relationship advice? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

silentbob · 03-14-2008, 03:57 PM

hello TFP'ers,

I recently met this girl, and although we arent bf/gf, I am starting to feel that it is heading in this direction. She seems to be interested in me

She is an awesome person, everything you could ask for (...dont all these threads start off like this -.-)

But one of my friends brought up some stories (that are not rumors) about her past that made me think twice. I dont feel like I need to disclose what happened exactly, but it isnt something that someone would put past themselves.

Me on the other hand, I am relatively conservative, I dont sleep around with random girls I meet, as I rather have a relationship with them before anything sexual is brought into the picture.

Right now I wish I never found out what I did, but the past is the past. I cant do anything about it.

I just dont know if I should follow through with the relationship if she wants one, or just cut it off before it gets too serious. I dont know if its healthy to have this at the back of my mind.

Am I jumping the gun? Or should I just let things take place as time goes by?

thanks

levite · 03-14-2008, 04:31 PM

Quote:

I went through something like what you're talking about, a couple years ago, this chick named Amy. So, there's me and Amy. And we're all inseparable, right? Big time in love. Then four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Which, as we all know, is a really dumb move. But you know how you don't wanna know, but just have to know-- stupid guy bullshit. So, anyway, she starts telling me about him. How they fell in love, how they went out for a couple of years, how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah blah blah blah blah. And I'm okay. Then she drops the bomb. And the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with him, "menage a trois," I believe it's called. And this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to this sorta thing; I was raised Catholic, for God's sake. So I'm totally weirded out by this, right? So I start blasting her. I mean, I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is to call her 'slut,' tell her she was used. I'm out for blood, I really want to hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem," right? And she's just trying to calmly tell me it was that time, it was that place, and she doesn't feel like she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. And I say, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye, tell her it's over. I walk. ...It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. In that moment, I felt small, like I lacked experience, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm saying? But what I did not get: she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy any more. She was looking for me, for the Bob. But by the time I figured this all out, it was too late. She had moved on. And all I had to show for it was some foolish pride which gave way to regret. She was the girl. I know that now. But I pushed her away. So I spend every day since then chasing Amy. So to speak.

Sorry, but one gets so few opportunities to have an extended Kevin Smith monologue be so apropos, in so many ways....

In all seriousness, however, don't get hung up on rumors about this girl's past, or even verified stories of what she's done. If this girl really has genuine feelings for you, she will treat you as you, and not anyone else, and she will behave with you as she believes will help in getting closer to you. What you need to do is relate to her as the girl you know, the girl she presents herself to you as being. You don't know the truth of rumors, you don't know context, you don't know her feelings, you don't know what things have changed in her life between her past and the place she's at now.

If you like her, and she likes you, and you feel like this is someone who-- if you'd never heard any stories of her past-- you would want to spend time with and be close to...then conduct the relationship that way. The best thing for you to do is to just take a deep breath, and realize that her past is not your business unless she chooses to share it with you.

However, if worst comes to worst, and you find that you absolutely can't just put this aside and move past it, then talk with her about it calmly, and in a compassionate way. Don't judge her until you know what really happened, how she really feels about it, and where she's at now. Listen to her, and try to be accepting.

But don't just cut her loose because you heard a bunch of gossip. That's a great way to lose out on a great girl, for no good reason at all.

Prince · 03-14-2008, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by levite

If you like her, and she likes you, and you feel like this is someone who-- if you'd never heard any stories of her past-- you would want to spend time with and be close to...then conduct the relationship that way. The best thing for you to do is to just take a deep breath, and realize that her past is not your business unless she chooses to share it with you.

Very true.

Not only that, but keep in mind that people change. We grow. Maybe she made mistakes when she was younger. We all have. Doesn't mean she should go on paying for them over and over at the expense of a new relationship.

Manic_Skafe · 03-14-2008, 05:33 PM

I can understand wanting to scrub your brain until the thoughts of her past - which might I add are none of your business - but if you can't move past it then perhaps you should consider ending things before you waste her time.

Not many people can say that they've found someone who's "perfect in every way" and perhaps what you need is to toss all of that away over nonsense just to learn to appreciate the situation you were fortunate enough to be in.

Quote:

Not only that, but keep in mind that people change. We grow. Maybe she made mistakes when she was younger. We all have. Doesn't mean she should go on paying for them over and over at the expense of a new relationship.

Perhaps it's just me but in this day and age, I refuse to accept that she did anything wrong. Even if the tales of her past promiscuity are true - they serve as little more than a testament to the sad fact that women who are in touch with their sexuality are all too commonly considered whores.

I like sex. You like sex. Let's all grow up.

genuinegirly · 03-14-2008, 05:45 PM

Ok...

Now, your post tells us very little. I really don't have any idea what the issues are that she had in the past. I find it honorable that you don't want to say it.

You should stay clear of her if the events in the past have anything to do with:

- Walking away with a previous BF/husband 's money

or

- Significant jail time

silentbob · 03-14-2008, 06:46 PM

levite - thanks for that post, as much as i would love to put it past me, it still lingers in the back of my mind

prince - i really hope that is the case, she has a few years on me, probably but she has also been through a lot more than i have. both in life and in relationships.

from what we've been talking about she seems to have a different set of values now, but i dont know if its just a front shes putting up to hide her past.

Manic_Skafe - none of my business, i completely agree, but whats done is done. i found out what i SHOULDNT have in the first place, and i really regret it now. it has ruined a lot of potential that we could have had.

genuinegirly - i would love to share more, but i'm sure anyone would appreciate not having their history revealed on the internet, even if no names were revealed.

but to answer your question, none of those two that i know of... or at least i hope i dont find out about.

--------

I just wish I hadn't dug myself this hole I'm in right now... Not much I can do now I guess.

I am willing to give it a try, but I'm afraid its going to be a futile attempt at making things work. Only time will tell

Thanks for everyones input, I really appreciate it!

jewels · 03-15-2008, 05:35 AM

The stories that your friends brought up that aren't rumors, how did you find out they were facts? No facts, no judgments.

Even if you knew these juicy tidbits to be true, think about how that would impact the way you feel or the potential future with her. You sound as though you enjoy her and there are future possibilities with her.

That's fucking awesome. Enjoy her, get to know her and see where it all leads. Don't sweat it until you see the three-headed baby that her evil twin is watching for her.

silentbob · 03-15-2008, 07:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jewels443

The stories that your friends brought up that aren't rumors, how did you find out they were facts? No facts, no judgments.

Even if you knew these juicy tidbits to be true, think about how that would impact the way you feel or the potential future with her. You sound as though you enjoy her and there are future possibilities with her.

That's fucking awesome. Enjoy her, get to know her and see where it all leads. Don't sweat it until you see the three-headed baby that her evil twin is watching for her.

jewels443, because i would like to keep her past private, youre going to have to take my word for it

i had my doubts too, but i am 110% sure that those events were true.

once that three headed baby comes out, im gone!

thanks for the reply

levite · 03-15-2008, 09:52 AM

Listen, dude. I respect your desire not to put someone else's story on the Net. So I say the following without knowing if the stories of her past that bother you are kinky sex, or messed up emotional dealings, or some other unsavory or unscrupulous behavior. The implication that we all seem to have leaped to is that it's a sex thing, so I'm going to go with that.

I hear you about not being able to let it go: sometimes it just hangs on. I can understand that. But if that's the case, I want to reinforce my recommendation that you talk to her about it. You can't forget what you know, so the only way you're going to get past this is by confronting it. And I don't mean that you should talk to this girl in a confrontational way. You need to be up front (to her and to yourself) that this may be none of your business, and it may be that your focusing on it is your problem, and not hers. Let her know what you've heard, and that despite your best efforts, you haven't been able to move past it; explain non-judgmentally why what you heard upsets you, and explain that you value your relationship with her, so it's important to you that you hear her side of the events, and her thoughts on the matter. Try to remain calm, and just absorb what she says. If you feel yourself inclined to respond without thinking, from a raw emotional place, then take five, and back off to separate corners.

I am a big supporter of dialogue, and the attempt to use relationships as an excuse to grow and learn.

allaboutmusic · 03-15-2008, 12:00 PM

A lot of truth has already been posted here. I just want to add that that monologue made my evening. Bravo.

silentbob · 03-21-2008, 06:59 AM

ok... well that problems was taken care of.

and another one arises... she has a ton of guy friends, almost too many. i can barely get any alone time with her, just to talk.

literally she will always have people over every day of the week. when im over, there is always someone else there.

any ideas as to what i should dO?

jewels · 03-21-2008, 07:39 AM

Communication is a good thing.

In your OP you said that you had recently met. "we arent bf/gf, I am starting to feel that it is heading in this direction. She seems to be interested in me."

Have things changed in the past week? How often do you talk and are you able to tell each other how you feel?

If the two of you haven't discussed the parameters of the relationship, it's unfair of you to have any expectations of her (i.e. time). :shrug:

silentbob · 03-21-2008, 07:51 AM

we talk pretty much daily now, but its not always easy, since she always has guy friends over.

but you are right, i shouldnt have to expect anything from her.

ah, i love TFP... always showing me the other side of things

Angel_037 · 03-22-2008, 05:37 PM

My opinion is that if this bothers you so badly, then my advice would be to talk to her about it. Maybe after talking with her, you would feel more at ease. Holding something in (in my opinion again), is not healthy if it bothers you that much. Will the information you were told still bother you if you did not date her and still remained friends? Good Luck.

03-14-2008, 03:57 PM	#1 (permalink)
silentbob Upright	relationship advice? hello TFP'ers, I recently met this girl, and although we arent bf/gf, I am starting to feel that it is heading in this direction. She seems to be interested in me She is an awesome person, everything you could ask for (...dont all these threads start off like this -.-) But one of my friends brought up some stories (that are not rumors) about her past that made me think twice. I dont feel like I need to disclose what happened exactly, but it isnt something that someone would put past themselves. Me on the other hand, I am relatively conservative, I dont sleep around with random girls I meet, as I rather have a relationship with them before anything sexual is brought into the picture. Right now I wish I never found out what I did, but the past is the past. I cant do anything about it. I just dont know if I should follow through with the relationship if she wants one, or just cut it off before it gets too serious. I dont know if its healthy to have this at the back of my mind. Am I jumping the gun? Or should I just let things take place as time goes by? thanks

03-14-2008, 05:45 PM	#5 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	Ok... Now, your post tells us very little. I really don't have any idea what the issues are that she had in the past. I find it honorable that you don't want to say it. You should stay clear of her if the events in the past have anything to do with: - Walking away with a previous BF/husband 's money or - Significant jail time __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

03-15-2008, 05:35 AM	#7 (permalink)
jewels Eponymous Location: Central Central Florida	The stories that your friends brought up that aren't rumors, how did you find out they were facts? No facts, no judgments. Even if you knew these juicy tidbits to be true, think about how that would impact the way you feel or the potential future with her. You sound as though you enjoy her and there are future possibilities with her. That's fucking awesome. Enjoy her, get to know her and see where it all leads. Don't sweat it until you see the three-headed baby that her evil twin is watching for her. __________________ We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain

03-15-2008, 09:52 AM	#9 (permalink)
levite Minion of Joss Location: The Windy City	Listen, dude. I respect your desire not to put someone else's story on the Net. So I say the following without knowing if the stories of her past that bother you are kinky sex, or messed up emotional dealings, or some other unsavory or unscrupulous behavior. The implication that we all seem to have leaped to is that it's a sex thing, so I'm going to go with that. I hear you about not being able to let it go: sometimes it just hangs on. I can understand that. But if that's the case, I want to reinforce my recommendation that you talk to her about it. You can't forget what you know, so the only way you're going to get past this is by confronting it. And I don't mean that you should talk to this girl in a confrontational way. You need to be up front (to her and to yourself) that this may be none of your business, and it may be that your focusing on it is your problem, and not hers. Let her know what you've heard, and that despite your best efforts, you haven't been able to move past it; explain non-judgmentally why what you heard upsets you, and explain that you value your relationship with her, so it's important to you that you hear her side of the events, and her thoughts on the matter. Try to remain calm, and just absorb what she says. If you feel yourself inclined to respond without thinking, from a raw emotional place, then take five, and back off to separate corners. I am a big supporter of dialogue, and the attempt to use relationships as an excuse to grow and learn. __________________ Dull sublunary lovers love, Whose soul is sense, cannot admit Absence, because it doth remove That thing which elemented it. (From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

03-21-2008, 07:39 AM	#12 (permalink)
jewels Eponymous Location: Central Central Florida	Communication is a good thing. In your OP you said that you had recently met. "we arent bf/gf, I am starting to feel that it is heading in this direction. She seems to be interested in me." Have things changed in the past week? How often do you talk and are you able to tell each other how you feel? If the two of you haven't discussed the parameters of the relationship, it's unfair of you to have any expectations of her (i.e. time). :shrug: __________________ We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain

03-14-2008, 06:46 PM	#6 (permalink)
silentbob Upright	levite - thanks for that post, as much as i would love to put it past me, it still lingers in the back of my mind prince - i really hope that is the case, she has a few years on me, probably but she has also been through a lot more than i have. both in life and in relationships. from what we've been talking about she seems to have a different set of values now, but i dont know if its just a front shes putting up to hide her past. Manic_Skafe - none of my business, i completely agree, but whats done is done. i found out what i SHOULDNT have in the first place, and i really regret it now. it has ruined a lot of potential that we could have had. genuinegirly - i would love to share more, but i'm sure anyone would appreciate not having their history revealed on the internet, even if no names were revealed. but to answer your question, none of those two that i know of... or at least i hope i dont find out about. -------- I just wish I hadn't dug myself this hole I'm in right now... Not much I can do now I guess. I am willing to give it a try, but I'm afraid its going to be a futile attempt at making things work. Only time will tell Thanks for everyones input, I really appreciate it!

03-15-2008, 12:00 PM	#10 (permalink)
allaboutmusic Aurally Fixated	A lot of truth has already been posted here. I just want to add that that monologue made my evening. Bravo.

03-21-2008, 06:59 AM	#11 (permalink)
silentbob Upright	ok... well that problems was taken care of. and another one arises... she has a ton of guy friends, almost too many. i can barely get any alone time with her, just to talk. literally she will always have people over every day of the week. when im over, there is always someone else there. any ideas as to what i should dO?

03-21-2008, 07:51 AM	#13 (permalink)
silentbob Upright	we talk pretty much daily now, but its not always easy, since she always has guy friends over. but you are right, i shouldnt have to expect anything from her. ah, i love TFP... always showing me the other side of things

03-22-2008, 05:37 PM	#14 (permalink)
Angel_037 Upright Location: Creedmoor, NC	My opinion is that if this bothers you so badly, then my advice would be to talk to her about it. Maybe after talking with her, you would feel more at ease. Holding something in (in my opinion again), is not healthy if it bothers you that much. Will the information you were told still bother you if you did not date her and still remained friends? Good Luck.