I'm losing it... (a very personal rant)

[Vigilante]

Thanks for listening

[Willravel]

I could spin out cookie cutter advice like talk to your wife or actively seek out new employment, but you're more than smart enough to do all of that and this thread is more a vent. I'll leave it at this: life can be hard. That fucking sucks. Just don't give up all fall into perpetual failure mode before giving it your all. If some retarded asshole can become president, there's hope for all of us.

[DaniGirl]

Well I know you are not looking for advice and I really don't have any good advice to give. I just want you to know you are not alone. Life gets so hard sometimes that I want to give up, but because of my kids I cant. It sounds like you are having a really hard time right now, so hopefully you can only go up from here. I hope that things get better for you.

[Vigilante]

Definitely agree, Will. I'm always looking and applying for jobs, but people are really picky right now. Really picky. I had a guy not hire me because we didn't agree on firefox vs internet explorer. Serious.

[Willravel]

Firefox, hands down. I don't know if I'd hire someone for a tech position that uses IE.

[Vigilante]

Haha. Indeed. Houston is a very microsoft-centric town. My boss, who almost made his CCIE, is afraid of linux and unix.

I use my home freeBSD box for SSH tunneling of my HTTP traffic at work so websense can't filter anything (and he doesn't know what I'm up to).

[Shauk]

Originally Posted by Willravel

Firefox, hands down. I don't know if I'd hire someone for a tech position that uses IE.

preach it.


MS will finally have a decent O/S as of Windows 7 after the dark ages of vista (not that I personally had stability issues with it, it was just slow and hard to navigate) but for the life of me, i can't figure out how they continually botch that browser to be worse and worse with each incarnation.


not to derail your thread but, hang in there buddy.

[jewels]

At least you're working. As they say, no matter what you're suffering through, it could always be worse.

What would it take to make things better? (Rhetorical, if it's not obvious.)

[PonyPotato]

Clean the fucking litterbox instead of bitching about it and filling yourself with rage. Carpool to save money and tell your wife it's not acceptable to fill your truck with stuff - if necessary, take it out of the truck every night and put it in the garage. She will soon get the hint and not be a fan of moving the same shit back into the truck every day.

Seriously, I understand you're in a bad place.. but your post makes me want to punch you. You know that the big thing in a relationship is communication, right? I'm sure it would hurt, but you need to be telling your wife this stuff so she doesn't think that everything is peachy on your end. She needs to know how bad it actually is. Bitching to us isn't going to do anything for you, because venting helps for a little while but to keep the effects of it going you have to do it constantly.

[squeeeb]

i hear your rant and understand. i'd buy you a beer if i could.

and i would print out your rant and make your wife read it so she understands as well.

[noodle]

Originally Posted by luciferase75

Not really looking for advice, more venting since I can't afford a therapist...

Okay, I can understand that. I just stick mine in a blog.

But, I see your words. You are not alone. And people are reading you.

[Tully Mars]

Wow, flash backs.

I think Will gave you some good advice. I also thing Pony's onto something. I don't want to punch you or anything but seriously you're in charge of you. Usually when dealing with issues like an SO's sloppy habits I find approaching them with "I love you. But when you do that I fell like this." works best. An I love you, but I'm hurt by your behaviors approach. I'd be very honest with her regarding your feelings.

As for you're financial situation it sucks, sure does. But Jewels is right, could always be worse. Least you have a job and it sounds like your bills are being paid.

[Stare At The Sun]

So let me get this straight -

You have a terrible sex life.
You are at a dead end job.
You and your wife have vastly different personalities that impede everything from sex to carpooling.
Your wife is rather selfish (vegas thing)
At times the very presence of your wife makes you angry...
and you hate your cat

OK - My simple solution - get a divorce. Start anew. If your situation is so bad that its making you suicidal..you should get out of it, plain and simple. No domestic situation is worth that.

In general people have way to much stress in their lives, and you sir are defiantly one of those people. If you dont want a divorce then start making a concerted effort to minimize the stress in your life. To me, a life that only gives you negatives isn't worth living. Either try and fix it as best you can, and minimize your stress, or say fuck it, and leave.

I'd also seriously suggest getting rid of the cat. Not only is what you describe gross, cats cost money. Also, consider separating your finances more so you don't have to pay for your wife's belly dancing trips.

[Vigilante]

Communication is something we've usually been good at.

[squeeeb]

if it's that bad, dump her. (this seems to be my answer to most things. don't listen to me. ever. )

[Vigilante]

LOL. After 15 years, it's not so black and white.

[Shell]

...this is what i'm hearing you say:

1. During a time when record numbers are jobless and hungry...you have a job and a wife who is working her belly off as she adds $$$ that pays your mortgage and all your bills...but you want more.

2. You just got a new backyard deck with your extra $$$ from uncle sam...but now you want a $1,000 jon boat and a backyard pond

3. During a recession when so many businesses are laying people off, putting a freeze on hiring, or just plain going belly-up....you want a raise.

4. You say your wife is a "slob"....um, she's making more money working than you are but you can't you do her dishes, clean out the kitty litter, and take the time to teach her organization (label some rubbermaid bins and tell her to throw her stuff in there and to never leave a room or car empty handed)

5. You say "when you get like this" you can't stand her presence and just want to be left alone...i am guessing the feeling is mutual...time for a fishing trip with your buddies or at least an evening out at the local library or YMCA or Barnes and Noble or just go run around the track a few times....do you cycle?

6. Your wife has a gig in Vegas but you don't gamble and don't want to add to the expense of the trip but you're still going...yet you could easily stay home and create a nice romantic surprise for her when she gets back...a selfless act reaping great rewards

7. You hate that your wife is so controlled with "...her diet and intake, control of her weight to the nth degree, control of her health, her looks", caring about keeping her skin young looking...............do i really need to remind you of the alternative? Think of how many husbands are out there with wives that have let themselves go.

...just an FYI about women....a woman wants to be made love to, romanced, courted...even after years of marriage. She's turned ON by love. She's turned OFF by self-centeredness, self-absorbtion, and hedonism. a man who can get outside of himself is a real catch.

You didn't want advise but just wanted to vent...consider the above "just venting" on my part.

[Vigilante]

Indeed. You missed the point a few times, but that's ok.

[Shell]

...i did want to add that i'm sorry about your neck and headaches...that certainly exacerbates your situation and is beyond your control. I realize that i was a little too tough on you but it obviously struck a chord with me...thank you for letting ME vent

[Vigilante]

I have thick skin, I can take it . Hopefully your frustrations are relieved as well, one day.

[Vigilante]

We had a big chat yesterday. Suffice to say things are alot better after we talked.

[Shell]

...i'm glad you communicated and things are better. The reason she's not interested in sex is because you're too easy, too predictable...i mean you've been all over her for 15 years like melted cheese on a Big Mac...you're smothering the poor thing. There's no game for her to win...no mystery...no tease. I say, muster all the self-control you've got and back-off. Act like youre indifferent for awhile and see how she reacts. Love is a dance.

...do this for a week (at least)...meanwhile, let her know how much you love her by doing things that aren't for a "means-to-an-end". Show her respect, thoughtfulness, interest in HER day. Make her feel like she's not an object but rather the most beloved creature in your life

...btw, the "chord you struck" with me is not that i'm sexually frustrated (does it show that much? lol). It's that i have no patience with men who don't appreciate their wife or SO

[shakran]

Originally Posted by luciferase75

Communication is something we've usually been good at. We rarely fight, we get along great (except lately since my mood has been foul) and we like to act silly. Sex is the one thing that we never agreed on, but in the past I have been able to look past it. I'm being sincere when i say the first 5 years of marriage were hell when it came to sex. I was young (21) and impatient, and perpetually horny. I jerked 2-4 times a day, and sometimes more. In case you're wondering, no kids.

I know it could be worse. I try to keep perspective with that. Biology is something that fixates me though. I WANT SEX. If I could chemically castrate myself, I would be seriously tempted. Sex is the one thing that torments me, calls me every day. When some hot thing is walking down the street in tight shorts and ass hanging out, I drool like a dog over bacon. I hate it. I tried to mentally do this for a while, and it worked, but after a few months it came back to the surface. Guess we aren't meant to do that.

Dude, that's normal. You enjoy sex. But you rarely get sex. Of course you want it all the time. I'm the same way with bacon.

The best thing I ever did was to get out of a sexless relationship. She never wanted sex. Well, guess what. Normal humans are wired to have and want sex. It's a biological thing. If your wife is anything like my ex was, she makes you out to be some foaming at the mouth sex crazed lunatic pseudo-rapist for having the unmitigated temerity to want to make love to her. That's no way to live. I finally figured that out. I hope you do.

I'm really torn. At this point talking just makes her feel bad, because we've talked so many times. I love her to death, yet I feel like separation is where we're going. I guess it comes down to will I throw away love over biology, or vice versa? I don't know yet.

Whether people admit it or not, love and biology are the same thing. Love requires both a physical and an emotional component. Love without emotion is an illusion, and love without physicality is a shadow of what it ought to be.


Now, all that said, get off your ass and clean out the litter box, then put it in the downstairs bathroom or something so you don't have to smell it in the computer room.

And quit bitching about not getting a raise. I know you're worth more than you're paid. We all are. But I'm just happy to have a job unlike many of my friends in my industry who are getting fired or furloughed. Once the economy improves (and it will, eventually) you'll have some leverage to either get a raise or a new job.

Besides, if your business has filed for bankruptcy, you're /very/ lucky to still be there. You must be valuable to the organization. They know that and will, if they're smart, reward you appropriately once they can.

[Zeraph]

OP- Wow, I'm almost exactly the same. Neck pain, migraines, etc.

[Vigilante]

Originally Posted by Zeraph

OP- Wow, I'm almost exactly the same. Neck pain, migraines, etc.

Chiropractor helps alot for me, when my neck isn't already irritated.

I have scoliosis from my left leg being 12mm shorter than the other. I wear a heel lift in my shoe to correct it, but the damage is done. My bones grew slightly off, and they still fight against the straightening force. As a result my C1/2 goes off to the side after a while, and that's when things get bad, as you read already. What about you, ever been xrayed for scoliosis?

[Shell]

...have you two ever had significant whiplash in a car accident?

...and, luciferase, you're right, the first 5 words of your OP said you're not looking for advice. We should all be able to vent without perfect strangers (myself) coming and assessing the situation in a new york minute...as if i have any clue what's really going on (and obviously i missed diagnosed). I apologize.

...one thing is clear...you love her deeply and you want it to work. Has your wife ever seen a sex therapist?

[Zeraph]

No, but I plan to.

[Vigilante]

Originally Posted by Shell

Has your wife ever seen a sex therapist?

Originally Posted by Zeraph

No, but I plan to.

LOL. Sorry. Perfect placement there, couldn't resist

[n0nsensical]

If you're not getting the pain relief you need, you should ask your doctor for something stronger or find a doctor who will give it to you. Vicodin is pretty weak as painkillers go and ibuprofen is not a painkiller at all but an anti-inflammatory. If your pain is not caused by inflammation it will do nothing for you. Those kind of conditions would certainly qualify you for medical marijuana in places that have it, and you may not have that option but you can always get non-medical marijuana in any case. For some people and some conditions marijuana can be a better painkiller than opioids or anti-inflammatories. Of course it might not be much use during workdays. Every person and every condition is different. Try different things until you find something that works for you.

For more frequent sex, you could try switching your wife's birth control method. Hormonal birth control is notorious for ruining your sex life. A lower dose of hormones (many pills have a far higher dose than is strictly necessary to prevent ovulation) or something completely non-hormonal like an IUD could increase her interest.

[Vigilante]

For me the pain is generally inflamation plus misalignment, which under tension causes more pain and helps hurry the migraine along.

Ibuprofen is my drug of choice because the source of most of my pain is inflamation. It works well enough and I have the prescription horsepills. The vicodin is just to take the edge off. I may feel the pain on a bad day, but I don't give a shit LOL

I don't take pills often or really smoke a doob unless I need to chill. I definitely don't do maryjane for pain. I know it's non-addictive etc, believe me, but it's just a personal thing. Plus I'm job hunting. Smoking the green is the worst thing I could do to get in the way of finding a new job, because in IT most employers give you a drug test before you even get in the door. As it stands, I haven't touched any weed in 6 years or more. Not that I'm against it, it's just I have to stay on my toes for my jobs. If I find a chill place I can settle into, I'll probably relax my policy a little.

She mentioned UIDs a while back, but we DO NOT want kids or accidents, and her flow is super heavy, like perpetually anemic, off the pill. Good lord her PMS is crazy too. I fear the raging female within when she is off the pill! Haha!

[MSD]

Originally Posted by luciferase75

Chiropractor helps alot for me, when my neck isn't already irritated.

Chiropractors do therapeutic massage at best. See a real doctor instead of a quack if you want to get better. And watch out with Ibuprofen, after years of taking 800mg for aches and pains, a doctor at the walk-in told me over the weekend that it increases blood pressure significantly.

[Vigilante]

You should probably stick to what you know. If you are in the medical field (I have no idea) then maybe you should think about the design on the body more.

If not for realigning my neck, I would suffer completely handicapping/debilitating headaches and partial blindness much more often. When I was a child and teenager I would turn my head and randomly pinch nerves so bad that my tongue and face would be numb on one side. BTW that was extremely painful when that happened. An MD would never be able to treat that except with pills and finally surgery when the pills failed to actually move cervical vertebrae, and good god man, what kind of shape would I be in now if I had surgery to correct something that would simply return later because they didn't solve the originating issue?? I'd have massive scars on my neck, possibly rods keeping it straight and my leg would still be short on one side and the rest of my spine would still be misaligned.

Real doctor yes, but DCs are as real as MDs, just in a different area. I'm not talking about the holistic herbal remedy and enemas weekly doctors, I'm talking about the practical, let's fix the nerve pinches and get things back in line and normal, doctors.

I can take pills for pain, daily, for the rest of my life, or I can get realigned once every month or 2 and keep a clear head. Once it's corrected it's fine, but when it's bad I have to take the ibuprofen. It's not a daily or even weekly affair.