Frustrated with my Mom - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

dalnet22 · 01-01-2009, 08:50 PM

I'm looking for outside opinions here. I'm getting older, and I'm moving out of the house this next summer as I transition to grad school. As such, my Mom is an adult who can do whatever she wants. I have no right to tell her what to. Still, I get frustrated.

Outside of cleaning around the house, all she does is watch TV. She used to have 4 VCRs going at once, claiming she was recording important stuff. There are boxes upstairs of VHS tapes, and we're now down to one working VCR. She's moved away from recording so much, but she still sits and watches reality shows, day time soap operas and talk shows, dramas, everything. This isn't anything new - I never noticed it as I grew up, but TV was the family's main thing. My Mom and Dad are married and "get along", but they have nothing in common. My Mom always tells me that she wishes she had married someone else. I tell her that's mean because I would be completely different, but she doesn't think so. Of course, all that matters to her is having a kid. The kind of life I've lead isn't the important part - either way, she'd have a kid with whoever she married.

That's going off on a tangent. The second problem is her lack of motivation to do what she says she will do. She says she's going to sell stuff on eBay. She has saved everything for years and years, so we have plenty of crap to sell. I've pushed her to do it a few times, even getting her to sell an item or two. But, I can't get the ball rolling. She's purchased numerous exercise machines and little 19.99 TV specials that look enticing to her. But she has never used those things with may an exception or two. She told her sister today that she is going to get organized, but my Dad just laughed, knowing that will never happen.

She claims she doesn't walk our dogs because she doesn't like it where we live. She said when we move to a warmer climate, she'll take them out and get exercise. But, she also said that in the previous place we lived. Granted, we moved to the current location because of in state tuition for my college. But, we live in a safe, small neighborhood. And it's plenty warm and sunny in the summer, ,yet she's never walked them.

We own some very expensive furniture and carpets. So my Mom keeps the dogs locked up in the tile kitchen so that they won't ruin the furniture. And still, she keeps our $1000 rug rolled up in the corner to protect it from getting damaged. She also covers our nice chairs and couches with blankets so that we don't ruin them. I know old people cover their furniture with plastic and all that, but it's ridiculous. My Mom likes having expensive things just for the sake of having them. She never uses anything or allows anything to get worn in.

Basically, my Mom lives at home with no friends, and can do so because my Dad makes a ton of money. I worry that when he dies, she'll become just like the mom Requiem for a Dream. If you've ever seen that, you'll know what I'm talking about. The mom doesn't have anything but her son, and she's obsessed with this game show on TV. I won't ruin the movie...

I am frustrated with my Mom. Am I out of line to try and change her? She has good intentions, but she spoiled me and told me very cruel things as I grew up (such as how she hates my Dad and wishes she hadn't met him). So, I'm concerned about when I have children. She'll want to baby sit and take care of them, but I don't think that'd be a great idea. If she changed and became a more motivated, social person, I would be more comfortable with the idea of her influencing my children.

Am I out of line? She I let her be?

telekinetic · 01-01-2009, 10:37 PM

Let her be. You are usually out of line to change people, it will never work, and both of you will just be frustrated in the process.

Hyacinthe · 01-02-2009, 01:28 AM

Can you change her?

The answer is no btw. Fact is you can't change people they need to want to change and it doesn't sound like your mum really wants to. She's happy how she is, leave her alone because all you'll do is cause more angst.

As for taking care of your kids - well do you have some now? If not wait and see what happens - who knows how long it will be before you find the right woman and she gets pregnant.

robot_parade · 01-02-2009, 06:25 AM

Don't try to change her. It won't work, and will leave both of you pissed off. She *could* change, if she really wanted to. Personally, when you settle down, I'd suggest you move far enough away so she wouldn't be a daily caretaker for your kids. Some people are just poisonous, and unfortunately my mom is one also (though in a different way). That doesn't mean you should hate her, or judge her at all, or try to fix her, or even pity her. But learn to keep your distance for your own sake, and your (eventual) family's.

Also, if you wanted to, and could afford to take care of them, you could ask for one or both of the dogs. But they aren't your responsibility, and unless they're actually being mistreated (well, keeping 2 active dogs in a small room is mistreating them, but you know what I mean), there's not much you could do otherwise.

snowy · 01-02-2009, 07:38 AM

The inability to start and finish things (lack of motivation) suggests there may be an element of low-level depression at play here.

That said, it's up to your mother to sort out her own business. You can certainly make suggestions, but I am not sure that that would be wise. If your mother seems happy with life the way it is, let it be. Sometimes the best course of action, no matter how frustrating it may seem, is to do nothing.

Cynosure · 01-02-2009, 09:41 AM

Lack of motivation... Soon to be facing an empty nest... Inability to finish projects... No physical exercise, and little to no mental exercise... Hates her husband (or, at least, has a lot of built up, pent in resentment toward him)... Few if any friends... My educated guess is that your mom is suffering from clinical depression. She needs therapy, ASAP, and possibly anti-depressants. And, IMHO, she should seek spiritual guidance as well.

Quote:

What is Clinical Depression?

When we refer to depression in the following pages, we are talking about "clinical depression." Clinical depression is a serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Individuals with clinical depression are unable to function as they used to. Often they have lost interest in activities that were once enjoyable to them, and feel sad and hopeless for extended periods of time. Clinical depression is not the same as feeling sad or depressed for a few days and then feeling better. It can affect your body, mood, thoughts, and behavior. It can change your eating habits, how you feel and think, your ability to work and study, and how you interact with people. People who suffer from clinical depression often report that they "don't feel like themselves anymore."

Clinical depression is not a sign of personal weakness, or a condition that can be willed away. Clinically depressed people cannot "pull themselves together" and get better. In fact, clinical depression often interferes with a person's ability or wish to get help. Clinical depression is a serious illness that lasts for weeks, months and sometimes years. It may even influence someone to contemplate or attempt suicide.

People of all ages, genders, ethnicities, cultures, and religions can suffer from clinical depression. Each year it affects over 17 million American men and women (source: American Psychiatric Association). While clinical depression is common, it is frequently unrecognized and untreated.

There are different types and levels of clinical depression. Mental health counselors and psychiatrists are trained to diagnose and treat clinical depression. With the right treatment, most people who seek help get better within several months. Many people begin to feel better in just a few weeks.

What is clinical depression?

dalnet22 · 01-02-2009, 10:44 AM

Thanks for the replies. It's hard because I've had to learn to simply not care. And in the process of numbing my feelings, I don't think I love her anymore. It's ultimately come to this. If she won't listen to my advice or consider what I have to say, then I have to separate myself.

It's too bad.

ratbastid · 01-02-2009, 10:47 AM

People say "I love you" in a lot of strange ways. Rarely do they say it the way we think they're supposed to be saying it. But that doesn't mean they're not saying it. Ultimately, one goal to strive for is to get to the point that you hear everything they say as "I love you".

fnaqzna · 01-02-2009, 11:06 PM

Leave her be. Some people are depressed. Others are just introverts. She'll sort it out.

thingstodo · 01-03-2009, 03:21 AM

A lot of good advice on here already regarding your mom. I have some regarding you.

Take care of yourself; you really are number one. Go out and live YOUR life. You are getting ready to move out and begin really building your life. Your focus on school and these other things will take up most of your time. Let your mom be who she is and appreciate all she has done for you. Just because you disagree with her lifestyle choices doesn't mean you love her any less.

More important: things change. That means you, your mother and your father. Just go with the flow and see what happenes.

genuinegirly · 01-18-2009, 09:31 PM

good for you for distancing yourself.
Now it's time to live your life. She and those immediately in her life will see to her needs. Time for you to fly. Don't be weighted down by her seeming distress. Seeing your success will give her something to talk about - something to make her proud, or something to talk to her few associates about at the very least.

You will find you do love her. Sometime. The little happy things always come back.

Plan9 · 01-18-2009, 10:04 PM

Wow, my parents are just as retarded as yours! If anything... know that you are not alone.

You and I, brother... on top of a mountain of VHS cassettes and $19.95 TV wonders.

01-01-2009, 08:50 PM	#1 (permalink)
dalnet22 Crazy	Frustrated with my Mom I'm looking for outside opinions here. I'm getting older, and I'm moving out of the house this next summer as I transition to grad school. As such, my Mom is an adult who can do whatever she wants. I have no right to tell her what to. Still, I get frustrated. Outside of cleaning around the house, all she does is watch TV. She used to have 4 VCRs going at once, claiming she was recording important stuff. There are boxes upstairs of VHS tapes, and we're now down to one working VCR. She's moved away from recording so much, but she still sits and watches reality shows, day time soap operas and talk shows, dramas, everything. This isn't anything new - I never noticed it as I grew up, but TV was the family's main thing. My Mom and Dad are married and "get along", but they have nothing in common. My Mom always tells me that she wishes she had married someone else. I tell her that's mean because I would be completely different, but she doesn't think so. Of course, all that matters to her is having a kid. The kind of life I've lead isn't the important part - either way, she'd have a kid with whoever she married. That's going off on a tangent. The second problem is her lack of motivation to do what she says she will do. She says she's going to sell stuff on eBay. She has saved everything for years and years, so we have plenty of crap to sell. I've pushed her to do it a few times, even getting her to sell an item or two. But, I can't get the ball rolling. She's purchased numerous exercise machines and little 19.99 TV specials that look enticing to her. But she has never used those things with may an exception or two. She told her sister today that she is going to get organized, but my Dad just laughed, knowing that will never happen. She claims she doesn't walk our dogs because she doesn't like it where we live. She said when we move to a warmer climate, she'll take them out and get exercise. But, she also said that in the previous place we lived. Granted, we moved to the current location because of in state tuition for my college. But, we live in a safe, small neighborhood. And it's plenty warm and sunny in the summer, ,yet she's never walked them. We own some very expensive furniture and carpets. So my Mom keeps the dogs locked up in the tile kitchen so that they won't ruin the furniture. And still, she keeps our $1000 rug rolled up in the corner to protect it from getting damaged. She also covers our nice chairs and couches with blankets so that we don't ruin them. I know old people cover their furniture with plastic and all that, but it's ridiculous. My Mom likes having expensive things just for the sake of having them. She never uses anything or allows anything to get worn in. Basically, my Mom lives at home with no friends, and can do so because my Dad makes a ton of money. I worry that when he dies, she'll become just like the mom Requiem for a Dream. If you've ever seen that, you'll know what I'm talking about. The mom doesn't have anything but her son, and she's obsessed with this game show on TV. I won't ruin the movie... I am frustrated with my Mom. Am I out of line to try and change her? She has good intentions, but she spoiled me and told me very cruel things as I grew up (such as how she hates my Dad and wishes she hadn't met him). So, I'm concerned about when I have children. She'll want to baby sit and take care of them, but I don't think that'd be a great idea. If she changed and became a more motivated, social person, I would be more comfortable with the idea of her influencing my children. Am I out of line? She I let her be?

01-01-2009, 10:37 PM	#2 (permalink)
telekinetic zomgomgomgomgomgomg Location: Fauxenix, Azerona	Let her be. You are usually out of line to change people, it will never work, and both of you will just be frustrated in the process. __________________ twisted no more

01-02-2009, 01:28 AM	#3 (permalink)
Hyacinthe Psycho Location: Australia	Can you change her? The answer is no btw. Fact is you can't change people they need to want to change and it doesn't sound like your mum really wants to. She's happy how she is, leave her alone because all you'll do is cause more angst. As for taking care of your kids - well do you have some now? If not wait and see what happens - who knows how long it will be before you find the right woman and she gets pregnant. __________________ "I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own" "Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

01-02-2009, 07:38 AM	#5 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	The inability to start and finish things (lack of motivation) suggests there may be an element of low-level depression at play here. That said, it's up to your mother to sort out her own business. You can certainly make suggestions, but I am not sure that that would be wise. If your mother seems happy with life the way it is, let it be. Sometimes the best course of action, no matter how frustrating it may seem, is to do nothing. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

01-03-2009, 03:21 AM	#10 (permalink)
thingstodo A Storm Is Coming Location: The Great White North	A lot of good advice on here already regarding your mom. I have some regarding you. Take care of yourself; you really are number one. Go out and live YOUR life. You are getting ready to move out and begin really building your life. Your focus on school and these other things will take up most of your time. Let your mom be who she is and appreciate all she has done for you. Just because you disagree with her lifestyle choices doesn't mean you love her any less. More important: things change. That means you, your mother and your father. Just go with the flow and see what happenes. __________________ If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves. Stangers have the best candy.

01-02-2009, 06:25 AM	#4 (permalink)
robot_parade Junkie Location: San Antonio, TX	Don't try to change her. It won't work, and will leave both of you pissed off. She could change, if she really wanted to. Personally, when you settle down, I'd suggest you move far enough away so she wouldn't be a daily caretaker for your kids. Some people are just poisonous, and unfortunately my mom is one also (though in a different way). That doesn't mean you should hate her, or judge her at all, or try to fix her, or even pity her. But learn to keep your distance for your own sake, and your (eventual) family's. Also, if you wanted to, and could afford to take care of them, you could ask for one or both of the dogs. But they aren't your responsibility, and unless they're actually being mistreated (well, keeping 2 active dogs in a small room is mistreating them, but you know what I mean), there's not much you could do otherwise.

01-02-2009, 10:44 AM	#7 (permalink)
dalnet22 Crazy	Thanks for the replies. It's hard because I've had to learn to simply not care. And in the process of numbing my feelings, I don't think I love her anymore. It's ultimately come to this. If she won't listen to my advice or consider what I have to say, then I have to separate myself. It's too bad.

01-02-2009, 10:47 AM	#8 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	People say "I love you" in a lot of strange ways. Rarely do they say it the way we think they're supposed to be saying it. But that doesn't mean they're not saying it. Ultimately, one goal to strive for is to get to the point that you hear everything they say as "I love you".

01-02-2009, 11:06 PM	#9 (permalink)
fnaqzna Meat Popsicle Location: Left Coast	Leave her be. Some people are depressed. Others are just introverts. She'll sort it out.

01-18-2009, 09:31 PM	#11 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	good for you for distancing yourself. Now it's time to live your life. She and those immediately in her life will see to her needs. Time for you to fly. Don't be weighted down by her seeming distress. Seeing your success will give her something to talk about - something to make her proud, or something to talk to her few associates about at the very least. You will find you do love her. Sometime. The little happy things always come back. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

01-18-2009, 10:04 PM	#12 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Wow, my parents are just as retarded as yours! If anything... know that you are not alone. You and I, brother... on top of a mountain of VHS cassettes and $19.95 TV wonders. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."