Meditrina

I am very happy that today is my last day working until 4:30, it will be so nice to be home at 3pm every day. However, it also means that I will not be able to walk with T at lunch anymore (I don't get a lunch break when I work 8:30-2:30). This makes me very sad. I am going to miss our walks/talks. Her and I talk about everything and it is definitely a two-way conversation. It's not that I won't see her every day, we work together. But we cannot talk like we do at lunch. Maybe this is the push I need to invite her over to the house or go out with her outside of work. I just need to take the initiative and be brave. Will she care that my house is not spotless? Will she care that the kids have toys out? I think not, but the worry is still there. It is this worry that prevents me from inviting friends over to the house. This is part of my wallflowerness. I'd rather not put myself out there for all to see. In fact, I was going to put this in my journal, but took the chance and posted it here - maybe there are others who feel the same way but are afraid to say so. I know I was.

How do I get over this? Does anyone else feel the way I do? How did or do you get over it?

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spectre

She sounds like a better friend than that. Good friends don't judge you like that. It may be tough for you, but invite her over. If it makes you feel better, give her a warning that you have kids and because of that there may be some toys around. I'm sure she'll understand that.

The way you get over that is to just give it a try and see how it goes. Once you see that she won't judge you for the toys being out and the house not being spotless, you'll be more comfortable and confident. And if she does judge you, then it was pretty shallow of her to do. She's your friend, and she knows you have kids, so I think she'll be pretty understanding about it though.

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shesus

I used to stress about having company over and that's an understatement. I used to scrub the floors and clean every visible surface. You could've brought Better Home and Gardens in to do a photo shoot.

I'm not as bad as I used to be and I think that's because when we lived in Chicago we constantly had people over expected and unexpected. I got used to having to throw on clothes in a hurry while running to the door and throwing clutter in the corner or on the table. We even had people over when I was sick on the couch not able to host at all. So, yea, that was my cure to worrying about people judging me. But I still like to have a clean place. It makes people feel comfortable, but I know it doesn't have to be a museum. I like the lived in look myself.


So, you've just got to take the plunge and invite her over. After time, you'll relax more and won't be as worried about a toy left here or a pillow thrown there or dishes in the sink. If they are true friends, they won't be so shallow as spec said.

Oh and remember...what seems messy to us, doesn't seem messy to other people. You will be your harshest critic. They might not even notice the toy on the floor or the dust accumulated on the ceiling fan.

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Grancey

I'm the same way Sportswidow. I even stress over having the repairman come to the house. And having people over? Ain't gonna happen. I'll dine with you in a restaurant, and I'll pay the tab.

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Bill O'Rights

Yeah. I'm the same way. But, realistically...unless you have actual trash laying all over the place...most people aren't going to care.

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Cynthetiq

true. most people won't care unless you have pet feces all over the place.

don't sweat it, otherwise you'll have to change your nick to sweatwidow05

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amonkie

my Plan - invite people over and MAKE a mess. if its messier than when you started, mission accomplished!!

A no pressure way I used to have people over would be to bake something. You're both having a good time, engaged, and making a mess so it you don't feel like they're just sitting on the couch looking around for dust.

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Prince

I feel more comfortable in a house that looks like a HOME rather than a museum. It doesn't have to be spotless, in fact it's nicer if it isn't.

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Psycho Dad

My wife and I are often so busy we can't keep the house clean enough we would be comfortable with strangers stopping by, but our friends and family never seem to mind.

Go ahead and invite her over SW. If it would make you feel better and you have the time, clean house first, but I'm betting your friend won't mind either way.

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Hyacinthe

Directly across from the entrance to the rest of the house we have numerous embroidery hangings done by myself and my mother they consist of things such as:

"boring people have immaculate houses"

"Housework is the pits"

"Due to illness I'm sick of cooking"

"you can touch my dust but please don't write in it"

etc etc

I like to think of them as warning signs - we're pretty neat people but the house is lived in - there's always shoes that are on the hearth instead of in bedrooms or books scattered about.

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Grasshopper Green

Personally, I don't like going to immaculate homes. When I go to someone's house that is spotless, I worry about tracking dirt in on my shoes, or spilling something on their perfect carpet, or about my son getting his grubby kid-prints on the nice upholstery or something. When a house is lived in, I feel much more at ease.

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aberkok

Yeah - people just don't expect an immaculate house. Most don't care.

Having said that, one idea could be to have a very spotless area to have a cup of tea at - say the dining table. You could also make it a short visit somehow. You can do this

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kramus

my favorite saying that has been spotted on a cute-sayings hanging:

"You can sign your name in the dust. Just don't date it."

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Meditrina

Thank you all so much for the support and the comfort in knowing that my house does not have to be spotless for a friend. I will invite her over, and I will make sure the toys are at least pushed out of the way.

Where do these preconceived notions come from anyway? Why do I feel this way?

Medusa - you are so right. I realize now that when I go to a house that is immaculate, I feel awkward and worried that my kids will do something to make a mess. I don't anyone to feel that way in my house.

__________________
"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

tecoyah

Social anxiety is nothing to fear Widow....we all have it to an extent. Its what keeps us all from becoming slutty, drunken fools. Just take the initiative (as you said), and have a great time. You literally have absolutely nothing to lose, and much to gain.

kramus

There is a difference between clutter and filth. Clutter comes from accepting a certain entropy caused by the natural tendency of children and daily living towards disorder. Filth is caused by a careless disregard for health, aesthetics and a decent basic quality of life. Methinks that Sportswidow is concerned that a friend may see clutter and think filth. Don't sweat the small stuff, Widow. Life is living, not creating stasis and sterile, untouchable perfection. So live a little, have people over spontaneously. If they are offended that you have to move toys or laundry before they can sprawl on your couch, let them stand while you converse. It never offends anyone to see some minimal tidying during a casual social visit. Life does not stop when a guest walks through the door. So long as you don't get the vacuum out, or start on a load of dishes, you will be fine.

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Midnight

mmm... I grew up in a house full of packrats and clutter hoarders.

my mother would go into a full out PANIC if anyone said something about stopping by and would run thru the house frantically cleaning and demand we all be doing the same. my mother would often end up just getting IN to the shower to get ready as the gusts arrived, leaving the rest of the family to entertain them and make her apologies.

I found myself in a weird place in my head in my first home. I was an absolute FREAK about cleanliness and order. vast bare expanses of wall, spotless wood floors, and most of the house done in WHITE and I couldnt stand having anyone over because they would undoubtedly create some sort of a mess, like not hang the bathroom towels straight, or not pushing the chairs in at the right angle so they were aligned with the others "correctly"

I was the poster girl for both OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and Anal Retentive

It took being picked up at my parents home for something and actually having someone from work walk in and just stand there slack jawed and bug eyed at my parents chaos (after having been to my place) for me to really get it, and that I had a SERIOUS problem.

i know - what the heck do you want to hear from someone like me for right?
well. first of all - relax. your friends are there to see YOU and not your house.
they have been to other peoples houses. other people have jobs and kids and things to look after and are busy too. you are not the only one in the world that might not be some anal retentive freak about order in the house. Its not going to matter to a friend, and truth be told - about 98% of the people i know would rather visit your house than MY first house. With you, they can get comfy, have a snack, have a great visit with you, and not piss you off by making a mess, or become paranoid the moment they set foot in the house because they are afraid to touch anything because the place is so spotless they are afraid of making any kind of mess, or god forbid - spilling something.

*hug*

invite your friend over, laugh, and have a great time. it'll be fine.