dlish

ive done some research online and cant really find post partum depression in males.

everyone is aware of post natal depression in females, but little attention is paid to pre and post partum depressing in males. it's like pregnancy has no affect on males, which is totally untrue.

after reading many threads about male TFP members being unsure of their standing when their parners become pregnant (this includes myself), i thought i'd throw this out there and see what experiences the males have had with having kids.

what experiences you're male partner has had in reaction to the news that they will become a father, or in reaction to them becoming a father.

have you or your partner been affected by depression as a result of the birth? why do people react in this manner? is it a physical, chemical, physiological, mental imbalance?

share your thoughts.

for me, being an independant person, have been affected to an extent. my mood's changed and my thoughts are consumed and confused. although the pregnancy was unexpected..sort of, it still hit me hard and i went into a depressed state for a while. i busied myself in otehr things in order to not think about the pregnancy. i realised that this event would change my life, and i dont know if i am ready for that. i think its quite selfish of me. but ive been independant and carefree, and now i have created a soul that is dependant on me that i will need to care for for the rest of its life.

i dont really mean to make it sound like a chore, because its not. but the dependancy factor and the fact that im losing my freedom to up and go at a whim really does get to me.

im babbling now, so ill gather my thoughts and post a little later.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Glory's Sun

I was the same way for a while dlish. I hated the fact that it seemed like I couldn't do anything or go anywhere when I wanted because I had to make sure that the baby was first and foremost. However, once the baby arrived and as it started to grow, I wanted to take my kid everywhere. I wanted to have him and her around so that I could teach them new things and see how they reacted. I love watching them grow and develop and wouldn't change it for anything. Granted, there are times when we all need a break, but in the end, watching that person develop as a direct result of your interaction is an amazing thing. I went from depressed and scared, to excited and thankful.

dlish

i can understand the growing up factor of teaching them new things. jewels posted a profound youtube video called 'what is this", and it made me wonder if i'd ever be the old man to my little kid in the video, to show that kind of patience and understanding.

i guess i speak froma selfish viewpoint. that its all about me. what i gain to lose is my independance and my alone time. im used to living in a certain way, which i enjoy very much, and this event will change it forever.

it is this change that im afraid will get me in thinking overdrive, and bring me down. i concede that currently im just thinking about the negatives, but these negatives are the experiences ive had. i was never fond of kids except when i was a toddler myself, so why should it change now?

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

little_tippler

it's so odd, I just read an article on this sort of topic today. I was about to post a thread and here it was already. I have a different angle though. Not exactly a post-partum depressionin males approach.

You see, I read an article about a man who wrote a book about the first days right after his wife gave birth to their babies, and how he coped with it. In it, he exposes how it's not so easy to bond with your child and how many men feel quite lost, because society expects them to feel a certain way, that is probably not natural at all.

It also mentions how there are a ton of books on how women can cope and learn to care for their babies, but almost no literature of this sort aimed at men. As a consequence, most men have to learn from the moment the baby is born, improvising as they go along, and learning to love the child.

It also spoke about why men may not feel so naturally inclined to love their child straight away, and offered some theories - a man isn't as sure as a woman that the baby is their own, instinctively speaking. For a woman, there is no doubt.

The writer went on to say, whereas in the beginning he felt that if his baby had been rolled under a car and killed he would have felt only a passing and required feeling of sadness, 6 months later he would have thrown himself in front of the car to save her from harm. Shocking but fascinating account.

Anyway, here is a link to the book.
I think this is an important issue and should not be overlooked.

It's ok to feel that way dlish. Just make sure you can talk to someone about it and let it off your chest. Your life will inevitably change, but it's in your power to maintain your individual interests going too. Love your kids, but don't live for them. When they're all grown, you want to have something of yours to look forward to. That's my take anyway.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

DaniGirl

I know pre and post partum depression can happen to men and not just women. I believe that it begins as mental then becomes a physical problem. There is a lot of stress when it comes to having a baby for both women and men. So why is it so hard for some people to believe that men can go threw the same symptoms as women. I do believe that there are some differences, maybe women have more physical symptoms since they are the ones giving birth while under so much stress or depression.

jewels

Listen to Gucci. It's just another growing pain, another new step in your life.

No amount of preparation really prepares you mentally for what's ahead, so as it approaches and arrives, it's very scary for the new father. Not only is it about responsibility and commitment, but you realize your relationship and time with your wife will change.

Talk to her about your feelings and fears, be there for her and the baby, and maintain your good friends. You're gonna be a great dad as long as you don't expect yourself to be some idea of perfect dlish/husband/father/employee/man you've got in your head.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

highthief

I don't think the two things are the same or really comparable. For a small percentage of women, their hormones get so fucked up after birth they can hardly function. They might as well be mentally ill.

Some guys might get pissed off they aren't getting as much action as before or have had restrictions placed upon them, but that's just life. Don't have a kid if you don't want your lifestyle to change.

__________________
Si vis pacem parabellum.

DaniGirl

I agree, my hormones get way out of wack when I am pregnant, I already posted here and I think men go threw alot, but highthief is right hormones make you almost a completely different person.

dlish

jewels...you just broke my spirit..are you saying im not perfect?!?!

i dont know what to expect. LT put it perfectly. that book should read "dlishs' life".

my problem is that i dont share a lot of my deep and personal thoughts to many. if i do, i scatter my ramblings amongst a few people, but i dont tell 1 person everything. its my safety net i guess.

living apart from family in another part of the world makes it hard to call someone up and speak to them. ive got advantages of living an expat life, but it does have its disadvantages too. this is one of them.

she-lish bought a book when she fell pregnant. it was almost an encyclopedia. a step by step guide of what you should or shouldnt be feelings, things to do, not do, what to expect etc. theres no such book that im aware of for men. we are left in the lurch expecting the unexpected. i dont know how to act, what to do, what to expect. i've probably been a party to that by burying my head in the sand, but this isnt going to go away.

for me its not about the attention i get. it really comes down to a change in lifestyle, and whether im prepared for it

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy