dualman7

I'll never forget the day Anne approached me.


I should start off by saying that I'm in my mid 20's and a pretty shy guy. Every relationship I've ever been in was a result of the girl pursuing me (which equals very few relationships).


I've been working at the same place for a couple years. I'm not a very social person--I don't go out with co-workers because I just don't feel comfortable in those kinds of situations. .

Basically; I come to work, keep to myself while i do my job, and leave.


It had been like this as long as I'd been there.

One day I show up, and there are two women sitting at my desk and giggling. One of them was Anne, our office secretary. We had all known each other, but it was never more than a hi and bye type of deal. As i was unpacking my stuff, still confused as to why they were at my desk, Anne began asking me all kinds of questions about what I do. Eventually her friend would leave, while Anne would spend most of her free time at my desk over the next week. We talked about all kinds of things and got to know about each other's lives.

This was my last week at work before summer vacation. I was going to spend the summer at my parents' house in another city. I told Anne that i would love for her to come and visit me sometime during the summer. My parents' house was an hour bus ride from her home, so she could go back the same day.

To my amazement, she came. I took her everywhere I could think of. I enjoyed spending time with her so much that i invited her to come out the following week.


Amazingly she came again--and again we had a great time hanging out.

In my mind, i knew that i was falling hard for this girl. In my heart, I didn't think she felt that way about me. She's a beautiful smart girl who any guy would be lucky to have, and while I'm a nice a guy--I'm nothing to write home about.

So I made a decision that instead of pursuing her romantically and likely losing her from my life entirely, i would just be friends and nothing more. We continued to hang out probably once per week throughout the summer, until she began to bail on me.

It was pretty disrespectful in the ways it was done and I knew that i was beginning to lose her even as a friend. I accepted that and was just having the summer of my life with my childhood friends.

One day towards the end of the summer, i got a sudden urge to invite Anne over and finally tell her how I felt. I decided that since i wasn't going to have her as a friend, I might as well tell her how i feel, or regret it for the rest of my life.

She agreed to come, and we spent the day together. As I was taking her home, I knew if i didn't tell her now, I never would. I had played this moment dozens of times in my head leading up to it, and now here it was. I wasn't sure if i could do it.

Somehow, I blurted out "I really enjoy your company. I've thought long and hard about this. And What do you think about letting me take you to a real dinner, as more than just friends?"

The reaction was not something i was ready for. Imagine telling a 6 year old that Santa Clause was fake, and getting a swift NO WAY!

It was similar to that, followed by the statement that she wasn't ready to date and wanted to be friends.

The ride back to her home was probably the most awkward hour of my life.


We have not hung out after that. When i see her at work, I just say hello and keep walking. There have been a couple instances where we got stuck in an elevator together and briefly spoke.

She has a boyfriend now and i see them together all the time.

It's been 5 months since I told Anne how I feel. When I have a moment to myself, I'm still get attacked by thought of what I could have done differently to have had a chance with the girl of my dreams.

shakran

You aren't confident enough. By not believing that she could possibly be interested in you, you pursued a platonic relationship, then suddenly at the end tried to jump over to the romantic track after she'd given up any ideas, assuming she had them, of more than friends with you.

and it could be that she just simply was never and would never be interested in you in that way. That's not a reflection on you - there are plenty of very fine and lovely women out there whom I have no romantic interest in either.

Xerxys

Actually Shakran, I think the girl was interested. He just snoozed, then lost!! Man, you know the thread "5 things you wished you had never learned".... I'm gonna have to go with "The Ladder Theory".

Why in heavens name did you not even in any way try to persuade her somehow to pursue you?! Move on man, the balls in her court now that you already told her how you feel and if she still likes you she might throw back but unlikely. But next time, shyness, inappropriateness and all feelings of inadequacy be damned!! Always take the plunge!!. Being rejected feels SO MUCH better than what your feeling right now, I know this how.....

Personal experience!!

How do you get her to pursue you.... by making it mutual. When people say be yourself that has a lot to do with being honest and confident!!! I don't swallow that BS you said about not being confident. Always be honest and tell her your shy and would like to be given some time to compose yourself into what you might think it is that she wants. Trust me it works......

genuinegirly

Timing was off, that's all.

You waited until she was already starting to bail.
She saw things weren't going to progress with you, she was too insecure to step up and tell you flat-out how she felt about you.
She moved on.
After she had moved on, you told her your feelings.
That's enough to make anyone freak out, get embarrassed, and drop a friendship.

Don't expect it, but if a rough point comes along with this current guy, she will likely turn back your way (assuming she doesn't have someone else's shoulder and testosterone to lean on).

I recommend moving on. Work on communicating your emotions. You'll be better off in the long run.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Hyacinthe

Agree 110% with GG on this one

She was obviously interested but couldn't work up the balls to tell you how she felt ( I don't care that she doesn't actually have them btw before anyone corrects me on this)

You did the right thig, you found you were developing more then feeling of platonic friendship and told her how you felt. She decided otherwise.

Who knows why she reacted the way she did, maybe she had given up, maybe she just thought of you as a friend, maybe she had just received test results proving she had syphilis and wanted to wait to get that cleared up before jumping into a relationship or maybe she was just a tease who wanted to have a heap of guys running around after her at work.

Either way she passed up an opportunity to have a great thing, your love and affection. Never EVER EVER believe that is not a fantastic gift you have to give to someone else, this girl obviously doesn't value it as highly as she should. So wait til you find someone who does, one day you will meet some girl who you think is gorgeous and smart and funny and who you just click with and all that shyness and hesitance you feel will drop away after a few days chatting to her.

As for Anne, if she comes back (and she well might) keep in mind that she's already toyed with your feelings once and before you talk to her, kiss her, invite her over look her in the eyes and decide if she's worth going through what you're going through now all over again. Unless you can fully with every inch of you say yes she is, don't do it.

__________________
"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

PulpMind

Don't give up on the friendship. You have a ton of fun with her, and regardless of anything romantic, having a good, kick ass time with people is more rare than anyone would have anyone else believe. Women (and men!) love communication.
If I were in your shows, I would find a situation in which you can be frank with her... that's hard to do at most workplaces, and if it's not possible at yours, maybe be like "hey you're off at 3, right? can I meet you outside?"... you have to judge what you can ask of her in that regard. anyway... tell her "I think you're really awesome and fun. your friendship is important to me and if you like hanging out with me, then nothing should get in the way of that. we're both adults, right? let's be get some icream sometime."

If she still denies your frienship then the only reasonable thing you can do is assume that she actually really did like you and A) ladder theory, and B) she has a boyfriend and is protecting that relationship (FUCK I WISH MY LAST GIRLFRIEND HAD THAT KIND OF RESPECT). Opting to think that she didn't like you will only poison future attempts at man-woman interaction. True or not, they get in the way of greater truths.
At this point you're like "no way, she's hot and I'm totally not" but you know what? Shut the fuck up. Women are not as shallow as we (men) are. Well, except about cock. That whole "it's how you use it" thing is only about 60% true. But you don't have to worry about that in this situation. In this situation, you met a mid-20's girl (post shallow age) who met a really sweet guy that she really got along with. All she was thinking about was the potential that she could be with a really great, nice guy. Then that guy was not confident and didn't make a move. Fuck, I hate that shit. Why the hell do men always have to make the move? Women's lib my fucking ass. Whatever - the reality is, you didn't make the move, so that made you a friend for an indeffinite period of time. When you did make a move, obviously, it became awkward. Now you must communicate with her, confidently, and tell her how it's going to be, cuz her friendship is awesome, regardless of whatever you said before.

In closing, DO NOT CONFUSE CONFIDENCE WITH A BLOATED EGO. Know your humility and be humble.
-----Added 27/1/2009 at 06 : 27 : 33-----
Also...
Some women (and men) are just fucking stupid.
Because of what is essentially a mental illness, some people hop around from one relationship (friendship and/or romantic) to the next. Indulging to the fullest extent possible, then, after having sucked all the energy out of that relationship, leave it behind and move on.
I think they're commonly called succubus.
Fuck those bitches and assholes.

I hope your friend is just in need of reassurance of your intentions of friendship, and not one of those kinds of cheese maggots.

Iliftrocks

You sound a lot like me. Sorry about that. heh

Anyway, my guess is that she was interested in you, but felt rejected by the time it took you to make your move. It happens a lot with introverts, and especially those of us with a smaller portion of self esteem than others. You are going to have to stick your neck out more often, if you want things to work for you. I'd give up on pursuing her if she's already moved on. Respect that she's got a new boyfriend. You can, and should, still be her friend. In the long run that might help you get over her more effectively. Otherwise, you might idolize her and create a way too perfect image of her to get over. (yeah, been there, done that)


Move on from this, but don't withdraw further. You obviously want a partner, just try to make sure you don't miss opportunities that come along.

BIG warning: Don't settle for the first one to come along either. Make sure the other person actually is a good match for you. (yeah, done that too. several times)

__________________
bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

Cynthetiq

you waited until you got too deep into the friend zone.... once there, it was too late. At least that's what some or most people believe.

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