, but them. I could sell my truck, and buy a beater car and be able to rent a a place, but ya know what? I really like my truck, and this situation will allow me me to breathe a little easier. Frankly, I also don't think living alone is a good idea for me, at least not right now.

I miss my wife, badly. I don't know why I miss her, when I look back on our marriage, it sucked. Why would I miss that?

I am already looking to start dating, I know I shouldn't, but ya know, I haven't had sex in almost 2 years, I'm fuckin horny. Wasn't it US Two that used to say the best way to get over a woman is new pussy?

My anniversary is July 4th. I've made plans to go up to Vancouver, Wa for the weekend to party w/ a very good old friend. I intend on spending the weekend in a fog. It's gonna take me a week to recover, but I think it'll be very good for me....If I manage to come back w/ all 9-1/2 fingers and no criminal record...lol. Jeff and I usually get into trouble when we party together. His wife is gonna hate me after this weekend...then again, if she's married to Jeff, she'll be prepared!

Sounds like you're cleaning house and getting things in order, cj. Just don't get dehydrated over your holiday weekend :)

Keep your side of the street clean.

Jumping into this thread. My wife and I are also having some problems, thats a whole other story.

I went to see a therapist to talk about my lack of emotional connect with her, or anyone for that matter and how I get so worked up with thoughts crashing in my head that I think my head will explode.

After talking to her for an hour I floored at her diagnosis. Adult ADD!?!?

For some reason that response was underwelming. She recommended I read driven to distraction. The library was out of it, so I looked up online and it had segments available. I read the preface from the author and was floored. In one paragraph he described everything that was happening in my head.

My oldest son has ADHD and I struggled with his mother to find an alternative to medication. I've seen what that shit does and I do not like it. When asked if I was open to medication I just stared at her.

Waiting for the book and looking for answers.

I guess everyone goes through changes in life, sometime or another.

I was in the dark for 25yrs. Only saw gray, until some life changing things took place. These changes were not good either. But for some reason this allowed a little color to creep in to my sight. I didn't know what was happening to me. Every part of my body was on fire, to touch, to voices and to life. In the end it opened up my world to color. I learned that when your down in the hole, you need to learn to climb out. There isn't always a hand to pull you out. It wasn't an easy climb either, actually still climbing.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, there is hope for everyone that is willing to step out of the shit and try to reach the garden. (/|\)

Woah, here I am 4 months later.

I want to say thank you, you guys gave me a glimmer of hope. Something I could hold on to, when I felt everything was gone.

When I wanted to die, you asked me not to. You asked me to trust in what you saw, because my vision was distorted. Most importantly you genuinely cared.

I am seeing a therapist, an LPN, and a psychiatrist. While I am not "healed", I am doing extremely well. I am beginning to see the benefits of the work I've been doing, and it feels good. There is hope, that is a huge deal, because a few months ago, I had none.

awesome. sometimes it takes one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time... soon it piles up into a lot of time.

Wow, something positive actually came out of one of wooDs' threads. I never would have thought it, but here we are with a big ole positive.

Glad to hear it, CJ. Keep doing the right things.

Yeahy CJ! Good news progress.



---------- Post added at 05:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:20 PM ----------

This isn't something that gets fixed overnight. It takes some hard work and self-evaluation, and it isn't easy when your mind is racing with anxiety and random negative thoughts.

Yay, CJ! Definitely glad we could help--I feel like I've made a good friend in you, so know I'll always be here to help when you need it.

Thank you snowy, I too feel I've found a good friend in you.

I'll go ahead and jump in.

I have winter depression and obsessive thoughts. The extent of the depression isn't life threatening, so I'm not quite as concerned about that. However, it's the obsessive thoughts that have me wondering.
These thoughts have me second-guessing myself on tests over things I knew perfectly beforehand. A good example would be a math test I took in which I got a question wrong because I was second-guessing myself over the answer to 3 times 6. Sometimes I have extremely violent thoughts about killing someone. It's usually someone I mildly dislike. However, I would never, EVER think to carry out an action that would intentionally hurt someone else the way that these thoughts do, so I don't know where these thoughts are coming from.

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh.

I was having a lovely day, and then my mother goes and says something that should have been innocuous, but has created huge upset in my house.

Sorry for being oblique, but it's getting me down.

Not a good day.

Here's a hug for you, Daniel: :icare:

Hope it all blows over soon, and that you cheer up :)

Ya know, I have been off the mood stabilizer, and the anti-depressant for over a month now, and I'm ok. I lost my insurance when I was laid off 2 months ago and those 2 meds were more than I could afford. I go back to work tomorrow, my insurance should resume in 90 days, and I will decide then whether or not to go back on them. For now, I am working hard to be the man I know I can be.

Having a strong support system is helpful, I have found that in a number of people here and in my local friends. Today is a great day :)

Excellent. It's always good when we can manage these things on our own. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't accept help when needed or available, but it is an achievement if you can do it yourself.

Sigh, today is a bad day. I need to find something to distract me.

I just woke up like this.

Some days are better than others. I am visiting friends and my "house" is parked near where we used to live before my wife died. I expected a flood of memories and it came, but thankfully the memories were of the good times. My doctor tells me that I am overdue for a serious episode of depression (the diagnosis was bipolar2), but so far I've been lucky.

Friends are important. I am lucky to have friends who happen to be Sufis. If I am nearby, I can make a phone call and a group of people wearing "interesting" costumes are available to dance and sing and celebrate life. It is very difficult to feel down in their midst.

Some researchers are exploring the kinetic link to depression a little further. We know that when in the pit of depression we don't want to move and that movement can even be painful. Some think that the link is bi-directional. They have been doing experiments where they take depression patients to an all day gospel festival, for example. Jumping around, clapping, and otherwise getting into the flow of the music seems to have a positive impact. I can think of a few rock concerts they might want to try too.

I'm a little strange, so I like my walks in the woods or by the ocean to bring me back to the present and away from the edge of the abyss. I have come close to the edge, a few times recently, but have been able to fight back. I don't want meds that will make me feel blah and have resisted taking them. Life is just so damned fascinating to dull the experience with drugs.

Although my doctor once told me that she could refer me to a doctor who would write me a prescription for medical marijuana to fight depression.....

So I tried killing myself last night...and I don't know what to make of it.

I took an entire bottle of ambien, an entire bottle of muscle relaxants, and a 1/3rd of a bottle of whiskey before I passed out.

I woke up feeling fine. WTF? I didn't even sleep in. I swear there's a small part of me that believes I can't die now.

Anyone have any explanation for why I didn't die? I didn't even get a hangover for christ's sake.

Please, please, please, go to the hospital. I was where you are a year ago (go back a few pages, the whole thing unfolded in this thread). You don't have to live w/ the darkness. I know you don't see it now, but please trust me, there is hope.

I'd just like to know why I survived/it had no effect on me.

They always warn you about mixing other muscle relaxants and alcohol with sleep agents. Yet, I did as much as I could and passed out. How do I not at least have a hangover? I woke up 6 hours later feeling completely normal. Its crazy compared to everything I heard. They were full dosages too. Not half or anything. And all of it was taken within 20 minutes.

Thanks for your concern, but I'll either die or not.

I'm certainly not the most religious guy in the world, so I'm not gonna get all preachy on ya. Having said that, I have had a few things happen to me that I never should have lived through, however I did. I believe that I simply wasn't supposed to die.

For a minute lets run with that part of you that believes that you can't die . That doesn't mean that you have to live with the bullshit your head is feeding you. I only sought help because a few people asked me to. I didn't want to live, I seriously was done. I didn't want to live and I couldn't die. I hated the idea of all the bs I was gonna have to go through, but I certainly wasn't gonna live with the way I was feeling, so I had to do something to change that.

Though you may feel that no one cares if you live or die, I do...

Thank you very much for your words. The thing is though, I'm already seeking help. I see a psychiatrist regularly. Meds don't help. Counselors haven't helped. Its getting very tiring.

The meds helped me through the crisis, the counseling gave me somebody safe to talk to about the bullshit in my head. Neither of those will solve the entire problem.

The biggest thing I had to change was my perspective. I found that a large part of what was happening w/ me, I was doing to myself. It wasn't what was happening around me, but what I told myself about what was happening and what I was focused on. Sure the meds and counseling helped a bit, but it was about letting others help, and helping myself. I leaned pretty hard on a few people here, that helped.

In the meantime, please go to the hospital, you're not supposed to die, and it's not too late to stop or undo some of the physical damage that those pills, combined w/ the alcohol, may have done.

Been to the hospital. Hate it.

I'm disabled. I'm not just doing it to myself. There is no escaping my disability.

This isn't a "temporarily sad for a few months cause my girlfriend dumped me" kind of depression. I've been struggling with it for a decade and it just gets worse and worse.

I totally get it. The hospital sucks, but i'm talking about going for physical reasons, not mental. That kind of medication has gotta be doing some damage, and could make life a whole lot more miserable.

I have suffered w/ depression for as long as I can remember. I'd love to tell you that one can completely overcome it, but I dunno that it's possible. I do know that there is relief though. I still struggle from time to time, some days are worse than others, some days are horrible, some days are pretty freakin good, but most days are just...ok. It takes constant work on my part to maintain that, but I am willing to do it, because I never want to feel "that way" again.

Getting a proper diagnosis of things like bi-polar disorder is rare it seems.
I have been put on many pharmesutical drugs - last being metrazapine - that made my head go a bit muggy, and every day the cloud in my head got thicker - untill it was as thick and heavy as one of those grounded clouds - a sheep. Tried them for the two weeks.
Was on hypericum - but that doesnt go with blood pressure meds - you get this tight metal band around your chest - . I asked my doctor if it would be good to increase my seratonin levels - of course it would. I take borage aka starflower - romans called it 'the herb that cheers'. I take Zopiclone as I cant sleep. One of the worst bits - no the worst bit - because of the constant anxiety and depression, it affects my blood pressure, and meds were unable to control it - and I had a brain aneurysm. After surgery I was told how important it is to get it down and keep it down (impossibleish). I usualy have a bit og green to take the edge off - sometimes, like many, to avoid reality. My son has a 'personality disorder' - his symptoms look like bi-polar. We have both tried alone to kill ourselves - quite awfull, on day he said he wished he was dead, and I so wanted to say, come on then, lets go together, end the pain. Mums shouldnt say things like that or even think them should they. We plod or stumble on, just the two of us in our family - my birth family - lots of maternal abuse to two of the children - I used to beat myself up all the time, and one day I was out with Mr Ben - he was a schnauzer x jrt, and had been kicked with doc martin boots by a chap with black trousers, and he had been tortured. He would freak at black trousers and shoes - tried to nip a police womans trousers because she was at his door and, to his mind, coming for him to give him the expected kicking - he never got over it, and one day walking him I thought, its not his fault he is this way, its what has been done to him. Then I thought, why can I be so much kinder to the dog than I am to my self, who I beat up about everything. Working with abused and head shot animals - the shadows are always there, hidden away in the back of their minds maybe, but always there. I accept they are products of what has happened to them.

I can't work up the courage to take the coward's way out. I'm unhappily addicted to tomorrow. I don't think there's a refined chemical solution, so I applaud your experimenting with botanicals, chinese crested. It's not any fault of ours we are.

does st john wort really work?

On St Johns Wort - do not take it if you are on blood pressure meds. The two do not go together. Borage is very good at increasing the 'happiness chemical' in the brain. The romans called it 'the herb that cheers'.
I found prozac to be evil, and seroxat too. Was also put on metrazapine - which just put a fluffy cloud thick as a sheep in my head.
Its very easy to feel like a victim, as has been said - but if a person has survived tragedy abuse or whatever, they are a survivor - and as such should hold their heads up. I know its only a very thin line twixt one and t'other. Having said that, I just spent yesterday in bed having had a run in with a very rude and rather vile elderly man that upset me greatly on saturday. Of course I should have let it slide like water off a ducks back - but I dont work that way. Doubtless the old git went to church yesterday like the good christian he is every sunday morning for two hours.

So I finally picked up this book. I read the first two chapters and completed the test. I guess I'm around 50 out of 100 on the scale, which is on the borderline for severe depression. I started with a score of 53 but thought maybe I was exaggerating my symptoms (they've been around for a long time). I managed to down rank to 48 or so. It doesn't really matter because I'm a far cry from "mildly depressed". The book's author suggests that we can expect to drop below 10 (which is not depressed but not happy) and to spend much of life "happy" at below 5. I don't remember if maybe I ever ranked below 10 let alone 5. Maybe childhood. Maybe never.

To me I can't imagine even cutting my score in half to 25, which is still in the upper end of mildly depressed. Do most people really live most of their lives at scores as low as 5 or 10? I can't imagine it. All this tells me is that I don't think I know what it feels like to be happy, even in a clinical sense. I know "happiness" has lots of idealism attached to it but is clinical happiness what most people have? I think that since it's been so long that I've normalized my depression.

I'm not sure if I'm encouraged or discouraged at this point. I hope to force myself to continue with the book. It sounds promising and it's the closest thing I'll get to cognitive therapy at this point.

I dont know to what degree I am "mentally ill".

Both my parents have been diagnosed and medicated for depression. I was in counselling for a couple of months at age 19 for panic attacks. (after a while I just stopped going, all I used to do was invent fantasy's to tell the counseller, and I just felt like I was making a fool of myself)

I think I know I have some mental health "issues"... that I have dark moods and mood swings which are worse than normal people, that I have problems with self esteem and feeling like everyone around me hates me or is mocking me sometimes. Sometimes I dont sleep well, but that hasnt been a problem for the last year or so. Ive also stopped smoking and cut back probably 90% of what I used to drink (in terms of alcohol)

I dont think I will ever seek professional help again, because I think I can cope with it. But I guess sometimes the problems I have make me act irrationally, make me shut myself off from other people, and make my life worse than it ought to be.

_

I have done things that you might call "mad" before - like deliberately cut my arm when I was drunk because some girl didnt reply to a text message I sent, smashed things in my flat, written "you're a cunt" etc on the wall of my bedroom, broken windows... but when I look back I feel ashamed about it and I cant imagine doing it again now.

I couldnt ever imagine seriously hurting myself, I couldnt imagine having a real break down or failure. But sometimes my moods and feelings tip over the edge on unbelievably small things, and I blow up the tinest event to be a big deal and a sign that someone thinks Im a tosser or is laughing at me behind my back.

'Theres no one sane 'cept thee and me,
And I aint too sure about thee'

The late Spike Milligan - bi-polar comic artist, writer, and jolly nice chap.

Dont you find, that all the best people, have just a touch of lunacy about them.

Dear Anonymous:

I am editing this because I did not read all of the thread so I am just going to delete a lot of my text because it seems like you have been down this road quite a while and have tried a lot of things.

I have suffered from depression most of my life. I drank and smoked marijuana for a large portion of it to deal with the depression. Then I got sober and went quietly insane. No one would have ever guessed, or ever guess, that I know exactly how I would kill myself, planned down to the most minute detail.

The darkness sucks out your soul and any small degree of joy one might have is way beyond your grasp or imagination.

LunarEclipse.

LunarEclipse.

Not making light of it at all - many of us are in the same boat. Isnt it depressing when you try and kill yourself and cant even get that right. I know I have dark pit times, they are always at my shoulder. Watching South Park one night with my lad, they did the 'aunt Flo' episode. When aunt Flo comes to visit, you know your mother gets upset etc. I now try to think of the dark times as a visit from aunt Flo - I know they will pass - I try and hold onto that. I too find walking in the woods to be a benefit. You know 'contemplating nature' used to be the posh treatment for melancholia - the poor got Bedlam. I am glad I came on this thread, I now know I am not the only one who uses a bit of towelie special medicine to obliterate the immediate present when I cant cope with it. Also helps the sleeping pills work - nights when sleep wont come are every night. You know govt stats are always lies on the topic, I suffered from depression way before I heard of towelies stuff - first overdose I was 14/15. Annonymous, please try and hold on to the memory of light when you find yourself in the darkness. Dont forget to bring a towel.

It'll be a year tomorrow, today has not been good. I've seen the crash coming for a few weeks now, and today it's here. I'm not ok. I'm not actively suicidal, but I'm scared, the thoughts are there, but I won't act on them. I know this will pass, that I just need to hang on for today.