dalnet22

Both of my parents have no friends (aside from far away family). My dad works non stop on the weekdays, but when he gets to the weekend, he has nothing to do. He has no hobbies, and while he wants to play golf, he complains about having to be grouped with strangers. I asked my dad what he's going to do today, and he said "I don't know, I need to pick up the sticks outside."

My mom was a stay at home mom her whole life, and now that I'm in college, she doesn't have much to do. She doesn't have much at all in common with my dad, so she prefers to watch tv and focus on her pets. When I call home asking what she did the past week, it's the typical "I cleaned the house." She hates going outside because it takes her 45 minutes to get ready, and she won't get involved in the community because she hates this place.

The typical answer to my concern is "it's their life, and I can't do anything about it." My question is, should I care that they spend their days doing nothing? My dad works on the house, and my mom has 3 VCRs going at once. It depresses me because as much as I try to stay positive, I can't help but think they're wasting their lives away. Another thing my mom does is sit on Ebay for hours on end, bidding on "collectibles" that just sits on a shelf.

It's just frustrating to come home to nothing.

politicophile

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Yakk

Is there no part of the community that they might idenify with? How big is the community?

Have they tried curling?

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

Lizra

You are very sweet to care! Politico has a nice idea.....

I can relate to your parents....my guess is they have "done" alot in years past....and they enjoy taking it easy and relaxing now. "Doing" isn't all it's cracked up to be It's funny how you can get all excited about something, let it rule your life for a couple years, then be satisfied with the knowledge you have gained and drop it.
If your parents are over 50, they probably have some aches. pains etc and don't have quite the energy level they used too. It happens!
In defense of stick picking, "Picking up sticks" is a pleasant passtime! You are actually enjoying the outdoors, checking out your property, mulling ideas over in your head about what projects you need to tackle as a new season begins. If you have to mow a lawn....you have to keep the sticks picked up. I think I'll go over to Ebay now, and see if there are any new vintage, green planters to place on my shelf......

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Atropos4

I like sitting around doing nothing. I work 50 hour weeks so on the weekends I like to do a big fat load of absolutely nothing. I say, why worry. If they are happy with their lives and what you may persieve as boring let them be. They might not see it as so boring. I sit outside for 2-3 hours in the early morning hours just for the heck of sitting outside and enjoying the morning. *shrug
If they have told you they are miserable and you feel bad, ask them to do something with you.

When it comes down to it though, they control their own lives and they may not appreciate someone telling them they're all kinds of boring.

When people tell me I am boring for a 26 year old all I can say is "to each their own"

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ratbastid

What you haven't said is whether they're happy like this. I know they might SOUND miserable. But, you know, some people are really, really happy being miserable.

We get into trouble when we think that our view of how things should be is the only possible view that there is. We start trying to fix things that don't need fixing. You should check it out with them before deciding your parents need something they don't have.

Manic_Skafe

It's not a matter of whether or not they're happy, as described in the original post, their habits seem to be rather unhealthy. Three vcrs recording at one time and a lack of ambition so debilitating that you're incapable of playing a single game of golf...

I wouldn't go so far as to say that there's something wrong with them but I definitely think a vacation would be rather fitting.

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"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

Jinn

I'd be happy doing either of those things; don't be so quick to judge that their dis-satisfied with their lives simply because they're not "accomplishing" anything. Some of us don't mind doing absolutely nothing.

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serlindsipity

I think perhaps you should revise your question to "are they happy in doing nothing or is there a need for things to change?" That would make it less an issue of what you think they should be doing, but more of why are they doing and is it a problem

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Charlatan

I don't do much... I don't have many friends.

I am sure my kids think I am desperately bored but not so much.

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dalnet22

Thanks for the replies. It bothers me that their life is TV, but if they like it, fine.

Sultana

Have you considered *asking* them if they like it? I like politcophile's idea of offering to do stuff with them.

Although it sounds like maybe you ask them, but the response you say they give sounds fairly defensive, not like you're offering to take you mom to the big flea market to see if she can find her collectibles there or something.

It may be that they're bored, that they don't think you'd care to do anything with them, or that they prefer their life just the way it is.

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Glory's Sun

I thought all parents were boring?? I'm pretty sure my kids will think the same thing about me when they are old enough.

If it's bothersome to you then, politicophile has some good advice. Take the bull by the horns and get them out of the house.

eribrav

I'm known for telling folks that I love "boring". I'm not a big fan of a lot of drama or excitement in my life.
The advice above about inviting them out on activities is good. Otherwise I wouldn't worry about it too much; you're unlikely to change who they are but you can expend a lot of valuable energy and time worrying about it.

Bill O'Rights

Parents are only boring after they have kids.

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StanT

After raising 2 daughters to thier mid-twenties, I'm happy to be boring. I look forward to boring.

Honestly, I'm not slowing down that much. I know for a fact that my motorcycle does 135 and I'll drop off a cornice on skis. However, living up to my daughter's social expectations is a bit much. None of their damn business if I feel like vegetating after a crappy day at work, or a crappy week, month, ...

dalnet22

I asked my mom, and she said she hates this place because it's so boring. We moved here two years ago to pay for in-state tutition, and this place has no culture at all. (I won't give away the location) But, when I suggest joining a club or something, she says "I'm not doing anything with these stupid people. Why would I want to be friends with these idiots when we aren't going to stay here long?" (as soon as I graduate, she's moving back w/ her family)

I think the main problem is I struggle to respect my parents. They have not had any friends during my lifetime, (my dad's admitted he hasn't had a friend in 30 years); they have nothing in common with eachother; all my dad does is work and drink; and again, my mom focuses on material things, pets, and TV. And yet, they don't really show signs of depression. Granted, the having no friends, not wanting to go outside, not wanting to get involved, saying they'll do things but never doing them, not taking great care of themselvse, or the sticking with eachother for no logical reason seem like indicators for a problem.

But, I've brought it up many times, and all it gets me is my dad getting hysterical, saying I have no respect for them and demanding I move out. Or, (usually after that cools down), I get a lecture on how they love eachother and are happy. That's fine, but how am I supposed to respect them? I try to think positive, but then I see them complaining about ridiculous things. Every time I come home, their negativity and tension rubs off on me, someone who's learned their avoidant social personality.

DaveOrion

Sounds like they've simply grown apart, or have nothing in common anymore. I cant say whats right for them, but after being involved in a similar situation, I eventually got divorced after 18 years of marriage. It happens and sometimes its the best thing.

I'm still boring to my 23 year old daughter, I just finished getting a new tomato bed ready for planting, she doesnt get it. In her defense, when I was 23, I sure as hell wasnt planting tomatoes.

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dalnet22

Yeah, I think it's a bigger problem than me thinking what they do is boring. My mom won't even go outside to plant a garden because she hates how she looks. She's worried people will see her. As for dad, she sticks around simply because of the money he offers. There can't be any other reason.

Jinn

We can't help people who don't ask for it.

Another of the hard lessons I've learned in my niave 20s.

Even if your parents are woefully unhappy, they will not accept your 'assistance' unless they want it too.

I guess my parents don't do much either; my dad retired when I was born to be the stay a home mom, and my mom works a 40 hour computing job. He plays video games all day, and she works all day and then watches movies. He refuses to go out in public, as he despises most people. They're mean to each other sometimes, but I can almost begin to cry thinking about how much they love each other.

They've never kissed in front of me, nor show affection beyond mockery. To an outsider, they're probably very unhappy. But they love each other, and they're happy. I'd never try to get my parents to "do more together."

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dalnet22

The part about not showing affection reflects my parents. They also get very angry at ridiculous things like traffic, receptionists not answering the phone, or things just not going right. But then again, don't most people complain about this stuff?

DaveOrion

Some older married couples fight & argue and still love one another. Others cant stand each other, and just cant seem to find a way out. I cant say whats up with your parents because I dont know them, all I have to go on is a few sentences on a message board. I'm not sure what your mom finds so unattractive about herself but there are plenty of things that can be done. She could exercise inside the house, if she doesnt want to go outside. Sometimes cosmetic surgery is an option. As far as money, a divorce could be very equitable for her side, so staying in a marriage for that reason isnt a great one.

Maybe the move to a new place will once again spark their interest in something new, I hope so. I would only advocate divorce to people with truley ireconcilable differences, but thats not your choice anyway. Thats up to them. Good Luck and no matter what happens, continue to be interested in your parents happiness. I like that about you!

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Syriana...have you ever tried liquid MDMA?....Liquid MDMA? No....Arash, when you wanna do this?.....After prayer...

thingstodo

ratbastid...you do speak the truth. If I tried to add one more word to what you said here it would be an absolute waste of time!!

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Lizra

Can you get your own place? Maybe it's time to leave the folks to their own devices?

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dalnet22

Not just yet... I live most of the year at college, anyhow. Once I graduate, I'm definitely gone. Maybe I need to stop thinking about the problems and realize things will be better within two years. Once I graduate, my mom can move back with her family, and my dad... well I dunno.